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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be so upset about my ex.

26 replies

WhatTheFrikkinFrack · 08/04/2016 15:34

I'm really struggling to deal with him walking out on us. I know a lot of it is my hormones but everything reminds me of 'us' and I saw him the other day with his other 2 kids and it broke my heart to think my child is gonna miss that.
I did contact his parents to say they have a grandchild on the way and haven't had a reply, he looks through me if we see each other, I just desperately want to know what I ever did to himtomake him treat me and my unborn child like we don't exist.
I fear it's a ideation I will never know the answer towns I know if he can't be assed the my son is better off without hi but it's just so raw and painful.
I went to the beach were we once went on a date and just burst into tears. I love him deeply and he said he loved me, I'm just so so hurt and can't see myself ever feeling healed.
Sorry for the rant I'm just needing a vent really .
Xx

OP posts:

LittleRedSparke · 08/04/2016 15:52

Did he leave recently - your post seems very raw ?

xXx

You will get through this even though it feels like the worst time in the world x

Ouriana · 08/04/2016 15:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pinkdelight · 08/04/2016 16:05

Just trying to understand - has he gone back to his ex-DP and kids? If not, and he's just spending time with his kids from a former relationship, why won't your DC have that too? Would seem to suggest he can still be a decent dad. Maybe it'll just take time to get over the break-up with you and to form a separate bond with his baby. Sorry if that's not how it is. Hard to tell what the situation is. But that aside, it's totally normally to feel devastated, but you will get through it. Hope you can get plenty of support in RL.

Original poster

WhatTheFrikkinFrack · 08/04/2016 16:22

Yes he is back with ex and her kids and is saying my baby is not his and he wants nothing to do with it. 😢

OP posts:

Bogeyface · 08/04/2016 16:30

Does his ex/DP know about the baby?

Original poster

WhatTheFrikkinFrack · 08/04/2016 16:49

Yes she does- her ultimatum to him was that they could get back together as low bg as he has nothing to do with me or the baby- and she Messaged me on FB to tell me so.

OP posts:

Bogeyface · 08/04/2016 16:54

Well she can say what she likes but he will still have to pay child support, I sincerely hope that you wont let him off the hook on that one.

She must be prepared to put up with some shit if she will take him back despite him having a baby on the way with you.

I know it doesnt feel like it right now, but you really have dodged a bullet. It is inevitable that he will leave her again and it would have been inevitable that he would have cheated on you if he had stayed. She has not won any kind of prize with him, she really hasnt.

Just make sure that when he leaves, he doesnt leave for you. Was he single when you met him?

cocochanel21 · 08/04/2016 17:03

I had Dd1 when I was 15. Her dad wanted nothing to do with her and also said she was not his. His mother told anyone who would listen that I was a slut. Luckily my family were supportive although my parents we're devastated at the time. Dd was the best thing that happened to me but it was hard sometimes. One time when dd was about 3 his mother was sitting next to us in the doctor's waiting room dd started to talk to her and she completely ignored her.
This was all a long time ago now (23) years. Her dad missed out on all those year's according to a friend, he now struggles with his actions all those year's ago. Sadly it too late to do anything about it. I have no sympathy.

magoria · 08/04/2016 17:13

Well he can claim it isn't his as much as he wants he will have to prove that to the (new) CSA or pay the amount they set that he has to.

There is nothing else you can do except mourn and move on.

When the baby is born send him a letter advising and then leave it to him.

You cannot force him to have contact with the child. His parents have made it clear they are not interested.

Move on and leave his sorry arse to his ex.

Original poster

WhatTheFrikkinFrack · 08/04/2016 20:43

I thought he was single when I met him but he was stil seeing her, they split properly once I found out i was pregnant and he wanted to be with me but I said no because I didn't want him to leave her for me and I have my other kids here and it's not right for him to just move in.
We went through 3 months of him crying and begging me to be with him and then the next min asking me to have a termination, then he would be begging me not to leave him again, he asked me to look at houses with him with a view to him living on his own for 6 months to a year but us trying to build a relationship back, the one day he phoned me and went nuts down the phone saying he was going to kill himself if I kept the baby.....
I declined to react so he just cut me off there and then, said as far as him and the ex are concerned they are a family again, the baby is not his and he will not support me in anyway even financially.
I have had 5 weeks of counselling and then decided to write to his parents to say I'm having his baby and it's a boy.
They haven't written back or said no thanks but then I did say I would let them know when ds is born so maybe they are waiting until then but I won't hold my breath.
I'm just stunned that he can see me in the street, looking heavily pregnant and pretend he doesn't even know me when a few months ago he was begging me to be with him and was declaring his love for me.
I'm sure having my son will help me to get closure and heal but just now I'm simply gutted that I'm on my own with my children.
I never thought I would be in this position with the man I love.
Saying that the man I love doesn't exist as it was all a lie.
Fuck my life!

OP posts:

Original poster

WhatTheFrikkinFrack · 08/04/2016 21:56

I'm sure it will get better, I'll stop feel Bg sorry for myself soon enough and then I'm sure I'll be strong enough to not care what he is doing!

OP posts:

cocochanel21 · 08/04/2016 22:16

I'm sure once the baby is here you won't give your Ex a second thought.

kennyp · 08/04/2016 22:21

it can be so tough splitting up with someone, plus you were the dumpee rather than the dumper (as was i) and it really really hurts.

so sorry you were upset at the beach hut. it's such a tough time and has taken me nearly 8 months to get to grips with even the smallest of things and i could and can still cry at the drop of a hat, and i wasn't in the position that you are with your baby on the way, so i really feel for you and of course it's upsetting.

HairySubject · 08/04/2016 22:27

I was in a similar situation, I was pregnant when my ex left me for another woman. Denied the baby was his and we have never. Heard from him since.
All I can say is that time heals. I know it's a cliche but it is true and soon you will have a new little one to concentrate on.
Look after yourself.

getyourfingeroutyournose · 09/04/2016 02:51

He sounds very mentally unstable and dangerous from the threats to end his own life based on your actions OP. That in itself is emotional abuse. He's treated you this way so I'm sure you would never trust he could be safe around your kids. Make sure you mention all this when it does go to court to get maintenance from him (if you want to do that). If you don't, get legal advice. There's plenty charities that help with family legal stuff. Tell them about the threats to end his life if you kept the baby. Show them all the evidence you have of what he has said or done to you. Make sure he can't ruin your child's life like he has tried to do to you (and failed because now you have the best thing in the world to look forward to. Don't let him ruin that for you). Good luck OP

AyeAmarok · 09/04/2016 03:00

What a bastard. You will be fine. You and your DS. You really will be better off without him.

Don't let him off child support though OP. Absolutely not.

Is he employed,

Original poster

WhatTheFrikkinFrack · 09/04/2016 07:41

Yes he is employed, is a very good job. His other kids want for nothing, they are going to Australia over the summer and all have designer clothes, and have iPhones etc.
I barely have enough money to pay for my divorce with my ex and am going through a debt relief order. My ex hub is okay and we co- parent well, he will be 'around' ish when son is born so he will at least have a male around in some capacity, just not his own father. At least people have stopped telling me I should get rid now and I can just get through this last trimester of pregnancy. I only need to buy a new crib mattress as I have everything else from dd being born so that's something.

OP posts:

WellErrr · 09/04/2016 07:52

I agree with PP - once the baby is born it'll be better.

Make sure you get bloody CSA from him though! The twat.

Original poster

WhatTheFrikkinFrack · 09/04/2016 11:24

I was going to apply for child support but I'm sure he won't pay it, he can just refuse to pay and from the threads I've seen on here they aren't great an enforcing payment!

OP posts:

FeckTheMagicDragon · 09/04/2016 11:33

If he's in a good job, and not self employed he will eventually have to pay. He may want a DNA test - esp if he's lied to his wife about who your baby's father is. But he can't just say no.

Delacroix · 09/04/2016 12:36

Refusing to pay isn't easy - the way they usually refuse is to leave their jobs, take on cash-in-hand roles or, if self-employed, hide their income. He doesn't sound clever enough to cheat the system anyway, and it's becoming harder to do so, especially for a man who cannot run or quit his job due to his existing family.

So yes. Apply. He'll be forced to pay in the end because the CSA will hound him, and he sounds pretty weak - he'll want to open his wallet to stop the hounding.

Original poster

WhatTheFrikkinFrack · 09/04/2016 22:07

I'm sure he will seek advice and will be told to deny being dad (he's doing that already) and will just to everything he can to pay me nothing. If he is back with her he will probably quit his job and she will go full time so he doesn't have to pay me or he will go self employed and find out how to tie up his money in other things so as to not pay me.

OP posts:

Original poster

WhatTheFrikkinFrack · 09/04/2016 22:08

He has stated very clearly that he will not support me in anyway even if it means moving abroad to get away from paying me

OP posts:

Bogeyface · 09/04/2016 22:12

I very much doubt that his wife will appreciate the massive drop in lifestyle that would follow him giving up his job.

Dont borrow trouble, you dont know what is going to happen so just keep on keeping on. Apply for child support and if he wants to end up paying for a DNA test to tell him what you both already know then let him.

Original poster

WhatTheFrikkinFrack · 15/04/2016 17:37

Just to update:
I had my scan today and am feeling much better.
I had a really good cry when I saw wee man on the screen and felt if he could only see what a beautiful life he is missing out on.
The poor male sonographer was lovely and said I was an amazing lady doing this on my own and he's the one that is gonna miss out not my little boy.
I came out feeling so much better and the lovely consultant is the lady that delivered my last baby and has said while its against advice due to my parity I'm ok for home birth!!! Yay

OP posts:

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