To be angry HR made this (relatively minor) assumption?

[SpaceCadet4000]

My DH and I got married last August. I made the decision to keep my surname and continue to use the title Ms. I don't mind if other people choose to change their name, but I personally am uncomfortable with the historical and gendered connotations of name changing. This have never been an issue- I just select the Ms box when filling in forms, and I don't shout about it to other people.

However, I have recently started a new job. On my second day I went for my induction with HR where they collected details about my next of kin (mentioned it was my husband as they needed the relationship stated), whether I wanted a pension, my NI number etc. All fairly innocuous, and actually very little form filling on my part, and certainly no disclosure of my title.

As I joined close to payday I received my pay check late through the post- it's addressed to Mrs Space Cadet. This suggests that the HR advisor has clearly assumed I'm a Mrs based on our conversation.

It's minor, and I assume fairly quick to rectify, but I feel really angry that someone else has made this decision about me. I'm no special snowflake, but I'm dismayed that my identity has been so casually undermined. The office culture is fairly conservative, so I also feel like I'll be judged as an SJW for asking for it to be changed.

AIBU to just email them and ask for it to be changed?

[BertrandRussell]

What assumptions are made about Ms?

[HowLongTillTippingPoint]

Bert, what a load of bollocks. Of course I use Mrs because I want everyone to know I found a man who would marry me.

Just as you are aloud to not like Mrs we are aloud to like it. I don't care what anyone else wants to be called but I do think it is silly to be angry about someone making a mistake. Fair enough if she contacts them and they refuse to change it but to initially be angry about it is a big fuss about nothing.

[BertrandRussell]

"Bert, what a load of bollocks. Of course I use Mrs because I want everyone to know I found a man who would marry me"

I can't decide whether that's sarcasm or proving my point!

[FavaBeans]

I don't really understand why it bothers people so. All those whom it bothers to this extent to should click their fingers five times. Every click represents a child dying in the world due to poverty. I think many people needs to deal with their priorities and take some decisions about what really needs changing in the world.


Sorry but that's the biggest pile of shit I've seen on MN. And I've seen some piles.

[thatstoast]

Bertrand, you know people who use Ms are divorced or feminists or possibly both

I think if anyone is going to assume somebody's title they should assume Mr or Ms. I do that when I need to create records on people and they haven't provided the info. That's for my job, I don't do it for fun.

[Trills]

YANBU to be annoyed and to think that little things like this are important.

[HowLongTillTippingPoint]

I'm gay Bert. I married a woman.

[Floggingmolly]

Really, Bertrand! I can say hand on heart, being addressed as Mrs. categorically does not make me feel I've achieved something. I'm not particularly proud to be married why would anybody I just am. Couldn't care less...

[mollie123]

I do not like being addressed as a Miss (never married) when I prefer Ms. It is really silly to use Miss for someone who is just the right side of 70 years old
You can't win but it is not really worth getting angry about it.
If anyone asks my name it is christian name and surname with no Ms/Miss or Mrs but if they insist it is Ms. BTW this has been going on since the 1970s so it is not a new problem and is probably more prevalent now that some women do not change their name on marriage.

[Trills]

I'm surprised that there was not a form to fill in to state your preferred title.

[FavaBeans]

Bertrand, you know people who use Ms are divorced or feminists or possibly both

Or just American. A whole country where Ms is routinely used and still hasn't fallen in to the sea.

[soapboxqueen]

Ms - divorced, feminist trouble maker, single and old.

Depending on who you talk to and from which direction they've arrived at 'Ms' . It's a choice that men don't have to make and therefore comes with assumptions based on that choice.

I've gone by all three at various times and they all come with baggage.

We'll never get all women to go by Ms because to many like being Mrs when they get married. Therefore as far as I'm concerned the only way forward is for all women to be Mrs, then it's neutral.

[BertrandRussell]

So do you use Mrs to make a point, Tipping? I can see why you might do that! Molly- so why do you want to use a title that tells everybody?

[Youarentkiddingme]

It winds me up too when it happens to me - very often!

My DS dad and I never married. He has surname Mr A B, I am Miss C and DS is Master A-C.

I often get referred to as Mrs A-C, Miss A-C or Mrs C. It's the assumptions that annoy me and I often wonder how unreasonable I'm being.

I don't mind so much when it's people contacting me as DS parent and they have no way of knowing my title without being informed but I'm registered as Miss with DS school and I'm the only parent registered, I sign off as Miss and yet still get called Mrs.

[HowLongTillTippingPoint]

No, I use Mrs because I got married and decided I wanted to use it. It wasn't to make a point or to prove anything. I just did it and I like it.

What point do you see I might want to make?

[thatstoast]

Divorced, feminist and American? Stay away from our princes!

[mollie123]

is it not the case in France that women over a certain age are Madam (regardless of marital status) and young things who are single are Mademoiselle ?
I could be wrong if aged French women who have never married are still Mlle rather than Madam .

[thatstoast]

Do you think you may have been influenced by the fact that until recently you weren't allowed to get married?

[tibbawyrots]

My partner has the opposite. We're not married and when I say my name is Mrs Tibbawyrots, he then gets addressed as Mr Tibbawyrots.

Most recently was when I sold my old home and the estate agent contract was firstly made out in the name of Mr X Tibbawyrots. He's not even on the deeds. I swear the EA's head exploded as he tried to comprehend that!

I booked the estate agents, walked around the house with them, answered all the questions but as soon as my partner appeared he was the vendor.

[crabbyoldbat]

I used to work in a women's organisation. One month the payslips came out, with Mr or Miss or Mrs A Lastname on them, having previously been in form 'A Lastname'. Apparently a relatively new payroll clerk had take it into her head to change them all. Oh the stink - they were changed back quick-smart. AND she'd taken educated guesses at people's married status, and wasn't particularly accurate.

[HowLongTillTippingPoint]

I don't think I was influenced by anything. My wife decided to change to my name and we both changed to Mrs. We got married and changed our names because we wanted to. We didn't do it to prove anything.

[mollie123]

Bertrand - I am not using a title that tells everybody anything.
Ms is neutral of age, marital status
Miss is definately a young woman under marriagable age.
Mrs - should disappear totally except for those who want to use it with hubbie's surname so they can proclaim themselves Mr and Mrs somebody

[purplevase]

When I got married I put Mr and Ms on the table plan regardless of age or marital status.

My husband insisted that I redo it because he said eg his mum was proud to be married and would be insulted by me not putting Mrs. So I went through and put Miss and Mrs on everyone,

All the men were Mr of course, as they are only Masters until the age of 7. Maybe we should have the same with girls. Miss until 7 and Ms thereafter.

But the whole name change thing is sexist too. I did it because I preferred my husband's surname to my own but I wouldn't have done if I'd preferred my own name.

[BitOutOfPractice]

Angry? Really?

[MrsBoDuke]

I suspect all the people who "hate" Ms, or think people are making a fuss about nothing or being pretentious are the sort of people who talk about being "proud" to be married and think of it as some sort of achievement. Perish the thought that anyone might think they haven't been able to get a man...........

Ironic post really, on a thread about people making sweeping assumptions....