To be so angry at 'DH''s timing

[Mytummyisnotatrampoline]

I don't think I am. In fact, I think the fact that I haven't exploded shows incredible restraint.

Essentially, I've been doing our house up to sell to buy somewhere bigger. This has been ongoing for about 8 months as I've had to fit repairs/fittings/painting etc. around work and DS who is just a toddler.

I'm sick of living in a top floor flat. We need more room and I feel extraordinarily guilty at the amount of noise we make. DS is loud and prone to stamping/running (what toddler isn't). We bought this home before he arrived and it would have been fine for just the two of us. Now DS is older, we 're bursting at the seams. I also want to move to be closer to my mum and to have access to a better catchment. I know we're a good few years away from school being an issue, but I want to get him settled with kids who he'll be going to school with.

I've taken the lead with everything as DH has never been the most proactive. Fixed/replaced things that needed done, done a shit load of painting myself. We had a mortgage appointment (which I organised) today and got an agreement in principle for a larger sum. It won't buy a dream house, but it'll get is something decent with a garden.

So he leAves it until 5 minutes AFTER the appointment to say he doesn't want to move. We can't afford the type of house "he" wants (no work needing done, big rooms, big garden etc.) and he can't manage the increase in monthly payments. We're not talking a lot more-150-200 a month-but he's usually skint at the end of the month.

Nevermind that he insisted on an expensive car, expensive gym membership and sodding sky (which we never watch). Never mind that we wouldn't pay so much in council tax and wouldn't have factors fees to contend with. I have enough in savings to cover cost of solicitors/agents. Yes, it would be tight for a year (when we'd get a raise and have help with nursery fees) but I feel the benefits far outweigh the sacrifices.

I'm just so angry and disappointed. The flat we live in is lovely and the area is nice but I'm sick to death of having to be out the house at ridiculous o'clock in the morning so as not to disturb the neighbours (they don't ask for this but he is so noisy). I am so angry that he's let me replace things that needed replaced with "ok" models-things I wouldn't have chosen had they been for us and not a new buyer. I'm angry that I've wasted weeks of my time on this when I could have been spending time with DS. I've also spent money we could have used for a really nice summer holiday.

I'm not belittling his money worries. I understand that it's tight but I would happily contribute more (I earn less but am much better at saving) but apparently that makes him feel bad and he doesn't want to do it.

We're on cometely different pages regarding our future and our priorities are so different. I don't think my anger is misplaced but apparently I'm totally overreacting,

I've name-changed because he knows I'm a regular poster.

I'd sit down and list the things you think are unnecessary expenditure and see if you'd be able to make ends meet.

Also, there's no need for expensive gyms. The council one near me is far nicer than most of the private ones. It may have less snob value, but hey! You're talking about a much nicer home.

Poor you.
Dh tried this, he stalled, and then said no. So in my frustration I said I'm moving with or without you he's too chicken to go it alone so he pulled his socks up and got on with it. His renovations took another year and then it sold in a day. Must admit the house looked gorgeous when he was done.
Take him to see a few houses, some done and some needing the work. Some smaller that would do for a few years and other long term. Visit it all in person he'll soon get excited about it.
Turn off the sky and cancel the gym wasted money if their aren't used.

The flat has to be sold one way or another, as it's not suitable for a child apparently.

Can you arrange it so that he basically lives your life for a couple of weeks? If he found out the reality might it change his mind?

He is a twat OP, totally with you on that.

He needs to stop being so damn selfish.

The Sky, gym membership and nice car at the expense of his wife and child? Pure selfishness, nothing else.

I think id be pushing for it and listing all the ways you can afford the extra £200pm. Cut sky etc.
Tell him you're not willing to bring up ds or any other child in an apartment, that they need a little outdoor space and more room.
Tell him he CAN afford it with cutbacks, he just doesn't want to.
And that that makes him very selfish and putting his wants above your son.
Then I'd sulk like hell til he saw sense

I'm sick to death of having to be out the house at ridiculous o'clock in the morning so as not to disturb the neighbours

You will no longer be doing this if he won't move. You will be having a lie in while he does this every time. He needs to be made to feel the discomfort that you normally do due to not moving

YANBU and I would go ballistic at him. Why is him having SKY more important than your child having space.
I'd point out everyday how unhappy you are. If he asks you how your day was tell him it was shit as you had to be out the house all the day because the flat is too small because he is a selfish father.
I always drive things forward in my marriage but I always make my plans really expensive, he moans then we compromise but at least we move forward. Sympathies

I agree about having him much more involved in the day to day care of his ds.
And for him to deal with neighbourgs if there is any issue with noise.

I would also look at putting abudget together again. The issue you have here is that he wants to keep his little budget for luxuries and doesn't want to mkae an effort to buy something nigger that wouod benefot everyone.
Part of it is an issue with his involvement with his dc on a day to day basis. The other is about sharing a common goal re where to live etc....
Another thing is about starting to talk about OUR money rather than YOURS and HIS. Whatever you want to do in the future that will stretch you a bit financially (and there will be some, not just buying a bigger house), there is no way you can acheive it that way, with him wanting to keep all HIS luxuries and you trying to save as much money as possible. At some point, you are going to end up financing him, even if he finds that 'shaming'

Could you (or rather he) cut back and save some more for a couple of years then get a place you're both happy with?

Could you (or rather he) cut back and save some more for a couple of years then get a place you're both happy with?

But then the OP is on the same shit situation of her child growing up in a top floor flat when he doesn't need to! They can afford a house with a garden, just not one the DP wants!

Sounds to me like his ego is bruised. Not your fault at all, but he is taking things badly.

He is living in cloud cuckoo land if he thinks he will get a mansion when he is arguing you can't afford a modest increase in mortgage. Totally sympathise with your position - essentially he is too lazy to put in the leg work to have a home you can all be happy in.

It's not necessary for him because he's not at home with DS as much

and that's why he doesn't feel/understand the 'need' to move. Maybe it's cold feet.....but in my opinion i think it's a little bit of cold feet and the rest is about the impact on his lifestyle.

Currently, he has a pretty good lifestyle...expensive car, expensive gym, a house that's run by someone else, his needs taken care of by someone else, his child taken care of by someone else....like you said he doesn't have to deal with the actual REALITY of day to day life, he just gets to enjoy all the good bits. the only downside for him is that it's his wages paying for it. however, they are also your wages because you also contribute a hell of a lot. Now....his home has also been decorated to a very good standard - by someone else and he didn't have to lift a finger. So far life has been going along just fine for him. He's not the one spending his days cramped inside, or having to adjust his routine/tasks in any way that has a knock-on effect on his day to day life. he might have doubts about moving, but why not say anything at ANY point??. Why wait until you'd been through all the trouble, hassle and sacrifice on your own before telling you at the last minute?

if it happened to me i'd be absolutely furious AND i'd be letting him know about it. why shouldn't he know exactly how you feel? This isn't just about one thing or just a case of cold feet. your life seems to only function properly if YOU take care of everything - and now he's deciding to veto the move AFTER you've done 90% of the work on your own....and all because of an extra £200 a month?!

How much would you save if he got a cheaper car, a cheaper gym, got rid of sky, went without regular treats etc until you got yourselves sorted? broadband unlimited deals are way better, you can download everything, stream almost everything and watch all the shite there is do you have an expensive gym membership/regular time to spend on your hobbies, have constant use of the car seeing as you have more daily travel in a way having to do household errands on to of toddler stuff? If you haven't then you're already sacrificing those things to afford the life you've chosen. Tough but he has to do the same if it's in the best interests of the family.

i get the feeling he just doesn't want his personal lifestyle affected. downsize his treats - shock horror! Just because he doesn't have to deal with the short end of the stick does not mean he gets to dictate what kind of lifestyle you live.
If you need the extra room this move will give you and it's best for you and your dc - then go ahead and do it. you've had to take care of everything else - why not just finish the job?

Are your neighbours always in during the day? You sound exceptionally considerate in taking the toddler out all day. I wouldn't. If other people can't tolerate any noise, they shouldn't live in a flat. That said, I suppose you don't want to cause a falling out that you'd have to declare if you sell.

Anyway, he is being very unreasonable and not only over the timing. It's really not fair of him to veto what was a joint plan. What could you afford on your own with child maintenance?

I don't want to paint him as a materialistic prick-he would, of course, sacrifice everything for dS as he loves him to bits, but its because he finds the move unnecessary that he's unwilling.

Neighbours are lovely and VERY understanding but I don't want to make their lives total misery. DS is in nursery half of the week while I work but I'm coming to the end of my contract so he's going to be home with me for 8 weeks until the next one starts again. I feel sick at the thought of ruining their lives for 8 weeks, especially as one of the neighbours is unwell at present.

We "discussed" it last night and are no further forwards. I told him that I felt used and that there was a time and place for airing reservations, but that has passed. I can't go ahead without him as its 50% his mortgage. I can't leave with dS as he loves his dad so much. The thought of him not getting to see his daddy everyday is an awful one.

OP is your DH seriously saying that he doesn't want to move because he doesn't want to make any financial "sacrifices" e.g. Sky TV, cheaper gym?

Because I am baffled by that. Did you say to him about how even a small house could go out of your reach if you wait?

The move isn't "unnecessary". I have a friend with a 4 year old in a small flat as well and I am baffled by it - they can well afford to move to a bigger place - but she and her partner are at least in agreement that it's better for them to stay where they are.

There's an argument that's it's "unnecessary" in that you are coping where you are but it's baffling to me that you could live in a place that would suit you all better and he doesn't want to.

I can't see what he is getting out of this - why is he so attached to staying where you are, I wonder?

I sympathise as DS was a very energetic and loud toddler. We would go out during the day, simply so the place would not be trashed. I gave that up because it drained finances and the place now needs re-doing.

If he loves DS, then the arguments about schooling and DS's well-being (having a garden for better weather etc) should hold sway. That said, xH really did not understand the importance of good schools until DSD was badly served by hers.

Not helpful, but the outcome for us was me having tiny house next to DC good schools, and xH having his own comforts where he wants to be. If you don't want to end up in that position you either need to press ahead given the opposition and make all the arguments DS related and hope he comes round, or accept that your DH does not really want to put his son and you first.

mytummy, I think you are not coping, though. Your DH might be. But you are not?

Totally empathise with you mytummy

Your DH has had everything done for him and a change from his 'fixed', clean comfy home to something he has to work harder at I'd obviously shocking him into inertia.

As I see it you could be passive aggressive and go on strike so he has to deal with the things that make life difficult for you. On the weekends he needs to take DS out of the house 8-1. If anything breaks he needs to get it fixed or fix it.

Or you could give him an ultimatum but only if you're prepared to stick to it.

Or you could continue to paint the picture of the benefits of moving and the disadvantages of staying until he appreciates your point of view.

I would be well pissed off having gone to all that effort for nothing.

It sounds like he was kind of on the fence as you were doing everything anyway and then when it became real he got off the fence. I can understand why he'd be worried and can also understand why he doesn't want every penny to go into a house with no wriggle room for extras/fun stuff. However, I can also see why you're angry.

'I can't leave with dS as he loves his dad so much. '

Yeah, you can. He's a toddler. He'd get used to it. What would make me angry is how selfish your h is. Sounds like his life hasn't changed much at all - he gets to keep rolling along as usual because you are making all the sacrifices. Your whole financial set up sounds grossly unfair, too. I wouldn't stand for it.

I have so much sympathy, living somewhere that really doesn't suit your family is far harder than others might imagine. I honestly believe our living space has negatively affected my mental health.

We are in the process of moving finally and it has been difficult with us both on the same page, so to do it all on your own is pretty amazing. I too would be raging. The only thing I can think of is to list all the reasons it would improve your lives down to tiny things like 'room for a shoe rack' (never mind the big things) and all the bad things that currently affect you. Surely he can't argue with that?

As for not being able to have his ideal house, I don't get this thing of buying 'forever homes' while young! Surely not many people can do this?!

Also, I understand you want to be considerate towards your neighbours but you seem to be taking their needs more seriously than your own. I know it's tricky but you surely shouldn't have to be out all the time. If they're nice could you meet with them and explain? They might be far less bothered than you imagine.

I hope you find a resolution. YANBU at all. Good luck.

No. Don't accept this. Of course you can move with DS. DH can visit whenever he likes.

If he cannot afford his mansion then is he ever going to want to move?

Of course the move is necessary. Your DS is a toddler, but in many areas children start school as young as 4. That means that the time to be planning where he will go to school and how it will work is NOW, not in two or three years time when all the places will have been offered and taken up. You will need to live in the right catchment area, with the right transport links or even in walking distance.

I would force the issue otherwise you will still be wear you are in 10 years time.

If you did move with DS, or looked as though you might, would DH sulk initially but then decide to tag along?

Either way, do it. Keep the ball rolling. You will regret it big time if you don't.