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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who is being U - me or DM?

45 replies

Ilovenannyplum · 07/04/2016 06:46

I got engaged a couple of years ago, getting married later this year (yay!) when we got engaged, from we just got a card in the post and a quick congratulations from DM and that was it. No fuss. That was fine, was happy with that.

My lovely lovely sister got engaged a couple of days ago and I'm super happy for her. Her new fiancé is lovely. And honestly I'm chuffed for her.
Now.
DM has decided to hire out a pub and throw them an engagement party, lots of gushing fb and texts about how amazing it'll be and what a fabulous couple they are, oohs they'll get lots of cards & presents etc etc.

AIBU to feel a bit put out? Nobody asked if we wanted a party (I hadn't even considered it to be honest) or even a meal or anything to celebrate. But my DM is going all out to throw them a party.
I can't help but feel a bit meh that DM has treated us both so differently.

As a side note, I'm not jealous of my sister at all, honestly honestly really happy! I don't even really care that they're having a party it's just bothered me that DM is making a big fuss when she didn't care about us when we were in the same situation a couple of years back.

Do I need to just get over it? Confused

OP posts:
CoraPirbright · 07/04/2016 06:48

Has she always treated you differently (golden child/the other one)?

LindyHemming · 07/04/2016 06:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

curren · 07/04/2016 07:03

Did your mum offer to throw her a party, or did she mention it and your mum offered to pay.

My dbro is the golden child. Gets all sorts of fuss. However he always asks. I would rather stick pins in my eyes than have a party for me. So mum would never offer.

I am quite independent, I won't ask to borrow money or ask for something to be paid for. Probably in part because dbro takes the piss (not saying your sister takes the piss).

I get annoyed with my brother and his wife, because as adults and parents they can't do anything without asking my mum or her mum to contribute financially in some way.

But I don't get annoyed or upset at my parents for it. I know if I asked for the same it would be there.

I can't even bring myself to tell them what I want for my birthday, when they ask. But that's my issue.

ExpandingRoundTheMiddle · 07/04/2016 07:13

Are you living with your fiance? What about your sister and her partner? Does DM like your fiance?

Original poster
Ilovenannyplum · 07/04/2016 07:27

She did not ask for a party, she got engaged abroad and she flies home today. She knows nothing about it. She'll be bombarded with a million texts when she lands. Lucky her Grin

We have an odd relationship with DM, we hardly see her despite us always asking to meet up. We both moved out when we were quite young but we haven't moved particularly far away.
My sister is the middle child, we have a younger sister too, snd I would consider the youngest to be the golden child.

And yes, she likes my fiancé!

I kind of feel this is all a show for DM's friends and Facebook. She's not planning on inviting any of our family (lots of step this and step that, would be awkward) or the groom to be's family ("they'll arrange their own party") so just my sister and BIL to be's friends.

This just screams car crash at me Confused

OP posts:
leelu66 · 07/04/2016 07:34

YANBU. It does sound like it's for your DM's friends benefit.

Is your sister's fiance rich perhaps? Some people do give more attention to well off people.

Original poster
Ilovenannyplum · 07/04/2016 07:37

She did not ask for a party, she got engaged abroad and she flies home today. She knows nothing about it. She'll be bombarded with a million texts when she lands. Lucky her Grin

We have an odd relationship with DM, we hardly see her despite us always asking to meet up. We both moved out when we were quite young but we haven't moved particularly far away.
My sister is the middle child, we have a younger sister too, snd I would consider the youngest to be the golden child.

And yes, she likes my fiancé!

I kind of feel this is all a show for DM's friends and Facebook. She's not planning on inviting any of our family (lots of step this and step that, would be awkward) or the groom to be's family ("they'll arrange their own party") so just my sister and BIL to be's friends.

This just screams car crash at me Confused

OP posts:
hesterton · 07/04/2016 07:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Ilovenannyplum · 07/04/2016 07:42

Randomly posted twice? Sorry Blush

No he's not rich, just a normal nice bloke.

My DM thinks I'm jealous, I need to get her to understand that I'm not in the slightest but she's just not getting it. Aaarrrgghh!

OP posts:
ExpandingRoundTheMiddle · 07/04/2016 07:44

Could you ask her directly why she's decided to have a party for DSis?
Yes utter car crash.

Original poster
Ilovenannyplum · 07/04/2016 07:44

She can't see that she's treating us differently and that's why I'm upset.

She's decided I'm jealous and that's why I'm upset.

It's like talking to a wall with her.

OP posts:
ExpandingRoundTheMiddle · 07/04/2016 07:45

X post sorry.

RuggerHug · 07/04/2016 07:51

Do you think maybe in her head since your sister lives abroad this is how her (your sisters) friends can all meet up to celebrate in one go while she's back? Where as yours can meet up individually with you for drinks or something? Could be way off but that's the kind of logic I can imagine some people having.

Original poster
Ilovenannyplum · 07/04/2016 07:55

Sorry rugger, I perhaps didn't make that very clear, she's on holiday at the moment (somewhere very tropical, the most amazing proposal!) and she's flying home from that today. She lives 15 mins away from my mum, I live 40 mins away

OP posts:
hesterton · 07/04/2016 07:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

QuiteLikely5 · 07/04/2016 08:05

Oh dear she isn't inviting his family? Now that imo is very bad!

Why isn't she? That's just rude!

honeylulu · 07/04/2016 08:13

My mum is like this and it's definitely a golden child/scapegoat thing. I won't bore you with the long history of occasions of this kind but the latest is that she is organising a big 40th birthday party for my sister later this year, even though sister says she doesn't want a fuss, because "it's a big celebration". I had my 40th a while back. No party organised (or even suggested) for me. Now the same happens with my sister's children (huge fuss of birthdays, school plays/prizes, special days out. I sometimes think she wouldn't notice if mine vanished into thin air.)
When I've raised it politely it gets brushed if with "oh I didn't think you'd want a party etc". If I've pushed it I get "why do you always have to be so difficult and demanding? It's a pleasure to do things for [sister's name] as she doesn't expect it".

Does this sound familiar OP? If yes, then I sympathise. It's crap. If I sound bitter, than that's because I AM!

AugustaFinkNottle · 07/04/2016 08:14

Even if you were jealous, can she not explain why she's doing a party for your sister but didn't for you?

HazyMazy · 07/04/2016 08:14

Sorry, but I suspect DM is a snob and the new fiancée is something unusual workwise, or something, so DM can say 'look what a catch my DD has made'. Also the flying back from somewhere exotic might be part of that too.

Or she realizes she missed a chance to show off with your engagement and her friends have done this so she is keeping up appearances.
Or
Is it long since your engagement - has FB come into DM's life since then and she sees an opportunity for lots of showing off family pics?

Either way it's pretty thoughtless but I would ignore. I wouldn't thank anyone for a one sided party like this.

RuggerHug · 07/04/2016 08:15

ilovenannyplum Ah I see. I took that completely wrong. Then I haven't a notion why, sorry!

MyLocal · 07/04/2016 08:15

YANBU, I would push the point yo feelings honest, I would ask mum why the different treatment, and if she tried to put it back to you with suggestions of jealousy I would calmly explain, no mum I am delighted for her, I just genuinely am curious why the different treatment.

If she can't answer you have yours, she probably wasn't on FB as much then as she is now, and therefore she is competing with her FB friends and aquaintances and showing off. Seems very much about her and not your sister!

HazyMazy · 07/04/2016 08:16

Often these favourite child things are a carrying on of their own childhoods. Investigate their childhoods.

lem73 · 07/04/2016 08:16

Imagine not inviting the fiance's family! How weird.

Original poster
Ilovenannyplum · 07/04/2016 08:17

My sister is already pretty close to her soon to be MIL. I think my mum doesn't really like this. When enquiring as to why she wasn't inviting them, I was told that they would arrange their own party.

I'm pretty sure when my own DS gets married, if his bride to be family were arranging an engagement party, I'd like to go.

Thanks Hesterton, I'll join you with a glass bottle at this rate of wine Wink

My step dad (now divorced from my mum) and I are going to arrange to go for a celebratory meal with my DS & fiancé at her favourite restaurant with our partners & my DS. Neither of us want to get involved with this disaster.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ilovenannyplum · 07/04/2016 08:23

Thanks all, I feel better to know I'm not being completely irrational. I'm genuinely not jealous, I'm excited to wedding plan at the same time as her, she's my best friend Smile just a bit annoyed with my mums behaviour.

Re Facebook, she's had it for a while. Her fave thing to do is to save pictures I've posted of DS and repost them but leave any with me in out to make it look like she's with him which I find really weird but I've let it go to save another argument. That's strange right?

Sisters landed and going through security so I give it approx 30 mins before it kicks off

OP posts:
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