To be pissed off with partner about this?!

[babayjane67]

Our car broke down on is few days ago&is gonna cost too much to repair.
We've been very lucky a close relative has offered to help us out with some money to get one.'dp' wants to use it as a deposit to get a more expensive one.
He won't let me have any say on which car we get or help in finding one.refuses to go thru the papers etc has to be just from a garage.insists on doing it all himself cuz in his words 'I know more about cars than u do!'
I found out today that he's gone behind my back&registered online to get finamce&has been accepted.we have money probs&already have debts we're paying off&he hasn't discussed any if this with me!the person helping us out has done so cuz they don't want us to be going to any loan places!!
It isn't the first time he hasn't discussed things with me.it happens a lot.
We've been together 9yrs known him for 11& have a child together
Aibu??

If he knew you were talking to anyone about this he would "go mad."

Why on earth are you with him? He clearly has no respect for you, you say he is a loutish, entitled ingrate regarding presents and the like, he runs up debts - what is the upside of this relationship?

if he knew I was talking to anyone about this he'd go mad Red flag!

Of course he doesn't want you talking to people who can see how out of line he is.

You need to find out if your relative has given him the money yet, and if not would the relative be willing to be 'helpful' in choosing a car and insist in viewing and checking potential cars with him?

Be very careful with this. The money is being given for a specific purpose and to use the money for any other purpose could be thought to be some kind of wrong doing.
If you are allowing your relative, perhaps a parent, to give money to your DP and you know that DP is going to use that money for another purpose it could be the wrong thing not to try to persuade DP to stick to the original plan. It would be morally wrong to allow money from your relative to be abused.
You also mentioned that the relative said no rush to repay the money. This would mean that repayment is expected some point.
A check on the relatives account completed by DP would be evidence of the debt.
It is not wise to borrow money from friends and relatives, it mostly leads to a fall out.

So he is going to own the car and it will be in his name yet you will an one of your relatives money for it... (as well as finance)

I would be utterly fuming tbh.

My DH will not get involved in car buying but it is always discussed with him and with his agreement etc.

YANBU.
And IMHO not stopping you/your child having anything doesn't translate to not crap with money.

I never said it was gonna be a big 4 x4!
He was on about wanting a Zafira when i was trying to show him cars which are apparently not much bigger than the Corsa we've got now

We are not married&the house is in my name as I was living here before we met&he moved in
I do work pt yes at my child's school
I've just spoken to the relative involved&no money or chq has bin given to him yet

I hope you told them to hold it then. You need to talk this through with your partner, preferably before the night is out.

babay

I used the '4x4' only as a term. Do you know how much he intends to spend and how he's going to pay for the 'additionals'?

No idea on either!!

Then you have to talk to him.

I'm not talking to him at mo as im so pissed off with him!!
HEs very good in a lot of ways.
He takes our child swimming every wk&has had to walk down with her&get bus bk.it's half hrs walk down a hill
He gets all our shopping plus my elderly mums.puts her bins/recycling out every wk when I can't do it
Has helped my grown up kids quite a bit
BUT we don't talk bout anything really!he hates small talk has got slightly better with it.doesn't often laugh at the same things I do.I can be roaring my head off at something turn round to look at him&he's just looking blankly as if to say wtf are u laughing at!!!,???

Where are his relatives and friends in all of this by the way?

Yet he goes behind your back and arranges finance for a car when you're already struggling with money? He disregards your views - and not for the first time from what you've said?

They're nowhere! He's only told one of his relatives that cars broken down as far as I know.he hasn't taled to anyone else far as I know

He went behind your back on something which will affect you and your child and completely disregarding your views!

He has no friends really.he had few where he used to live but not what I'd call close friends.his 'best friend'disappeared aftrr he moved in with me
He hasn't made any new ones
Yea doesn't feel like my opinion ever counts on anything

I would suggest that you ask MNHQ to move this thread, perhaps to Relationships.

Personally I would do this -
Tell relative to cancel the cheque.
Tell the dp to fuck off. If he can grow up and see a relationship as a partnership he knows where I am. But I will not be dragged down into the pits of debt by him or any fucker.

And sorry but
Woopdedoo he takes his child swimming. And does the food shopping.. Here. A very slow hand clap for him

OP, genuine question here - you say he's good because he does perfectly normal chores you can name, which all parents and partners do if they aren't arses, along with a whole lot more.

Are you saying those are all he does? Presumably he works - is that fulltime? Apart from shopping and bins and the swimming once a week, what does he do?

And leaving all those practicalities aside... you say you don't talk. So what is there that makes it worth being with him? I mean, you are scared to tell him you've talked about this to anyone, you can't trust him with money, you don't have a shared sense of humour, you don't have shared attitudes to money, and you don't communicate. So, you know - what's left?

He hasn't made any friends in nine years?

If your relative is giving you this money with the express purpose of keeping you from acquiring more debt then they may be annoyed by his actions and want immediate repayment of their loan to you. Assuming it is a loan and not a gift. He could be heading for more debt than even he has planned for.

No he has a couple of acquaintances at work but no real friends.
He works ft&does all/any overtime he can get.
He cuts the grass,washes wipes up on a Sat morn&most days when he's off&every Sunday when I do a roast,but when I've asked him to do it any other day when he's bon working he acts like I've asked him to cut his right arm off!! I make his sarnies every day for work cuz he can't be assed to do them.himself&if I don't do them he goes without anything all day.
He puts our child to bed every nite mainly cuz child always wants him to
He mostly supervises childs bath/shower times again cuz child usuall wants him to.child mostly does it all now anyway.
As ive already said relative hasn't given him any money/chq yet.
I've tried to talk to him tonite asking him how much he's asking to borrow&what company he's using but just said duno to both questions.then made out I knew bout it all along&had a go at me for having a go at him earlier!he told me other day he was gonna use relatives money as a deposit but I didn't think for one min he was gonna go to a loan company&told him that tonite.he just said hiw the he'll did u think we were gonna pay fir it!!then he just said tell relative we don't want the money anymore I'lol bloody walk everywhere!!
I said bout my opinions never mattering&he just said yea it's all about u init!he just deflected it all bk onto me which is what he always does when I try to talk bout anything like this
Sorry this has turned out to be long