and ungrateful?

[sconebonjovi]

First post from a long time lurker!

Basically, I currently live about 300 miles from my parents, with my DH and 2yo DD. I'm looking at relocating and renting in an area that is about half an hour from where my parents & Dh's mother live. They have always wanted us to move closer, so they can see their granddaughter more often etc.

DH and I are broke, so in order to move we will be relying on financial help, probably to the tune of about 1.5k from my parents. Not sure if it's relevant, but they are relatively wealthy. Very grateful for said help, but they are really only prepared to help if they can be in control of where we live, how we move and what we do in the mean time. They aren't big fans of the area we want to live in (they are snobs), and are very picky about exactly where we should live. They have also mentioned giving us £100 a month so we can afford to rent somewhere nicer. Again, very kind, but I'm worried that they are going to use this as leverage over me. They have really history of being emotionally abusive towards me, and are prone to bullying me. Our relationship has always been very difficult, but we are also quite close. I want to go down on the train to visit the area, and my parents are busy, so I suggested I go and stay with my MIL so I can have a look around. My DF shouted 'Why don't you going and live with fucking MIL then' and put the phone down on me, as he thinks I am being spiteful by suggesting it?! They think she has less right to spend time with DD because she has offered less financial help.

I'm starting to have real reservations about this whole thing, but we 're really unhappy where we are, and I really wanted to be nearer family for support, and for DD to have more time with grandparents, instead of barely knowing them. I struggle massively with my MH, and thought I'd be better off surrounded by family, as i'm lonely here. Am I being ungrateful? I'm really angry at my Dad, but don't feel like I'm allowed to be because of the money sitch. I'd really appreciate some insight!

What they think and say about your decisions shouldn't influence your decisions.

If the main problem where you are is your mental health, it doesn't sound like being closer to toxic relatives will help with that.

No, don't do it, they sound awful I am sorry to say. If you go ahead with this you are walking open-eyed into a very difficult situation. Heed the warning they have given you themselves.

and that I only want their help in my terms.

Here is how it works in a non abusive relationship.
Someone offers you help
You say yes please or no thank you according to whether or not you want to accept the help.
That is YOUR choice. Because it is YOUR life. You are not being a brat by refusing to do something that someone else wants you to. That is them being controlling.

The help is given. There is no holding of that help over your head to get you to do whatever they want next.

I would still move, half an hour away from hem is close enough to provide and take support if required and also closer to the MiL who you seem to like. I would NOT however take the money from your parents. If you can get a loan, or ink you can save it up over the coming months then do so, if necessary defer your motive period for another 6/12 months.

It doesn't matter what they say. You don't have to listen. You can put the phone down on them, just like they put it down on you.

Have you looked on the Stately Homes threads on here? Lots of good advice and recommended reading for people dealing with toxic families, which is what you have.

With regard to having given in your notice on your current home, you could ask the landlord whether he has replacement tenants, you could look for somewhere else locally, or you could look for somewhere nearer your MIL that you can afford without top ups from your parents. What's your job situation? Are you giving up/changing jobs?

Hedda, my husband is a freelancer and I'm a stay at home mum, I'd be looking for evening work once we have moved (NOT relying on childcare from my mother). There are equivalent schools and a better economy with more jobs where we are planning on heading ( the south of England). We're very unhappy where we are currently

This money will come with lots of strings attached. They sounds pretty nasty. I wouldn't do it.

My mum tried to do this, we said no and moved to Scotland.

Just ask your landlord if you can stay after all. If you are good tenants he will be hapoy to keep you.

And everyone else is right - don't accept money from them, don't move closer, and don't let your DD grow up seeing them treat you like this. They are toxic.

I get that the opportunities might be better down south but I'd still think very carefully before moving into your parents' orbit. Especially if that means taking money off them. They've already shown you that any money they give you is considered a downpayment on their increased control over you and this will only get worse once you're close enough to be within their grasp.

By all means move to an area with better opportunities, but if I were you I'd save up for a while and then move somewhere that lets you keep your distance from them.

It sounds like you having a tough time and could really use some support. I'm really sorry that your parents seem to think offering financial support entitles them to be controlling, rude and unpleasant. Very sensibly, you seem hesitant to enter into an arrangement which would put you in a position in which you felt beholden to them. A gift should be unconditional.

I guess the question is, on balance what's the best for your well-being and that of your family. All the best.

Oh dear, they sound delightful !
Why inflict them on your daughter ???
Surely she's better off without seeing you emotionally abused by her grandparents ???
Maybe it's not a coincidence the way they have treated you and your vulnerability to MH issues ???
It sounds like jumping fat to fire to
Me, cut your losses and make the most of life without their interference
Best of luck X

Don't move. Don't take another penny off them. Don't let them bully your DD and control her as they do you, which they will be able too if you live nearer. Tell yourself you are a grown up and actually you don't have to talk to them never mind anything else. Blood does not equal control.

Do you really think your be happier living near them? I know you say your unhappy, but doesn't sound like their "help" is going to come with many benefits at all.

They truly sound awful, I would not move closer to them nor would I take a single penny from them, you will end up paying it back with sweat, blood and tears..

Don't do it! They sound very controlling and it's all on their terms.

Move- but maybe a bit farther away!

What does your DH think?

Is there any way you can move without their financial help? (If need be, could you borrow it from MIL if she will just let you pay it back and treat you like adults? Could you live with her for a while until you save up enough to not need your parents money?)

I would refuse all offers of money for 'help' - they will use it to try to control you, as they have already shown you. Therefore if you want to be a grown up who decides their own life, you will have to never, ever accept their money as they see it as 'buying' your time and a say in your life decisions.

It is not 'help' - it is selling a share of the decision making within your marriage. Fuck that.

Finally, just a thought but is it possible that your MH problems might have their roots in your parents' unpleasant bullying? It seems very likely to me that the two are not unconnected.

If so, I'd argue that the very thing you should NOT do, for the sake of your MH, is move closer to them.

I also think you would regret moving so close to her.

Why are you unhappy where you are now? Hiw long have you been there?

Good grief! If you take their money you will forever be at their mercy, walking on egg shells for fear of them withdrawing their support on a whim if you disagree with them on something...
Take the money and buckle up for "don't forget all we do for you", "you're so ungrateful", "we pay towards this house, we can let ourselves in whenever we want", "oh no, you can't decorate it that colour", "don't upset your mother, or we'll stop your money"... etc., etc.
Move by all means, but not at their behest!!

P.s. If not for the sake of your health (it sounds like this situation would NOT help you one little bit, probably be detrimental to you TBH), then for your DD - they're toxic & she won't be missing out not knowing them

Gosh OP, they sound awful. The fact you are questioning if you are being a bratt when youre being totally reasonable is concerning. Have a really good think - just because your current situation isnt ideal doesn't mean being close to your parents would be better. If anything they sound like a threat to your mental health.

Jesus Christ. Why would you want to live near people like this? Why would you want to encourage them to establish a similarly 'close' manipulative relationship with your dd? By 'close' do you mean beholden, manipulated, intertwined in mutual misery? I'm failing to see the fun, joy and support in this relationship. Is it there?

Normal parents do not swear at their children. Normal adults do not throw a strop because you're making a perfectly sensible arrangement to stay with another family member. In fact most adults rarely if ever throw strops, because it's juvenile, antisocial behaviour.

Why not make a break, make some friends where you are and establish a happier, healthier more independent life for yourself and your family?

Also, £1,500 may seem like a lot at the moment, as might £100 a month, in terms of the immediate difference it could make but it's not that much money. Not unachievable as a salary increase and savings target for yourselves. It's not as if they're dangling £50k in front of you, fortunately.

Or move but based on your choice about where is best for you, job-wise, for housing, schools, proximity to people you like and want to see. Decide what you want, for yourselves. Do that.

Just save the 1.5k up yourself. I really don't think you have a choice.