AIBU to think 'if you don't like his temper tantrums, calm the fuck down yourself!'

[TooGood2BeFalse]

Hi all, really at a loss as to how and help my family and would be really grateful for any advice or constructive criticism.

Our DS has just turned 4. He is a happy, healthy, gorgeous fellow but a complete Jekyll Hyde. He was a late talker, but has generally taken massive leaps in development since he turned 3 and is just streets ahead of where he was. He goes to nursery 4 days a week, and despite acknowledging that his understanding and social skills are a little delayed, he is very smart, calm, well-behaved and co-operative in class.

At home, he is either charming and great fun, or ridiculously stroppy, stubborn and will NOT do as he's told without screaming and occasionally hitting. He hates anybody else talking to me, so will start singing at the top of voice to drown out DH, which irritates DH immensely.

He has no impulse control, and will throw anything, break things etc then look at us for a reaction. He's not the most difficult child there ever was, but he can be hard work. No SN recognised as of yet.

My husband loves him to pieces, but has less patience for the constant drama and fights over the smallest things (e.g. sock on wrong foot) and does not enjoy family time. He tries to take DS out for 'daddy time', at least twice a week as he wants to bond with him, but it almost always ends in DS having a tantrum about leaving or not being allowed to do something, and they both come back upset.

My DH is quite similar in temperament - quick to fly off the handle, anxious, occasionally quite grumpy, likes his own way and has a history of disliking authority. He has previously taken anger management courses. We have never hit each other or smacked our son.

I feel some days like I am fighting to keep them both calm and happy and failing desperately, I dread weekends as if DS gets grumpy DH starts moaning - the pressure to keep things peaceful is immense. While on the one hand I do understand that DS can be so infuriating, I also think as a parent, DH needs to calm down and stop ranting as negativity is getting us nowhere.

So sorry for the huge essay, I am just gutted for them both as they went to the beach this morning as no nursery today. DS wanted to run into a restaurant all sandy and naked, DH said No..DS screamed and hit him in front of everyone. Two unhappy boys.

Does anyone have any advice? Feel like I am living with two teenagers. Am also nearly 27 weeks pregnant, so already tired and a bit fed up.

I feel for your DH in this situation...

The fact that you describe your DS as calm, well-behaved and co-operative at nursery, but then describe entirely opposite behaviours at home, is very infuriating.

A lot of the time, children behave the way they are expected to behave. He's expected to be good and behave nicely in school so he does. It seems to me that you don't necessarily expect him to behave at home. If he's behaving in nursery, he does have impulse control. By the sounds of it, he's also not breaking things and throwing things there either.

There need to be consequences for bad behaviour, be that removing a toy, witholding a treat, removing him from a situation.

He also needs to be rewarded for behaving. Catch him doing something good, and praise him for that.

He hates anybody else talking to me, so will start singing at the top of voice to drown out DH, which irritates DH immensely.
This is just really rude. How do you respond when this happens? I can see why this irritates your DH. That is bad behaviour, and certainly not something that would be tolerated in a nursery environment.

There will, of course, be times when he behaves badly, but right now, he's not seeing the benefit of behaving, or the inconvenience of not behaving.

You mention - almost in passing - that you have recently moved house.

This is a huge event in a small child's life. You mentioned that his sleep has been disturbed because of it. It is highly likely that he will have regressed behaviorally because of the move, so you need to go back to the management techniques appropriate to a younger child. He is tired and feeling a loss of control so he needs lots of reassurance and patience until he gets used to the changes.

Your DH needs to grow up and be the parent.

I agree with squiggleirl to be honest. If he's ok at nursery it sounds like your methods aren't working and I totally see why your DH is getting annoyed. He prob feels you're pas sifting it. He's four and this behaviour does needs sorting before school. I'll be honest temper tantrums at four need dealing with quickly as he's out of the toddler age imo

I agree you both need to be on the same page as pp poster said, but I'm inclined to suggest you play more of the part of DH rather than what you're doing now.

I'll be honest there's no way on earth id let my kid drown out DH when he was talking - that's terrible behaviour!

I wander if your annoyance with your DH is clouding how bad some of your Ds behaviour is.

Not trying to sound harsh so apologies if it does