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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel as if I need some support rather than anger and frustration

44 replies

enchantedfairytale · 10/04/2016 11:22

First of all, I need to explain my fiancé is definitely non-abusive, very loving, kind, all in all a decent man.

However, things are difficult. I've always been a teacher and I don't know if like a lot of non-teachers he has a slightly skewed view as to the realities of it or if perhaps I make it look easier than it is.

Anyway, things just haven't been going well in teaching and I've decided it's time to go. I have not (and would never) 'just' decide this but at the same time I was so depressed and unhappy. Even now after 2 weeks away it's sort of impeded through the whole holiday.

He doesn't get it. He thinks I want him to get angry with the government / headteacher / senior management, to shout 'what a bunch of bastards' (which I HATE) and he thinks praising my teaching helps when it doesn't as he's never seen me teach.

Fundamentally what he wants is for me to carry on teaching and preferably continue to get promoted.

How do you compromise?

How do you make decisions that benefit you but may detriment you as a couple?

I love him and I know he loves me but the communication is dreadful just now Sad

OP posts:
AnchorDownDeepBreath · 10/04/2016 11:29

You need to give him some direction.

It seems that he thinks being angry at the people who have ruined your profession, and offering encouragement and reassurance that you're doing a good job, will help.

That just seems to annoy you, which is pretty fair enough if you've already decided that you want to leave teaching. So maybe it's time to share your current plan with your DP and explain how he can help?

I'm guessing there is a plan, that won't affect you or him too much? If your plan is to retrain or you're likely to see a drop in income, you need to go back a step and make suggestions. Whilst it's not reasonable for him to expect you to stay in a job that's making you unhappy, it's also not reasonable for you to make decisions that will detrimentally affect you both without his input. And if you need him to support you both for a while, he needs to be on board with that or there will be resentment from both sides.

If you can't talk about it, which would be best, could you email him? Or write him a letter. Just find a way to explain that whilst you appreciate his support, you're done with teaching and your new plan is X, starting from Y, and it'll affect Z. Then ask what he thinks.

It sounds tough for you both. I hope it gets better soon!

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 10/04/2016 11:30

I guess I could have been a lot more concise and said, if his preferred option is that you remain a teacher and continue to get promotions, he'll fixate on that whilst it remains an option.

If it's not an option, it's time to make that clear.

WombatStewForTea · 10/04/2016 11:33

I'm a teacher OP. I know how utterly demoralising it can be at times.
Honestly, if you can get out of teaching then I'd do it. Changing will improve your mental health and make you a happier person. How can that be a bad thing? If i could find something that pays roughly the same then I'd jump at it.

airside · 10/04/2016 11:37

He obviously thinks he is helping by sticking up for you and praising you and then gets upset because you seem to be getting annoyed at his "help".

He's probably also scared that you'll end up unemployed and he will have to be the main earner. Even if he wouldn't mind doing that for a while it is a huge responsibility to be the only wage in a household and that will affect his responses. Check there's nothing going on at his work that might be causing him to consider his position there.

I think you need to plan for the future together and reassure him that leaving teaching will be a good thing and that long term you still want a career.

Foxyloxy1plus1 · 10/04/2016 12:09

Yes, I would say he's concerned about potential unemployment. Do you have a plan for when you stop teaching?

I don't think anyone who isn't a teacher can understand how it is these days. He'll tell you you're doing a great job, but, as you say, he can't know that because he's not there when you're teaching.

If you can get the communication going again and talk through the options together, you'll probably be more mutually understanding. He really needs to understand how soul destroying teaching can be just now. Surely he wouldn't want the person he loves to be tied into a job that makes them miserable?

I was a teacher for many years. I wouldn't do it now for any money, despite that vomit inducing advert currently on TV.

Original poster
enchantedfairytale · 10/04/2016 12:28

Thank you for your feedback.

Just to explain - I'm definitely not getting annoyed with him, but I am finding I'm spending time 'calming him down' after he has got 'angry' at whoever and then at the risk of sounding selfish, it becomes about him and not me.

I do have a plan which unfortunately I don't think he's totally supportive of - or more accurately, thinks it would be 'safer' to stay in teaching and this is conjecture on my part.

There won't be that much difference in terms of monthly income but it means us both being self-employed and he is concerned about this for when we want to get a mortgage in the future.

OP posts:
airside · 10/04/2016 12:44

Then he can be the one to get a salaried position. Perhaps he should consider teaching? Wink

You probably do need some support but unfortunately he's not in a place where he can provide it just now. It took me years to train my husband into realising that sometimes I just wanted to be handed a cup of tea, given a cuddle and told that everything would be okay (even if that wasn't so certain!)

Keep talking and try not to blame him too much. It's a major change to both of your lives and anxiety about the future will supercede other feelings. If you give it some time he might realise later what a dick he's being!

Original poster
enchantedfairytale · 10/04/2016 12:47

Thanks :) He's not being a dick exactly (or not intentionally!) but I feel like I'm on the brink of many exciting changes and I want someone by my side and instead I feel like I keep being taken back to somewhere I don't want to be.

OP posts:
redexpat · 10/04/2016 12:48

Darling I know you're trying to help, and I appreciate the thought, but actually it would be much more helpful if you could do xyz.

Original poster
enchantedfairytale · 10/04/2016 12:48

I have tried that thanks - he just tends to get quiet and huffy!

OP posts:
NCToProtectTheInnocent1 · 10/04/2016 12:51

Does he work, OP?

Original poster
enchantedfairytale · 10/04/2016 12:52

He does yes - he is self employed and does well at it, but we do want children and a mortgage in the near future and he is worried about the implications of us both being self employed.

OP posts:
Yeahsure · 10/04/2016 13:07

I'm quite surprised at these replies. Yes you are a partnership and you both need to be on board with big life decisions, but this is your daily life, your job and you are not happy.

You need to be much clearer 'I don't want to teach anymore so we need to discuss what comes next and how we manage'.

My dh and I have always always supported each other re jobs and career changes as it's not something you are experiencing together! I would never tell him how to think or feel about a job that I'm not doing.

Original poster
enchantedfairytale · 10/04/2016 13:22

It's difficult as I think he wants to be supportive but at the same time, wants me to stay in teaching which he perceives to be a very 'safe' option, even though it really isn't.

OP posts:
GoblinLittleOwl · 10/04/2016 13:43

Think very carefully about what you are doing before you leave teaching; now happily retired I truly sympathize with how you feel, but I stuck out the last few grim years for the sake of my pension, and it was worth it. I think your fiance is being supportive, but also far -sighted and realistic in considering mortgages and future employment prospects.

It may be worth staying in teaching for a couple of years for purely financial reasons; when you have the mortgage secured, that is the time to branch out. Equally, he could be looking for more secure employment at the same time.

A former Head gave up teaching for self-employment; within two years he was unemployed, living on benefits and suffering a nervous breakdown as all his plans failed and he was unable to support his family. He is certainly no happier; he simply exchanged one set of problems for another.

Rockchick1984 · 10/04/2016 13:52

Bear in mind that you will need 3 years of self employment accounts to use for a mortgage. So depending when you mean regarding "the near future" it may prove to be impossible to get the mortgage when you want to even if your self employment is a success immediately.

Original poster
enchantedfairytale · 10/04/2016 13:54

I know that's the sensible reply but I just can't.

Part time may be possible.

'Near future' is about three to five years away :)

OP posts:
Original poster
enchantedfairytale · 10/04/2016 15:15

He has just told me to please apply for other teaching jobs, I feel so torn.

OP posts:
Yeahsure · 10/04/2016 16:07

I think he's being really unfair personally. You don't want to do it. People can and do change careers. If you stay in teaching you'll be unhappy and you'll resent him.

Original poster
enchantedfairytale · 10/04/2016 16:22

Thanks, Yeah, I do understand he is worried but it's starting to rub off on me and making me anxious.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 10/04/2016 16:23

If you're planning a family at some point, is it the 'family friendly' (alleged) side of teaching that he doesn't want to lose?

Can you discuss how you will manage work and a family when the time comes?

Original poster
enchantedfairytale · 10/04/2016 16:33

It's the security of the monthly salary, and he thinks I could end up being a Head (!)

I just don't think he understands anything about it and I'm starting to feel annoyed myself.

OP posts:
HermioneJeanGranger · 10/04/2016 16:33

He can't make you stay in a job that makes you miserable just because he wants a better chance of getting a mortgage!

If he's so worried about having both of you being self-employed, why can't he get an employed position in his field?

CodyKing · 10/04/2016 16:43

The issue with some men - is that they want to offer solutions - and their experience - rather than truly listen to the problem - as in you just want to rant and get it off your chest - you don't want any input -

Think you need to rant at the girls!!!

Twowrongsdontmakearight · 10/04/2016 16:48

You need to make him understand that staying in teaching is not an option. He's not the one that's doing the job. It sounds great in theory but it is demoralising and depressing IMO.

I did most of a PGCE but didn't do final placement. DH was cross when I gave up but I wasn't prepared to do that job. I was working every night till midnight-1am and both days and nights at the weekend. My current job is about £5k less than starting teaching but life for the whole family is much sunnier. I think his attitude has softened since cousins/BIL and sister have just given up teaching or taken drastic demotions. It wasn't just me being mardy.

You haven't said what you plan to do next but can you give DH a mini financial plan showing how much you expect to be earning.

Stand up for yourself on this one. I know planning for the future is very important but not if today is misery.

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