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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to start to feel resentful towards my DP

61 replies

MoanMoanMoanMoan · 12/04/2016 07:46

I've been feeling like this a while and don't even know how to start so bare with me

Me and DP always use to have separate finances which worked for us. He moved in with me and he kept his money I kept mine and paid for everything (I was happy with this) then his contract ended at work and he was out of work, we spoke and decided to join finances I said I could support him as long as he was back in work by a certain date (few months time) but he wasn't barely looked for work wasn't that interested only got a temp job after Christmas when I cried about all the financial stress of it all and sorting presents for my DC and his DC but then he quit after a couple of weeks because he didn't like it. And months later still nothing.

We never have any money which we both hate, he we have a bit left at the end of the month but there's a bill due he'll just rather spend it and forget about the bill which are all in my name I've got debts to pay because of this situation which he doesn't seem bothered about.

I'm feeling resentful of having all the money stress trying to balance everything while he just wants to spend it and then is pissed off if we don't have money to spend and I do everything in the house, the washing the cleaning putting everything away all the shit jobs and I'm just feeling constantly in a mood. I have to balance all of this between working from home having my own DC and running a house. I'm getting to the point of feeling so resentful towards him but I don't know the best way to bring it up without it all exploding into a massive argument

I should add he does have so many good traits and this is the only problem in our relationship

OP posts:
TheCrimsonPleb · 12/04/2016 09:30

he did the housework ...

MartinaJ · 12/04/2016 09:32

So he's spending all your money, doesn't have a job and doesn't want to find one, doesn't do anything around the house. What redeeming qualities does he have once again? The only one that comes into my mind is he must be good in bed because otherwise he sounds like a human leech.

Snoopydo · 12/04/2016 09:35

You must be absolutely mad.

foreverandalways · 12/04/2016 09:37

Get him out of your home and your life....he's not supporting or caring for you X

IdealWeather · 12/04/2016 09:48

What is he doing when he is at home, part from not looking for a job, which he said he would?
Is he taking on all the HW? Is he looking after the dcs after school/during the hols?

IF this was manageable on the financial level, he could well become a Stay At Home Husband. But this HAS to be agreed between you, not imposed on you.

Can I ask too why you had been paying for everything before and what he was doing with his own money (he must have had LOADS left at the end of the month)?

NeedACleverNN · 12/04/2016 09:53

When me and dh first got together he lost his job and I had to support him. He sold most of his possessions to try and help us get by.

He found a job a few weeks later and despite hating it and wishing he could quit he didn't because he didn't want to sponge off me any longer. This was before we even had children.

You partner is not a dear. He is being an arse.

Make him start to contribute or kick him out

AyeAmarok · 12/04/2016 10:22

He sounds like he contributes absolutely nothing positive to your life whatsoever Sad

You'd be better without this deadweight round your neck. You deserve better than this, you really do.

IdealWeather · 12/04/2016 10:52

I always find it interesting to see the difference in answer when a man is at home all day long and a woman is at home all day long (assuming the children are all school age).
A woman would have been assumed to be a SAHP and people would have said it was well within her rights to do so....
A man is assumed to be at work and to just be lazy if he isn't doing all things possible to be working.

Pollyputhtekettleon · 12/04/2016 11:04

Ideal the OP said he does nothing in the house or with the kids.

Pollyputhtekettleon · 12/04/2016 11:04

But your point holds true in other instances.

ExtraBlessings · 12/04/2016 11:11

It doesn't matter what gender everyone is. A relationship is a team, both parties should contribute lots of effort (whether earning the money or cooking the dinner or looking after the kids) and everyone should be able to share the treats (downtime/spending money if there is any). The trick (and i don't purport to have nailed this) is to discuss as adults and equals and get an arrangement where everyone is happy .

Sorry you are getting a raw deal OP. Can you talk to your DP about how he plans to up his contribution?

MartinaJ · 12/04/2016 11:18

Ideal, if DH were working 70 hours a week and I were sitting at home, doing absolutely nothing, not even taking care of kids and going through essentially his money, he'd be right to be totally resentful too. Nothing to do with male/female roles.

NickiFury · 12/04/2016 11:20

What the f*ck are you getting out of this relationship right now? He's bringing nothing to the table except the presence of his company presumably. You're worse off in every way in this relationship and you're taking your children along for the ride. I'd give him ONE month to get a job, any job. At the end of that he's out the door.

newname99 · 12/04/2016 11:22

How long have you been together? If this is a 10 year relationship and the 1st blip it's working rtg discussing it and you shouldn't be afraid to raise the issues.Resentment kills feelings so it has t be discussed and you are not unreasonable.

If however this is a 'couple of years' relationship then I think it could be he has got comfy and I suspect it's unlikely to get better

Losing a job is hard but when I'm not earning much I cut back drastically so it's about attitude.There is nothing less attractive than you being 'mum' to him and he must know this.

OohMavis · 12/04/2016 11:24

So when he'd lost his job and had zero income, that was when he thought it would be best to combine finances? Funny that.

So you work, you earn all your 'joint finances', you do absolutely everything around the house, you pay for his children and he does... what?

What exactly are these good points of which you speak?

OohMavis · 12/04/2016 11:26

Has he taken on the role of a SAHP? Is he saving you in childcare costs?

hellsbellsmelons · 12/04/2016 11:27

Jeez..... the shite some women are prepared to put up with just to keep 'her man' is absolutely beyond me at times.
Pick you self esteem and dignity up off of the floor.
Kick out this cocklodging, lazy arsed, wanker right now.

Why are you letting your children suffer whilst supporting this poor excuse of a human being? (when I say suffer, I mean financially and with a stressed mum)
Fuck that!

He doesn't even do any housework.
He is of no use to you what-so-ever. Unless he does have a gold plated cock with diamond studded balls and if that is the case then chop them off and keep them before you kick his arse to the curb!
You really need to get rid of this waste of space.

Capricorn76 · 12/04/2016 11:31

Surely nobody can be this desperate for a man?

whois · 12/04/2016 11:45

+1 hellsbellsmelons

pinkyredrose · 12/04/2016 11:49

OP are you that desperate for a man that you'll put up with being totally walked all over? Think about the relationship model your children are witnessing, would you want them to live like this?

LindyHemming · 12/04/2016 12:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MartinaJ · 12/04/2016 12:16

I used to have a colleague who was so desperate for a man she'd be willing to crawl in front of them, wiping the ground so they don't step on dirt. She lost her virginity to a much older married colleague of ours (I was a teacher at the time) who I wouldn't touch with a barge pole but she didn't care. She was willing for him to leave his wife but even he could recognize desperation when he saw one and stuck to the old but familiar.
Hope the OP isn't one of those women. OP, you don't need a man who gives a damn about you. So far, you haven't mentioned any of the good points he's supposed to have.

Original poster
MoanMoanMoanMoan · 12/04/2016 20:21

Sorry just catching up on the thread it's been a hectic day and haven't had a chance. First of all I wanted to start with all this rubbish about me being so desperate to keep a man? How the hell can you jump to that conclusion from my OP? Have I said I'm willing to sit back and let this happen? No I haven't and if I was then I wouldn't have started this thread would I. But nice support there just what people post for

To answer some other questions...

OP posts:
Original poster
MoanMoanMoanMoan · 12/04/2016 20:28

To answer some questions, he does have good points this is obviously a major thing that needs to change or the relationship will end quickly. I've never once said he does nothing with the kids that's one thing he is brilliant with them and I can't complain how much he helps and is involved with my DC and his own.

The reason why it's got this bad is that's it's just happened so gradually it's just like a smack in the face and now suddenly everything's built up and I'm ready to blow. At first there was help with the housework, the cooking and cleaning and slowly dwindled off, he understood if the money wasn't there to do stuff but then started getting annoyed at having no money and not being able to do stuff and it's slowly got to the point where I've realised actually WTF is going on, I do work, house work cooking cleaning for everyone and that this isn't working anymore and that's why I've posted on here for advice on how best to handle it. I don't want a screaming argument that's not good for anyone I want to talk like adults and see if things will change and if they don't then get the black bags out and start packing

OP posts:
NeedACleverNN · 12/04/2016 20:32

What does he actually spend his money on?

You said he will spend it even if you have a bill looming you've forgotten about.