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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend Asking For Baby Clothes

81 replies

ImNotAFlower · 15/04/2016 12:00

I have a friend with a little girl a bit younger than mine.
When she found out she was having a girl I have her lots of my DD's baby clothes and have continued to do so when I have had bits to pass on.
Today I received a text asking if I had any clothes as her DD has had a growth spurt.
I am totally prepared to be told IABU but I am really put out at being asked, particularly as the text went on to say "don't worry" if I don't have any.
My understanding is you are grateful if given but expect nothing?
I don't know how to reply to the text without sounding blunt.
My first AIBU ladies be gentle!

OP posts:
Fiona80 · 15/04/2016 12:37

I think yabu just a bit, she did ask, not demand. But I see where you r coming from that she sort of just expects it. Since she is looking for the size your daughter is wearing now, then the problem will go away itself as she seems to be outgrowing your dd. just reply back saying no not at the minute.

A cousin used to drop round bags of clothes for my dd who was 2 years younger than her dd, but now my dd wears clothes bigger than her dd.

windygales · 15/04/2016 12:43

I think Yabu. She's an old friend things like this should be easy to discuss with each other

OliviaStabler · 15/04/2016 12:47

YABU. Yes she asked you (some would find that rude, I don't) but she has been clear in her text it is an enquiry, not an expectation.

You have developed a pattern of behaviour in giving her clothes in the past. I see no reason why she would not politely ask if you had anything you could give her before going out and spending lots of money on new clothes, especially as you are old friends.

Original poster
ImNotAFlower · 15/04/2016 12:48

Thanks all for the input.
It looks likethe majority think that IABU and I have no problem with that. It was one of those situations where my initial reaction was "well that's cheeky" and my second reaction was "it's just a question" and I genuinely wasn't sure so asked Grin
As people have said it doesn't look to be a problem going forward as they are clearly now in the same size clothes.
I also don't think I should have used the word offended in my post. I wasn't offended just a bit surprised and probably felt like that because I would not ask someone else the same question.
I have sent a no she is still wearing them text.

On a side note HayBales the irony at the end of your post made me laugh out loud.

Thank for your opinions!

OP posts:
MangoBiscuit · 15/04/2016 12:50

Another vote for this being the reasoning:

She probably didnt want to go out and update the wardrobe only for you to turn up a week later with clothes. Its pretty forward but I get why she asked if its the reason that came to my mind.

I would text back and say "Nothing at the moment. Gosh, your DD is growing so fast we'll soon be passing hand-me-downs the other way! Grin "

smellyboot · 15/04/2016 12:51

I think she's being reasonable. I always hand stuff down and actually tell people when I am about to have a clear out to stop them wasting money. I told a mate a year ago not to buy her DS uniform as my DS is a year older and my last child so it's all here when ready.... I love getting hand me downs but I've been gutted a few times when I have ended up buying some thing we need like a coat / wellies / swim suits, using them and naming them and then only 3 weeks later being given duplicate hand me downs ! It's happened a few times to me and at one point I ended up with 10 school jumpers the same size, 10 pairs of school trousers and 5 pairs of PE pumps. I rehoused them all of course eventually !

smellyboot · 15/04/2016 12:52

So I totally agree with Mango. I've done it and could have saved a fortune lol

Inertia · 15/04/2016 12:53

It would normally seem a bit cheeky, but is less so here because you have established a pattern of passing on clothes.

Think I would just reply saying that your daughter is still wearing that size, looks like her daughter has caught up so the passing-on arrangement won't work any longer.

MattDillonsPants · 15/04/2016 12:54

It's a weird thing isn't it...passing on clothes I mean. My friend keeps passing on things to my DD despite the fact that DD is taller than her DD...and none of them ever fit!

I have told her...I've said "Ooh DD has grown! None of that bundle fitted her...do you want them back?" and she always says "Oh no...it's fine!"

Leaving me with things I can't use!

Her DD is about 8 months older and I think that because her DD is broader she must think the things will fit but they don't! My DD is 8 but so tall she wears things for ten year olds. They never fit her waist though and I have to take them in.

Lockheart · 15/04/2016 12:54

I think given the history between you YAB a little U. If she'd text you saying 'Drop round more clothes when you get a mo' I'd be sharpening the pitchforks with the best of them Grin but if a friend asked me if I had any old whatevers I wasn't using anymore I wouldn't mind.

Oly5 · 15/04/2016 12:55

I don't think there is anything wrong with her asking! What's wrong with that? you're friends!

I'd ask a friend too if they had a history of giving me stuff - before I spent £££ on a new wardrobe only for them to say "why did you do that? I was giving you stuff".

YABU

And a bit precious

Beeziekn33ze · 15/04/2016 12:56

YABU
She's a friend, friends sometimes ask each other for things. It doesn't sound like an insult or an imposition to me. Do you feel uncomfortable at having to refuse?
You've explained here that your DD is still in the size her DD has grown into which is a perfectly valid reason for having nothing in that size to pass on. It may be that her DD even gets taller than your DD so passing on would become a thing of the past.
As a friend she will surely understand why you're refusing, don't let the text affect a friendship. Send a polite refusal and forget it. 💐 - because it's a kind and generous thought to have been passing on outgrown clothes to a friend.

IdStillRatherBeKnitting · 15/04/2016 12:56

I had three DD's, and then my oldest friend had 2DD's. I passed a lot of clothes her way, and she did start to ask for them. She is very well off, but is, um...frugal.
I always sorted some things out (not having anymore babies myself), and passed them on (even though she said once they smelled funny). I felt a bit like you do op.

Then, then I had a baby boy (planned with a new DP), and she sent her mum, over 300 miles in her estate car, packed to the gunnels with baby stuff, as she knew I'd given everything away. All the neutral girl stuff, and things from her friends who had had boys. Beautiful, designer stuff. I then felt very Blush

We've lost touch a bit, and I miss her!

Binders1 · 15/04/2016 12:58

I don't know if you friend has much money so it helps her and her dd out.

I would take it as a compliment that she likes the clothes you buy your dd and is happy for her dd to wear them. I know a few that would take the bag, say thanks and turn their nose up behind their back - don't take them if you don't want/need them.

I think there is nothing wrong with a polite, sorry not at the moment, all dd clothes still fit.

HackerFucker22 · 15/04/2016 13:02

I had a "friend" work out how old my DC2 would be when her DC2 arrived to see if she could have my pram!!

She passed if off as a joke but was told in no uncertain terms that a) the pram wasn't up for grabs and will be sold when I am done and b) we have a relative due a baby sooner thane her and they would be getting any stuff we have.

Beeziekn33ze · 15/04/2016 13:06

A relative was upset when someone with a child almost 2 years younger passed on lovely, barely worn, toddler clothes to her tiny child. She was being over sensitive IMHO but I didn't tell her as he was very prem and her first. Unsure whether she put him in the outfits, I think she did in the end. The friend who gave her the clothes would have been horrified to have upset her.

liinyo · 15/04/2016 13:09

I agree you are BU. She asked not demanded and said not to worry if you hadn't got anything. I feel quite sorry for her. IMO you would only ask this if money was tight and now it appears she is being judged and called grabby for being (presumably) quite hard up.

HidingUnderARock · 15/04/2016 13:09

Since she is an old friend and you have given her cast-offs before, I don't see how it can be rude to politely ask. The "don't worry if not" is in case (as an old friend) you kindly rush to find her something out of kindness because she has asked.

Funnily enough I used to have the opposite problem, as I was happy to get hand-me-downs and use charity shops but was worried it might be taken the wrong way if I offered them to others when my DC grew out of them.

JugglingFromHereToThere · 15/04/2016 13:10

If she's an old friend and you've passed on clothes several times before I don't really think there's anything wrong with her asking. You could say it shows some appreciation for the previous clothes in a way?

HereIAm20 · 15/04/2016 13:10

If you are not going to hold on to them for a ny future possible Dc and was going to sell let her know that too. Say I'm going to sell them on freeads site but if you're interested I can let you know what I am selling first so you can have first dibs.

diddl · 15/04/2016 13:12

It doesn't sound as if she was rude in the way that she asked so I would just reply that you have nothing & leave it at that.

Tbh the "don't worry" would piss me off.

I know it's just a phrase but to me it does add an element of pressure/expectation?

Afterall, if there's nothing, there's nothing & that's the end of it.

Why would Op worry-it's not up to her to clothe he friend's child!

I'd look at it as a bit cheeky, but the sort of cheek that's acceptable between friends!

AppleSetsSail · 15/04/2016 13:13

Really depends on the friendship.

I often find much of the politely oblique back and forth between friends a bit tedious and prefer direct requests. I would also be flattered that someone liked my baby clothes enough to ask for them.

That said, if she is relying upon your daughter's hand-me-downs to clothe her daughter, then she should find a way to repay your kindness.

PoodlesOfFun · 15/04/2016 13:16

I normally agree it's a bit cheeky, but it does sound like she thought you were probably going to pass them on and she might check before buying some more. I'd use "don't worry" if not to mean don't feel obligated.

birchygoo · 15/04/2016 13:17

YABU - she asked politely and gave you an out option of 'dont worry if not'. If someone had kindly given me clothes previously I would think that they didnt mind passing on things they were not using and therefore probably would have asked as well. As previous posters have said she probably thought it was better to ask then to buy new things and for you then to pass things on a week later.

I also think its perfectly acceptable for you not to share anymore if you dont want to. You dont even need to give a reason. I would just reply - not at the minute sorry.

However if you were planning on giving her stuff and now you are not as she has asked you before you have got around to it - I think YABVU - but you need to do what makes you happy.

LikeASoulWithoutAMind · 15/04/2016 13:23

I think the "don't worry" was meant politely.

Anyway, if they are now the same size then the issue will go away. And how lovely for your two girls to grow up together.

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