To want to sit in silence every evening? E

[Moomoomango]

As soon as kids are in bed I have nothing left of me to give.. I spend all day answering my 4 year olds questions / requests / demands / whines and moans and my 1 year olds occasional whimper for attention, which I'm desperately trying to give him because my 4 year old needs to know everything about everything . In the evening I can't bare the thought of talking or more truthfully listening. I go to bed and sit in silence. Aibu? Should I make more of an effort to be a human or is the quest for silence a normal thing?

I totally get this. My job requires extensive and intense contact with people in crisis. I go to the gym directly after work to decompress enough to hang out with my family. Once my dd is in bed, my dh and I retreat to our own space. I often spend long amounts of time gazing at the night sky or sitting in the dark listening to music. I feel fortunate to be married to a man who is compatible in this respect.

secret do you ever find yourself thinking about things weeks, even months after? I'm finding lately that I'm struggling 'letting go' as I once did and I'm losing sleep over it. Sorry I've suddenly asked you it's just you spoke about crisis, so I'm guessing MH. I'm not in MH but I'm often questioning if I could have changed things or done things better. I can't seem to leave it at the doors anymore.

I felt like that with one small child. I am in awe of people who cope with 2, 3 or even 4 under five year olds! Of course you need some time to regroup! But I hope you get some time to yourself when your DH is home. Don't fall into that trap of 'Oh, I can't even step outside the front door alone or the baby will be upset.' The baby might be upset, but they'll get over it quickly, no harm done, and everyone needs child-free time if they want to keep their sanity!

Grays, I often think of things from as far back as a year. My work involves very brief but intense contact ( victims of violent crime) I work hard to make sure my clients have the best information and resources I can provide...but I often wake up, thinking about what I could/ should have done differently. Some things just haunt

I get you secret, sorry I got your job a bit wrong there but I suppose there's quite a lot of MH work you have to consider during that. I suppose I sort of feel a bit of an odd one out because this is something I've tested the waters with with my colleagues and none tended to feel the same. I'm not sure whether it was front or just something they can deal with better. Feel like I'm incompetent for not being able to 'box it off' as they say

I am totally with you OP, and I am an extrovert,, DH is the introvert. I used to tell DH I needed headspace once the children were in bed as I had lost the power of speech. Agree re going off for a walk/ quiet time for half an hour or so to recharge.

I used to find this in the mornings too, after getting the children ready before work. Occasionally and unpredictability I would sometimes end up giving someone a lift, and I found it so hard to talk. I really needed that 20 minutes between leaving the mayhem and work, but I didn't realize how much until I didn't have it.

I do headspace and mumsnet while OH puts the kids to bed. This helps with the need for quite.

it's really natural to need down time after hours of busy childcare.

I've been going to bed earlier and earlier to try and get a bit more sleep. I like feeling refreshed in the morning.

I go upstairs and read or catch up on stuff on my laptop or watch the news on tv.
Husband likes to watch the Soaps with the sound turned up. It is too loud for me and I need peace and quiet. I think he is going deaf too.

I do know what you mean......

I'm an introvert so silence is my best friend. I have a 6, 4 and 3 year old. Once they're asleep I often just sit or lie down in complete silence, it's blissful. Ditto when they go to their dad's, I usually spend the first hour or two in silence. You never realise how wonderful silence is until you have children.

When anyone visits I don't want the TV or music on either. I don't do background noise, I find it really distracting. I like to just sit and talk with someone. Some people find that unsettling and need something in the background, I don't personally understand that.

So, Yanbu. It's perfectly normal to require some calm after being shouted a all day from every angle.

When does your dh get home? Can he take over the children for an hour, while you find silence and rest elsewhere (you can make a flask of tea, grab a book, jump in the car and drive somewhere quiet - preferably with a nice view, but not essential, as you can just sit and read).

Young children have this effect. Is your dh understanding? This phase of your life won't last forever, and if he is understanding and patient, it will help you a lot more than if it makes him grumpy and demanding.

Do you do things as a family on his days off? Maybe he could spend half the day giving you a break from the children while you do the weekly grocery shop alone, or something?

You do need a break from constant demands. I remember, when dd was little, there were times I was so exhausted by the demands placed upon me of a young child a difficult MIl, and difficult dh etc, that I couldn't even give the cat a stroke when it wanted a bit of attention. Once or twice I just burst into tears at that very simple (and immediately rewarding) further demand - it was just too much.

Not much help with bedtime sorry - but does your dd like smarties or any sucky sweet?

Start a game with her - see who can make a single smartie/sucky sweet last as long as possible - talking's not allowed for the duration. (or a chunk of carrot if it's been a particularly hard day )

Set a timer going and build up to last a minute, two, five etc... (might have to give control of say 3 sweets to facilitate this longer time - but if there's any talking then any remaining sweets disappear, can only be eaten one at a time). Turn it into a challenge to beat her previous time

I know it's not much but if you have a non-stop chatterbox then having just a little break of silence in the middle of the day can help.

dd should like it as she gets a few sweets but by making them last as long as possible in silence then you get a few minutes for yourself (or she can go to eat them elsewhere where you can't hear if she does talk while eating so still a win).

I know, I know, sweets are bad and all that - but sometimes they can be used to your advantage. And I'm not advocating eating loads of the things - just one or a few for a few minutes respite.

I learnt this trick a long time ago - my mum used to keep a box of smarties in the car for me and my sis to have competitions with on long journeys!

I love silence. My 3 year old follows me around the house talking. If I ever get away, within 3 minutes, its 'mummy where aaaaaare you?'. Constantly. There is a really nice book called, 'Five minutes peace' which i read to him sometimes about a mummy elephant with 3 clingy children. Occasionally, when i have escaped from him, i hear him calling, 'MUMMY do you want 5 minutes peace from me?' Its very cute, ( and completely accurate).