To feel as if I need some support rather than anger and frustration

[enchantedfairytale]

First of all, I need to explain my fiancé is definitely non-abusive, very loving, kind, all in all a decent man.

However, things are difficult. I've always been a teacher and I don't know if like a lot of non-teachers he has a slightly skewed view as to the realities of it or if perhaps I make it look easier than it is.

Anyway, things just haven't been going well in teaching and I've decided it's time to go. I have not (and would never) 'just' decide this but at the same time I was so depressed and unhappy. Even now after 2 weeks away it's sort of impeded through the whole holiday.

He doesn't get it. He thinks I want him to get angry with the government / headteacher / senior management, to shout 'what a bunch of bastards' (which I HATE) and he thinks praising my teaching helps when it doesn't as he's never seen me teach.

Fundamentally what he wants is for me to carry on teaching and preferably continue to get promoted.

How do you compromise?

How do you make decisions that benefit you but may detriment you as a couple?

I love him and I know he loves me but the communication is dreadful just now

As a former teacher myself I'm afraid his attitude would make me question whether I could stay in this relationship.

He just doesn't get it.

Thank you for understanding, I really appreciate it.

Normally I would turn to RL friends, but there are a plethora of new babies / job stresses / house moves, and I feel I can't properly add to it.

When we first met I loved teaching, was quite high up in it and things looked promising, but that's changed and my career is down the toilet, not to put too fine a point on it! I don't think he gets it though.

Have you thought about taking him into work with you as a volunteer? Dress it up as something - not sure if your age range - and we'll let him try it??

Being a volunteer even if it were practicable isn't going to make him aware of the depth of misery his partner feels.

Hello OP, fellow exhausted teacher here. I have a lovely friend who's a learning mentor in a tough school. She's ridiculously underpaid and does a huge amount for the school but she's happy. However, her fiancé KEEPS telling her to go in to the Head and demand a payrise, demand promotion, refuse to carry out XYZ jobs. As posters have said, he just doesn't get that it doesn't work like that!!

Do you talk to him much about what's going on in teaching, how stressed you are, huge numbers of teachers leaving, fears for the future of education etc? I left at Christmas & there's no way dp could've been surprised by it as I've been ranting for years. Do you have children? I think work-life balance and the impact on your family is a big part of my reasons for leaving. Would it help to work out your hourly wage (scarily small)? Or suggest a stop gap career - I had a spell doing supply; which is not very well paid & nothing during school holidays but very much in demand term time. I'm now doing a non teaching role in the school I taught in and am so much happier. Good luck op. The other side is definitely greener!

I work in secondary anyway where we don't tend to get many volunteers. He admits himself 'I'd end up punching them' (he wouldn't, he's actually very gentle and in some ways would probably be a lovely teacher but lacks the academic qualifications.)

I just need to feel I've got someone by my side not pulling me backwards, I hope that doesn't sound too awful.

Apologies, I meant to press 'return' and pressed 'post' by mistake!

I think one of the problems is I've always been keen to try and minimise the impact it has at home so from his perception he's seen his partner come home at six and chill and chat and then go to work the next day like hundreds of others.

He's aware of some of the worse classes but my difficult classes seem to really like me, strangely enough, but tear shreds from each other so I often get fights breaking out which is quite scary: then I do have this really awful class but if I try to explain why they are so awful it doesn't sound too bad - things like 'they keep arguing with me' sounds weak.

I've tried to explain how horrible it will be for any children we do have to have an overworked stressed mum. How much happier we'd be as a family. I think he sees it but doesn't want to see it. It's so easy to bracingly say it's not that bad when you're not the one doing it!

Sorry to keep repeating myself but you shouldn't have to 'keep trying to explain' and 'feel torn' and generally feel until he gets it you have to stay in the job.

Please love, tell him it straight 'I'm really deep unhappy with teaching and I'm going to leave, let's start thinking about a different future and how it will work'. Stop listening to 'his' arguments - he doesn't do your job for you!

I'm 52. Trust me life is too short to work in a career that drains you, that stresses you this much.

I will; I just don't think it's going in

Is your self-employment plan a 'sure thing' that will allow you to match your salary immediately, or will it match your salary 'eventually' if it 'goes well'?

How realistic are you being? Most SE work takes 1-3 years to turn a profit.

I'm hoping to buy a business :)

My dh had a very respectable well paid profession but he hated it. There was a lot of responsibility and it really stressed him. I have to confess it took me a while to accept he just couldn't do it. I would find ads for similar job in a different location. I would suggest part time.l would tell him what a great job he was doing as he had very positive feedback. I think l felt it was a stage he was going through or he was being too hard on himself and needed to the job in a more nonstressed way. Total nonsense l know now but the bottom line was l didn't want change and was insecure where finances were concerned. Eventually he just said., bottom line I CANT DO IT. Looking back no one has diehard we have survived and even now my poor dh feels a bit bad he couldn't do it. It takes time sometimes to be in someone else's shoes. If it had been the other way around he would have said give it up straight away. I was just more into security.

It's tricky - you obviously really want to leave but both being self employed will make a mortgage very difficult, and will be bad when you want to go on ML.

Could you stick it out for another year, just coasting, doing s good job but not pushing for SLT? And bring forward house and baby and get on ML, go back for a month and resign.

Or leave to a secure but lower stress (and probably less well paid job) like office admin/manager or something. Then build up your own business in your spare time.

Or go PT. Or go supply?

Thank you june :)

To be honest I will probably be doing another year as you say whois and possibly part time and / or supply beyond that, but it will be for money rather than as a career, if you follow me. It's hard as I have to balance the fact it's my life with his wishes and although I want to understand his point of view it's ultimately my happiness here.

Is part of it that he's very proud of you and your career? You say he doesn't have the academic qualifications you have...
And yes, if yours is the mortgageable salaried secure income then a change of career has big implications for you both and for your future plans, he's going to take a while to get his head around it.

I think part of it is that missy but I also feel I should be valued on my own merits if you like.

I left teaching (languages) and changed my career completely. I am now in IT and appreciate being with adults and a job that is fun. Only after I had left teaching I realized how insular it can be.

I can't even explain how it makes me feel. I think one of the problems is it is a feeling, an emotion, and normally I am very sensible and not led by these but I feel so anxious and strung up all of the time that it just ruins everything. Even when he feels I am happy and relaxed, I'm actually not. I think the only times I do genuinely feel relaxed are Friday nights and Saturday mornings (when not on holiday.) The last few days of any holiday are just fraught with anxiety.