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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to wish my ex was dead?

72 replies

frecklesagogo · 15/04/2016 09:57

My mother said you should never ever wish that on anyone. So I'm ashamed and bracing myself for all the hateful backlash I might get. But please hear me out, I'm desperate in need of some advice and support.

This man, the father of my 5 yo DD physically, emotionally and mentally abused me over a seven year relationship ending with one day when he beat me senseless on the floor while my daughter was in the bath alone aged 2. I called the police, he was arrested and charged with assault.

I have left him three years ago. Despite me caring for DD 80% of the time in that 3 year separation, he won 50/50 custody in court. It hurt like hell but I have sucked it up; I work hard in a excellent job, study, see friends, do all my chores so when DD is back I can be the best mum I can be.

In March following three months of text and email abuse saying i was a failure of a mother, fat, ugly, useless etc I reported him to the police again for harassment. He got a warning and his response was to report me back to the police, and to social services for child abuse. This also hurt but they had the sense to see it for what it was and dismiss him.

As a result I now only communicate with him via his girlfriend. (Yes he has a girlfriend, of 2 years, they are living together and trying for a baby. I met her and really liked her, how is she not running for the hills!). She is capable of keeping communication business like and I am hugely grateful for that.

However, he keeps finding new and creative ways to hurt me: keeping back uniform so i have none, blocking me from face timing DD when shes been with him for a week, calling me fat on the doorstep when i pick her up and this week he has kept back her first reading response book and won't let me borrow it to take pictures. Sounds insignificant, but she is in reception; it documents her transition from angelic chimp, to reading, writing little pupil and her dad has not done any of her homework with her. It represents hours of my time investing in her drawing and writing and maths and the pictures and stories are so lovely and ooze sentimental value. And I am in bits, crying about a little book?!

And so I had that horrible thought flicker in my mind that this is how its going to be for the rest of my life, him finding new ways to be spiteful and nasty because i left him and he is bitter. And i know its a terrible thing to think, and I don't think i really want him dead, I just want to live without this constant torment.

OP posts:

cestlavielife · 15/04/2016 11:12

I get it, all this kind of behavior is very wearing. but you cant project and get in his head... it is hard to know whether these people do sit down and think oh how can I annoy her today, I know I will do xxxx.... or maybe they simply have an innate ability to know just how to wind us up... and we have to find a way to be able to ignore and not get riled by their actions, hard as it is. mindfulness techniques etc .

you have been thru court so these issues may/would not be enough to contest the 50/50. unless it's directly impacting on dd welfare you have no strong case. but, you can keep reporting him for harassment...

SS cannot review a custody arrangement only a court can.

but you would need to prove he is damaging DD not just abusing you - keep reporting him to police for harassment.

what you can do is get help to deal with it (did you have counselling after the incident?) visualizing techniques (he is a tiny little man who can jump and down all he likes it wont get to me) etc

and find a way to deal with handovers eg no discussion on handovers, dd is getting old enough not to walk from a short distance within sight eg gate to house;
get another set of uniform;

ask school to copy and send everything to you both etc.

as she gets older and more independent your involvement with him will be less and less...

go see counselor specialist in this kind of background. do something for you eg join a choir, physical sport etc

2016Hopeful · 15/04/2016 11:12

Don't blame you. Sounds like you are doing a great job of bringing up your daughter and not letting her know what an awful man her father is. Just think you will only have to deal with him for another 10 years really. Once your daughter is 16 I am sure she will make her own arrangements.

bibliomania · 15/04/2016 11:16

Ask the school to make sure that there are two copies of any completed workbooks that are being sent home - they can't do everything, but my dd's school is very good making copies of the main end-of-year work.

I remember the uniform thing being awful when dd was the same age as your dd - it got better, partly because I ended up with such mounds of the stuff that it would be virtually impossible for exH to exhaust my supplies. I bought cheap and I bought a lot - I found that an extra £20 spent on uniform saved me a huge amount of angst.

I did all handovers with exH in a public place, and even then he'd cause a scene. I got to the point where as he approached, I would inform him solemnly that I was recording the handover. I never was (wasn't sure I could really do anything with the recording) but it made him tone it down.

I talk about this in the past tense, because in the end, exH's behaviour to dd was sufficiently bad that his contact was significantly reduced, although not stopped entirely. That's the test - how is he behaving to her? You won't get contact reduced based on his behaviour to you, so it's a question of constantly monitoring her wellbeing and if it's being affected, you get that documented and then you've got grounds to get the contact reduced.

I find it bemusing to be the focus of so much hatred from my exH. I've got to the stage where my main feeling is boredom at predictable he is.

It will get better. He won't change, but situations evolve, and over time, you will have less and less to do with him.

MattDillonsPants · 15/04/2016 11:24

HOW on earth do authorities look at cases like this and decide that yes, the dick can have 50 50 care!!?? How?

Is there nothing OP can do?

OP, is DD happy when she's with her Dad? Does she like going there?

HackerFucker22 · 15/04/2016 11:26

Keep a log of everything and I mean absolutely everything.

VertigoNun · 15/04/2016 11:28

That's the family court system. Ranting at OP about it won't help her. You can try something productive instead like write to your MP or Mundy who runs the courts family division.

ClopySow · 15/04/2016 11:32

I felt the same way.

Keep a diary, speak to the school about access to her books etc, arrange for pick ups so there is no contact, all contact through email so there proof. Speak to school about change of uniform.

EveryoneElsie · 15/04/2016 11:34

Some people are just evil. Not mentally ill, just plain nasty, spiteful, vindictive and will take any opportunity they can get to cause pain or trouble.
YANBU. Do you feel that way about anyone else?
How the hell can the system allow him access let alone custody?

Keep an incident diary.
Use the GF to get the items you need. Just state in a matter of fact way 'I need this item, please get it to me asap.'

cestlavielife · 15/04/2016 11:35

since age of 12 dd2 has been arranging own contact by text/wassapp. so it's not so long to wait...

NickiFury · 15/04/2016 12:07

I used to wish my ex would fall under a tube when he was pissed. He was such a massive and vicious bully and I felt like I would be tied to him forever. I am not ashamed of it, he made my life a complete misery and destroyed my mental health for seven years, he robbed me of my children's babyhood. I cried every day for years married to him.

Things have improved and it's mainly because he met someone else and I am fortunate that to his "code" that releases me from "belonging" to him. He is still an occasional utter bell end but not like he was.

msrisotto · 15/04/2016 12:14

YANBU, I wish my neighbours dead. It's just a feeling and he/they probably deserve it. In reality, I just ignore them so don't feel there's any actual harm. What he has done is far worse than you merely wishing the bastard kicks it.

jay55 · 15/04/2016 12:26

I can't understand why the new gf is with a man so invested in his exes life. He's awful and if I had a voodoo doll of stick some pins on it for you.

Sunnybitch · 15/04/2016 12:30

What kind of idiot thinks it's a good idea to give joint custody of a child, to a man who left the little thing alone in the bath while he beat her mother senseless???

The fucking bastard should be in jail!!!

freckles you are doing an amazing job and I echo everyone else by saying document everything, no matter how small write it down, any tx msg's, emails, even record your conversations with him if you can, so you have solid proof to show that this pathetic vile bully should have nothing to do with your child...or any child for that matter!

Marquand · 15/04/2016 12:38

I really feel sorry for you, especially as you are in exactly the same position as a friend of mine. The only reason for not wishing him dead is that their son (nearly 6) adores his dad. But apart from that, he is an abusive asshole (towards her), takes issue with anything and everything, has unreasonable requests, etc.

They have a mediator, and when communication deteriorates, they have the mediator there to sit in with the discussions.

Maybe you should consider that?

cestlavielife · 15/04/2016 12:40

document in a file and then park it so you not letting it take over your life.

find a way so he doesn't get to you.

so long as dd is happy going to see him and seems to be well looked after then just save the info for when it might be needed.

and to reiterate that his abuse to you wont change the way court sees it for his care arrangements for child. that is the way it is.

unless/until it's shown to be directly impacting on the child's well being.

and do what you can to not react other than by reporting/recording as one single reaction from you that is witnessed or recorded then goes against you and it becomes recorded as "warring parents" (speaking from experience)

meddie · 15/04/2016 12:43

Yanbu. I got very excited when my ex developed a cough that lasted for 3 months. Buggers still going strong though 20 years later. Joking aside its a very natural response to want something that is causing you hurt and pain to just go away.

AwadebumboMk2 · 15/04/2016 12:56

Are we actually on a thread wishing death on another human being? Anyone one that agrees should be ashamed of themselves.

Twinklestein · 15/04/2016 13:19

FFS

msrisotto · 15/04/2016 13:45

Interesting that you choose only to mention how mean the OP is Awadebumbo. Nevermind the ex who actually caused her harm. Who's side are you on?

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 15/04/2016 13:49

I'd be ashamed of not being able to show the OP an ounce of sympathy.

Freckles

seagreengirl · 15/04/2016 13:58

Anyone one that agrees should be ashamed of themselves.

Well add me to the list, have you read what the OP has been through, and you actually think that she is in the wrong for venting on an anonymous thread. Are you really that perfect that you have never had murderous thoughts about anyone?

I am actually incensed by your comment and you should be ashamed.

donajimena · 15/04/2016 14:01

awade jog on dear!
I understand your feelings. I used to wish my ex dead. It did pass.
Getting 20 messages a night calling me a cunt kind of didn't get on my good side. The police couldn't arrest him because they couldn't find him (I believe them)
I'm assuming he met someone else because he stopped eventually. But I did think the only way for it to stop was for something unfortunate to happen to him...

LagunaBubbles · 15/04/2016 14:12

Are we actually on a thread wishing death on another human being? Anyone one that agrees should be ashamed of themselves

No you should be ashamed of yourself for your post - focusing on that rather than the bigger picture - a woman recovering from extreme domestic violence who still has to have the perpetrator in her life because of their child.

flirtygirl · 15/04/2016 14:24

Id wish him death, hes despicable Yadnbu, you are doing so wellOp and must be very strong.
I would also go back to court and make contact less if possible and failing that i would eventually up sticks and move away. Hard i know from support networks, jobs etc but if he wasnt willing to change and prob never will, it wouldbe an option.

meddie · 15/04/2016 14:24

I bloody hope we are on that thread Adawe otherwise the OP has seriously misrepresented the content of it

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