letter from dead parent

[cuddlemonkey2016]

My mother passed away a few weeks ago and we didn't speak for the last few years of her life.

however I have been informed that she has left me a letter, and I am guessing from the tone of my sibling it's not going to be massively complimentary (I have a feeling he has actually read it!)

Do I read the letter or just bin it? I know it's not going to be an apology but probably a final hurrah and what a bad person I am etc.

Just thinking DB can think the letter is a big deal (apparently you should read it before going to the funeral? ) But it doesn't have to be in your mind. I would definitely try to see it within the context of your whole relationship with your mother and all her behaviour towards you through the years.

That's partly why I'd keep it for a little while before reading it, and so I was through the worst of the shock and grief over her passing - because we always grieve for someone close to us whether the relationship was good or bad and whatever the circumstances,

I think get letter from brother, put to one side for now.
Go to funeral if you wish
Read letter at some later date with a good friend with you.

But of course, you should do whatever you feel will help you most

I would without doubt read it, as then you will know whether your mother regretted being such a beehatch and you can start to realise she regretted her actions and maybe find some peace. Alternatively if it's a bad letter you can console yourself that you were right to have nothing to do with her and dance merrily on her grave

What would it add to your life to have read it? You were already not talking to her for the last few years of her life and now - whatever she said in it - you would have no means of responding even if you had wished to.

I'd bin it without reading it.

It's not going to be nice, or an apology.
f my brother is desperate for me to read it then I think it's safe to say it's just going to be full of insults and "I loved you and you were horrible"

Luckily have lots of good friends who will listen and DH.

Brother is an arse. Always has been.

Between him and her, tbh it sounds like you've nothing to lose by neither going to the funeral, nor speaking to him again (which by default means not accepting the letter from him). Do you feel strong enough to turn your back on the last vestiges of 'family' and get on with a new chapter? You have an opportunity for a sort of freedom that you didn't have before. If you read the letter - and it doesn't sound like he'd want you to if it was a heartfelt apology from your mum - then you're tied to him for that bit longer.

God, your family sound awful cuddle. Worse than mine and that's saying something. Have a great big unmumsnetty hug.

I really feel for you, what an awful situation.

As Gryla said, if relations with your brother are poor, and he took your mother's side, then you should be wary of accepting his 'take' on the letter, which he may not have read. I agree with others that, for your own peace of mind, you should take the letter into your possession and not rush to do anything about it now. He doesn't have the right to require' you to read it before grudgingly admitting you to the funeral, if indeed you want to go.

And I think that if you decide at some point in the future that you definitely don't want to destroy it unread, have someone you really, really trust to read it for you. I once did this for a very good friend who had a particularly horrible relationship with a powerfully unpleasant and formerly abusive mother - though the mother was not dead, they had just been NC for years. The letter was as manipulative and cruel as can be imagined, but at least I was able to convey that gently to my friend, and save her the pain of the language her mother actually used.

I'm so sorry that even in death she hasn't let you be, cuddlemonkey.

I'm estranged from my father and wouldn't put it past him to do similar, my sister sounds like the female equivilant of your brother and would do the same too.
Could your DH read the letter and decide from there if you should read it?

If you decide that you do want to know what's in the letter, I would second advice to get someone you trust to read the letter first. I think I would have to know what's in it because otherwise I'd always wonder about what it said.

You don't have to read it straight away though, whatever your brother says. It's fine to put it in a drawer and leave it there for a year or ten until you're ready if you want to. It's also fine to put it in the bin unread if you decide you have no interest in reading it.

Abusive texts? That isn't right. If it was me- he wouldn't have to send more than two to have the police on his doorstep. but im a bitter cow like that. Could you change your number? If you don't want a relationship with him (and why would you if he treats you like that) then can you not change your number? Landline too if you have to- it can be done, we nearly had to do the same year before last.

I think the fact your asking means you want to read it OP. Your curious, and you want to know what she has to say- that's OK, I would be too.

I think you should take the letter and make your mind up then- but if your brother is sending you abusive text messages, send someone in your place. A trusted friend/DH/older DC if you have them. If he is abusive by text message I imagine he will be abusive in person- and you need to protect yourself. At the very least take someone with you. Or if he has your address/your happy for him to have it for whatever reason he can of course post it to you. As for him reading it (if he has of course, and he sounds like the type who would) then that is bang out of order.

Whatever decision you make- think about the bigger picture and what impact it will have on you in the future. Could she say something to you that's going to upset you so much it damages your self confidence and has a knock on effect on other aspects of your life? Would ripping it up mean you will always be curious to know what she said.

Only YOU and YOU alone can make the right decision here.

Hi OP, for you.

I'd steal myself and read the letter. Weep my tears and dry them. You'll go through life always wondering. At keast you'll know for certain and heal. I never had a good relationship. She didn't like me. Brother was golden child, and sis was her "little lamb". Her dislike for me even penetrated deep into her Alzhiemers. What I mean is, shed be all smiles and giddiness. And the minute she clapped eyes on me, her face would change. My siblings would laugh and say "what have you done to her"? They'd leave me on my own for a week looking after her. This was fine. I used to travel hundreds of miles once a month for nearly 10 yrs to help look after her, and give them a break.
She wouldn't eat. Clench her teeth so I couldn't feed her. That sort of thing.

If you are under no illusions, then her letter content really shouldn't suprise you. Take back the power from your brother. Put an end to the power your mother had. If it's hurtful, then she's a vile creature. If it's conciliatory, then bonus! Heal, mend and live your life well.

It makes me think about a real life situation I know well. The father was a bad, uncaring parent and kept it up even on his death bed when he knew he'd never see his DD again. Strangely, it gave her release because it meant she knew, beyond all doubt, that there was nothing good about him and there was nothing she could have ever done to encourage him to behave better towards her.

Your brother sounds as if he's trying to make/prolong the 'drama' of the whole thing. OK, it may be his way of dealing with his loss but it still doesn't make him a very nice person.

If I had been told I 'wasn't welcome' at a funeral then I wouldn't go. (I'd find it almost impossible not to send a short last message indicating politely but formally that I wouldn't be attending in accordance with their wishes but that's just me.)

Personally, I wouldn't have someone else read the letter on my behalf either - it would niggle for years and years and I'd eventually force the content out of the person even if I'd originally said that I didn't want to know it if bad. What would be the point?

It sounds, though, as if you still have unresolved feelings about your mother and that they're very current in your mind. Your call, therefore.

Reading your OP my reaction was to get the letter, keep it, and read it at a later date. But with your further updates, regarding your brother, I wouldn't even do that. If he's read it, and thinks you should, whilst sending you abusive texts and telling you not to come to the funeral, it really sounds like you won't gain anything at all from whatever she might have had to say to you.

I'm so sorry for your loss, and also for the family dynamic you've having to juggle whilst processing it. Take care.

I would have to know.

first, I'd block the brother's number on my phone. Abusive texts are just out of order even if he isn't his normal self because of grief.

OP, do you have a partner who can deal with your brother for you? Or another relative who would step in? I have a feeling that dealing with your brother isn't going to end well, no matter what the letter says.

Are you sure the letter even exists? My mum is fine, but I definitely have a couple of siblings who would invent a letter and then when I went to collect it, say "Oh, sorry, she left a letter for each of us, but not for you" or something equally poisonous.

Assuming there is a letter, I'd agree with all the others who have said to get someone else to read it first. Even if it is pure poison, remembering that it was written especially to hurt you and isn't the actual truth might help, and failing to fall apart because your mother wrote you a mean-spirited letter really robs her of any power over you. You don't have to know the exact words to get the gist of it.
In the end, I think you will know what is right for you. Sometimes there just is no happy ending, but I'm sure you will see a way forward which has the best possible result for you.

Oh Goodness what a hard decision. If you don't read it. You'll always be wondering about the contents of the letter.
However if you do and it's something upsetting. You can't unread it. I wish I knew the right answer.
I know one thing though. You certainly don't have to make any decisions, yet

I just keep thinking what sort of person writes a letter to their daughter to give them once they are gone

Someone who has abused them whilst they were alive and wants to carry it on, stick a final knife in sadly. Im so sorry. Block your brother. As to the letter its up to you, talk to your DH, he knows you better than us here. I personally would have to get it and then work out what to deal with it, you dont need top read it right away.

Please just ignore him. Go to the funeral IF YOU WANT TO, then leave him be.

He's no value to you

Funerals aren't for the dead person they are for the living. If you need to be there to get something out of it for yourself, then go. I'd accept the letter but certainly not read it before the funeral if I chose to go. If you're not going then it doesn't matter when or if you read it. Whatever is right for you. The important thing is that your brother doesn't still have it.