To think it's not fair? (DP & Finances)

[MalcolminaX]

I am late 20s with a boyfriend of two years, who in in his mid 30s. No kids. I have been saving for a deposit for four years, so before we met. Finally I’m in a position to buy though I’ll be very poor for two years paying back money to family that I’ve borrowed in order to raise the full deposit.

It would be fair to say that buying this flat is one of my top priorities. Having grown up in an unstable situation, I have a deep-seated need for security, independence and privacy. My adult life has been shaped by these needs in terms of education and career choices.

My boyfriend’s priorities are very different. He prefers to spend most of his wages on accumulating possessions and going on holiday, mostly alone. He does not care for privacy or security in the way I do and is content with a rented room in a rundown shared house (…and I am not).

Although I earn a lot more, I work more hours, in an equally stressful job. We get paid about the same per hour worked. I save a lot each month and I have significantly less money to spend on leisure. This is my choice: I am happy to do so in order to safeguard my future as much as possible.

So – we both say we’d like to be together forever and build a life together. We’d like to live together in the future, though he doesn’t want to move into my new flat as it wouldn’t have enough room for his guitar collection. He’d like to ‘go in’ with me in a few years to buy a bigger place, with my approx. 65k equity, and his approx. 5k savings (that he’s planning to accrue over the next three years, during which he’d spend about 10k on solo holidays and things for his hobby).

AIBU to think that’s just not FAIR?
Or AIBU because I'm no worse off than if I were single?

If I were you, I'd go to the relationships board and read some of the threads about unequal divisions of labour, when it comes to housework and childcare.

Many DHs appear to think it's fine to go to work, then have leisure time, while the DWs go to work, do housework, childcare and get no time to themselves. For many people the inequality comes as a shock, which is only exposed by having children and not the way they expected the relationship to go from behaviour pre-DC.

Your DP is at least making it obvious now, that he has no intention of contributing anything over and above doing normal hours at a job. At least you get the chance to walk into this with your eyes open, you can accept a man who will only ever contribute the absolute minimum required and be happy supporting him, by always working much harder than him, having less time and money for yourself, or you can find someone who wants to be an equal partner, to work as hard as you are to create a family unit.

Listen to yourself, you're telling yourself something. It's not just you, it's everyone else who sees it, too.

I don't think that is an idealistic expectation though Malcolm. It's a reasonable expectation. Trouble is, I'm not sure you can get it from this chap, lovely though he no doubt is. I worry you are expecting too little. 50/50 is normal in my world.

Financial differences can be overcome but a shared value set is important, and yours seem a long way apart.

if nothing else you want different things from life.

He's a will-o-the-wisp. You need to enjoy his company and all that that entails, but never never put yourself into a position where your security is dependent on him. That means taking care of your career, keeping your finances separate, holding on to your own friends, and if you have children ensuring that you alone are financially capable of covering their needs. If you ever live together, it will need to be on a lodger basis. Even if he inherits and is ever able to put a good amount into any joint property, there will always be that new £2,500 guitar he just had to have, the snowboarding holiday in Whistler that he really deserves, the sudden career change because he's only just realised what it is he really wants to do.

I've watched the above play out over the last 33 years, so you can imagine the age 'my' will-o-the-wisp is now. Only he's not mine, someone else has that pleasure as I gave up on him when I was 19 and went on to marry his best friend!!!! I dodged a bullet. I too grew up very poor and in a less than stable home and I could not have lived his 'where e'er the wind blows' kind of life.

He's more than 50% emotionally! He's really supportive and kind and thoughtful and caring.

That's all fine and dandy, but only a part of being in a relationship.

Are you a horse?

Because you are certainly being taken for a ride!

You might love him. He might love you, in his own way. Unfortunately that way isn't as mature as it needs to be to have a proper relationship.

You want financial security & stability. You won't have either of these things with him.

Which is more important to you? 'love' at any cost or financial security & stability because that's the choice you need to make. Unfortunately.

wrt building a life together - you have already built a life, he has chosen not to bother so far.

I read this and thought what's your problem. You're £6.5k and his £5k.
Then realised there was no .
If that's what you want fine but for gods sake make sure everything you put in is documented and you have legal docs saying that it's your money. Friend about to lose house as her and ex splitting and she didn't have anything to show she put in 2/3 deposit and him 1/3 and now split is 50/50.
And make sure you are with him for other good reasons. You love him and have shared values and interests. It sounds like you may not

I agree with pp that you don't sound incompatible. Financial attitudes is actually a huge part of being in a stable long-term relationship in my opinion. If you become a partnership, a proper, long-term partnership, your have to have shared priorities and a shared attitude to spending/saving (to some degree), otherwise you just end up arguing about everything, and this is a real reason for the breakdown of relationships. At this point in time if you're happy with your partner then you don't have to think about that just yet, enjoy your flat and enjoy the time with him, but this is not going to be a relationship that will last for ever, and do you really want to be putting into it what you are when that is the case? Sorry to be so blunt but he is a man child and not going to change any time soon. You deserve someone who respects the sacrifices that you have made.

OP

Your concern is that you're sacrificing so many things to get what you want, and he'll benefit from that sacrifice while having done none himself. So you would prefer him to stop "wasting" his money and instead save like you.

Conversely, he could feel that you're tying yourself down and thinks should be more carefree. If he told you that you needed to spend all your money like he does, wouldn't you resent that?

Neither of you is more correct than the other. I completely understand your need for security, but then I also understand wanting to acquire things when you've not had certain things before. I could have saved my car payments and bought a cheaper car, but I really wanted this one, it's my dream car. I sacrifice to have it.

As others have said, simply find a way to secure your things so that he doesn't gain from your struggles and sacrifices, if that's what you'd like. I'd bet there are ways that you haven't even though of and it needed be as "unfair" as you think (with respect to him) but it's always going to be unfair that some things come easily to others while we have to work at them.

It's a wonderful achievement :)

Malcolm
I don't think it's fair that he goes on holidays while you eat beans. But unfortunately, that is the way it is (for him).
A poster upstream, coffee has a point. It is blunt speaking, but I do believe it is true.
I think you are right to protect your future and to work hard for your own security. I am 100% with you on that. I did the same! Buy your own flat, it is yours. If you end up buying together in the future, make sure it is either equal, or that there is something written into the purchase that reflects the balance. If you don't, well you will still have your own lovely flat.
Buy the flat, see how the relationship goes. See what your boyfriend thinks as he heads towards 40 and is still is a house share.
You sound very level headed and pragmatic, btw :)

So you boyfriend is frivolous and you aren't. I can see trouble ahead here.

canyou thanks so much for your reply. I don't know if I want children. I know I couldn't raise a child in the kind of poverty I grew up in so I have agreed with myself that I'll only make the decision when I'm in a suitable position to decide (stable home, relationship, finances etc). If I'm never at that position, so be it.

I am reading your posts and thinking what a great woman you are. You grew up in (probably) chaotic poverty and yet look at you- career, about to get a good flat, thinking "hang on a sec" when a boyfriend takes you for granted.

I would love if my daughters have your sense of preservation and self and desire to mind themselves and be self-sufficient. I would also love you to have been reared by my mum who made my sis and me into very independent women who valued themselves highly not just in terms of career and finances but also in terms of who deserves to be your life partner/father of your children.

What I would say to you is that picking a partner isn't that different to picking a career or a property to buy. You need to decide what matters to you. What values you have and how much they matter. And then decide what kind of person you want to spend your life with. It isn't necessarily the person you having a grand time with at the weekends.

Honestly, you sound such a great woman. i would be so proud if you were my daughter. Don't accept what you get in the relationships stakes. Realise there are a lot of men who would love to have a chance with you who might share your overall values and ambitions.

you don't have to rush into anything. Buy your flat. Continue with your career. Save your money. and think- what do I want? Is this the best person for me? the absolute best. you are in your late 20s. So so young.

Thanks so much everyone, you're really kind

So if he moves in, what the hell should I charge him, or is that another thread?!

canyou your post made me cry! It's so nice to hear someone supportive who doesn't even know who I am. Thanks for your belief in who I am as a person. My mother is very dedicated to me now but she made some bad choices years ago (her words, mostly hard-drug based) which made things perhaps difficult for me as a youth/young adult.

It's hard to made those decisions isn't it? Most choices can be made on solid financial or logical basis but not a relationship one.

I didn't grow up in the kind of poverty you're referring to, but I have always known that I will have to look after myself. Not because my parents won't but because they don't really have any spare resources.

This has made me quite aware of "attitudes to finances" as an aspect of a partner.

I'm not really convinced that yours is one you want to have around.

He feels "safe" and so can do whatever he likes because he never believes that anything bad will happen to him.

You know that you have to be careful and work hard and that even then bad things can strike even careful and hardworking people.

If something unfortunate ever did happen, do you think he would be useful and supportive?

It's not unjust. You're just incompatible.

I agree there is something more to relationships decisions than financial or logical issues but bear in mind that even though the financial and logical answers seem obvious to you, they won't be seen the same way by everyone. The financial and logical views you take are part of you, not some separate thing, and deserve not to be ignored in any of your decisions.

I am similar to you - focused on saving and bought my own place as a solo thing. Then met my DP who had also bought his own house so it was perfect. We are quite evenly matched in terms of financial approach and what we own and so it works well. I personally couldn't really comtemplate letting someone else coast along and then benefit from all my savings and effort - you are right this is totally unfair. I would resent it. I don't think you sound well suited as attitude to money is so important but obviously that's up to you!

If he moves in and just pays towards your bills he will still be collecting shit and going on solo holidays while you stay at home eating beans.

Why do you want this inequality so much?

Marry him and he'll be entitled to half of all your hard earned assets. Think about that one.

I'm not planning to marry him just yet (he hasn't asked, for one)

If I did, I think I'd ensure my deposit when/if we buy. Am i a fool to think it'd be so simple?

OP, listen to yourself, you already think he's unfair?

It's not just the deposit now though, it's the fact that his entire way of life is totally geared towards his own short term indulgence. There's no problem with that while it's just him (though he does seem to expect that someone else is going to deliver for him on the property front).
However, if you were to marry and have children, it could well be a relationship breaker if you had to finish maternity leave early to fund his guitar buying and hobby holidays.

You can protect a deposit, but you can't get a solicitor to legislate for your partner's sense of self-entitlement.