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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not leave mil alone with dc again?

63 replies

m0therofdragons · 11/04/2016 17:53

For background, mil does drive me potty and has done some odd things in the past. She's one of life's pessimists and feels the world is against her although looking in her life's not bad. She's also very anxious re driving and falls out with friends very easily - dh and I struggle to believe all her friends are evil. Last summer she quit her job due to stress (they made changes she didn't like and she doesn't cope well with change.) Gp prescribed pills for depression but she won't take them as she isn't depressed it's everyone else around her who are in the wrong.

Anyway, when we've seen her she's been much happier since quitting but fil is very stressed as they can't afford for her to quit and she's refusing to claim benefits as they'll want her to look for work and she has no intention of doing so. Their relationship is strained and she refuses to talk to him about money.

Last week dh took the dc to visit without me as I was working (we live a fair distance away). Fil wanted spend time with dh (needed to vent) so they went out one morning leaving mil with dc. They expected mil to meet them but there was no sign and she wasn't answering her mobile. They got home to find mil had gone out with dc and her mobile was on the table. No big deal except fil's reaction. Fil confided that mil hadn't left the house on her own for 3 months and he ended up running round the streets looking for her in a panic. Dh was really worried as clearly fil felt dc might not be safe. Turned out they were completely fine and mil had taken them somewhere nearby.

Fil refuses to speak about it and clearly mil didn't do anything wrong and dc were fine but I now feel that if fil thought she may harm my dc I just cannot risk it. Mil loves her gc but if her mental health is questionable I'm not sure that's enough.

More a wwyd rather than aibu.

OP posts:

angielou123 · 11/04/2016 19:10

You can't be too careful when it's your kids. If fil is worried then I would be too. It's a sad situation but you must put the safety of the kids before everything else, but you already know this. Extreme things do happen.

SaucyJack · 11/04/2016 19:16

I think the worst case scenario is exceedingly unlikely, but I do think if she doesn't normally leave the house due to anxiety and depression then there's actually quite a strong possibility of her over stretching her current capabilities by taking three small children out alone- which could well lead to a distressing public incident for all concerned. So YANBU.

Divathecat · 11/04/2016 19:19

I think you are right to trust your FIL's reactions and to quietly make sure that she isn't alone with DC.

Sounds to me like she is suffering from depression and anxiety but the having the DC's around helped. Maybe plan some nice weekends at theirs to give your FIL a break?

TendonQueen · 11/04/2016 19:26

Sorry but I too am finding something odd in this story from your FIL. Why has he not mentioned this before, and certainly before she had the kids? Can anyone else back up his account of it all?

wombattoo · 11/04/2016 19:27

I have the same question as pp. If she hasn't been out for 3 months, why were they expecting her to meet them, and then so startled that she had gone out?

Ujjayi · 11/04/2016 19:30

I can completely understand your concern OP & I think you are right to be vigilant. However, I wonder if your MIL found your DC a helpful distraction thus allowing her to cope with being outside? Sufferers of anxiety often have a running dialogue in their head which consumes them & prevents them from venturing out or enjoying it when they do. I have GAD & having my children with me helps normalise & distract. The fact that she was able to take that step could actually be interpreted as very positive.

Also when we go through periods of being unable to leave the house, those around us can be (understandably) wobbly about us seemingly having just disappeared. In all honesty, that serves to infantalise & take away what little sense of self control we have. By all means put agreements in place (ie gently encourage MIL to keep her phone with her & let you know where she is) but don't begin taking away what little sense of independence she may have because just finding that inner strength can be an insurmountable battle some days.

I wish you & your family well OP & agree that gentle support towards getting help (as opposed to FIL perhaps getting frustrated with her not taking tablets) would be the way to go.

Blu · 11/04/2016 19:32

I am reading this as the reason for FIL's reaction was that leaving the house was COMPLETELY unexpected because she had not left the house for 3 months. In addition to which she was not answering her phone and was not where she was expected to be to meet them.

He was anxious, but in the end, needlessly so.

I wouldn't want my kids with someone who was crying and throwing plates.

I think I would just manage arrangements so that MIL does not have sole charge.

curren · 11/04/2016 19:52

I don't get it. Why did fil suggest leaving them with her? If he is so concerned about her. Just so he can vent at dh?

Why did he arrange to meet her and the kids, if she hasn't left the house for 3 months, the react so badly when she had left the house?

I think I would be more annoyed at fil.

Becca1818 · 11/04/2016 20:15

I would not be leaving my children with her alone again.

Fil's reaction said it all.

0dfod · 11/04/2016 20:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Swirlingasong · 11/04/2016 20:42

I wouldn't leave my children with anyone I didn't totally trust to keep them safe. It is hard when it's family (I know from experience) but it sounds like your dh is on side and that your FiL will be too. In our case there has been no overt 'it's not happening' just gentle management to ensure it doesn't.

I think your FiL's reaction was probably quite extreme because he realised that he had been stupid and put his need to rant before the safety of his grandchildren.

If you dh knew nothing before he visited I think he probably needs to go back and stay with them on his own so that he can talk properly to them both and give both of them the help they need.

ollieplimsoles · 11/04/2016 21:34

My mil does not and will never have dd on her own because of her mental state and the things she does without warning.

Yanbu, if you don't trust her 100%, do not leave the kids with her

Original poster

m0therofdragons · 11/04/2016 23:25

I asked the exact same question re why fil thought it was fine to leave them with her if he felt like this. Dh said he'd also put that to fil.
Re getting her help - if it were my mum we would be having proper conversations and I'd be calling regularly. Dh says he's worried and plans to talk to bil who lives much closer but has yet to do so and tonight said he'd meant to but forgot. It's bizarre to me but I wasn't there and as dil can't get too involved.
Could also be fil trying to manipulate things so we move closer.

OP posts:

luciole15 · 11/04/2016 23:46

I agree with tendon and others who question FILs stories. They don't add up. FIL is exaggerating by sounds of it and stressed due ro money worries. Mil cheered up by time away from moaney husband and enjoyed carefree ti.e with GKs.

She probably could do with seeing them more. You can keep supervision of MIL low key unto you have clearer pic.

Ciggaretteandsmirnoff · 11/04/2016 23:49

Well he was more than worried about something.

No, I wouldn't leave them alone with her

Vixyboo · 12/04/2016 00:21

Fil's reaction may be more about problems between them than her mh?

That said, look after your dc. If I doubted someone's ability at all to care for my lovely ds I would not leave him with them. He is my baby and so precious xx

leopardgecko · 12/04/2016 00:55

If I were worried about my spouses mental state I would not have gone out and left them alone withthe grandchildren. It makes no sense that your FIL happily left her with the children and only begn to panic when he realised they had gone out. In my opinion the one who is behaving strangely here is your FIL and not your MIL.

EveryoneElsie · 12/04/2016 01:35

Don't risk it.

If your FIL was controlling his reaction would have been one of anger, not panic.
It was unreasonable for her to take them out without discussing it first or taking the phone, or sending a text.

Isetan · 12/04/2016 02:56

What a strange family dynamic. Your H is concerned about his mother's MH enough to not let her have unsupervised contact with his children but not enough to intervene/ offer support.

It's difficult to assess if your FIL overreacted because the communication is poor in your H's family but it sounds like your FIL is having his own MH issues. Given what happened to your friend, I totally understand your caution but your H needs to understand than banning unsupervised contact doesn't solve the issue and the family default of shutting down, exacerbates the problem rather than improves it.

GreatFuckability · 12/04/2016 03:33

they all sounds weird and uncommunicative. I'd not be wanting to leave my kids with any of them!

curren · 12/04/2016 03:40

I asked the exact same question re why fil thought it was fine to leave them with her if he felt like this. Dh said he'd also put that to fil.

and fil said?

notonyurjellybellynelly · 12/04/2016 04:23

Op, you haven't told us what your FIL's replies were to your husband.

Your DH forgot to speak to his brother about their mum?

You can't get too involved because you're a DIL?

And your FIL hadn't told his sons their mum hadn't been out of the house for three months?

Does anyone actually care?

Newmanwannabe · 12/04/2016 04:31

I wonder if MIL is in early stages of dementia, and that was why FIL was worried about her being out?

weirdsister · 12/04/2016 05:36

If FIL was that worried why would he leave her in the house with the children? Something doesn't add up.
how does everyone know so much about her medical health regarding antidepressants etc?

weirdsister · 12/04/2016 05:41

What was FIL ranting about to dh?

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