to wish my ex was dead?

[frecklesagogo]

My mother said you should never ever wish that on anyone. So I'm ashamed and bracing myself for all the hateful backlash I might get. But please hear me out, I'm desperate in need of some advice and support.

This man, the father of my 5 yo DD physically, emotionally and mentally abused me over a seven year relationship ending with one day when he beat me senseless on the floor while my daughter was in the bath alone aged 2. I called the police, he was arrested and charged with assault.

I have left him three years ago. Despite me caring for DD 80% of the time in that 3 year separation, he won 50/50 custody in court. It hurt like hell but I have sucked it up; I work hard in a excellent job, study, see friends, do all my chores so when DD is back I can be the best mum I can be.

In March following three months of text and email abuse saying i was a failure of a mother, fat, ugly, useless etc I reported him to the police again for harassment. He got a warning and his response was to report me back to the police, and to social services for child abuse. This also hurt but they had the sense to see it for what it was and dismiss him.

As a result I now only communicate with him via his girlfriend. (Yes he has a girlfriend, of 2 years, they are living together and trying for a baby. I met her and really liked her, how is she not running for the hills!). She is capable of keeping communication business like and I am hugely grateful for that.

However, he keeps finding new and creative ways to hurt me: keeping back uniform so i have none, blocking me from face timing DD when shes been with him for a week, calling me fat on the doorstep when i pick her up and this week he has kept back her first reading response book and won't let me borrow it to take pictures. Sounds insignificant, but she is in reception; it documents her transition from angelic chimp, to reading, writing little pupil and her dad has not done any of her homework with her. It represents hours of my time investing in her drawing and writing and maths and the pictures and stories are so lovely and ooze sentimental value. And I am in bits, crying about a little book?!

And so I had that horrible thought flicker in my mind that this is how its going to be for the rest of my life, him finding new ways to be spiteful and nasty because i left him and he is bitter. And i know its a terrible thing to think, and I don't think i really want him dead, I just want to live without this constant torment.

Awade you should feel ashamed.

There's always one!

💩 wish I had one of these that didn't smile......

Yanbu

The feeling is probably mutual, so go ahead

I don't care how a despicable someone is or what they have done, to wish death on another human being is wrong.

Thought is not action.

Would it be OK for me to wish someone was raped if they did something horrible or would that be too much.

Ignore the immature poster.

I don't think that the OP is wishing her abusive ex dead as a punishment Awade

It is so that he no longer causes her and her DD pain. But you don't really want to understand , do you?

awade are you for fucking real?

This man could of quite easily, caused the death of freckles dd while he left her ALONE IN THE BATH to beat her mother senseless and you reckon she should be ashamed....

What do you want her say "thanks for the tuning honey, have a nice day wont you"

God some people really are fucking idiots!

I dont think it is bad to wish death on someone but Dont let it eat you up what they did to you cause then they are winning and you are only punishing yourself.
The best success is being successful, moving on and being happy... it sounds really cliche but it is true.

Fuck him and don't let your entirely understandable feelings make you feel guilty.

I don't have any experience of such a situation but do have faith in children. Your daughter will see him for what he is and you'll be rewarded with her love for being the parent she deserves.

@awade - rape in that case would be a punishment whereas death means that the OP and her daughter are allowed to live in peacee.

I am with you, op

The world will always be a better place with one fewer twat in it.

Do you have second hand school uniform sales..Might be worth getting a stock( you really shouldn't have to) but stops an issue for your DD

It's a wish I so understand. No flaming from me either.

His new partner is not as strong as you, she's obviously insecure. Never send your child in new clothes, send her in second hand clothes when she visits her dad, and let the school know he has kept her book, and that you want a copy.

There is no way a communication can be set up with this man, and forget half siblings. That's just another way he can maintain contact.

It's horrible but doable. Good luck. X

Wishing that unsatisfactory, worthless people like this abusive man would die is perfectly normal and healthy. It's only a problem when you take action in order to make that wish come true. Wishing has no effect on the person, which can be unfortunate as there are a few people the world would not miss very much. Though I would always advise anyone who has an abusive XP who threatens suicide to get his own way to say 'Go on then' and put the phone down. Maybe that would work...

I totally understand op, having gone through similar myself. My dc's are now adults and have nothing to do with him. As they got older they soon saw through him and made the decision themselves.

I used to wish all sorts of horrible things on my ex to the point that everytime a police officer came to my work or house (happens lots due to my job) I used to get all hopeful and I had a "oh no ive been widowed again" face that I tried and tried to perfect.

Failed miserably given that I was aiming for respectful dignified and perhaps a little troubled but the closest I came was limiting a huge grin to slightly less than huge and not actually saying "fucking hell that's brilliant" out loud. I practised most days for 7 years.

I find the trick to dealing with abusive pricks to to anticipate the moves they will make and account for them whilst not allowing the conduct to bother you.

Get a diary and document everything, ask the GF to pass back uniforms and have a spare at home or if possible have a set of transfer clothes something like a plain tracksuit she can be changed into before she goes and tell GF she needs to be wearing it on return, photo copy her book when ever you have it and if possible show no reaction at all to his conduct. If his behaviour towards you could constitute harrasment report report report.

To everybody else.
A few years ago there was a big thing being made in the press about fathers rights and making the assumption of 50/50 an actual thing this failed IMO quite understandably but at about the same time cafcass appeared to change the way they treat DA and CA not at CP level cases people working in the field noticed a huge shift and found it to be quite blatient all of a sudden reports where we were expecting to see significant risks highlighted along with indirect or supervised contact only recommended,just didn't have it in and what they had instead was total and utter ignorance of risk coupled with quite astounding recommendations and selective quotes in the reports along with the reports having almost no relation to the actual meetings.

In my area we have just had a case involving inprisonment for one of the most horrific child cruelty cases I have ever seen relating to a baby of that age (under a month) where the damage to the baby has resulted in what is likely to be long term disability yet the CAFCAS report used in the corresponding family law case refered to the perpetrator as a consistent loving parent who was doing wonderfully during high level supervised contact and recommending normal level supervision.they parents defence actually used evidence from cafcas to support their criminal case.

I would chain myself to a fence and protest naked outside parliment if I thought it would help safe commited none abusive fathers rights in relation to children but I do thick the attitude that domestic abusers can be good or even adaquate parents to be taking the piss, domestic abusers are by there very nature also child abusers, forcing a child to witness DA or the after effects of it is child abuse and we are quite hot on that in every area of the law relating to children apart from when it comes to child contact.

There are ways of getting supervised but these very rarely mean long term.

Some people don't have the capacity for empathy.

I wish my ex was dead too and he does't even see DS. Understandable thought process for you and I'm so sorry you are going through this and having to watch your DD go through this. The court system has swung the other way and is still not taking into account what is actually best for a child.

Big hugs

Yanbu. How awful that you went through years of shit and for it to end like that. What you think is normal, try not to allow him to bring you negative energy. Easier said than done but try for yourself so you aren't feeling so much hatred. Totally understand though.