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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I don't think IABU about not going to this wedding

70 replies

Obliviated · 09/04/2016 22:25

DP has a family member getting married in the summer (not a sibling or parent) and we have been invited.

It's 3 hours away by train, and we would need to go the night before to have any chance of getting to the ceremony on time, and stay the night of the wedding too, so 2 nights away. It's also speciality clothing that would need to be hired or bought, and we'd be buying a gift, food and drink are paid for by us too.

Its to expensive, 2 adults and 3 children on a train is £220, a family room in a B&B for two nights is close to £200 and that's without the extra costs. One of the Dc has SN and wouldn't cope with the travel very well. I will also be heavily pregnant. Plus, it's two weeks after our family holiday and a week after Dc's birthday, we just can't afford it.

Even if Dp goes alone and stays for one night, it's £110 travel and £140 hotel. Plus clothing, gift and food/drinks. I've tried looking for cheaper hotels but it's holiday season in a very popular place, and there's not much to be found. Tbh even just the cost of the train fare is to much.

I really like the couple who are getting married and I would love to see them, their wedding sounds like it will be amazing. We just can't go though. Very kindly they offered us some money towards it, we hadn't said we couldn't afford it but I think they realise that it's going to cost a fair bit. Even so, it's just to much.

I feel like the bad guy in saying no. Dp is disappointed, but it's me that does all the budgeting and he seems to think that money grows on trees. We don't have a lot of money but I save up and shop carefully, I'm saving for our holiday spending money at the moment, I've nothing spare to save up for the wedding.

OP posts:

Original poster

Obliviated · 09/04/2016 23:15

He did suggest the megabus. I disregarded it as I was still thinking in terms of taking the Dc but it might be a possibility for just him. Other than the couple, the rest of the family live in our area, is it rude to ask them about dp staying in their house? If not, that would definitely save on costs.

Dp is going to have to pull his finger out and speak to his wider family about how they are travelling. Someone may have space in their car. I'm not doing that for him though, I've already searched hotels, travel, gifts etc. He can take some personal responsibility I think.

OP posts:

grapejuicerocks · 09/04/2016 23:18

Could he share with his mum or another guest? Nothing wrong with that. Or a triple room with some mates? Bus sounds cheaper.
I'd try to get him there if possible but at the end of the day if you can't afford it, you can't afford it.

zzzzz · 09/04/2016 23:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

grapejuicerocks · 09/04/2016 23:20

Yes, agree. He needs to appeal to his family to get him there. Space on a sofa or a space in a car for one, shouldn't be too much of a problem.

Bogeyface · 09/04/2016 23:20

If he could get a lift and stay with family then its totally doable, but you are right that he needs to sort it out for himself, and if he doesnt and misses it then its down to him.

Original poster

Obliviated · 09/04/2016 23:34

I've told him that the Dc and I aren't going, it's just not possible, or fair to them really. I've told him that if he wants to go, which he does, then he needs to start ringing round tomorrow and try and get something organised and also to work out where outgoings can be cut down, although to be fair, he doesn't spend a great amount anyway, and it's not his fault that I didn't think before booking the birthday party. Hopefully he will get his arse in gear and work something out, he knows I won't do it for him. Probably makes me sound awful but I have enough responsibility as it is, I won't baby him iyswim.

OP posts:

Crispbutty · 09/04/2016 23:42

Megabus do trains to. I got a ticket to London from Exeter for £1.50 when I booked a couple of weeks in advance

wannadancethenightaway · 09/04/2016 23:54

Is it a fancy dress wedding?

Or are they wearing kilts?

Jaimx86 · 10/04/2016 00:05

Don't go op.
I can't understand people who wants ransomers at their wedding.

BackforGood · 10/04/2016 00:05

I think that sounds the best solution
Encourage him to go and look into either traveling with relatives or going on the megabus (if it's City to City - not so easy for other journeys)
Encourage him to ask other family what they are doing re accommodation. I'm not clear if most of family live near you (in which case he could jump in and save on travel) or if you meant most of family live near wedding (in which case presumably someone would let him bunk down on their floor), but either way, 2 easy ways to not spend money you haven't got. Or, if couple are getting married where they live now, ask them if any of their friends would let him bunk down on their floors - everyone I know would let traveling friends of B&G do that if they lived locally to the wedding and others were traveling.

maddening · 10/04/2016 00:56

If it was just Dh going could he not stay with family in the area?

LizardBreath · 10/04/2016 01:06

Jeez, just don't go. No need to validate your decision here. Just don't go, decline and it's done really not that hard!!

Janecc · 10/04/2016 01:30

If your dp wants to go that's fine if he can get there for a reasonable amount and stay with family. I know my dh would not miss it regardless of the financial impact as family is important to him. I didn't go to my cousins wedding, small affair, last minute as I was heavily pregnant. I would love to have gone but I was in agony and on crutches and couldn't face the long journey.
A cousin of dh and her family (husband and 2 kids) agreed to come to our wedding then didn't because of the travel costs. They were all coming over from France in a coach my husband had laid on and it was not that expensive. He worked the price out and all the guests agreed to pay, he made adults double the price of children. as the cost was worked out on the number of people who came, there was a shortfall and dhs father ended up paying for their empty seats. These people who had decided it was too expensive to come to our wedding then had the outside of their house painted the same month as our wedding, which would have cost I imagine a couple of thousand pounds. I felt and still feel betrayed by these people. Had they said no in the first place that would have been fine and I would have respected their decision.

Janecc · 10/04/2016 01:31

Oh and I mentioned this because whatever you decide as a family please stick to it as feelings can really be hurt.

Whatthefreakinwhatnow · 10/04/2016 01:43

If you csnt afford to to go, don't go OP,it's not worth the stress of trying to eek out the family budget to cover it. If DP can get there/bunk with family brilliant, if not ita one of those things and he'll need to just apologise pn everyone's behalf.

I cannot believe someone suggested finding a cheaper mortgage deal Remortgaging a house to pay to attend a wedding is the most thing I've ever heard!

Inertia · 10/04/2016 07:57

Don't feel bad about not going. You have a number of entirely valid reasons to not go. Especially if you would have to pay for your own food at the wedding!

NicknameUsed · 10/04/2016 08:09

I agree that if it is too expensive to go then stay at home. I think it is a massive imposition to expect guests to fork out for expensive fancy dress though. So if your husband does go he should just wear his best suit.

RhiWrites · 10/04/2016 08:50

Can you stay in a b&b and get the fancy dress from charity shops? If you really want to go there are probably ways to cut costs.

Squeegle · 10/04/2016 08:59

RTFT Rhi- the OP's original thread says B and B. 2 adults and 3 kids is always going to be quite a cost - esp on a Saturday night. Never mind travel costs.

WhoKnowsWhereTheT1meGoes · 10/04/2016 09:02

The Family railcard makes a massive difference (I think it's 40% off adult and 20% off child fares). I know it's hard but I've found over the years that my extended and geographically scattered family is drifting apart as there hasn't been a wedding for about 15 years and now we only see each other at funerals. The weddings and their memories are part of our shared family fabric and I'm glad I made the effort at the time. I know a lot of people take the attitude that it's only a day and forgotten about once over but I disagree.

meganorks · 10/04/2016 09:03

Can you hire a car for less than train travel and just stay 1 night?

SuperFlyHigh · 10/04/2016 09:12

One word Air BnB rather than travel lodge for accommodation. Was only just looking at it yesterday for DB who has to use it for a work trip to pinewood.

I myself stayed in a fab studio flat near Eiffel Tower over Easter weekend (met friends) about £90 for 3 days. Great value.

Check money saving expert for other deals.

playg · 10/04/2016 09:37

YANBU at all.

If just your DH went,would national express coach or megabus be possible? Probably would take lots of time and changes, but likely cheaper than train.

Also if just your DH maybe he could find another single going and share a train room? Or depending on how prepared he is to rough it, is there a hostel in the area at all?

I recently did a driving tour of England style holiday with DH, and when booking hotels in very touristy places I found I could get better deals by booking in places a few miles out from the centre, or in privately run B&Bs on town outskirts/suburbs. Pain as you'd need to get a taxi/bus still, but it's an idea.

Also I'd be annoyed to at DH's blind eye to budgeting. Very geeky but every month I go through our online banking and fill in a spreadsheet with categorised spending, and then review it with DH. He gets quite into it, and finds it interesting, so it's a good way of involving him - otherwise he probably wouldn't himself. Maybe something along those lines would help with your DH. I do take care not to use it as a way to bash or control DH, or for it to feel like that - just a way to share.

playg · 10/04/2016 09:38

Twin room not train room. Grrrr autocorrect.

FindingNormal · 10/04/2016 10:25

Is it in Maui?

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