Fed up of being called fat at work

[tortoiserock]

I'm worried everyone will have a go at me for being ageist and I'm not but I do a bit of work with elderly people and they do comment on weight all the time AIBU to be fed up with it?

olivia - you make a grave error if you think I in any way condone or excuse it by saying that it's a 'generational issue'! I am not affectionately relating a story about my grandmother, but condemning her behaviour entirely. She is a silly, superficial, shallow woman.

However, I simply suggesting as a possible causal explanation that women such as her grew up in an era where women were still objectified and oppressed to such an extent that they were incapable of achieving a sense of selfhood that was fully independent of men, and that the association of slimness with femininity seems to be part of this. In other words, I think there may be intersectional issues here with gender and weight interacting in complicated ways. To put that another way, I am suggesting that if we are to deal with fat-shaming, to make it once-and-for-all unacceptable, we may also have to deal with some very retrograde ideas about gender.

I absolutely recognise the oppression of the 70s that you describe - I grew up with it, and it is one of the reasons that I am a feminist.

Show you are upset by their comments! Shame them!
Some years ago I put on a LOT of weight, despite dieting, I later was diagnosed with a very underactive thyroid, however people felt it their right to comment on my weight gain. It upset me greatly.
One day when I had had one comment to many I burst into tears, it had the desired effect that group of people who never commented again.
I also took to responding to comments like "i was brought up never to make personal remarks about other people , obviously your upbringing wasn't quite as good as mine" (that is very effective with older people) or "Yes I my be overweight, and am dieting, what effort are you making to address your rudeness?"
Show you are upset OP and good luck with the diet

It probably makes my position clearer if I rephrase one sentence of my first post: 'Being slim and attractive in a man's eyes is a woman's identity in my grandmother's world - and there is no personhood outside of it'.

olivia I read that as shovetheholly writing from her gran's perspective, not that she necessarily feels that way herself. I appreciate I may have misread it though.

There are a couple of ways you could tackle this OP.

A) Next time someone comments, say "it might have been acceptable to make comments about someone's size back in the day, but it isn't now so I'd appreciate it if you'd stop. Thanks" and then change the subject.

B) Ignore and rise above it, while feeling sorry for them that they are so superficial to be so concerned about appearance.

C) Every time someone comments, say "what a coincidence, I was just thinking you could do with some meat on your bones, you're looking a bit scrawny".

A is the mature option, B is okay if you really think you can do it, C is the immature and childish approach so you might want to think it rather than say it but it depends on the culture of your workplace (and how peed off you are!)

Thanks page - that's exactly what I meant.

It would have helped if I'd been clearer though! I blame Monday morning and a lack of coffee.

Monday morning is to blame for everything, right enough.

shove I thought the intention of your post was perfectly clear!

Whilst I had 'flu last week I revisited one of my favourite children's books, written in 1957. The author very frankly calls children "the little fat one" etc., and one little "fat girl" even relates not getting work because theatre directors just say "little fat girl fourth from the left, you can sit out". Obviously it's fiction but it's indicative of a generation / era when "fat" was something that was very baldly commented on.

Another example is C.S. Lewis and his scorn for "girls with fat legs".

Whilst nobody would be so blunt nowadays (unless they were really trying hard to be cruel), when I was a teenager I was extremely lanky, and everyone seemed to think they were perfectly within their rights to comment on that. One woman at my workplace even pulled my T-shirt up crowing "look, she's so skinny, I bet you can see her bones!" Can you imagine anyone doing that if "skinny" weren't seen as something desirable?

I'm rambling now, but I just think there's still a long way to go, even if we're a bit less blunt now than we used to be.

By the standards of the 50s and 60s, most people are too fat these days. Rates of all the diseases and conditions associated with obesity have rocketed. The two are connected, and if you don't get that, then you are not reading enough! As a population, the UK was at it's healthiest during rationing when almost everyone ate just enough of a reasonably balanced diet and also walked or cycled everywhere.

Watch old cine film and you will not see a fat person, not one, in a crowd of shoppers in any town.

I would agree that you might find it rude that people, especially older people comment. If I may say so, I hate seeing fat people. I find it ugly and unhealthy. I also find being lectured on health matters by fat nurses or doctors particularly annoying.

My mother was a small polite woman who would never dream of saying anything rude in public. When she got to her late 70's she started to go partly deaf and was found to be suffering from Alzheimer's as well. While out in public with me she made a rather loud comment on another person nearby (which was not weight related) which embarrassed me. It's as though the parental conditioning taught in childhood is eroded by the disease. She didn't even remember her daughters names.

I'm a nurse and I just explain to patients/relatives that on my ward, we don't make personal comments about other people as we are all different and beautiful in our own way.

it is rude to comment on appearance unless explicitly asked for an opinion. It is also quite a boring subject but that's an aside.

unless six years old or less, or mentally incapacitated, there is no excuse at all. Just say 'that's rude, please don't say that again'.

Don't worry cressa I think you're a twat too

I used to work as a Community Carer with, mainly, elderly people and also had quite a bit of this!

Comments such as "oo, you're a big lass aren't you?", "you'd look lovely if you lost weight", "you should diet now, or you'll be stuck like that when you're older" and - my personal favourite - "your arse is like a bouncy castle".

I'm not even that big for heaven's sake!

Someone upthread said that they thought that women's weight has become something that everyone feels comfortable commenting on'. It's interesting because I would say the exact opposite. I am 40 and when I was younger it was perfectly acceptable to describe someone, not maliciously, but factually, as fat if they were fat. eg in our French lessons at school we were taught to describe ourselves and our friends and it was perfectly normal to say 'she is fat' or 'she is thin'.

Whereas now 'fat' is considered insulting and offensive. eg I had to talk my sister out of making a formal complaint about a doctor who asked if she had always been overweight or if she had gained weight recently. It was a factual question, and was relevant, but she was outraged that he could dare to mention it. I think a lot of people feel the same.

I'm not excusing insulting people because of their weight, and constantly negatively commenting on people's weight can really only have a negative outcome I'd imagine. But I feel like commenting on people's weight these days is very taboo.

I didn't say a word out loud, and would never comment on anyone's appearance unless asked to do so! Just hope that my manners filter doesn't disintegrate totally when I get really old and deranged

And just to clarify, I'm not yearning for the good old days when we could comment all we wanted on people's weight. I just mean that I think it is not as socially acceptable these days as it used to be, which is mostly a good thing.

Same, Santas and I'm not THAT fat! I mean obviously I am fat but not shopping-in-Evans territory yet

Ahem.... You had me up until that comment op. I shop at Evans sometimes.

Ah, it wasn't meant insultingly trash, don't be offended. I was just trying to give an idea of my size :)

Evans sells clothes from size 14 upwards. Strange remark given the subject of your thread.

I apologise, I thought it was size 18 and it wasn't meant as an insult, just to give an indication of my size.

I'm not offended. Nor do I shop in Evans. I just think talking about weight can be a bit of a minefield. Lots of people can put their foot in it without malicious intent.

My gran was terrible for this. I once visited her when the carer was there and I'd bought some chocolates. She said don't give them to x (carer) she's on a diet
The poor girl looked mortified.

When we were student nurses my friend had put on a tiny amount of weight, was about 9stone. One day she was chatting to an elderly patient and mentioned she didn't like butter. The woman replied, "oh that does surprise me seeing as you are so stout."

It is most definitely a generational thing, my mil is terrible, slim is all things good and fat =lazy, dissolute and good for nothing.

I think you should challenge these remarks. " Actually it is not ok to say that and you have hurt my feelings."

That's it I suppose, unintentionally we let stuff slip out. I'm like a raw nerve about my weight right now.

I'm very tall, and bloody fat. I'm doing slimming world for the first time, after a good year of trying unsuccessfully to stick to low carb. I'm definitely weight sensitive. I'm exercising too, but it seems to make me poorly.... Like after a week of good work, I'm suffering with a horrid sore throat, so have pretty much lain about all weekend. I feel like a bloody whale today. Humph.

Anyway as you were.....