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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To worry about what ds eats with other people?

68 replies

Ivegotyourgoat · 05/04/2016 16:38

My ds (8), has a really sweet tooth and a general love of food. I'd say he can eat way more than I could at his age. He is genuinely a healthy weight.

I'm conscious of weight because I know he'd eat an unlimited amount of crisps/chocolate etc if allowed. I don't deny any foods but I try to keep track in my mind what junk food he's had.

When he was younger 3-4 years old my mum would look after him and I realised she was literally plying him with food. She'd give him a roast dinner or chips and beans and bread, then a cheese sandwich, then she'd have a large corner type yoghurt, a cornetto, a slice of cake, all in the space of a couple of hours, he'd come home with stomach ache.

If we stopped by briefly she'd make him cheese on toast even if we'd eaten.

After much discussion she reluctantly stopped. Now it's my in laws that doing it, example he was with them he had a packet of crisps, a Belgian bun, a crunchie bar and a chocolate muffin.

I went to my sisters and he'd had a jam tart and I was in the kitchen she'd given him a large bag of popcorn.

We visited a friend and he was given two buttons yoghurt deserts, crisps, an ice cream and a meal that would have fed two.

Just for context my idea of a normal days diet would be something like porridge, snack of a banana, lunch a sandwich/eggs on toast, apple and maybe some crisps then evening meal of spag bol/roast dinner/chicken potato and salad maybe a pudding like a yoghurt or fruit.

Everyone thinks it's a big joke and laughs that he loves sweets or where does he put it.

Surely it's not normal for friends and family to ply children with all that? It's got where I can't test him myself to an ice cream at the park if we are visiting anyone.

It's really hard to be assertive especially when people just hand him cakes without even checking with me first.

OP posts:
TalkMeDownPlease · 05/04/2016 18:34

Do you have conversations about healthy/unhealthy foods with DS? Not obsessively, but just general chat about how we shouldn't eat too much of certain types of food? So that he can start to become a bit more aware of what is good for his body and what isn't.
I am no expert, but I am very conscious of not referring to food being 'good' or 'bad' (not saying you do this btw), I actually have a poor relationship with food due to being put on a diet aged 12 and getting stuck in a yoyo diet pattern.
I just try with my boys to let them know that nothing is forbidden, but some things should be eaten more than others.
Eldest DS is a little bit chubby, but I have never drawn attention to it, just had the discussions over time, and he is starting to get it....today for example we've been to London for the day, eaten lots of crap!, and he's just made himself a fruit salad without any suggestion from me, because he knows he's not eaten terribly well today.
Don't know if that helps regarding your family, I too would be annoyed in your situation, but I think developing awareness and giving some control to DS is part of the answer.

Gatehouse77 · 05/04/2016 18:37

My youngest is by far my 'best' eater in that she'll eat almost everything. After having a fussy no.1 (no longer, yay!) and no.2 who just isn't really interested in food (was still spoon feeding her sometimes at 6/7 years old became otherwise she wouldn't eat) and incredibly self-disciplined.

I think I over indulged no.3 and let her eat more than she needed and now she is overweight. We've had lots of chats about making the right choices and accepting that she (and I) are different to the others (including DH) and can't eat the same things/amount as them.

It fucking hard to see your child struggle. It has made me feel like a crap parent at times. It can be demoralising.

BUT she is doing so well (much better than me!) and is steadily losing weight. I'm so proud of how well she's done.

We don't demonise food but go down the 'everything in moderation' route.

Absofrigginlootly · 05/04/2016 18:39

There is nothing wrong with not wanting your kids to eat shit on a weekly basis.

^^this.

Honestly, that is alot of junk your DC is being given by people supposed to love and care for your child. People bury their heads in the sand as far as junk food and the link with diabetes, heart disease, bowel disease, cancer etc. Yes, yes marathon running vegans still get cancer etc.... But not at the same rate and I think the UK has some seriously f'k up attitudes towards food.

By trying to make consciously healthy choices for your DC you're labelled as some kind of uptight food nazi rather than just looking out for your children's health.

YANBU

malloo · 05/04/2016 19:12

YANBU. I agree that there needs to be a bit of leeway with grandparents but if they're seeing them every week I think you need to speak up. It worries me that despite the obesity epidemic you still get treated like some sort of miserable health freak for wanting to restrict sweets and other sugary fatty stuff. I don't ban it but I do talk to my kids about why it's better to eat actual food rather than sweets etc. Mine are both pretty good at self regulating but only up to a point, they're normal kids and they like sweet stuff! Even adults find it hard to stop eating sweets/ crisps etc so I think you have to give kids a bit of help to understand the difference between being hungry and just wanting something nice. Good luck OP.

Janecc · 05/04/2016 19:14

I wasn't trying to be holier than thou. Just telling you what I do to try to mitigate. If DD was happy with school meals and choosing the healthier options, I would be happy for her to have it.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 05/04/2016 19:29

You could always have a dentist visit then tell everyone that the dentist says he needs to limit sugar/snacks. Takes the pressure off you Smile

Janecc · 05/04/2016 19:31

Like ur thinking damediazepam

waterrat · 05/04/2016 19:33

Yanbu. There is an absolutely insane attitude to junk food and sweets in not just British culture but many countries around the world
The uk has a child obesity crisis and a diabetes crisis because people simply cannot see the tide of unnecessary crap that children are being given

It's incessant and it's everywhere and you should be much firmer in setting rules that he only eats treats once a week or so.

Ivegotyourgoat · 05/04/2016 19:46

I definitely do talk to him about food. I believe that they do it at school too.

I try not to make it a big thing or demonise foods and just go with an everything in moderation approach. Nothing is banned, I don't do feeling guilty for having a dessert (just not 6) but he's definitely aware which foods are better for you and which can rot your teeth. He's clued up about what's homemade and what's not too.

Unfortunately he just doesn't seem to have any self control in the moment of being offered.

His relationship with food is a whole other thread really, he's a child who could come out of a restaurant having just had a big lunch and ask what's for dinner he's starving, when reminded we've literally just eaten he will be like "oh yeah". I don't know whether it's just the way he is or whether it's a habit that's been created.

From the age of about 2-5 he used to spend a LOT of time at my mums because he loved going and she loved having him so much, but she'd sit him on her bed having recorded all his favourite CBeebies or on the computer bringing him platefuls of bread and butter, cake, biscuits, chips then she'd send him out in the car with sandwiches in foil and chocolate for later. I wonder if it came from that. I don't really know why I let it go on other than she would get hurt, eventually we had it all out and she reigned it in massively. Yet now my in laws have started doing similar.

OP posts:
Ivegotyourgoat · 05/04/2016 19:49

I like the idea of that dentists orders.

OP posts:
Ivegotyourgoat · 05/04/2016 19:53

I'm not sure whether it's the best thing to do but I have started to remind ds what he's had, so when he asks for a chocolate bar I'll remind him that he's already had one and say "that's probably enough for today", usually he's accepting of that once reminded.

OP posts:
Janecc · 05/04/2016 19:59

DD is also a carboholic. That's why I try to limit carbs and encourage protein, veg and fruit. It's really really hard though and only works some of the time. It was better when she was "addicted" to eggs. She complains that her friends go to school with a packet of crisps, a sandwich and a chocolate bar in their packed lunch boxes. Her school doesn't monitor lunch boxes as some others do. Grrrr. Feel your pain op.

waterrat · 05/04/2016 20:01

Gosh your mum's attitude to food sounds very unhealthy

Janecc · 05/04/2016 20:07

Yes my mother bitches DD doesn't get enough "bulk" (she means carb). Then bitches again because she has too much sugar. Whilst buying her sweets and chocolate. Clueless.

Comeonmommy · 05/04/2016 20:29

I had the same issue with mil. The amount of chocolate and cake being given to my dg's was amazing!!! I've no idea how they weren't sick!!

In the end I had to say no thank you when she went to hand them chocolate and remind both of them before we went round that mummy and daddy have to say yes before they could have any. My girls are very good and will come through and say nanny wants us to have a massive slice of chocolate cake minutes before a roast dinner a treat - something quite satisfying in catching nanny out!!!! Mil doesn't like it but she is learning and I have also learnt to let a little bit go - they are both so active and the rest of their diet is really good.

Ivegotyourgoat · 05/04/2016 20:53

Thanks it's so hard when family see things differently to you, or when their friends are bringing junk in their lunch boxes.

My ds would be the one piling his plate at a party and devouring the contents of his party bag before we've even left but in reality I've never banned anything. The only thing I've ever not allowed is coke.

I don't know why he's got no off button, but I do worry for him if he continues like he can.

OP posts:
NeedsAsockamnesty · 05/04/2016 22:11

cate

Unless the op is giving her child fairy sized portions, no drinks other than water and making that food in the lowest kcal way possible with no access to other fruit or occasional differences, then that diet is perfectly adequate for a child of his age.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 05/04/2016 22:15

This sounds very much like a whole bunch of adults who are influential in DS's life equating food and love.

The problem with trying to talk to the child about it is that the child is already learning from most of the trusted adults in their life that over eating crap is not only acceptable but to be encouraged and that it should be a source of amusement. The op sounds like she's almost a lone voice hiding with the feeders.

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