Friend Asking For Baby Clothes

[ImNotAFlower]

I have a friend with a little girl a bit younger than mine.
When she found out she was having a girl I have her lots of my DD's baby clothes and have continued to do so when I have had bits to pass on.
Today I received a text asking if I had any clothes as her DD has had a growth spurt.
I am totally prepared to be told IABU but I am really put out at being asked, particularly as the text went on to say "don't worry" if I don't have any.
My understanding is you are grateful if given but expect nothing?
I don't know how to reply to the text without sounding blunt.
My first AIBU ladies be gentle!

Would you rather you handed over the next bag and she told you she'd went out and bought her dc lots of clothes just the week before. The whole idea of hand me downs is it saves the receiver some money.

I wouldn't be offended if a close friend asked a simple question - the reply is a simple yes or not yet.

I think for me it would depend on how close we were as friends, wether I'd be bothered or not.
I regularly pass on some of my DCs clothes to a neighbour (and friend) who has kids slightly younger than mine. Although I admit I do keep a couple of their more expensive bits, 'just incase' we have more of our own!

I think you are being unreasonable. I have done exactly the same with one of my very good friends, her daughter is 3 years older and she has been very kind giving me some clothes she has outgrown for my DDs. I asked her once if she had any more her daughter had grown out of. I do not take her for granted, wouldn't dream of it! I have similarly passed on a lot of baby toys and things to her youngest. If she had asked me if I had anything specific I would not have minded either.

I think it's cheeky to ask. Even if historically you've always passed them on, if no money changes hands and it's been done entirely as a favour/gift from you then I don't think it's polite to mention any future expectation of hand outs, even if she is confident that she will probably receive them.

It just smacks of grabby entitlement. You might fancy giving them to someone else next time, or selling them, or keeping them in case you have any more children yourself and it's just not the done thing to ask outright like that.

Massive over reaction and not worthy of a MN AIBU. You give her stuff regularly, she needs stuff, she politely and apologetically asked if you had anything, you don't. You may have in the future. That's it.

Cooee - I can't believe the cheek of the "friend" eyeing up your son's clothes for her DS while he's wearing them!! It's almost like she expects you to take them off and hand them over... cheeky mare. I wouldn't give her another thing and definitely keep or sell on if you want to - you're under no obligation to anyone.

ImNotAFlower - I do a swap with a friend of mine - she gives me her outgrown girl clothes and I pass her my DS' stuff for her son - it's great, and I am lucky enough that 2 other friends pass me some lovely girls' clothes too from time to time, which I then pass down too / give to local family charity after outgrowing. I really appreciate it (esp. as am on a budget) but would NEVER dream of asking whether the next batch was imminent - I would consider it too rude. I don't think either of us expect it or feel obliged; if she told me she was selling it all from now on I wouldn't mind! However, it does sound like your friend was trying to be as polite as possible....

So am kind of in the middle here - YABU or YANBU, not sure!

Wow, interesting thread. I wouldn't feel remotely taken for granted if a friend asked that. I'd just say: 'No, sorry, DD hasn't had a growth spurt yet, so she's still in that age range.' I'd automatically assume she was asking because she didn't want to go and buy loads, only to get a bag from you the following day.

TBH, I feel the opposite of you, and feel taken for granted a bit when people give me sacks of second hand clothes for DC. Friends often turn up with bin bags bulging with old clothes their DC have grown out of, saying I can look through them and give what I don't want to charity. I feel taken for granted that I'm the one who has to sort through stuff I've not even asked for and take it over to the charity shop for them!

I think her text was fine! She politely asked and said no worries if not! You are uptight.

Ermm I'm not sure if YABU or not really..I do the same as you with a friend and am always passing bits and bobs on as her DD is around a year younger, but I stopped as I thought she probably had loads.

A while back she very politely said her DD had run out of clothes (and I know they are struggling with money as am I) and did I have any of DD's 12-18 to spare? I had loads and had no problem giving it all to her, and I'm glad she asked. But I get that maybe if you give all the time, her asking could be annoying. If you don't have any to spare just say no sorry

I think the 'don't worry' was an attempt to be polite, a kind of "i'm just asking on the off chance". It wouldn't have occurred to me that a text asking if you have any new cast-off clothing would be taking for granted or rude, particularly if you've given stuff in the past. I think your friend has obviously misunderstood the etiquette. I'm quite surprised that so many people feel it is rude (so I have learnt something new today, thank you!).

When I was little, my mother had two friends with daughters. Between the three families, there were 8 daughters all of different ages. The bags of clothes used to get handed round and down around the girls- I remember how exciting it used to be to be packing up the clothes I'd grown out of and having a new set arrive. Like a whole new wardrobe! And very price and eco-conscious, although i suspect the motivation was more of convenience than anything else.

This wouldn't bother me at all - no harm in asking surely.

notagiraffe I don't think they are using you to go to the charity shop for them but I think it's their polite way of saying "don't worry/don't be offended if you don't like them or not your taste - just give them to the charity shop'' and I honestly think that's it. I've done it myself, would hate to think that's what I was doing.

Would you rather give them the bags back to take to the charity shop showing them how much of it you didn't like/want and risk offending them? And if that's exactly what you are doing, next time just say 'oh I've got clothes coming out of my ears, rather than waste them, I'd much rather you passed them onto someone else who'd love them'

Or maybe I'm just too polite .

I agree with you. I've stopped giving to a friend who started to expect them, and stopped saying thank you. As you say, made me feel like it was expected and thus I felt taken for granted.

Has she bought thank you gifts for you in the past? This is what I do for my friend who passes things on to me.

I would reply, ahhh sorry, nothing at the minute!

YABU. You've passed on clothes regularly over time and I assume she just wanted to check if you had any to pass on before going shopping.

If there was no precedent, you would not be unreasonable though.

I think it's a little odd to be annoyed to the point of bluntness over this. It's almost as if you want to be seen as the generous benefactor with her as the lucky recipient. I'm not saying that is how you feel but it could come across like that.

Blimey, I wish I had someone to pass dd's stuff onto, she's the smallest girl in school and regularly comes home with a bagfull. it's Christmas every month here
I have to tote my outgrowns into the charity shop which is across town from the carpark.

I've never asked for anything, but I confess to secretly eyeing up rather nice dresses which are clearly being outgrown and crossing my fingers...

Ds isn't an isue, boys clothes are only ever fit for the ragbag!

She probably didn't mean to come over as greedy or entitled, hence the not to worry comment. I was also going to suggest a similar text to a pp saying her DD is growing so much she'll soon be passing stuff onto you. My DD was always bang on size wise til she hit 2 then she grew so much between 2 and 3 it was unreal. She's almost 8 and in age 11/12 clothes because she's tall and has her dad's broad frame so it can easily happen. Don't let it worry you and try not to let it affect your relationship with your friend, it's always nice to be in touch with people who have children of a similar age.

Are you thinking about keeping some clothes for another baby in the future? Or keeping some for sentimental reasons? All of those are legitimate reasons and come before your friend.

Well I'm originally from a different country where people earn (and spend) much less, so from where I stand the question about spare clothes is not only reasonable but kinda how things should be not how things are in the UK with most families buying brand new stuff for every baby. There's so much life left in those clothes! They should be used again. And again. I have bought one or two outfits in the first three baby/toddler years, for my own personal satisfaction and the rest was given to us by friends who were better off at that time. If someone asked me for spare clothes I would feel rather obliged to do an emergency clearout straight away! But saying 'no sorry' or 'not at the moment' is absolutely fine, she will buy or ask for clothes elsewhere.

I think politely asking is ok. I wouldn't myself though.
Is it the presumption or lack of gratitude that has niggled?
I had a son and then a daughter. A couple of friends who had daughters the year before give me all their stuff and I make sure they know I'm grateful, buy little gifts for their girls as a thank you etc. They have literally saved me hundreds!
Meanwhile I have been giving away my boy stuff mainly to one acquaintance and she does ask, sometimes to the point of nagging. Last time I agreed to drop off a bundle at her work (I had reason to go there anyway) but forgot and left it in car boot. She sent me a long message about how the receptionist was very confused as no bundle had arrived etc. She needed them urgently etc. So I took them next day. Not a single word of thanks. I'm happy for her to have/use/pass them on. I would appreciate a thank you though.

YABU. It is really annoying to go out and buy some new clothes, only receive similar items in a bag from a friend the following week. I think she is being perfectly reasonable and I don't know why you don't like it, when she is an old friend. What skin is it off your nose?

I wouldn't mind her asking unless she's phrased it in a way that sounds like she's taking you for granted/pressurising you. As someone pointed out, just because you've given her clothes before doesn't mean you will again. Each time, that was a favour.

at the idea that it's "really annoying" when your friends' gifts don't come in to suit your own shopping schedule. Sounds really fucking entitled to me but there you are.

It's not the shopping schedule though, is it? It's how fast kids grow that makes the right timing important.

really annoying when your friends' gifts don't come in to suit your own shopping schedule.

I don't have a shopping schedule but I do only buy DC clothing when they need it eg. a school summer dress, or a pair of jeans, a coat etc.

It's a waste of money if you receive those items the next week - or indeed, if you hand something to someone and they have just bought that item. The point of handing the item down is to save money/ stuff/ and environment. I am not annoyed with the person at all. It's just annoying like rain all over your washing, no one's fault. I am sure I have done it to others when passing clothes on, but if someone asked me if I was planning on handing them some clothes, I would be delighted as it would save this happening to them.

YABU

at the idea that it's "really annoying" when your friends' gifts don't come in to suit your own shopping schedule

But it is annoying in the same way it is annoying when a voucher for a free eye test and £50 off glasses arrives the day after you've picked up your ne glasses or a £20 off £100 Tescos voucher arrives the day after you've done an unusually large shop. It has nothing at all to do with being entitled.