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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Who is being U - me or DM?

45 replies

Ilovenannyplum · 07/04/2016 06:46

I got engaged a couple of years ago, getting married later this year (yay!) when we got engaged, from we just got a card in the post and a quick congratulations from DM and that was it. No fuss. That was fine, was happy with that.

My lovely lovely sister got engaged a couple of days ago and I'm super happy for her. Her new fiancé is lovely. And honestly I'm chuffed for her.
Now.
DM has decided to hire out a pub and throw them an engagement party, lots of gushing fb and texts about how amazing it'll be and what a fabulous couple they are, oohs they'll get lots of cards & presents etc etc.

AIBU to feel a bit put out? Nobody asked if we wanted a party (I hadn't even considered it to be honest) or even a meal or anything to celebrate. But my DM is going all out to throw them a party.
I can't help but feel a bit meh that DM has treated us both so differently.

As a side note, I'm not jealous of my sister at all, honestly honestly really happy! I don't even really care that they're having a party it's just bothered me that DM is making a big fuss when she didn't care about us when we were in the same situation a couple of years back.

Do I need to just get over it?

OP posts:

lem73 · 07/04/2016 08:24

Maybe she's trying to organise a fab engagement party to get 'one up' on your dsis's MIL?

Greyponcho · 07/04/2016 08:32

Yikes!! This could backfire on her - the message she'll be giving is "I'm happy for my daughter but I don't care about her fiancé/his family enough to bother with them & have excluded them from this celebration". Ouch.
As if they'd go throwing a second engagement party, it would just smack of being grabby and such may be seen to not bother, which again could be hurtful to the fiancé.
How awful for them that your DM has put them in this position.

RebootYourEngine · 07/04/2016 08:34

I agree with lem

StrictlyMumDancing · 07/04/2016 08:40

Sounds a bit like your DM is quite self centred and doesn't like the relationship your DSis has with her STBMIL. Especially with the FB photo thing. None of this is about you/your DS/your DSis. Its about your DM. And you're pointing out the difference is completely unreasonable to her world view - your engagement clearly brought her no benefit.

Kerberos · 07/04/2016 08:48

I agree with Lem too.

Perhaps the whole idea has come about because of your BIL2B family organising a party?

chillycurtains · 07/04/2016 09:02

If your DM is picking and choosing the guest list for a party that isn't actually for her then I would just be really grateful that you didn't have one thrown by her. I really would just go out and enjoy your meal and forget about this party. It seems very much like it is for your DM and not your DSis at all. Your DSis could be in for a big headache from her in-laws to be now since your DM is excluding them. I have never heard of the two sets of parents having seperate parties. It is completely missing the point of celebrating the union of two people and two familes.

Cornishclio · 07/04/2016 10:21

Sounds a bit strange to organise an engagement party and not invite the future grooms' parents/family. Does your mum and dad still get on even though divorced? Sounds as if it is all a bit for show and she is a bit insecure about your sister having a good relationship with her ILs.

My youngest daughter got engaged abroad a few years ago and married a year later. DH took the view as it was not a long engagement and they were already living together we would rather give them the money towards their wedding/new house than pay out for an engagement party so we did not even offer it just took them out for a celebratory meal. I think they did the same with my SIL parents. It seems to me if a party is planned it should include both sides. Has your mum helped with the cost of your wedding or got involved with the planning etc?

mrsfrazzled · 07/04/2016 10:40

Ugh I hate family stuff like this, my younger brother has always been the golden child in our family ( well in my opinion anyway!), he's always taken to fancy restaurants when he goes and visits parents, always has his birthday celebrated etc. I try and just suck it up now, he doesn't have children and I do and they are now my family.

OP, you said that your DSis is close to her future MIL? Could it be that your DM is trying to get more popular?

MaxPepsi · 07/04/2016 10:44

How long has your mother been on Facebook?

Was she on it or fairly new to it when you got engaged?

AlpacaLypse · 07/04/2016 10:44

Never mind the engagement party, that thing with reposting photos DS excluding ones of you on FB is SERIOUSLY WEIRD!

ceebie · 07/04/2016 10:49

YANBU. However, in a weird way, you might have got the better deal by NOT having a fuss made of you, than being thrown a party to which your DP's family were not invited! At least you're free to throw your own parties in the way that you would want. Whilst your DM is being unfair, I rather suspect that not being the focus of her attention might be preferable to the car crash that she is organising.

ceebie · 07/04/2016 10:51

Do you think she trying to compete with the future MIL?

JapaneseSlipper · 07/04/2016 10:56

No, that's weird. It's a shame your mother has gone down the "you're just jealous" route, how irritating.

If it comes up again, and she says it again, be sure to shake your head, smiling, say "I'm not jealous of her mum, and you know it." Follow it up with something like "but I am offended that you are treating us so differently. I'm surprised you can't understand that." Calm, firm, as if speaking to a child. At least it'll piss her off.

SeaCabbage · 07/04/2016 11:02

So did you actually say to your mother, "How come when I got engaged, you gave me a card, and when DSis gets engaged you give her a party?" in a very clear way?

I think you had a lucky escape mind.

KatharinaRosalie · 07/04/2016 11:17

When you say 'Mum, I'm very happy for sister. I was just wondering why you are now organising a party for her, but never offered to do it for me', what does she reply? She can't deny the facts, can she`?

Original poster

Ilovenannyplum · 07/04/2016 13:15

I've spoken to my sister about this, she categorically does not want a party and she was horrified about BIL to be's family being left out.
They're hoping to get married next year so don't feel they're having a long enough engagement to warrant a party.
I'm not sure if DM knows about this yet. I'm sure she won't be happy but their wedding, their decision.

So had she actually spoken to my sister, this whole mess/ argument could have been avoided.

OP posts:

LagunaBubbles · 07/04/2016 13:23

And engagement party where only one half of the couples relatives are there? That is so bizarre!

Cornishclio · 07/04/2016 13:46

Not sure what mother would organise an engagement party without even checking it was ok with the couple being married let alone posting on FB about it. Strange woman.

Original poster

Ilovenannyplum · 07/04/2016 13:48

She's bonkers

OP posts:

ExpandingRoundTheMiddle · 07/04/2016 16:17

Just caught up with this. If I were your sister I'd be livid if my DM did this. How appallingly rude not to invite her fiance's family! Your poor sister having to put up with that. Point her this way and we'll give her advice about boundaries.

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