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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Or was this a dig at me?

39 replies

Sophie85 · 03/04/2016 09:44

First off let me start off by saying that I am, by nature a very sensitive person so I'm aware that I might be reading a little to much into this but I can't help feel upset.

A while back I met a friend through another friend I've known for years (if you get me) but I've been trying to distance myself from this person due to the way she acts, the inappropriate things she says and her nasty and rather hypocritical views she has of other people and their circumstances.

Anyway this person hasn't got the hint and has started popping by my house unannounced when usually we only meet up if our mutual friend is there too. I decided not to let her in and we had a cup of coffee and a chat. It's not long before she gets to rambling and is insulting people, this time it was sahm's.

I'm currently a sahm to my three children and have been for the last two years. I suffered terrible bullying in my last job and I've now been diagnosed with mild depression. Although I do everything for my children, ie take them places, do arts and crafts, do your usual school runs, take them to the after school activities etc etc but I'll admit some days are a struggle. So this "friend" starts whittering on about the fact she works so hard (she works 17 hours a week) how she wants to set a good example to her children and that she couldn't just sit at home on her arse every day doing nothing. Oh and that her kids miss out on nothing because she chooses to work and not be on the dole.

She seemed to ramble totally unaware of what she was saying and to who she was saying it to, but surely she knew I'd be offended. She finally left but what made it worse was later on last night she went on Facebook and put on this big long winded status basically bigging herself up for working and that her kids have the best of the best because she chooses not to be lazy.

Now I can't be 100% sure obviously but surely this was a dig at me. The ironic thing is my "friend" is a total liar and lies on a regular basis hence why i'd decided to distance myself from her. She portrays herself to everyone as this struggling single parent to her three children but that's not true. She is in a long term relationship with the father of her children but they decided between them that he should move to his father's house so that she could claim benefits. Now this isn't a bash at single parents on benefits so please don't accuse me of that, it's just the facts.

I'm aware that because her partner actually moved out (well he moved his belonging out) she might be able to get away with it (she has so far) but morally at least she's a hypocrite for saying the things she does. She wouldn't be able to to afford half of the nice things she gives her kids through "working hard" if she didn't have this scheme in place. Her partner is on a low wage and before he "moved out" they didn't do anything as a family as they couldn't afford to but suddenly now they're having days out every week, going on nice holidays etc. Like I said please don't get at me, I'm just saying it how it is and I'm also not jealous before anyone accuses me of that. I just feel aggrieved by this person and find it hypocritical that she dared to have a dig at me and all other sahp's for "sitting on our arses doing nothing" yet she works the least hours possible in order to claim the maximum amount of benefits, that she knows she shouldn't be getting as she is still in a relationship with the father of her children, who by the way works full time. So tell me the truth Aibu here?

OP posts:
sooperdooper · 03/04/2016 09:47

Why are you even friends with this woman and why didn't you say anything when she was wittering on? Confused

Original poster
Sophie85 · 03/04/2016 09:50

I'm not really friends with her. I only see he usually when our mutual friend invites her to come out with us. I did tell her what I thought in a nice way as I don't like confrontation but she told me to lighten up as she wasn't referring to me.

OP posts:
NoahVale · 03/04/2016 09:50

I cant believe she was talking to you about you.
and
I think you should be the better person and not criticise her life style choice, particularly as you don't want her to criticise your life style choice.

eat314 · 03/04/2016 09:51

She sounds like she's trying to convince herself not you.

I used to agonise over other people's thoughts and what they might have meant.

There's a saying , Mae West, i think ''what other people think of me is nunna mah bizness'' lol Channel that.

NoahVale · 03/04/2016 09:52

although you must know that working improves depression, gives you a feeling of self worth.
are you feeling guilty for not going out to work?
it may help in your mild depression

DoreenLethal · 03/04/2016 09:53

Whoever she was talking about - delete her from your facebook and stop spending time with her. She is rank.

Original poster
Sophie85 · 03/04/2016 09:56

I know Noah, and usually I don't comment on other people's life choices as after all it's their life but her words hit me hard. She basically thinks me and other sahm's set a bad example to our kids becaause we don't work but as far as I'm concerned my dh works 50 hours a week so I can be around more for my children and we are happy with that for now. I couldn't work a 40 hour week like I did more or less since I was 18 (I'm 31 now) not the way I am at the minute but I fully intend to start looking for part time work when my youngest starts school next year.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sophie85 · 03/04/2016 09:59

Noah honesty no, I dont feel guilty. We manage ok financially, my kids get to see me more and they're happy, that's all I could ask for. When I was at my last job I was contracted to 40 hours a week nu in reality I did way more than that. My kids were in breakfast and after school club every day and I barely seen them, so I decided to take some time out, I don't think there is anything wrong with that.

OP posts:
NoahVale · 03/04/2016 10:00

don't take what she said to heart op.
she sounds like she has something odd going on.
just ignore her

NoahVale · 03/04/2016 10:02

She is probably jealous of you op. she is trying to Big herself up by putting other people down.

Original poster
Sophie85 · 03/04/2016 10:03

I will.

OP posts:
DawnOfTheDoggers · 03/04/2016 10:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Sophie85 · 03/04/2016 10:05

Trust me there's nothing to be jelsous of. I mean yes I get to spend more time with my kids but we survive on a lot less money, me and dh have to go without a lot of the time. To be honest though she works 17 hours a week so she too can get that time with her kids but she has them in nursery and after school club every day when in reality she only needs them in two days a week. That's her choice, fair enough but then don't moan you hardly see your kids becaause you work so hard and then get at me for having an "easy" life.

OP posts:
eat314 · 03/04/2016 10:06

I didn't work for a long time. I couldn't make it work economically. Funnily enough, the more intelligent friends GOT that. It wasn't linked to who earned what. Often, the friends who could themselves afford expensive childcare were the ones who completely got that not everybody can make working work, so to speak. You have to do what works. Not just economically but practically, financially, emotionally....

And I agree with the others, ''i'm not lazy'' is a strange thing to say!! The people I know who are the biggest powerhouses would never say that.

CaspoFungin · 03/04/2016 10:07

Even if they're fiddling the system, surely benefits aren't that much that they're lifestyle would be noticeably different, ie affording holidays etc??

Original poster
Sophie85 · 03/04/2016 10:07

Thanks Dawn. She's taken to Facebook quite a bit in the past to big herself up and I think she likes all the "oh you're doing great" "your a hard working single parent" comments. Like I said she has this dodgy set up with her partner so I suppose she has play her part well for her to be believed.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sophie85 · 03/04/2016 10:09

I'm not sure of the finer details Caspo but I think that before they only got a bit of tax credits and child benefit and now (so she told our friend) she gets housing, council tax, working tax, most of her childcare paid etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sophie85 · 03/04/2016 10:11

Oh and she told my herself that she got that two year funding for her son to go to nursery. She wouldn't have qualified for that if they took her partners earnings into account.

OP posts:
eat314 · 03/04/2016 10:14

Three children, who'd look after them if you were at work? Either that's a lot to ask of a relative, or, it's a huge childcare expense. A person has to have a really good earning potential to cover reliable childcare for three.

Believe me, I sat there with a calculator grappling with it all, and struggling under the weight of other people's opinions!! for years.

Just have a good honest assessment of what works best for your family. Taking everything in to consideration. Quality of life. Time. Levels of stress. Money in / money out. They say you should dance like nobody's watching!!! well, make this decision for your family like nobody is watching.

Theydontknowweknowtheyknow · 03/04/2016 10:14

OP, it sounds as if she is wishing to defend her own life choices and her strategy is "offense is the best form of defense".

Today there are a range of "lifestyles" for mothers and each one is criticised. Between the idea that "career women make bad mothers" to the idea that SAHMs are free-loaders, many women are naturally inclined to shore up their defences by attacking the lifestyles of others.

It's a sad state of affairs and lacking in sisterhood but it sounds to me that this is exactly what she is doing. There are enough forces in society that make us women feel bad about whatever choice we make (often it isn't even a choice) and you don't need her negativity bringing you down.

NoahVale · 03/04/2016 10:15

she chose not to live with her partner in order for this funding? I guess she is not in a good place.
it is her problem not yours. please don't let her bring you down.

Original poster
Sophie85 · 03/04/2016 10:16

I've just gone on to Facebook to take her off my friends lists and you should see some of the comments she's getting for that ridiculous status. Telling her she's amazing, a strong hard working single mum, she sets her kids a good example by not letting the state pay for her or her ex blah blah. I don't think these people really know her true circumstances , they just take her on face value as this struggling single mother, when nothing could be further from the truth. Ah well.

OP posts:
eat314 · 03/04/2016 10:16

Ps
Hide her posts!

She obviously feels bad about something but don't bother trying to figure that out.

MiscellaneousAssortment · 03/04/2016 10:18

You're giving her an awful lot of your mind and letting her form your emotional state. Why?

You already know she's not a friend and that your don't like her. So why are you obsessing over her? Why are you getting embroiled in her rubbish and why are you writing such a long and detailed rebuttal of her opinions?

Just steer clear and stop letting yourself get in a position to get upset. Why are you giving her words any weight at all?

Surely a person you dislike, saying things that you dislike, in a way you dislike... Cannot be any sort of a shock?

eat314 · 03/04/2016 10:20

That figures. So she is commiting benefit fraud!? I have known a few people like this. It gives honest people who've hit a rough patch a bad name. That is very frustrating.

As a single parent who genuinely had no nefarious partner lurking in the background, I'm angry on behalf of all of the single parents who struggle to be in two places at once, and who struggle to make things work and who have to tolerate judgement, and there is an appetite for judgement because of benefit fraud. Most of the fraud is couples pretending to be single individuals!

Just tune it all out!