To want DH to do a bit more?

[Lalalax3]

DH is currently upstairs cocooned in our duvet. I got up with DS at 7.30 (a very reasonable time, no complaints there), and sorted out breakfast, getting dressed etc. He's happily watching Mr Tumble. I can tell you exactly how the next few hours will go, because this has been happening since DS was born. Shortly I will hear a clomping noise upstairs followed by the running of the bath tap. DH will then descend the stairs and head outside for his pre-bath fag. He will smile warmly at our son and head back upstairs for a bath lasting approximately an hour. Then he'll spend half an hour 'getting dressed' (sitting upstairs in his pants reading on his phone) before finally emerging at about 11/11.30 to join family life. How do I know this? It happens pretty much every day, and certainly every weekend.

A bit of background, he's a freelance writer with a sporadic working pattern, I'm a SAHM. He has periods where he's very busy and periods where he has a lot of downtime. He wants me to stay at home with our boy but can be v resentful about being the only breadwinner. We're not poor, we manage. We have a pretty good life, materially.

I would say I do 90% of the childcare. He does read him a story every night though, which he sees as 'putting him to bed' (even though I run the bath, brush his teeth, dry him off, get him in his pjs). He thinks he's doing a great job. He had DS for a bit yesterday while I had my hair done (this happens about 3x a year, at most) and I know he thinks he's done his stint for the week.

But I want more, and I think I deserve it. I'm tired and increasingly resentful. AIBU guys? Is he doing enough?

Oh yes, I get everything turned back on me and the avoidance of answering any questions. I have decided that as he contributes so little anyway I won't miss him when he's gone. Ds will be better off without the arguments and ironically will probably get more quality time with his dad than he is now

What Euphemia said. Get a job, split everything and then your options are easier.

Find out what you want for you.

I think that since becoming a mother, he thinks I'm now also his mother

If he gets a long lazy start to his Saturday they why arent you taking the same on a Sunday?

Dh and I alternate lie ins. They are essential to us, after a week of work. If we have a Big Day Out planned then we forego them and are up and out, but most weekends one of us takes the two kids to the park in the morning and the other one gets the lie in. Home for lunch, then out all afternoon into early evening.

Getting a job is probably the best answer. Tell him that when he gets angry about money and say when you're back at work he as a freelancer will have to fit his work around DS, as many women do. You have to ignore the getting upset - in fact you have to go further and point out how unfair it is that he gets upset over being told he's upsetting you.

Or you could just decide to end it now. That, frankly, would be the easier option.

That's really not fair and I'd be angry. My DH works long days - generally out at 5/6am and back 8/9pm. But he appreciates he is out doing a job he loves, talking to adults and that staying home with the kids is harder and stressier. He does everything he can once he's home. Tbh we are both constantly doing chores or childcare and I don't get how a household would even work with an adult not contributing.

Any chance for lie ins we share or I get as I'm up in the night more.

YANBU.

You are entitled to equal 'free time', regardless of who is bringing in the money.

Also, he doesn't want you to work outside the home but resents being the only breadwinner? You really can't win, can you He needs to adjust his attitude.

The difficulty is, with a man who thinks that smiling at his child occasionally and reading them a story is pulling his weight, telling him you want him to 'do a bit more' will likely fall on deaf ears. I think you need to be specific about what you want him to do e.g "I'd like you to start getting up with DS and sorting his breakfast etc so I can have a lie in at the weekend" or "I need a break, could you take DS to the park this afternoon please".

I know you really shouldn't have to spell it out, he should be doing these things anyway but clearly that's not going to happen. If he refuses direct requests to take part in parenting his child or makes excuses not to do so then I would be seriously considering the future of the relationship I'm afraid. I'm not normally one for ultimatums but I would have to let him know in very clear terms that I was not prepared to spend the rest of my life in a marriage that is unequal and where one person is expected to do 90% of the work while the other does as they please.

"If I ask he either gets angry and shouts about money or gets very upset to the point where I'm almost comforting him."

"Suddenly everything is turned to me being blamed for hurting his feelings."

This is what happens when you challenge ingrained privilege in nice liberals. they will do anything to end the conversation as they simply cannot stand to hear it. It simply can't be said.

No advice from me. I have absolutely no idea how to manage this situation, and no one else has either, because 99% of men do this and about 75% of women put up with it. The other 24% leave - they haven't changed their men, they just decided not to bother with it any more

Say to him later ' From now on I'd like us to split the weekend lie-ins. So it'll be your turn to take DS down at 7.30 tomorrow'. Personally I don't see how anyone could argue with that, but if he does that tells you all you need to know.

Don't do this anymore. Tell your dh that being a parent involves more than holding down a job.

It involves practical participation, bathing, playing & interaction.

You at the moment, although living with the parent of your child and life partner are living life as a single parent.

I suggest you point this out to you dh and if his response is not a positive one then you tell him you are reconsidering your position within the relationship.

Never give up your career for a man his resentment of you not working is a whole other issue and he clearly thinks your some sort of domestic slave because of it. This indicates a clear lack of respect.

"I can't seem to make him understand".

He does understand. He understands absolutely perfectly. It is you who doesn't understand.

He's happy for you to do everything while he lies around in his pants upstairs. If you are on your knees with exhaustion that is absolutely fine for him, so long as you are still managing to put him first. The only time that your exhaustion is a worry for him is if you then expect him to parent his child.

He's absolutely happy that you are unhappy. Think about that.

And certainly suggest that a starting point you get to faff on until 11.30 each Sunday

Thanks guys. He's up. When I got back he said 'oh I must've fallen asleep again' and I just said 'well you can participate in family life in the mornings or not, but I'm not going to nag you to wake up' and I've left it there for now. He's sheepishly playing Legos with the boy. In his pants.

What Tendon said, 100%. Don't tell him you'd like him to do it, tell him he is doing it. Tell him today.

Re, job situation, it's tricky. I left a career as a teacher when I had DS. I was good at my job but it wasn't good for me. I left a depressed and anxious wreck. I want to study again, do an MA or retrain as a counsellor. But I just can't find any time where I'm not looking after DS or exhausted to look into it properly and start the ball rolling.

This is not a partnership, I would be increasingly resentful. It sounds like he has it made,does he cook? Do stuff around the house? As a minimal start can you take it in turns having a lie in. Is there something you can do part time which is less stressful than teaching? This will share the load, get you out of the house and maybe give him the opportunity to see what it is to be a parent.

'well you can participate in family life in the mornings or not, but I'm not going to nag you to wake up'

No! Don't hand him this!

You're saying "do what you want. I'm fine"

It isn't fine, you're not fine. Don't tell him it's ok to be such a dick

You're exhausted in part because he's not pulling his weight. If he did, you'd be able to retrain. Think about that.

As Ethel said, do the speech about splitting lie ins but without giving him an option. 'We're going to do some things differently', perhaps.

And on your latest point, you seem to have subscribed to the idea that you are nagging and this is a terrible thing. It's not and what's far worse is doing everything. So I wouldn't bother taking the moral high ground and saying 'you can participate if you want, it's up to you'. No it isn't! Why should he get to just pick and choose and opt out of the work of parenting, when you get no such choice?

One more thing: 'looking sheepish' and doing a bit with DS now doesn't mean anything. He won't offer spontaneously to get up tomorrow (especially since you've pretty much told him you won't make him!) He will only do it if you tell him things have to change. And maybe not even then. But that's the only way. Don't think it's unreasonable to tell him this. It really is not.

Well how about your DH starts doing his share of looking after his son the mornings he isn't working so that time is created for you to looking into doing and MA, then organising childcare so you can do it...

I'm so upset now. I'm just sat here exhausted while DS (19 mths) bashes my face with Lego.

Dh was similar. There wasn't one thing that changed it though. It's been a very gradual process.

He wasn't being an arse on purpose he just totally had the mentality that he worked hard and was entitled to relax a bit on a weekend. I spent a lot of time making him realise than one if he has a bit off time off its still my time on.

It was really hard when we first had kids but he wanted to change which helped.

I once wrote down a list comparing our mornings eg me - get up, feed dog, give kids breakfast... Him - get up, have cigarette, go back to bed. That was effective. For a long time though he would say "but I thought you enjoyed... Insert thankless domestic task". Yes sweetheart I enjoy wiping weetabix off the wall while creepy mr tumble drones on in the background as much as you enjoy Saturday morning 5 a side with your mates. It's a delight!!

Do you ever wake him up, leave DS with him and go out for the day/morning? He wouldn't have a choice then.

When I read these threads I honestly do not know why or how you women but up with this utter bollox.

My dh is not perfect and neither am I but he does not laze around in bed all morning, and generally the way we work is that neither of us sit down or lie in bed until things are done.

Everyone is entitled to a lie in, mums included, but if my husband regularly spend the whole morning in bed I would go and wake him up and tell him straight that he has a child downstairs who needs looking after and a house to keep. If he refused I would be hoovering in the bedroom. If he didn't like that I'd be rethinking the relationship.

It must be a miserable existence parenting alone when you've a manchild upstairs in bed.

You might as well be a single parent. Not only is it lonely and miserable for you, it's a terrible example to the child.

Oh and it's not your job to train them. They're adults ffs. They KNOW they're being lazy shites and they know they can.

I wouldn't be giving lists or gentle hints, I'd be telling them straight how miserable I am, how they're opting out of family life and how if it continues another day I'll be opting out of the relationship.

OP just get up and go in the bath. Leave them to it.