To be angry HR made this (relatively minor) assumption?

[SpaceCadet4000]

My DH and I got married last August. I made the decision to keep my surname and continue to use the title Ms. I don't mind if other people choose to change their name, but I personally am uncomfortable with the historical and gendered connotations of name changing. This have never been an issue- I just select the Ms box when filling in forms, and I don't shout about it to other people.

However, I have recently started a new job. On my second day I went for my induction with HR where they collected details about my next of kin (mentioned it was my husband as they needed the relationship stated), whether I wanted a pension, my NI number etc. All fairly innocuous, and actually very little form filling on my part, and certainly no disclosure of my title.

As I joined close to payday I received my pay check late through the post- it's addressed to Mrs Space Cadet. This suggests that the HR advisor has clearly assumed I'm a Mrs based on our conversation.

It's minor, and I assume fairly quick to rectify, but I feel really angry that someone else has made this decision about me. I'm no special snowflake, but I'm dismayed that my identity has been so casually undermined. The office culture is fairly conservative, so I also feel like I'll be judged as an SJW for asking for it to be changed.

AIBU to just email them and ask for it to be changed?

[BeaufortBelle]

They should have a form. But then, IMO, if the company had a transparent recruitment policy, you would have completed an application form, possibly with an application number replacing your name so that short-listing took place in the absence of any knowledge about gender, race, etc. I think the equality stance vis a vis your title contradicts the fact that you feel "head hunting" is a fair recruitment process. I don't disagree with it btw - it has an important role.

[Blu]

I am assuming that before you were married you were called Ms Space Cadet, and that HR are now calling you Mrs Space Cadet?

There is a poster below who is assuming that HR used your DH's name and called you Mrs DH'sName... rather than MrsSpaceCadet.

I would be irritated by them assuming that I was Mrs -but changing your name to DH's Surname is a whole lot worse.

Anyway, just e mail them and say you are Ms not Mrs.

But if they actually addressed you as your DH's name I would write a stronger e mail.

[lljkk]

Don't some religions have a word for married men, like what about Bre'r (Br) as a good title for married men? It just irks me that women get defined by their spousal relationship but men never defined by their spousal relationship. I don't know if that's inequality, but I don't like it, rather steer clear when it's easy to do so.

would you, in the event that your husband got a knighthood, refuse to use the title Lady?

Does the spouse get to do that? Damn, I sure married the wrong bloke. What does a bloke get called if his wife is made a Dame? (or whatever is knight equivalent).

[Ladycrazycat]

Interestingly I hate the title Ms. Like you, it's just personal preference, I have nothing against others using it but it irritates me when it is used. I am now Mrs but it annoyed me before hand when I was Miss.

[FavaBeans]

YANBU, irritates the hell out of me. Been Ms since I was a teenager.

[SpaceCadet4000]

BeaufortBelle- I completely agree with you on the point of needing a transparent recruitment policy, especially within the context of ensuring a diverse candidate field and the progression of women (as well as people from LGBT and ethnic minority backgrounds).

[FavaBeans]

Did they know you were previously using Ms on other docs as well? Because it might be fair to assume someone who was using Miss would choose to now be Mrs (though it really takes nothing to ask). But I'd assume once a Ms always a Ms.

[GarlicShake]

if I'm not mistaken, I think you might have asked this question before, and got told how ridiculous it was then too. Apologies if it was someone else.

• You may have confused the PP with David Furness
  

Space, it irritates the hell out of me too. Has been irritating me since 1972! The only response is to keep on educating people - from HR to Mumsnet.

[SpaceCadet4000]

FavaBeans- nope, I'd not provided my title to them at any stage of the recruitment process. But I agree, if you've stated Ms before.. you'll probably be a Ms after :D

[MrsBoDuke]

I am the opposite.
Like a couple of PP I hate the title Ms, too.

I much prefer Mrs tbh - I really don't see why it can't be simply:
Miss / Master = child
Mrs / Mr = adult
No marital connotations.

It's no wonder people think it's snowflakery really, when women insist on a third title to mark them out.

[SpaceCadet4000]

GarlicShake- definitely someone else, this is my first thread.

[BeaufortBelle]

I think if a woman becomes a Dame she is announced before her husband and he remains Mr. If he then becomes a Knight he goes back in front though and they are announced as Sir John and Dame Joan.

I don't really understand why it bothers people so. All those whom it bothers to this extent to should click their fingers five times. Every click represents a child dying in the world due to poverty. I think many people needs to deal with their priorities and take some decisions about what really needs changing in the world.

[GarlicShake]

Argh! I meant David Furnish! Well, that went flat.

[FavaBeans]

It would be fine if that was the case as in other countries, but it is very much not the case. So it isn't snowflakery to not want to be addressed on your marital status.

[GarlicShake]

Space.
OP = original poster (you)
PP = previous poster (the one who asked about honorific titles)

[SpaceCadet4000]

But MrsBoDuke, surely it's the same thing? If all adult women were Mrs, I'd be a Mrs. But they aren't... the basic premise of being Ms is not snowflakery.. it's making an active choice to disagree with the staus quo.

I personally thing Ms doesn't flow off the tongue, but I'd look an idiot if I made up my own special title.

[BeaufortBelle]

That Garlickshake is quite frankly deeply offensive.

[SpaceCadet4000]

Sorry garlic- lost of acronyms- thought I was doing well!!

[GarlicShake]

I do feel quite strongly about this, Bo, so I'll point out Ms isn't supposed to be a third title for snowflakey women. It's supposed to be the only title, a female equivalent to Mr.

It's interesting that when a man asks "Mrs or Miss?" and I reply "Are you married or single?" they quite often get annoyed.

[BertrandRussell]

I suspect all the people who "hate" Ms, or think people are making a fuss about nothing or being pretentious are the sort of people who talk about being "proud" to be married and think of it as some sort of achievement. Perish the thought that anyone might think they haven't been able to get a man...........

[GarlicShake]

What's offensive, Belle?

[lljkk]

I hate the British pronunciation, Muzz. WTAF. I understand people cringing in response. I gnash teeth if I hear Muzz, but I wouldn't say anything about it. Mizz is fine.

[AKissACuddleAndACheekyFinger]

I couldn't care less! Specsavers had me down on their mailing list as 'Mr' for years. When I altered it via an online update thingy I changed it to Reverend just because I could! This really is the definition of a first world problem; as pp may have said, it's a wonderful indictment of a fabulous workplace if this is the only fault you can pick with them.

[soapboxqueen]

It isn't right that HR made the assumption and you are right to correct them.

However, I don't think Ms is neutral. It doesn't matter which one a woman choses Miss/Ms/Mrs there are assumptions made. I personally feel that all women should be Mrs.

[SummerRosie321]

I get Mrs put on things as well. Stuff like letters from doctors and called it over the phone. Really winds me up as I'm not even married. Why does everyone seem to assume women have to be marred anyway