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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Or is this behaviour a bit odd?

41 replies

Misswrite89 · 04/04/2016 19:59

Ds is 6 months old. He is our first. As a bit of background I'm very that I'm what some might (and have) describe(d) as a "clingy" mum. I have not really spent anytime away from him apart from a full day on a training course for work. I missed him but I coped fine.

I digress. My "AIBU" relates to my SiL. I find her behaviour with my son a little odd. I find her a bit too "motherly" with him if that makes sense.

Some examples - when she comes around she takes him from my arms the moment she comes in and I won't get him back till she leaves. She will insist on feeding him if he's hungry and if he's tired she'll rock him to sleep and let him sleep on her. On top of this, she will constantly be in his face repeating comments over and over such as "I love you my baby" "my baby is so beautiful" "I just want to take my baby home" basically she refers to him as "her" baby and I just find the comments a bit OTT.

I don't know if I'm BU though. She clearly loves him which is lovely but I feel as though are tries to love him as a mother rather than an aunt? I have no sisters of my own and she is DH's only sister so I have nothing to compare this to?

Also, I have a friend who acts quite similar although there are no "my baby" comments thankfully. Basically when we meet up and go out for coffee she will hold DS the whole time (we have a few coffees so it's a probably 2-3 hours) and if I ask for him back (note - I feel unable to do this with SiL) she makes jokey comments about me being clingy. Most friends that I meet for coffee will take it in turns to hold DS, they'll hold Ds while I drink my coffee then we'll swap so no one is drinking their hot drink over him. But this friend drinks her hot drinks over him and then leans back in her chair and holds him the whole time while we talk. It's really hard to explain but I feel like if someone was looking in at the situation it would look like she is his mother. By contrast, other friends when they hold him will look at him and engage and talk to him etc but she just holds him casually while she talks, drinks and texts like he's her son. I know I'm probably being really unreasonable but I just find it a bit odd.

SIL and this particular friend are the only ones I find to be like this. I have lots of friends and family that we spend time with and the rest of them are completely normal, yes they hold him, cuddle him, they might even say they love him but not in this way that I can only describe as "motherly" and not motherly in the sense of kind/caring but almost possessive.

Anyway, I'm fully expecting to get flamed. I know I am probably BU but would anyone else find this behaviour odd?

OP posts:

Original poster

Misswrite89 · 04/04/2016 20:00

Oops - second line should say I'm very aware that.

OP posts:

Vintage45 · 04/04/2016 20:02

She sounds a bit gung-ho in her approach but not odd.

SaucyJack · 04/04/2016 20:05

Does she have kids of her own?

She sounds broody to me.

Trills · 04/04/2016 20:05

basically she refers to him as "her" baby and I just find the comments a bit OTT

I agree, that's annoying and a bit off.

MintyBojingles · 04/04/2016 20:06

Lots of people love baby cuddles and miss having a baby/long for their own baby so some of that can be excused. I'd find it irritating still if it was for hours! I do find the "my baby" talk weird though.

Does SIL have kids of her own?

grounddown · 04/04/2016 20:10

Maybe she thinks she is giving you a break by taking him from you? I was very clingy with my first and would of hated that too (with my second I would gladly hand him over )

WhatTheActualFugg · 04/04/2016 20:14

All that my baby talk is definitely odd.

I'd be included to respond with "if you try to take him I'll call the police and have you locked up for attempted kidnapping. Ha ha ha ha ha"

As for the sleeping on her, take him away and tell her you're getting him in a routine to make sure he doesn't sleep on the bottle / after a feed / anywhere other than in his cot.

However you do it, you need to take back control from this crazy woman. It'll only get worse otherwise.

Vintage45 · 04/04/2016 20:29

I read it as she's got a kid or two herself and being a bit of a person that thinks they're helping by taking over for you. If I'm right she's not some sort of baby snatcher.

Talking to the baby and saying "my baby" is just that. I often speak to my nieces baby like that due to us all being part of the family.

Original poster

Misswrite89 · 04/04/2016 20:35

She's definitely broody, she has two DC of her own but both teenagers now.

OP posts:

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 04/04/2016 20:35

Referring to him as 'my baby' is odd.

If anyone held onto my baby in such a way for hours on end and made me feel an irritant for wanting him back, well that'd piss me off too.

Don't take any nonsense off either of them.

JoyofSpring · 04/04/2016 20:36

YANBU

That sounds odd and if it makes you uncomfortable I would say something. At the very least you can say (holding out arms) "OK Mama needs a cuddle now" or something.
I'm quite forthright when it comes to things like this so I would possibly even say something more obvious. I would DEFINITELY say something about the friend drinking hot drinks over him. That is downright dangerous and makes me really twitchy. I would ask her to keep her drink away from him and joke about how when babies are around coffee / tea is always lukewarm! If she still did it I would ask her to hand him back and explain that it makes you nervous.

Ultimately he is your baby and he needs his Mummy and you need him. Physical contact is so important. Don't feel embarrassed to ask for him back - and who cares if they say you are clingy. To my mind you aren't being clingy at all - just doing what millions of years of evolution programme mothers to do!

TheBouquets · 04/04/2016 20:42

Might she be doing it because she is aware that you are a bit clingy with your baby and just doing it as a wind up with no sinister or weird intentions.

M00nUnit · 04/04/2016 20:42

The "my baby" thing is really not on. I'm an aunt and I adore my baby niece and love cuddling her but would never call her "my baby", because (a) she's not and (b) that would be extremely disrespectful to her mother (my sister)!

M00nUnit · 04/04/2016 20:43

I totally agree with what JoyOfSpring says above.

RaspberryOverload · 04/04/2016 20:47

Are you sure you're actually clingy? Or is it something said by these people to justify them holding onto your DC for so long?

Booboostwo · 04/04/2016 20:51

Your SIL does not sound well. Cuddling a baby, feeding it, letting it sleep on you, etc. are all fine if the parents look like they need a break but ignoring signals that the parent wants the baby too is odd. Calling him 'my baby' is just disturbing. Any reasonable person should be able to tell that this is not appropriate especially when she says she wants to take him home with her.

As for your friend tell her to give you your DS back. If she jokes about it, disparages you etc. get serious and tell her to give you DS back now. Don't give her DS again.

gingerbreadmanm · 04/04/2016 20:52

I'm always overstepping the mark in the same way as your sil so just wanted to add i just really love my nieces! Feel like i have to make the most of the time i do get to spend with them because when i'm away from them i miss them. They're very special to me and we are close.

I wouldn't take any offence whatsoever if i was told to step back a bit though. I can see how it is annoying and appreciate i arent their dm and neither would i want to be. Would hate to think i was treading on anyones toes or making them feel uncomfortable.

DustOffYourHighestHopes · 04/04/2016 20:54

"my baby" references - eugh. Back off biatch.

DecaffCoffeeAndRollupsPlease · 04/04/2016 20:57

Do not let anyone drink hot drinks over your baby, no one. Their skin is very fragile. My dd had grafts and years of treatment following an accident with a hot chocolate that was at drinkable temperature.

I would have been annoyed with someone holding my baby for a whole visit. Ask for him back as soon as you want him back.

QuiteLikely5 · 04/04/2016 21:02

She is coming from a place of love and so I don't think you should worry. Babies grow, develop and thrive on it!

You ought to relax when she takes over!

Yyy she's a bit ott but not in a bad way! Appreciate it is what I say

WonderingAspie · 04/04/2016 21:04

I've got 2nd nephews. I'd never refer to them as 'my baby' as they aren't and it would be weird. I'd be very pissed off if someone referred to my children as theirs and took them to the point I was afraid to ask for them back. Your SIL needs to reign it in and you need to tell her else it will only get worse. My SIL however didn't visit when we had DD, happened to see us at MILs one day and when asked by her DH if she wanted a hold, glanced over, said "nah" and went back to her magazine. I think I'd take mine over yours . At least mine isn't overbearing.

USERNAME213 · 04/04/2016 21:06

Maybe she is doing it to create a bit of separation between you and the baby as she thinks you're clingy? Not that that is justified but maybe the reason? Either that or she is broody.

KP86 · 04/04/2016 21:09

I have a friend like this, she can/does make me uncomfortable sometimes with the way she is with DS. I have heard her (accidentally) refer to herself as Mummy on more than one occasion. No kids herself. If I hadn't done it myself while looking after my nieces and nephews pre-baby days then I probably would have been a lot more freaked out.

But yes, I have tried to take him back when he was upset and she turned away from me!

I never raised it with her beyond 'joking' with a mutual friend that she wouldn't give him back. She's one of my best friends. Now that DS is at an age where he knows exactly who Mum is (and is talking) I doubt it will happen again as he would quickly correct her!

EvansAndThePrince · 04/04/2016 21:11

Nope I'd hate that, it's a total mother lioness thing, he's YOUR baby. Also, you are not clingy, you're normal.
A friend and I discussed this when our littlest were really little, we both hated the fact that's it seems to be socially unacceptable to say "give me my child back". I'm a bit blunt and would take her back when I wanted to, no excuses just took her back. Because she's my child...

EvansAndThePrince · 04/04/2016 21:14

I'm also lucky to have a proper mummies girl so she makes it very clear that she doesn't want to be approached by strangers. She's 1 and goes to people once she is comfortable with them but I don't rush her.

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