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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I don't think IABU about not going to this wedding

70 replies

Obliviated · 09/04/2016 22:25

DP has a family member getting married in the summer (not a sibling or parent) and we have been invited.

It's 3 hours away by train, and we would need to go the night before to have any chance of getting to the ceremony on time, and stay the night of the wedding too, so 2 nights away. It's also speciality clothing that would need to be hired or bought, and we'd be buying a gift, food and drink are paid for by us too.

Its to expensive, 2 adults and 3 children on a train is £220, a family room in a B&B for two nights is close to £200 and that's without the extra costs. One of the Dc has SN and wouldn't cope with the travel very well. I will also be heavily pregnant. Plus, it's two weeks after our family holiday and a week after Dc's birthday, we just can't afford it.

Even if Dp goes alone and stays for one night, it's £110 travel and £140 hotel. Plus clothing, gift and food/drinks. I've tried looking for cheaper hotels but it's holiday season in a very popular place, and there's not much to be found. Tbh even just the cost of the train fare is to much.

I really like the couple who are getting married and I would love to see them, their wedding sounds like it will be amazing. We just can't go though. Very kindly they offered us some money towards it, we hadn't said we couldn't afford it but I think they realise that it's going to cost a fair bit. Even so, it's just to much.

I feel like the bad guy in saying no. Dp is disappointed, but it's me that does all the budgeting and he seems to think that money grows on trees. We don't have a lot of money but I save up and shop carefully, I'm saving for our holiday spending money at the moment, I've nothing spare to save up for the wedding.

OP posts:

BerylStreep · 10/04/2016 10:33

I wouldn't go. TBH the bride & groom are so busy on the day that although it would be lovely if you were there, you'll probably not be missed.

PrimalLass · 10/04/2016 10:51

The one thing I will not miss is family weddings - they're just too important.

Important to you. You should not be trying to make the OP feel even more guilty.

Boolovessulley · 10/04/2016 11:12

Don't go but send a nice gift and card.

gingerboy1912 · 10/04/2016 11:27

Yanbu send them card and pressy and maybe a text wishing them well.

ExConstance · 10/04/2016 11:53

Yes card and present, but do arrange to meet up with the bride and groom sometime after they return from honeymoon so you can share someof the experience of the wedding.

FuriousFate · 10/04/2016 13:21

Primal - why would I want to make her feel guilty? Where there's a will, there's a way.

TubbyTabby · 10/04/2016 13:41

YANBU.

ScaredOffMyBoss · 10/04/2016 14:00

It's a shame because it sounds like you want to go and you and your family will have a lovely weekend. Did you say you pay for your own food and drink there? That's a bit odd for a wedding isn't it?

YANBU not to go in the circumstances but if you could be creative with getting there etc then it could be a nice memory for you all. Do either yourself or your DH drive? Could you hire a car? For a weekend of would be less than the train costs and save the hassle of public transport with DC.

If the B&G have offered you money to help I would accept it they obviously want you there. Maybe they could pay for the hotel?

saoirse31 · 10/04/2016 14:19

How long a journey is it, that the bus is impractical? What about the birthday party, if its not till summer, can u cancel and replace with something cheaper? ? Family weddings r important IMO, and I'd do everything to go. If you really don't want to go, which Is the case I think, then really do should go, and if on own can definitely so it cheaper. Alternatively do u have any relatives near who could mind DC and just u and dp go, again u could travel and prob stay a lot cheaper?

Given that they're offering u money to go, I'd think there'll be some upset if none of you turn up. While being 8 month pregnant is unassailable excuse normally, but if you've just gone on two wks hols I'm not sure couple would see it as so believable.

I think tho, your dp going on own in circs is prob best option. I do think no one going would be a bit odd esp when u say u both like couple. Good luck whatever u do op.

PrimalLass · 10/04/2016 18:52

Primal - why would I want to make her feel guilty? Where there's a will, there's a way.

Your second sentence says it all. Sometimes the will is just outweighed by the 'no way'. She will be heavily pregnant and they can't afford it. But you're still saying she needs to try harder.

I have a horrible habit of tying myself in knots because I can't say no, and then feeling really relieved when I do.

rookiemere · 10/04/2016 19:33

It makes a lot of sense for your DH to go on his own - much easier for one person than a family to cadge a lift and space on someone's floor. OP I know you've said you don't want to sort it out for him and I quite agree, it would be worth asking him if he has done it himself as if he doesn't then the family will have to pay for a last minute train ticket and hotel room

I have to say I find it beyond ridiculous that the couple to be expect their guests to hire regency costume in addition to all the usual wedding attendance costs. If that's what they want because nothing says I love you more than people dressed in period dress then they should pay for it.

I like to go to family and friends weddings - I'm going to one in the US later on this year, but I'd certainly not put myself in debt for one or compromise on a family holiday to attend.

WonderingAspie · 10/04/2016 22:19

YANBU. I've had to decline going to a close family members wedding because it will cost a minimum of 5k for us all to go! I'm just not paying it and we don't have it anyway.

Why can't people just get married more local and have it cheaper for guests?! When did it become such a thing for guests to have to travel and spend so much to attend a wedding!

expatinscotland · 10/04/2016 22:30

YANBU. It costs too much. Don't feel like you have to justify yourself or camp or bend over backwards to magic money out of nowhere. Just decline and send a card and gift.

Blondeshavemorefun · 10/04/2016 23:23

3hrs on train sounds a long way away - what would it take by car? Same?longer ?

Could you hire a car and drive early on morning and then ether leave by 8pm so don't have to stay anywhere?

I would google other accommodation in the area - not travel lodge etc as they are exspensive as well - see if driving 5 miles away gets cheaper etc

Is there any family near by you could stay with? Even stay at b&g - assume they will be in a hotel overnight

I would happily allow friends and family to stay at mine if only way they could
Come

FuriousFate · 11/04/2016 00:31

Primal - sounds like you're projecting somewhat.

If she doesn't want to go due to the pregnancy, that's a different issue. If money is the root cause, when they have also been offered financial help, I'm saying that there could be a way to make this happen.

BerylStreep · 11/04/2016 09:03

I wouldn't accept money from the B&G to attend their wedding.

DinosaursRoar · 11/04/2016 09:17

Well, if the money is being offered to off set the costs of the clothes for the fancy dress wedding, then that's not too bad to accept. Think of it in terms of the bride and groom paying for bridesmaids and groomsmen outfits, just getting their guests to sort their own and reimbursing.

Op, it does sound like your DP wants very much to go, weddings are often one of the few occasions for families to all get together. Seeing if he can get a lift and using cheap accommodation should be ok. It's worth asking your ex if he'll swap weekends, even if you think the answer would be no, or is there someone in your family who'd have the dcs so you could just go as a couple if you really want to go too?

rookiemere · 11/04/2016 09:35

Actually if the B&G are offering to cover the cost of hiring the costumes - which indeed they should be as it's a huge and massively self indulgent extravagance - then what they should have done was to send all the invitees a link to the website, ask them to confirm what outfit they would like and then arrange the hire for the attendees.

Not offer them money as if they were doing the guests a favour.

FWIW I wouldn't accept money from the B&G to attend a wedding.

Anyway sounds like your DH has a workable solution.

PrimalLass · 11/04/2016 11:14

Primal - sounds like you're projecting somewhat.

Well the OP read to me as though she wanted to be told she was not unreasonable for saying no.

expatinscotland · 11/04/2016 11:39

And I don't think it's unreasonable to say no.

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