Ok, this might be quite long but I feel all the information is needed for you to tell me if IBU. Also, I'm a regular(ish) poster but have name changed as the details of this might be quite identifying.
A few years ago (I forget precisely how many!) in the January, my father (technically my stepfather but to cut a long story short - he raised me, he's my dad) left my mother after about fifteen years of marriage.
He said that he wasn't happy and that together they weren't happy although mum seemed to think there were no real issues. He just upped and left by the way - didn't try counselling, didn't try and fix it, just got a flat to rent and left.
In the April he told me that he was now seeing someone - a woman from work (let's call her Betsy). He had known Betsy for a while, before he left my mum, he accepts this but says nothing happened between them until the April. My mother disagrees with this, she says (based on intuition, no factual evidence I guess) that he was having an affair - I won't go into all the details but in the preceding months before he left, his behaviour was very strange and secretive - constantly texting and taking calls outside (he had never done this before) but didn't allow mum to see the phone and was evasive when she asked who he was talking to.
Lots more stuff, but not really relevant to my AIBU I guess, but suffice to say my mother was convinced he was cheating on her and all of her side of the family agreed. Initially, I was very supportive of both father and mother. I asked dad outright whether anything ever happened with him and Betsy before he left mum and he said no, not until the April after he left. For this reason, I took the view that he left mum because he was unhappy like he said (possibly triggered by the introduction of Betsy at work) but I couldn't accept that he had had "an affair" as my mum told everyone because my dad flat out denied it and my mum had no concrete evidence. At first, it was difficult as my mothers side of the family despised him for what he had done (mum was extremely distraught at him leaving) and expected me not to speak to him but I still encouraged our relationship in spite of this, I suppose I viewed our father-daughter relationship separately outside of what he did/didn't do to my mum.
Anyway, fast forward to last year and things have settled down a bit. Mum is moving on with her life and Dad married Betsy.
Since he left mum, I've made it very clear I want fuck all nothing to do with Betsy. I know it's very childish and ridiculous but I do blame her for the breakdown of the marriage and, rightly or wrongly, I have no desire to have anything to do with her whatsoever. I obviously wasn't invited to the wedding (nor would I have gone).
Dad and I have maintained a reasonable amount of contact over the years although we are definitely not as close. I think I forgot to mention that mum, dad and betsy all live in Australia so I don't have lots of contact with them.
Dad used to call me about once a month or so but this has gradually decreased. He has visited the UK a couple of times but has stayed with his parents or in a hotel (obviously he can't stay at mine as Betsy is with him) and over the course of a three week holiday he managed to see me twice and not for very long. He mentioned that he can't see me too often because he has to "Palm Betsy off to a coffee shop" - cue major row that his wife is fucking incapable of entertaining herself without my dad for a prolonged period of time. She lives with him all the time - is it too much to ask that she steps aside so I can spend time with my father?!
Anyway, that's all back story - here is my AIBU. Last September I gave birth to DS who is absolutely amazing - PFB and all that but I bloody love him to bits and obviously think he's the most incredible kid ever!
When he was born, father never sent a card to congratulate. At Christmas he never sent a card either (not for me/DH not DS). This was very odd, he has always sent cards for birthdays, Christmas etc.
By the way, this is his first grandchild.
Anyway, more importantly, not only has he not sent cards, he just generally doesn't appear to give a shit. Since I've had DS, he hasn't called once - I've had to call him or text him. He doesn't even email to ask how he is and when I send photos of DS, I just get a short response like "cute x" or "lovely photos x".
So in January this year, I brought it up over the phone. I got really emotional, cried a lot and asked what was going on. It was the most bizarre conversation but he basically agreed he hadn't made much of an effort but wouldn't really give a reason why.
At first he tried to say it was because he thought I didn't want him to have anything to do with DS?! I had a long birth with emergency c-sec and didn't tell him that DS had arrived until three days after he was born. Apparently he was pissed off as DH had text my mum after the birth to say DS was here and, reading between the lines, that pissed him off that she knew before him (he found out through my brother I think).
During the phone call I kept trying to move things forward by saying well the past is the past but I do want you in DS's life so can we just move forward and you step up to the plate and be his grandad? He was silent and wouldn't answer the question despite me repeating it many times. Eventually he said he wanted to be a part of DS's life but it was difficult and he didn't know how?! All very strange and would not elaborate any further. We finally ended the conversation by him reluctantly agreeing to make more of an effort and call and ask about DS.
Since January - nothing. He hasn't contacted me at all. It was his birthday recently and I called to wish him happy birthday and asked why he hadn't at least text to see how DS was doing and he said "he had been busy". That was it.
I would like to send him a letter or email to tell him how I'm feeling in black and white. He tends to twist things over the telephone and is the type of man who can NEVER admit being in the wrong. Classic example - he says he left mum for the good of the whole family because they were unhappy and not good together. He said he hadn't made an effort with DS because he thought that's what I wanted (random!) and he'd "made his peace with that".
As far as I'm concerned I've given him ample opportunity to make an effort with my now 6.5 month old DS and he hasn't and I'm really fucking offended.
DH tells me to just go NC - father obviously isn't going to get in touch so he said I too should stop calling, sending photos when he clearly isn't interested. I agree but would like to send some kind of final email/letter. In his mind, he will have twisted this whole thing into some bizarre situation where he doesn't have anything to do with his grandson because of me. When friends and family ask about DS, I can just picture him shaking his head and saying "I don't know how he's doing, I haven't heard from my daughter in months. She doesn't even send me pictures." So would it BU to send a letter basically saying that we are here when he decides he wants a daughter and grandson but that this lack of contact is solely down to him and isn't something that I want.
I have a few theories why he doesn't want anything to do with my DS. The first and most probable (reading between the lines in our conversations) is that I don't want anything to do with Betsy so why should he bother with my family. Another possible theory is that he and Betsy are trying to have children and possibly having fertility issues Betsy is late 30s and didn't have children before she met my dad. This makes sense when I consider his "it's too difficult" comments about having a relationship with DS. I also wonder whether he himself feels he is too young to be a grandad. He was a lot younger than my mum and is only in his 40s now and since he met Betsy has started doing things he used to do as a youngster like buying a drum set and going to concerts, motor biking etc.
By the way - I'm fully aware I'm BU (and childish) about not accepting Betsy and refusing to have anything to do with her but surely he (as the parent) shouldn't refuse to accept my DS because of this.
In case you couldn't tell by the length of this - this is something that bothers me tremendously. I'm massively offended he doesn't seem to care about DS and this behaviour is something I would never have expected from him. I've always been close with my dad growing up and I would have thought he would be over the moon with having his first grandson.
It's not healthy for me to keep dwelling on this so I would really like to put the ball in his court so to speak and let him know that the door is open but it's him that keeps closing it, not me. AIBU to send a letter to this effect or is DH right and should I just not make any more effort at all?
Thanks for reading!