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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pissed off with partner about this?!

109 replies

babayjane67 · 04/04/2016 17:41

Our car broke down on is few days ago&is gonna cost too much to repair.
We've been very lucky a close relative has offered to help us out with some money to get one.'dp' wants to use it as a deposit to get a more expensive one.
He won't let me have any say on which car we get or help in finding one.refuses to go thru the papers etc has to be just from a garage.insists on doing it all himself cuz in his words 'I know more about cars than u do!'
I found out today that he's gone behind my back&registered online to get finamce&has been accepted.we have money probs&already have debts we're paying off&he hasn't discussed any if this with me!the person helping us out has done so cuz they don't want us to be going to any loan places!!
It isn't the first time he hasn't discussed things with me.it happens a lot.
We've been together 9yrs known him for 11& have a child together
Aibu??

OP posts:
KinkyAfro · 04/04/2016 18:32

Tell your relative not to hand over any money to him

Original poster
babayjane67 · 04/04/2016 18:33

He's not totally crap with money.he doesn't stop me or our child having anything.if he's got the money&I need/want something he will usually give me the money for it
It's the whole not talking to me about it/not letting me in on things that's really getting to me!!he never 'opens up' u the more I think about it the more I think he's already bin given the chq

OP posts:
Original poster
babayjane67 · 04/04/2016 18:38

I don't think he would put my name on the finance contract.I'm not worried about that

OP posts:
diddl · 04/04/2016 18:38

I also agree with telling the rellie not to bother.

What's the point when a loan is being taken out?

I'd be really pissed off if I offered money to someone for a car & they were so ungrateful because it wouldn't get them the standard of car that they wanted.

So yeah, I'd be letting them finance their own car!

LeaLeander · 04/04/2016 18:40

A) do not allow the relative to issue a check or cash to him, make sure it's to you only.

B) If he defies you do NOT sign any paperwork or be a party to any loan. You need to take a stand on this. OnlyTheStones is right - it's a symptom of a far larger problem.

RaptorInaPorkPieHat · 04/04/2016 18:40

Relative can cancel the cheque if needs be. I'd talk to the relative about it, I wouldn't be impressed if I was giving money so someone wouldn't get into debt and they go ahead with a loan on top.

Original poster
babayjane67 · 04/04/2016 18:43

Yea I think my relative will be quite mad/upset about it!
He is generally an ungrateful person.even when he gets bday or Christmas presents!there's never a thank u or there's a begrudging note to his voice if he does!my adult kids from a dif relationship have said it to me few times how ungrateful he is! The only ppl he properly says thanks to for anything is our child&my mum!

OP posts:
Binders1 · 04/04/2016 18:46

It's one thing not involving you in the decision making process on things, it's another when he is making bad decisions for the family which effect you i.e. putting your family in more debt. You say the debts are in both names, I assume this new finance agreement is in his name only? Is the money from the relative a 'gift' or are they lending you the money which will also need to be repaid?

Original poster
babayjane67 · 04/04/2016 18:51

Yes will only be his name on the debt. I won't be signing anything!!
Well when it was offered to us they said no need to pay it bk straight away.

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 04/04/2016 18:55

Sorry - your relative is sending a blank cheque which he might have got hold of?

Original poster
babayjane67 · 04/04/2016 18:57

Yes but he's said he only wants to use the min amount relative has said we can have NOT the max

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 04/04/2016 19:04

....he only 'wants'....

I'd contact the relative directly to find out if the cheque had been sent and to whom.

Original poster
babayjane67 · 04/04/2016 19:07

It would have been given to him as relative lives near us.they've said they'll give us a sum of money from so much to so much&dp has said he doesn't wanna use the max amount offered

OP posts:
sleeponeday · 04/04/2016 19:07

He's taking your relative's money on false pretences. Relative is not intending to buy your partner a flash car; the relative (a parent of yours?) is trying to help their child and grandchild avoid financial disaster.

Your partner is an entitled, greedy knobber. How fucking dare he take advantage of your relative in that way - who the hell does he think he is? And where is the concern for his own kid in this financial idiocy?

cozietoesie · 04/04/2016 19:09

PS - if you already have money problems and are repaying existing debts, how would he plan to pay a finance deal as well as accumulate funds to repay your relative?

sleeponeday · 04/04/2016 19:10

It isn't even as though you would ever get to drive it, and as he is sorting the finance and will be sole named driver I am presuming it will be in his name, so his asset, and your relative's very generous gift is in effect to your partner?

He shouldn't have accepted at all if he planned to get finance anyway. It's taking money by lies.

Vintage45 · 04/04/2016 19:13

YABU to put up with him.

cozietoesie · 04/04/2016 19:14

I'd be seeing a solicitor tomorrow morning. It's too much.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 04/04/2016 19:18

Please get the relative to put the cheque in your name, and tell your dp that you will NOT be handing it over unless you get your say on the car and the money is used to buy a car, not as a deposit.

cozietoesie · 04/04/2016 19:18

By the way, with a certain sort of person, not using the 'max' could mean shaving it by a few hundred pound. So if the relative - say - had given a range of two to five thousand, that sort of person might take 4.8k. Hey - it wasn't the 'max' though..........

Original poster
babayjane67 · 04/04/2016 19:19

No I agree he shouldn't have taken it at all if he was thinking of getting a bloody loan for the rest!!
I don't know how he's thinking of paying it bk as well ass our other debts! I know from July we will be 100quid a month better off as one debt will be paid up&we've saved a tenner on a bill monthly now that we don't need anymore BUT there's still a lot we're paying out!
Btw if he knew I was talking to anyone else about this he'd go mad!!

OP posts:
Original poster
babayjane67 · 04/04/2016 19:21

It's nowhere nr that amount!but I hear what you're saying

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 04/04/2016 19:23

Well you're not able to discuss things with him, apparently.

He may - in his heart of hearts - believe that the relative would either forgive the loan or pop their clogs to everyone's benefit. He may even think that all will be forgiven him when he arrives back with a big, flash 4x4.

Life doesn't work like that, I'm afraid.

cozietoesie · 04/04/2016 19:26

Well if it's nowhere near that amount, he's taken out a whopping big finance deal, I suspect. Do you realise how much big cars cost to buy and maintain - including insurance?

cozietoesie · 04/04/2016 19:29

Sorry - I just remembered that you're not married. Whose house is it again? And do you have you own employment? (I forget. )