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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that maybe everything does happen for a reason?

78 replies

Writerwannabe83 · 12/04/2016 23:17

Does anyone think that our lives are planned out for us and that everything happens for a reason?

Have you ever had bad things happen which at the time makes you feel pretty bleak but in hindsight you thought that the event steered your life in a direction it otherwise wouldn't have and therefore it was "supposed to happen"?

Or is life just full of coincidences?

OP posts:

EponasWildDaughter · 13/04/2016 10:01

We look for patterns to help us make sense of a random world where literally anything could happen. We don't have much control over the major stuff in life happening (illness/accident/death etc) and that can be frightening. So we try to find a reason behind it all.

IMO this is similar to religion.

Mousefinkle · 13/04/2016 10:02

Life is a series of coincidences. Humans just like to attach meaning to things where there is none to try and make sense of things. We make our own decisions, we carve the path of our life and reap what we have sowed. There's no higher being that forced us in any direction.

It's like when someone is late for the bus and then that bus gets blown up by terrorists or crashes and most people on it die. The person thinks that was meant to be, something made them late so they wouldn't die. Nah, you just slept in or spilt coffee on yourself and had to change and would have done that regardless.

wigglesrock · 13/04/2016 10:02

No, I don't believe things happen for a reason and I'd probably rather have lots of things which may in the long run be better for me personally, not happen. For example I'm much closer to a relative now than a few years ago due to a very sudden bereavement in the family, but no "good" came from the bereavement - I'd rather have my relative alive and be on only nodding terms than think at least I'm closer to his wife now.

EponasWildDaughter · 13/04/2016 10:09

To really believe in 'destiny' is to ultimately believe that you're 'destined' get to the end of your life in a certain place at a certain time in a certain state surrounded (or not) by certain people, surely?

For what reason would that even be? And with all the millions and zillions of decisions and influences a person goes through in a whole life time is that really likely? Personally i think not.

PirateSmile · 13/04/2016 10:15

Positive things can happen following difficult events. That doesn't mean it was predetermined. I know somebody who had the most catastrophic childhood imaginable but is now a successful adult. A lot of their success could be attributable to the lessons learned when they were a child.

FlipperSkipper · 13/04/2016 10:27

No. Drs misdiagnosing my appendicitis, causing my appendix to burst and leave me Infertile did not happen for a reason. My best friend dying of cancer at 36 leaving behind a 6 month old baby did not happen for a reason.

WhereYouLeftIt · 13/04/2016 11:25

"Have you ever had bad things happen which at the time makes you feel pretty bleak but in hindsight you thought that the event steered your life in a direction it otherwise wouldn't have and therefore it was "supposed to happen"?"
I have had things go wrong, that have 'closed doors' to me. I have then had other doors open for me that I wouldn't have had, had that first door not closed. But no, I do not think it was 'supposed to happen'. Things happen randomly around us all the time, and sometimes we notice them and sometimes we don't. Even when that second door opened - I might not have stepped through.

There is no destiny. Sometimes things go well, sometimes not. Sometimes we are in charge of our life, sometimes we are not.

Feeling that something was 'supposed to happen' is actually a bit of an unhealthy outlook. As if you're not responsible for your own choices, just a pawn on a chessboard.

WhatWouldLeslieKnopeDo · 13/04/2016 11:45

No. Too many horrific things happen. What reason do you think there could be for a child dying? Or people being raped? War? Terrorism? Natural disasters?

TimeOfGlass · 13/04/2016 12:52

No. I think it's something people tell themselves in an attempt to make sense of bad things that have happened to them, maybe as a coping mechanism.
Sometimes positive things happen after bad things, sometimes people react to bad things by doing things that have a positive result - but that doesn't mean the bad thing was "supposed to happen".

There's too many bad things happening to innocent people - illnesses, accidents, violence, natural disasters and so on - for me to believe there's any kind of benevolent higher reason for anything. Mostly just random chance and coincidence.

girlfrommars33 · 13/04/2016 13:05

This really annoys me. No, not everything happens for a reason.
Sometimes shit just happens.

Ladycrazycat · 13/04/2016 13:06

No, I dont. I always tried to find the positive in things but a couple of years back soemthing happened to me that was just so unfair, made no sense at all and left a lasting effect on me and my family, especially my DH. I tried to think 'everything happens for a reason' but I just don't know why this thing happened and can't take anything positive from it at all.

It's been a little over a year since it ended and I've just about come to accept it (I think) and not care what people think of me for it. But the scars are still there and I haven't found any reason for it happening.

Itinerary · 13/04/2016 13:55

No, I don't believe in "everything happens for a reason". Both bad and good things happen to people who definitely don't deserve them. It's a particularl crass thing to say to someone who's having a really hard time, as it belittles what they're going through as there is supposedly a "reason" for it.

MamaTeeTee · 13/04/2016 14:00

No. Not everything happens for a reason. My DH died for no reason at all. My babies are without their daddy for no reason at all. My friends DD died for no reason at all.

IceBeing · 13/04/2016 14:05

I hate this kind of logic - it is so utterly self centred.

So your brother dies when you were younger and this taught you a lot about resilience and seizing the day etc. That's great - but what the fuck was your BROTHER supposed to have learned from the experience.

People who see bad things happening to other people and view them primarily as growth experiences for themselves are utter fuckwits.

FourForYouGlenCoco · 13/04/2016 14:16

No, I don't believe everything happens for a reason, or that our lives are mapped out/predestined or whatever.
As PPs have said, I think it's human nature to look for patterns and meanings in random, chance events, as a coping mechanism.
I do personally think that things tend to work themselves out and are usually OK in the end, one way or another. But I also accept that that's just my personal philosophy and my way of coping with some of the crap life slings. It doesn't mean I think things are better as they are - I wish I hadn't had multiple miscarriages, I wish my best friend hadnt died at 26 - but it's a way of finding the good and the positive in the here and now. It would be impressively self-centred of me to believe that out of all the millions and billions of people in the world, some higher power cared enough to dictate the path of my life. I'm not important, in the big scheme of things. None of us are.

PrudenceTheProcrastinator · 13/04/2016 14:18

If I was that way inclined I could say that my DD2 dying shortly after she was born, 8 weeks early, was meant to happen as otherwise my DTSs, born 10 months later at 38 weeks, would never have existed.

I am not though and know the abnormality that she suffered with (which was not picked up until 29 weeks and was only the 7th case known in this country) was completely random shit and I would not have been bothered about my DTSs existing if they hadn't as I would not have known they would iykwim!

Was my DD1 almost dying from another very rare misdiagnosed illness 3 months later for a reason?

I guess there must have been a reason that my mother horribly mentally and physically abused me throughout my childhood too other than her being mentally ill herself?

I really think a heavenly being would be hard pushed to keep on top of and map out 7 billion people's lives and make things happen to them for a 'reason'. He/she would have all the souls in the afterlife to deal with too.............

Witchend · 13/04/2016 14:32

Can you explain then why I dropped the pen on the floor twice this morning? What's the reason?

Doyouthinktheysaurus · 13/04/2016 14:33

Everything does not happen for a reason, that's claptrap imo, short sighted and insensitive to those who have really suffered in life.

Some people do get fuck loads of shit in life and it's incredibly unfair. Others are more blessed, no rhyme or reason at all as far as I can see.

I had a few shit years, lost a baby, had cancer and was infertile following treatment. It didn't happen for a reason, it just happened and it was fucking shit. Lying awake wondering if I would see my children grow up were the darkest days I've ever had. I was 31! I have learned from the experience but I wish it had never happened and I don't believe it 'happened for a reason'. It happened because of bad luck.

Original poster

Writerwannabe83 · 13/04/2016 16:22

Thank you everyone for our replies, most of them have definitely got me thinking.

I think I'm with the train of thought that sometimes bad things just happen to people and trying to find a positive within it can sometimes just be a coping mechanism. Maybe thinking that something good has come from the negative event can help people cope.

I suppose it's a bit like the "As one door closes another one opens" mentality.

OP posts:

SaggingTits · 13/04/2016 18:27

I know what you mean. I had a miscarriage before my ds and it was awful. However if I hadn't I'd never have my son.

Saying that everything else shit that's ever happened to me hasn't lead to better things

WeeHelena · 13/04/2016 18:32

I don't think life is mapped out for us but I think there are crucial parts of our lives where we make choices that make a big difference to the way life goes.
states the obvious

I look back and know points in my life where it could have gone very different.
We set our paths really other stuff is coincidence.

bialystockandbloom · 13/04/2016 18:36

No, there is no bigger 'plan'. We're basically just animals, muddling through what happens to us. Obviously we have choices, but only things that happen through choice are at all pre-determined, and even then not in the true sense of the word as these events are chosen by you, rather than by some 'higher' authority. The main choice we have is how we deal with things (and even then, often we have no choice about that).

The rest of the stuff that happens to us is just stuff that happens to us. Some people have a disproportionate amount of shit things happening to them, none of which is for a reason. I think it must be one of the worst things for someone e.g. a bereaved parent to be told: that their child died "for a reason".

allegretto · 13/04/2016 18:40

Serious issues aside, I always think of this when this topic comes up!

To think that maybe everything does happen for a reason?

DontOpenDeadInside · 13/04/2016 18:43

My mam moved 6 hours away when DD was 18 months. We visited once, when dd was 3 but usually she'd come up here. In January 2011 we booked a caravan holiday (DD was 7 then) for April for near her. Turns out she was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer 2 weeks before our holiday so the DDS got to see her one last time before she died (2 weeks later)

So not only was it strange that we'd randomly booked to go down there at a time when we needed to (we didn't have a lot of money, so had we not booked she wouldn't have seen the DDS before she died) , but her living away made it a lot easier for me to deal with (she was only 48) than if she was up here and constantly in our life.
I'm thankful that both of those things happened (the holiday and heroving, not her dying)

TimeOfGlass · 13/04/2016 18:47

I think one of the most annoying things about the "everything happens for a reason" line of thought is when people try to cheer other people up by saying this.

Especially when a bad thing has only just happened and someone's still trying to absorb what's happened and get a grip on how they can start dealing with it.

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