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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to sit in silence every evening? E

65 replies

Moomoomango · 07/04/2016 20:26

As soon as kids are in bed I have nothing left of me to give.. I spend all day answering my 4 year olds questions / requests / demands / whines and moans and my 1 year olds occasional whimper for attention, which I'm desperately trying to give him because my 4 year old needs to know everything about everything . In the evening I can't bare the thought of talking or more truthfully listening. I go to bed and sit in silence. Aibu? Should I make more of an effort to be a human or is the quest for silence a normal thing?

OP posts:

justdontevenfuckingstart · 07/04/2016 21:51

I would love to be on my own every evening. I don't want to talk to anyone. I like being on my own. I do it about twice a week. Different situation cos I have teenagers with their boyfriends. Luckily oh understands so tonight the kids are out and when I say I want to be on my own he's fine. Know where you're coming from. Communication is key, my oh is completely different and needs time cuddled up so we make sure we get that too.

LadyIncuntliaButtock · 07/04/2016 22:16

I love getting in the car and driving in complete silence when I need a break, especially when every day is filled with endless yapping.

Sanchar · 07/04/2016 22:21

I'm like this too.

Luckily for me dh, who has aspergers, is more than happy spending the evening holed up in his office doing his work or hobbies, leaving me in peace to knit and read.

Minshu · 07/04/2016 22:29

YANBU I only have one child, and feel totally aggrieved when the cat demands attention after DD is in bed! DH is quiet enough to be no trouble

Gwenci · 07/04/2016 22:49

I was going to write almost this exact post tonight OP so massive YANBU from me.

It's not so much the silence I need - I'm happy to have the tv on (if it's not Paw Patrol or Peppa it's a novelty!) or let DH chat away while I nod occasionally but it's the physical space.

My DC are 2.5 and 1 and I don't get a minute to myself. Like you OP, I feel like by the end of the day I don't have anything left to give. I know DH is starting to get frustrated with me but I'm running on empty. It's not just you.

yarpyarp · 07/04/2016 22:51

Totally with you on this.. I can feel myself glazing over and thinking 'please please for the love of God, stop talking'

MissSmiley · 07/04/2016 22:54

Oh the joy of putting the kids to bed and feeling exhausted but alone. Wait until they are older and go to bed after you of at the same time. You never get a minute to yourself. The Easter 'holidays' are exhausting. I just want to be on my own for a while...in silence! Oh and I'm an extrovert.

DataColour · 07/04/2016 23:01

Yanbu.

VenusInFauxFurs · 07/04/2016 23:02

I was a single parent when my daughter (just the one!) was this age. I am so glad I wasn't expected to talk to anyone most evenings after she went to bed.

Eminado · 07/04/2016 23:17

If you have an OH it's a bit off. Trust me I often feel the same way but always make the effort to chat

I know I should make the effort but I just can't - nothing left in the tank.

kelper · 07/04/2016 23:22

My younger DS can talk the hind leg off a donkey, Its draining. He's at his grannies this week.
The older one came in earlier, sat watching tv with me for a bit, then buggered off out.
DH was out. I sat in silence. Twas amazing.
I even drove my car with no music earlier which wasn't that good as I realised I could hear the beginnings of a poorly wheel bearing

Xmasbaby11 · 07/04/2016 23:27

Dh is an introvert and feels very much like this. I am much more of an extrovert but I still have evenings like this. Dc are 2 and 4 and they are relentless! I'm either at work or with the dc until daytime, so by their bedtime I often just want to sit in a room doing nothing. Dh and I do spend a lot of time chatting, depends on how we're feeling.

Salfordlass · 07/04/2016 23:38

This has really resonated with me. I have four kids and feel exactly the same. I don't even bother if I seem rude anymore, me and dp been together a while - I can't stand the noise of the tv programmes he wants to watch of an evening so often just go up to read. I've realised I am much more of a thinker than a speaker (although I'm very vocal when I need to be) I think as you get a bit older you recognise and accept more and more aspects of your personality and feel OK with them. I would've been mortified to be described as quiet or introverted when I was younger as I wanted to seem 'bubbly' and 'fun' - but now I realise it's actually a lot to do with being at peace with yourself and your own thoughts. I sometimes think being on a desert island alone would be bliss(although I'm sure I'd miss the kids chatter after a bit) I don't have the need for meaningless chit chat and yakking most of the time. I can't actually stand being around loud, gobby people I find people like that so self absorbed. The kids can be very loud and boisterous and my 12 yr old in particular is like a walking factoid and repeats these over and over (i obviously act interested but it drives me mad sometimes!). When u have kids u have to completely change yet you are still the same personality as before so it's been very hard for me, a person who likes their own space to read, be alone with their thoughts, to adjust to the constant hubbub of family life. But I'm so used to it now it's sometimes weird if they're all not home for some reason. The youngest starts school in sept and I don't know what I'm gonna be like!

Salfordlass · 07/04/2016 23:43

Agree about the music too, I used to be such a muso before kids but now I can't stand it most of the time would rather have silence.
Also, one of my fave quotes of all time: "parents do not care about whether it is fair or not, parents care only about peace and quiet"

AdriftOnMemoryBliss · 07/04/2016 23:47

not unreasonable. my eldest has ASD and ADHD and talks NON STOP from 5.30am until i put him to bed at 7.30.

After 14hrs of RABBIT RABBIT RABBIT i am murderous for the first hour and beyond asking me if i want chocolate or alcohol, no-one is allowed to speak!

Eminado · 07/04/2016 23:48

Salford i completely agree about having to be "someone else" all day long - totally agree!

DistanceCall · 08/04/2016 00:04

You do know that it's all right to say "no" to children now and then, I hope. Or "I don't know, darling". Or "I can't play with you/do that right now".

guerre · 08/04/2016 00:44

Thank you, Spankhurst, I have just ordered Sara Maitland's book

Now for some silence

DiscoGlitter · 08/04/2016 00:56

I have two school age children, am a SAHM, and still feel like this sometimes at the end of the day.
I love them all dearly, but with a shift working husband who's at home most of the day, or when he isn't, the kids are at home, there's always someone in the house at any one time demanding my attention.
When it comes to evening time and the smalls are in bed, excuse me if I seems rude but I'm going to Mumsnet or play 'chick' dvds as I need some me time!
Always have loved my own company as well, always will.

RuthyToothy · 08/04/2016 01:04

YANBU OP. Don't expect extroverts to understand these matters - bunch of wierdos. What a shame they wrote the rules on socialising and expect others to follow them!

YES! Every time there's a thread in which introversion crops up someone alludes to introverts being stand-offish, or aloof, or not making an effort to be adequately sociable.

I guess when 75% of the world dances to your tune it's hard to recognise that your way isn't absolutely everybody else's way.

MissTurnstiles · 08/04/2016 01:13

Could you try to build some constructive silence into your evening once DH is home? It might refresh you. Maybe a yoga class, or a walk somewhere peaceful now that the evenings are lighter.

MistressDeeCee · 08/04/2016 01:36

What on earth is this silly introvert vs extrovert battle that has developed round here lately? Its silly pointscoring popping up on different threads, the need to win is mighty in some people, honestly.

OP YANBU at all I felt the same when DCs were younger - however still being with ex DH at the time, I compromised and made an effort. Its not nice to have your partner "switch off on you". Mind you he was an "there has to be noise if not TV then music, sometimes at the same time..!" person which drove me nuts, so I did have a cut off point. DCs make your head full. Its relentless and tiring so of course you need to wind down from that. I have moments when I love going out, listening to music etc too but equally I have moments where I treasure peace and silence - I want to read, or rest, even just daydream

In your shoes I would make an effort. This kind of thing can cause you to grow apart. The only aspect where I think YABU is in not compromising re. chill out time/chat with DH but its not an impossible situation to resolve (have your cut off point tho!)

GraysAnalogy · 08/04/2016 01:42

I guess when 75% of the world dances to your tune it's hard to recognise that your way isn't absolutely everybody else's way
But it's also understandable that if you've got a partner who's not an introvert then their needs need to be considered too don't you think?

I'm the same sometimes. If I've had a bad day at work I need a rant, then a cuddle then just a bit of quiet.

But I know that I'm in a relationship and it's not fair to expect these things just like that. After the cuddle we will sit and talk for a bit. But then Im lucky because my partner does his own thing and I can just have peace and quiet (bar our dog). I'm very lucky IMO

oldlaundbooth · 08/04/2016 01:45

God I totally get this.

I'm often seen to be saying 'All I want to to do is sit in silence and stare at the wall!'.

We all have waaaaay too much stimulation all the time, silence is golden.

GraysAnalogy · 08/04/2016 01:55

I agree about stimulation.

One night I decided to just turn my phone off, not switch on the tv, and just have a bath and read a simple book.

It was lovely.

I find sometimes that even getting a few notifications from a game, someone commenting on my status or random emails gets me a bit... not stressed but just feeling like I'm being demanded. it was nice to have nothing. Was not nice turning my phone on the next day.

We are far too connected to each other sometimes. I hate how people think that if they message me I HAVE to reply. I see people posting things on facebook (not about me) about 'I know you've seen my message facebook/whatsapp tells me!!'
SO?? Why must someone be at your constant bec and call?

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