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Original poster

letter from dead parent

72 replies

cuddlemonkey2016 · 13/04/2016 06:20

My mother passed away a few weeks ago and we didn't speak for the last few years of her life.

however I have been informed that she has left me a letter, and I am guessing from the tone of my sibling it's not going to be massively complimentary (I have a feeling he has actually read it!)

Do I read the letter or just bin it? I know it's not going to be an apology but probably a final hurrah and what a bad person I am etc.

OP posts:
ValancyJane · 13/04/2016 08:15

I wouldn't throw it away as I'd always wonder. I would put it in a drawer and open it in a year or whenever I felt strong enough to cope.

RNBrie · 13/04/2016 08:20

My grandmother left me one of these. I couldn't decide what to do with it either. In the end DH read it and it was fine, there were copies of a couple of famous poems about loss and regret and a short note about looking after my mum. My mum was the most upset that she didn't get a letter especially as the bit that mentioned her was quite nice.

In the end, I'd rather have known what was in it than having the unknown hanging over me. But then I'm really quite nosey!

Arfarfanarf · 13/04/2016 08:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BillSykesDog · 13/04/2016 08:28

But the OP doesn't actually know anything. She has a very strong feeling, but she doesn't know.

Incidentally OP, even if it is horrible then it may be worth you having it stashed away somewhere (unread). Should it ever come to the point of a will being contested it might be very useful evidence.

Greengardenpixie · 13/04/2016 08:39

It is all rather awful
Flowers

AlwaysDancing1234 · 13/04/2016 08:42

It's the sort of thing my mother would do, leave a really nasty letter. I think ask someone you trust to read it first to see if the tone is good or not. Mind you, I don't think I'd be able to resist reading it even if I knew it was horrible. What a nightmare for you Flowers

Morgani97 · 13/04/2016 08:43

I agree with ValancyJane put the letter away until you feel strong enough to read it,only you know how you really feel. We all have regrets n I'm that nosy I would have to read it at some point. Let us know the outcome x x

Groovee · 13/04/2016 08:49

Get the letter and put it away until you feel ready. Allow yourself a cry if you need to X

bakeoffcake · 13/04/2016 08:53

I didint speak to my mother for a year before she died. She was an alcoholic and had put up with her awful behaviour for many years before breaking contact.

If she had left me a letter I think I would really want to read it. But I do think you should ask your brother to give you more detail as to its contents.
If it's really nasty I would ask him to burn it.

JugglingFromHereToThere · 13/04/2016 08:54

I agree with that last post, get the letter from your DB and put it away until you feel ready to see what it says. Would probably read with a good friend too when the time felt right, perhaps with them reading it first, but someone with me anyway.
Am sorry for your loss Flowers

Original poster
cuddlemonkey2016 · 13/04/2016 08:58

Thanks for your replies.

Don't get on well with brother at all, he took my mums side when there was a fall out and basically has sent me abusive texts since she died. He had read the letter and said that before I attend the funeral I should read it (he said I am not welcome at funeral)

Sad
OP posts:
redshoeblueshoe · 13/04/2016 09:04

He sounds charming. Get the letter, ask someone you trust to read it, then decide. Does he know he is being contradictory ? You have to read the letter before you go to the funeral, but your not welcome anyway Confused
Flowers

bakeoffcake · 13/04/2016 09:06

Sad do you want to go to the funeral?

Maudd · 13/04/2016 09:07

I'd say throw it away and move on with your life. I wouldn't have to think twice. Whatever's in the letter will stay with you forever if you read it, with no chance of closure because you can't speak to her about it.

Original poster
cuddlemonkey2016 · 13/04/2016 09:08

Not sure. I just keep thinking what sort of person writes a letter to their daughter to give them once they are gone.

It's like a final f-ck you really. (Excuse language)

OP posts:
bakeoffcake · 13/04/2016 09:08

I went to my mothers, but just to the church bit. I left after that.

purplepandas · 13/04/2016 09:08

I am sorry cuddle. I would not read it, this will stay with you.

Lunar1 · 13/04/2016 09:09

Nobody can actually ban someone from a funeral so if you want to go you can. I'd get the letter and read it. You didn't get on, your reasons for NC were valid ones. It's the last bit of power the woman will ever have over you so don't let it fester in a draw.

Read it, then bin it and close that chapter of your life.

Schwabischeweihnachtskanne · 13/04/2016 09:10

I'd read it because I'd always wonder, but its equally fine to burn it unread if it wouldn't play on your mind. If your brother is being unpleasant I would not leave the letter in his care otherwise he may keep on taunting you with it or try to use it to his advantage/ show it to other family members or whatever. I'd collect the letter from him certainly, but don't read it in front of him - once you have it you can put it away to read if you find you are always wondering or to burn unopened in a few moths if you find you are sure you don't want to read it.

If you want to attend the funeral for closure or for any other reason your brother has no power to stop you - funerals are open to anyone, like weddings, they are not invitation only. Go in quietly at the end and sit at the back, your brother is not the funeral police (is he thinking there will be an inheritance of some kind and hoping to keep you away for that reason, esp if there is no will, or trying to play up to other family members and cut you off from aunts/ uncles/ cousins or whoever??)

bakeoffcake · 13/04/2016 09:12

"What sort of person writes a letter to their daughter to give them once they are gone"

cuddle don't try to understand her, you never will. I'm 50 and don't understand lots of cruel, manipulative things my mother did to me and my siblings.

Do you gave anyone you can talk to about her behaviour towards you?

bakeoffcake · 13/04/2016 09:13

*have

pinkcan · 13/04/2016 09:14

I would be wanting to put this issue to bed, once and for all.

Therefore I would get the letter, read it and then bin it. You can't deal with it if you will forever wonder what it contained or if you hide it away, there will be no "ending". The most efficient way to get this finalised is to read and bin.

Gryla · 13/04/2016 09:23

If relations with your brother are so bad I'm not sure I'd trust his take on the letter. I also wouldn't be please he's trying to impose a time frame for dealing with it either.

Though I can't say whether I'd want to read the letter or not in a similar situation - I think trying to get hold of it so you can make decisions in your own time might be a good plan.

MartinaJ · 13/04/2016 09:26

Can you take anyone with you who'd read it first? Your brother sounds like a nasty person alright.

Pupsiecola · 13/04/2016 09:28

I have often thought that this is what my mother may do. We've been estranged for just over a year; my decision, and I don't regret it for a minute. Should have done it years ago. But reading this thread has got me wondering how I would handle it if it does happen.

I think letting a trusted friend read it is a good suggestion. I'd let my DH read it as he is just about the only person who fully knows the story of my messed up childhood, and he absolutely 100% has my back.

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