To not leave mil alone with dc again?

[m0therofdragons]

For background, mil does drive me potty and has done some odd things in the past. She's one of life's pessimists and feels the world is against her although looking in her life's not bad. She's also very anxious re driving and falls out with friends very easily - dh and I struggle to believe all her friends are evil. Last summer she quit her job due to stress (they made changes she didn't like and she doesn't cope well with change.) Gp prescribed pills for depression but she won't take them as she isn't depressed it's everyone else around her who are in the wrong.

Anyway, when we've seen her she's been much happier since quitting but fil is very stressed as they can't afford for her to quit and she's refusing to claim benefits as they'll want her to look for work and she has no intention of doing so. Their relationship is strained and she refuses to talk to him about money.

Last week dh took the dc to visit without me as I was working (we live a fair distance away). Fil wanted spend time with dh (needed to vent) so they went out one morning leaving mil with dc. They expected mil to meet them but there was no sign and she wasn't answering her mobile. They got home to find mil had gone out with dc and her mobile was on the table. No big deal except fil's reaction. Fil confided that mil hadn't left the house on her own for 3 months and he ended up running round the streets looking for her in a panic. Dh was really worried as clearly fil felt dc might not be safe. Turned out they were completely fine and mil had taken them somewhere nearby.

Fil refuses to speak about it and clearly mil didn't do anything wrong and dc were fine but I now feel that if fil thought she may harm my dc I just cannot risk it. Mil loves her gc but if her mental health is questionable I'm not sure that's enough.

More a wwyd rather than aibu.

I'm more disturbed by FIL's behaviour tbh. I don't see what the mobile phone has to do with anything. My mum never takes hers anywhere and she's a perfectly fit gm.

I wouldn't leave them there unaccompanied with either until I worked out what was going on.

I think your FIL is being evasive.

He thought it was OK to leave the children in the house with your MIL but only panicked when she had taken them out. Then he claims she's alternately crying and plate smashing. But he thinks she's fit for work. This isn't quite adding up.

I think your H needs to get to the bottom of what is going on and if she really is in that bad a place, ensure she gets some proper support and treatment.

My Dad used to tell everyone my mum's mental state was bad and she couldn't be trusted with us. He also used to make a song and dance if she popped out without telling him.

He was controlling and EA. Just saying.

The politically correct thing to do here is to stop assuming that mental health problems equate to your MIL being at risk of hurting herself and your children. She was a depressed granny that found the strength to take the kids out and forgot her phone at home,

BUT...

None of us can assess the danger and neither could you as we only know part of the story (tip of the iceberg?). The only person who is close enough to witness how badly she is doing,her behaviour and hearing what she says in private does think the children is unsafe on their own with her... Well, for me that is clear, FIL knows the situation better AND he doesn't trust her. Would I leave my children alone with her? Not a fucking chance. Sorry.

Well, for me that is clear, FIL knows the situation better AND he doesn't trust her. Would I leave my children alone with her? Not a fucking chance. Sorry.

but he did trust her to be alone and arranged to meet her outside of the house.

I don't think you should leave your DCs with FIl or MIL until they agree to speak to you openly and honestly about whatever is going on. And to get both sides of the story.

Your children are precious, never leave them with anyone you aren't 100% happy with. Mainly it wouldn't do your own stress levels any good.

Fil isn't especially controlling.if anything he enables her behaviour by avoiding conversations because she might get upset.
He was ranting to dh about the fact mil refuses to work, refused to ever pay into a pension and refuses to discuss money telling him to sort it. He was also ranting that mil isn't going out and just stays home on fb. Mostly it's about money worries.
Mil is 56 and we've never seen signs of dementia.
Fil completely played it down after saying he was just worried dc would be hungry as it was lunch time - which made no sense but fil brushed off any attempts to delve further.
We're all visiting them in a few weeks so I'll be able to see a bit for myself.

So she won't leave the house, won't work and he was happy to leave your kids with her, so he could rant about it all to dh.

He arranged to meet her outside the house then got worried he left the house.

Personally I think fil is as much a problem (if not more than mil). His wife is clearly struggling and he put his needs to rant to your dh above your kids.

I think it's awful that his wife is struggling and instead of helping he is using his son to rant at. Especially when he doesn't trust her with the kids.

Personally I wouldn't be leaving my kids with either of them until I got to the bottom of this.

Something doesn't add up.

I'm wondering if she'd been recently out alone and got lost or disoriented and that's why fil panicked but once dc and mil found safe downplayed so as not to worry son?

I wouldn't risk with such small children (and I speak as someone who is mentally ill and a single mum). Partly you never take chances with small children partly it sounds like at the moment even a simple accident would panic her (and kids of this age are accident prone) partly as it's pressure for mil.

She needs to engage with medical help, so sons and fil need to keep talking to her about that.

As she's ILL she would not be expected to look for work if she claimed benefits and it would ease pil finances.

On your last post, it sounds like your FIL is angry with her rather than worried.

If she won't leave the house, how was she supposed to meet them? How is she supposed to get a job?

What actual evidence do you have that she's mentally ill other than your FIL's account - which doesn't make much sense?

She's not officially ill as she refuses to open up to gp.
Fil is angry. He now can't retire and has to work an extra 2 years because mil didn't like her job. He doesn't like his job either as they relocated him so he commutes 4 hours a day. I would be annoyed if I was him. Basically mil said she'd handed her notice in as work was too stressful giving fil no option but to go along with it. I think he's tried to be supportive but mil makes it hard. I do think they're both responsible for the current situation and I am not convinced mil has overwhelming mental health issues. I think a lot would be resolved if they talked to each other. It's hard to know entirely who's to blame.
Mil has fallen out with all her friends so is completely isolated. I think fil is frustrated - he's the one with ridiculous work hours and a stressful job and he's the one who watched his dm die yet mil wants all the sympathy. She didn't even go with him to the hospital when his mum was taken in critical. I just can't get my head round that - dh would be there no question for me!

She sounds ill to me. A previous poster suggested early dementia and I certainly think that's worth looking into. When my dad was in early stage dementia, my mum was furious with him for all his odd and difficult behaviours. She tried to hide the extent of it from us but at the same time complained about him with real anger. He also refused to see GP and had rows with people he had previously got on well with.

The Alzheimers Society has a brilliant website and support forum.