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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think it's not fair? (DP & Finances)

93 replies

MalcolminaX · 02/04/2016 21:46

I am late 20s with a boyfriend of two years, who in in his mid 30s. No kids. I have been saving for a deposit for four years, so before we met. Finally I’m in a position to buy though I’ll be very poor for two years paying back money to family that I’ve borrowed in order to raise the full deposit.

It would be fair to say that buying this flat is one of my top priorities. Having grown up in an unstable situation, I have a deep-seated need for security, independence and privacy. My adult life has been shaped by these needs in terms of education and career choices.

My boyfriend’s priorities are very different. He prefers to spend most of his wages on accumulating possessions and going on holiday, mostly alone. He does not care for privacy or security in the way I do and is content with a rented room in a rundown shared house (…and I am not).

Although I earn a lot more, I work more hours, in an equally stressful job. We get paid about the same per hour worked. I save a lot each month and I have significantly less money to spend on leisure. This is my choice: I am happy to do so in order to safeguard my future as much as possible.

So – we both say we’d like to be together forever and build a life together. We’d like to live together in the future, though he doesn’t want to move into my new flat as it wouldn’t have enough room for his guitar collection. He’d like to ‘go in’ with me in a few years to buy a bigger place, with my approx. 65k equity, and his approx. 5k savings (that he’s planning to accrue over the next three years, during which he’d spend about 10k on solo holidays and things for his hobby).

AIBU to think that’s just not FAIR?
Or AIBU because I'm no worse off than if I were single?

OP posts:

Trills · 02/04/2016 22:22

Buy without him.

If you later decide to allow him to move in with you, you can.
(from what I've heard I hope you won't)

coffeeisnectar · 02/04/2016 22:23

Please don't marry this bloke or get involved in a joint financial commitment with him.

He's a man-child. He's waiting to be handed something on a plate. Either through you or someone dying and leaving it to him in a Will. He has no sense of responsibility and lives for the moment. Which is great in your early 20's, not so attractive in your 30's.

Imagine 10 years down the line. You've invested a lot of money into a joint property. One of those rooms is solely given over to his guitars and other crap and you have a baby. The baby is given the smallest room because he can't move his guitars. The baby is not allowed near his room of guitars. You need to go on mat leave and he's still pissing money into the wind and leaving you to fund everything. You will be responsible for childcare, the house and he will still be living like an 18 year old with no responsibilities.

Your life will be shit. Don't even go there.

magoria · 02/04/2016 22:24

His priority is solo holidays and spending on himself.

This won't magically change in 3 years if you stump up more than 10x his deposit on a place.

He will still want his solo holidays and spending on crap and you will end up resentful.

expatinscotland · 02/04/2016 22:32

Mid 30s and still living like a student. People like this don't change.

Notcontent · 02/04/2016 22:34

He also sounds like the kind of guy who will not be ready to have children for at least another 10 or 15 years, because right now he still thinks of himself as being much younger than he really is... That could be an issue if you do want to have children.

Peyia · 02/04/2016 22:34

You don't sound compatible to me but love is blind....

Continue being the hardworking independent woman you are, it'll all come out in the wash and I mean that in a nice way.

Also, sorry to focus on this but the guitar thing would piss me off. He sounds a little bit of a commitment phobe or maybe not ready to commit. Either way that excuse is lame and what's 5k gonna do? He should be sacrificing luxuries too.

Peyia · 02/04/2016 22:36

He sounds a little bit of a commitment phobe or maybe not ready to commit

That's the same thing time for bed!

CalleighDoodle · 02/04/2016 22:42

In five years time his attitude towards adult life will make you unhappy.

annandale · 02/04/2016 22:42

I'm sorry that I made you feel that way. Perhaps I'm projecting because I don't respect what you've told us about your partner - but you've been focusing in your posts on one particular issue, I'm sure there is more to it and more to him than that.

I believe that if you marry him, the assets of the marriage belong jointly to him. That's one of the points of marriage.

cosytoaster · 02/04/2016 22:43

Unfortunately your attitudes just don't fit together. I'm quite careful with money whilst my ex was a spender (whether we had it or not), it was really stressful situation to be in. When we divorced I ended up with a pile of debt that took me ages to pay back, despite the fact that we had been married a long time and both worked in well paid jobs. Buy your flat now but think v v carefully before moving in with him.

cosytoaster · 02/04/2016 22:45

PS - well done on being able to buy on your own in an expensive city

Canyouforgiveher · 02/04/2016 22:47

OP, buy your flat and enjoy the security you have from it. Don't move in with him. You don't need to commit now to buying another property in the future with him. You are buying your first property and that is all you need to focus on.

Then, once you are in your flat and can reflect and think how well you have done having a good career and a place of your own and on the property ladder and all, maybe start thinking and even talking to people you trust about what else you want out of life?

Do you want children? If so, what kind of man should be their father (probably the SINGLE MOST IMPORTANT decision you will make in your life). What do you want in a life partner? What do you think you deserve? How will your lives unfold in an ideal world?

It seems to me you have put an admirable amount of thought into your priorities-property, career etc. Well done. Put the same amount of thought into picking a life partner and father to your children. Life isn't a novel-your true love doesn't just happen along and declare himself - you can actually decide what you want and go out and look for just that or not settle for someone who isn't going to be rowing in the same direction as you all your life.

Original poster

MalcolminaX · 02/04/2016 22:48

annandale I guess the problem - I feel like I'm working towards our joint future, whereas he's just focused on his immediate future. If we marry, he'll benefit fully from everything I've worked for, and I'm happy for that to be the case. I just feel like that'll happen after 5 years together whilst I've sacrificed loads and worked loads of overtime, and he's gone on loads of solo holidays and had a great time at the pub with mates whilst I've been sat at home eating beans. And I guess that's my question - is it fair?

I'm so thankful for everyone's responses, btw. I thought I'd be told I was an unreasonable workaholic bitch.

OP posts:

ClarenceTheLion · 02/04/2016 22:52

If you do go ahead with this, you need a contract drawn up detailing how much you both put in. Put could you trust him to keep up with mortgage payments though? He sounds like an overgrown baby.

expatinscotland · 02/04/2016 22:55

'I feel like I'm working towards our joint future, whereas he's just focused on his immediate future. If we marry, he'll benefit fully from everything I've worked for, and I'm happy for that to be the case. I just feel like that'll happen after 5 years together whilst I've sacrificed loads and worked loads of overtime, and he's gone on loads of solo holidays and had a great time at the pub with mates whilst I've been sat at home eating beans. And I guess that's my question - is it fair?'

Well no, not to you, because you're not with the right person. When people show you who they are, listen.

There's nothing wrong with who he is, but it's not marriage and family material.

Stop making sacrifices with a view to sharing it with him. By all means, do it for yourself, but this guy does what he says on the tin. He's in his mid-30s. In 5 years time he'll still be buying guitars and blowing any spare cash on his hobby and holidays. He's not going to turn into Mr Sensible. He would have by now if he were.

Original poster

MalcolminaX · 02/04/2016 22:56

canyou thanks so much for your reply. I don't know if I want children. I know I couldn't raise a child in the kind of poverty I grew up in so I have agreed with myself that I'll only make the decision when I'm in a suitable position to decide (stable home, relationship, finances etc). If I'm never at that position, so be it.

OP posts:

Silverfoxofwarwick1953 · 02/04/2016 22:58

YANBU

I do not think you are compatible though. The 'money = security' thing is important for many people and if that is part of your make up then you need to think carefully about making a life with someone who does not share that view. There are ways you can safeguard your investment, and it might make sense to speak to a family lawyer if you were to move in together.

Trills · 02/04/2016 22:58

I thought I'd be told I was an unreasonable workaholic bitch.

Does he tell you that?

expatinscotland · 02/04/2016 22:58

Don't sell yourself short, Malcolm.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 02/04/2016 22:58

Says he's planning to save 5k in three years? Big bloody deal! But he's not even serious about that, is he? If he was determined to save properly he wouldn't have set the bar so low.

Honestly, if you're certain that he's going to "come in" with you at some point it's quite straightforward to protect what equity you will have built up at that point. Get a Deed of Trust drawn up. Your equity equals a proportion of the mortgage-value (rather than in purely cash-terms if where the property will be is likely to increase in value substantially), you get a joint-mortgage and share the monthly payments equally.

Even better, he moves in with you but pays no rent/contributions towards the mortgage, only half of the Council Tax, utility bills and groceries. His reaction to your suggestion of doing this will tell you what you need to know.

Just as many relationships are ended over differing attitudes to money/savings/future security than infidelity. I don't think you're compatible at all. He's in his mid-thirties and still living like a ruddy student. Not enough room for his guitar collection! I know guys like this and there will never, ever be too many. They never get rid of the crappy ones, just make plans for the new collectible that they never play.

How do you like being way down on the list of his priorities: below his pals, his holidays and his precious guitar collection?

Original poster

MalcolminaX · 02/04/2016 23:02

trills no, not at all - he's really supportive. He thinks it's amazing that I'm buying somewhere for myself because I want it so much.

expat thanks, I really not making sacrifices for him - I'm def. doing it all for myself! I just have an idealistic view of a long-term relationship in which we're 50/50 I guess, in terms of both financial and emotional input...

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 02/04/2016 23:05

'I just have an idealistic view of a long-term relationship in which we're 50/50 I guess, in terms of both financial and emotional input...'

And yet, everything he is showing you is indicating this won't be the case. He's happy doing what he's always done - putting himself first, guitars, holidays, going out. Again, that's fine. But you're incompatible.

Trills · 02/04/2016 23:08

He's clearly not 50/50 in financial terms.

Is he 50/50 in emotional terms?

Original poster

MalcolminaX · 02/04/2016 23:11

Bitter

If I said he could move in but not pay rent, only half my bills, I think he'd be thrilled! It'd save him a fortune.

I thought I'd get more varied opinions on this but maybe the injustice I perceived was right after all.

OP posts:

Original poster

MalcolminaX · 02/04/2016 23:14

He's more than 50% emotionally! He's really supportive and kind and thoughtful and caring.

OP posts:

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