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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dd insisting on a babysitter

56 replies

Dancergirl · 04/04/2016 12:43

I have 3 dds, aged nearly 15, 13 and 9. We've used babysitters up to about a year ago when we thought our oldest was sensible enough to babysit and she was happy doing so.

It sort of worked for a while but youngest dd would sometimes get very upset or anxious and we would have tearful phone calls from her - I really miss you, when you are coming home etc....

We had a chat with her about it and she says her older sisters get cross with her. This is exaggerated by the sounds of it, they might get a bit irritated by her insistence on calling us. Dd3 says she feels more comfortable with an adult babysitter so in the last few weeks that is what we have done.

But it seems a bit OTT to pay £25 to someone to sit there all evening. Older two don't particularly like having someone else there and can't understand why dd3 is being like this.

I just don't know, shall I put my foot down and say to dd this is how it's going to be and you'll stay with your sisters?

OP posts:
ridingabike · 04/04/2016 14:05

Occasional babysitting (when you would be in anyway) comes under general chores you do because you are part of the family

I disagree. Parents never ask their older kids if they want siblings, they just produce them, it's always about the parents, not the existing kids. Very different from helping out with tidying your bedroom, loading the dishwasher whatever.

So if you want them to look after them, you give them an incentive. That might be extra pocket money, the chance to go on a trip, a new mobile phone whatever. I don't mean for 30 minutes here and there while you nip out to the shops but if you are going for a night out I think it's different.

So for the OP I would either pay the 15 year old, or acquiesce to the 9 year old's wishes and get a "proper" babysitter. But obviously if you pay the 15 year old they have to act sensibly, no getting cross with the younger kids.

merrymouse · 04/04/2016 14:08

I think it depends as much on your 15 year old as your 9 year old. If the incentive of not having a babysitter isn't big enough to make them babysit your 9 year old in a fair and responsible way, then you need another babysitter.

I would pay the 15 year old, but then I would also pay for other household tasks too like cleaning the car and mowing the lawn - I know different families have different opinions about what to pay children for.

Original poster
Dancergirl · 04/04/2016 14:09

cozie and sexy I am talking about evening babysitting for 3 hours or so (most of which time dd3 should be in bed).

Oldest dd's theory is that the 3 of them together is sometimes the problem. I will leave dd3 with either older sister for the odd hour or half hour early evening time while I run around doing drop offs etc, and all is fine.

Dd3 CAN be quite anxious. She often can't sleep at night till quite late and worries about being the last one left awake. And she went through a phase of getting upset in shops if she lost sight of me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dancergirl · 04/04/2016 14:11

The problem with paying the 15 year old is that what do I about the 13 year old? She helps out too, might read to dd3 etc. So do I pay both of them?

OP posts:
merrymouse · 04/04/2016 14:12

Pay both of them if you think they are both babysitting.

Original poster
Dancergirl · 04/04/2016 14:13

riding my 15 year old does act sensibly. Obviously I am not there but she is generally very patient and wouldn't get cross unless dd3 is being naughty. She babysits for other people and is very good with young children.

OP posts:
merrymouse · 04/04/2016 14:16

You can also factor it into your general family finances so that you aren't just giving them more money, you are also asking them to take more responsibility for earning money to buy things.

BitOutOfPractice · 04/04/2016 14:17

I think it's DD3's anxiety that you need to focus on. That seems to be the problem to me

Original poster
Dancergirl · 04/04/2016 14:19

Yes that does worry me bit I have no idea WHY she is so anxious. She also seems very closely attached to me, I'm wondering if too much so....

OP posts:
cozietoesie · 04/04/2016 14:20

It's just that I've seen some family dynamics being amplified when parents weren't around, Dancer. That's why I asked.

WetLettuce123 · 04/04/2016 14:21

YABU. The dynamic between siblings (especially when parents not there) is not a fair one. The youngest obviously doesn't feel comfortable and therefore IMO you should have a babysitter. How often do you go out and leave them alone? It would be OK occasionally but IMO too much for a 15 year old regularly.

BitOutOfPractice · 04/04/2016 14:22

Well I would say that if she's not happy being apart from you at home with her own sisters for a couple of hours without phoning and getting upset, then it is too much at 10YO

I'd stop worrying about the older girls who sound perfectly happy with his set up and concentrate on that

BitOutOfPractice · 04/04/2016 14:23

I disagree WetLetuce. The dd3 is anxious in other situations, not juts this one. I think the babysitter thing is a red herring

howabouthisone · 04/04/2016 14:29

Why don't you pay all three of them an equal amount each if you can leave them all together alone.. then it is in all their interests to behave.

sn1ce · 04/04/2016 14:40

I wonder if the reason that yr youngest wants a babysitter is because she's lonely when you go out? Perhaps the older girls disappear to their rooms to chat to friends/watch tv and leave her to her own devices? Maybe she wants a babysitter as that person is paid to interact/play with her

MerryMarigold · 04/04/2016 14:41

I can sort of relate. I have a 10yo ds (the eldest) and he is very anxious. He is anxious full stop but freaks out if I suggest leaving him in the house for a few mins whilst I drop/ pick up ds2 from football (a 5min trip) or pop to the corner shop (also 5 min max). It means we all have to get ready and go out. I can imagine he would feel the same about staying in with older siblings that he didn't really see as 'adults'. Perhaps your dd is making up the issues or heavily exaggerating them as she doesn't feel safe, in which case paying either of your older dds to be more patient, will not really help. I would suggest that you agree she can phone you a couple of times and let her have a phone (maybe leave yours or dhs with her) and she is in control of when she can phone you, if she has a problem or feels lonely, which could make her feel safer, even if it is just your voice she needs to hear to make her feel connected.

mygrandchildrenrock · 04/04/2016 14:44

I did exactly what howabouthisone is suggesting. I paid the oldest one to babysit and the younger two to be good! I did pay the older one more though.

BitOutOfPractice · 04/04/2016 14:51

sn!ce surely a 10yo should e able to amuse themselves for a couple of hours - especially as for most of the time she's in bed. She shouldn't need playing with 24/7

nauticant · 04/04/2016 14:52

This brings back memories of my childhood. Three siblings, similar ages. The problem was that leaving my older brother in charge meant an unpleasant evening with him being thoroughly horrible, unmoderated. On paper, all fine. In reality, to be avoided.

scarlets · 04/04/2016 14:55

Perhaps pay the 15y old to be in charge, but make it clear that she needs to try hard to make it work, by being kind and reassuring to the 9y old and helping to manage her anxiety whilst you are absent. Perhaps in the past she has (inadvertently, I'm sure) addressed her sister's fears with a "pull yourself together" response, which doesn't help an anxious personality.

Original poster
Dancergirl · 04/04/2016 14:59

Perhaps that's right scarlets a teen wouldn't necessarily have the experience to deal with anxious children.

The older two don't disappear off and leave dd3 alone. When we go out they are normally watching tv together, then dd3 is supposed to go up to bed at a set time, think that's when she kicks off.

OP posts:
jay55 · 04/04/2016 15:06

That's probably it, older one tells youngest to go to bed and youngest kicks off, and gets short shrift, followed by teary call playing the victim.

BitOutOfPractice · 04/04/2016 15:09

Ah! It's falling into place now!

Are you strict about bedtime with DD3 OP?

MiscellaneousAssortment · 04/04/2016 16:06

Babysitting is a whole different dynamic than family. It could be difficult for both babysitter and babysitee to swap into a different pattern of relationship and status.

Setting very clear rules, expectations and consequences from you, to be followed to the letter, would probably help. Pointing out the differences from usual behavior as well so that they know how to react to each other and what happens when.

Might help with the anxiety of the youngest, and any 'lord of the flies' type of dynamics.

'Freedom within boundaries' is my mantra for pretty much everything! :)

Original poster
Dancergirl · 06/04/2016 10:58

UPDATE: we had a successful evening last night! Dh and I had parents' evening and as we were only going to be out for 1.5 hours/2 hours max, we thought it would be a good opportunity to test the waters.

I spoke to older two beforehand, they were both adamant that they are already kind and patient with dd3 and have no idea why she gets so upset. I encouraged them to be 'extra' nice to her and that dd3 was allowed one phone call to me if necessary.

Initially dd3 was a bit upset when I explained what was happening, but I was very patient and nice and encouraged her to be really brave and that her sisters were looking forward to looking after her and had fun stuff planned. Told her she had one phone call to me if she really needed it.

We got home about 9.30pm, dd3 was still awake but settled in bed and all had been fine Smile

I had bribed older two with a tenner each and dd3 with a small treat of her choice if all went well.

I don't want to push things at the moment so I think if it's a short time only and we are nearby, we won't need a sitter....but if a longer evening and dd3 wants a sitter that's what we'll do for now and reassess in a few months.

OP posts:
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