to start to feel resentful towards my DP

[MoanMoanMoanMoan]

I've been feeling like this a while and don't even know how to start so bare with me

Me and DP always use to have separate finances which worked for us. He moved in with me and he kept his money I kept mine and paid for everything (I was happy with this) then his contract ended at work and he was out of work, we spoke and decided to join finances I said I could support him as long as he was back in work by a certain date (few months time) but he wasn't barely looked for work wasn't that interested only got a temp job after Christmas when I cried about all the financial stress of it all and sorting presents for my DC and his DC but then he quit after a couple of weeks because he didn't like it. And months later still nothing.

We never have any money which we both hate, he we have a bit left at the end of the month but there's a bill due he'll just rather spend it and forget about the bill which are all in my name I've got debts to pay because of this situation which he doesn't seem bothered about.

I'm feeling resentful of having all the money stress trying to balance everything while he just wants to spend it and then is pissed off if we don't have money to spend and I do everything in the house, the washing the cleaning putting everything away all the shit jobs and I'm just feeling constantly in a mood. I have to balance all of this between working from home having my own DC and running a house. I'm getting to the point of feeling so resentful towards him but I don't know the best way to bring it up without it all exploding into a massive argument

I should add he does have so many good traits and this is the only problem in our relationship

Anything, food stuff for any of the DC, something for me or himself or some nibbles for the evening just anything really

I think the job sounds like its the biggest issue. Sounds like he's comfortable not working, which is fine if he's doing all the other stuff but as he's not I'm not surprised the resentment is building.
What is he doing all day? Are the kids pre-school age so he's providing childcare during the day? Or is he doing school runs/occupying them after school etc.
If he was pulling his weight round the house whilst you were working then could you cope on one salary if he was more sensible with money or do you need two? I think that's the crunch as it changes your approach.
If you need him to get a job then I think all you can do is show him in black and white where your money is going and that it simply isn't enough.

If you can cope on one salary with some savings then you still need to sit him down and show him money in black and white, and ask him where he's make savings (sky for a start!). Ask him what he wants to do (does he want to be a househusband and not want to work?) and explain if you are doing x hours of work (paid or house) then he needs to be doing the same.

If he doesn't react well to you talking to him, then you'll need to get all controlling with money (cancel sky, shift your income to a separate account or cancel his access to your current one).

Tell him to sign on? I think you have gone over and above your responsibilities and him leaving his job is just ridiculous- work isn't a choice is a bloody necessity!

He doesn't think that way though because you are supplementing him.

Make sure he helps you pay your debts off that have accumulated thanks to him.

I'm a little torn on this one - on other threads about sahp and money it never ends well if the sahp states somewhere they have little access to money - the person who has all the money and is controlling it is called abusive.

I get he isn't a sahp in the true sense of the word but he is doing some of that role.

I think I would give him x amount of time to find a job or tell him he's out as you cannot afford to keep him or his DC - there are jobs about if you want them and are prepared to do whatever it takes to get by until you get to a better place. I believe It's also easier to get another job if you have a job. It's not fair that he has given up a job because he didn't like it - I'm sure no one really likes going to work but everyone does it through necessity.

In the meantime I think you need to tell him you will not keep doing all the tasks around the house and that he needs to stop spending money on little things like nibbles - by spending money on things like nibbles he is showing he hasn't accepted how dire things have got money wise.

Racking up more and more debt is not sustainable, there will come a time when you can't borrow any more money - what then? How is your debt going to be paid off as it stands?

No need to have a shouting and screaming match, just lay your cards on the table and tell him what you think is acceptable - if he disagrees with it walk away.

Well we all to got that conclusion from your OP.
No-one is saying have a screaming match with him.
Can you talk to him calmly?
Will he step up if you do?
Have you had a chat with him before about all of this?
If so what was the outcome?

I'm glad he does help out with the kids.
But what is your next step?
How long will you let all this carry on for?

While I agree that the job is a major issue, I can see that it might not just be so easy to get one right away.

What he could do right meanwhile, straightaway in fact, is to make your life easier by getting stuff done round the house and moderating his spending so you do not get into debt.

Instead, i read that he started with good intentions but has allowed the work (housework and outside the house work ) slip, letting you pick up the slack. Having noticed this, I'd have a serious conversation, once, about how things are going to be from here, with a timescale. If he doesn't step up, I'd regard him as a luxury you can no longer afford. All the best.

From your second post - is he the sahp? How old and how many dc do you have? Is he looking after them whilst you're working?

I think that you need to sit down and look at hard numbers, incl the fact you are getting in debt etc... Because he is not working and therefore there is less money going round. It's all well and good to moan about lack of money but then you need to get up and go and earn some instead (not waiting for your partner to magically produce some). IMO, it also has the advantage to be completely unemotional (just numbers) so can be easier to start a conversation about your work/finances/HW arrangements.
This will help you too to decide if it is possible for him to be a SAHP and whether you and he will feel good about it. No point looking at the work division in the house and access to money as if he was a SAHP if neither of you want to go down that route (eg because there won't be enough money to go round to afford a few 'luxuries' or because it's impossible for all of you to live just on your wage)

Then you can have a chat about how much each of you are doing re HW etc...

In a relationship where only one person works, it is OK to divide the work that needs doing according to what your strengths are (eg him and the children), the issue is that you don't want it to be imbalanced and you ending up doing all the not so rewarding tasks whilst he just does what he enjoys doing. Plus of course there is just the total amount of work (I'm coming from the idea that, out of working hours, HW & childcare should be split 50/50)

I also get that it might take him some time to actually get a job BUT then it is even more important to have a look at budget and what you can and can't afford.

And YY for him to take on the SAHP role whilst he is looking for a job (I've more HW done etc...)

If he's not working he can't be supporting his own DC. He isn't helping you either. I don't get why you are with this scrounger. You are doing a dis-service to yourself and your child. You are enabling him - for what? You had better wake up before its too late and you find yourself in heavy debt and blacklisted and also losing your home. All for the sake of a man.