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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think, no it isn't normal for a 3 year old to hit other children AIBU to dread going out or having company for ds?

37 replies

WalkingBread · 02/04/2016 19:54

Ds is usually fairly well behaved around adults, the odd tantrum but generally is ok.

Around other children he is horrific, has real issues sharing and hits out.

It's got to the stage that I'm embarrassed to have company for him as his behaviour is so poor. He just will not share, so possessive of his space and toys.

Friend today asked "do the nursery not complain about him?" Strange thing is he is apparently well behaved there.

I worried I'm going to run out of friends Sad he hit her son on the nose and it bled Sad. I would be totally furious if it were other way round so I see why she was annoyed.

I don't see other children behaving like this.

I parent my other child exactly the same and she, although younger, does not appear to have the same issues.

I've done stickers, positive reinforcement, time out, talking, withholding things he likes but nothing works.

It can't be normal to dread going out with your children surely?

OP posts:
OhForTheLoveOfGin · 02/04/2016 19:58

Not quite dread but it certainly can be a challenge! A friend once 'joked' that she never went out when her kid was aged 2-3 for exactly the same reason. I thought she was crazy...then mine hit that age and I fully understood.

You're not alone Flowers

wannadancethenightaway · 02/04/2016 19:59

I don't know but I feel for you. Surely your friends understand that this isn't a result of your parenting.

Some children are just a handful. I don't think there's any other label that just an exhausting handful.

Awful to say, but my brother was like this as a child and it took another child to stand up to him to stop his behaviour. I remember my mum being so happy that another child had finally done it.

DecaffCoffeeAndRollupsPlease · 02/04/2016 20:05

My sympathies, no advice as mine had different behaviour but that is the age I found most challenging with a child.

TimeToMuskUp · 02/04/2016 20:08

DS1 wasn't ever like that. DS2 went through a phase at about 3 where every week at Playgroup and playdates he'd wallop someone or get in a scuffle. I used to dread spending time with friends but had to keep on for my own sanity.

It'll probably get me flamed for admitting it but when he got like this, I was a bit mean; I'd praise any sharing or playing nicely alongside other children and the minute he hit someone I would pack up and leave. It took a few times for him to connect the two things but the shock of each playdate or playgroup ending so abruptly made him realise that I wasn't going to back down. He's 5 now and wouldn't dream of hitting anyone (except DS1, but that doesn't count really because they spend 90% of their time dressed as jedi's trying to thrash each other with light sabres). It does pass. And in the meantime keep praising all the lovely bits.

huskylover · 02/04/2016 20:08

I would be totally furious if it were other way round so I see why she was annoyed

Aren't you furious? With him, I mean? He needs to know you are very, very, angry with him. Smacked bottom and a stern telling off.

LillyInTheMoon · 02/04/2016 20:11

Your DS sounds exactly like mine. He's also 3. I have no advice just sympathy. It's an utter nightmare.

The only difference is that my DS can be quite challenging at nursery, too. I've spoken to them about it and they've just advised to continue to be consistent and he will grow out of it eventually

1234needaname · 02/04/2016 20:14

Smacked bottom Shock

you think hitting him will teach him not to hit??

LittleNelle · 02/04/2016 20:16

What are the issues around sharing? Is it different at home because it is his toys?

Could you let him put some special toys away before playdates that won't be touched and agree with him that the other toys are to be shared?

gamerchick · 02/04/2016 20:16

Man, you're well brave husky Grin

Dellarobia · 02/04/2016 20:17

My DS2 went through a hitting phase when he was 2. Sympathy for you - it's so stressful. I found that the only thing that worked was giving him ONE warning, and if he did it again, taking him straight home.

He's now 6 and is a gentle, well-behaved boy. I honestly wouldn't have believed you if you'd told me that a few years ago!

gamerchick · 02/04/2016 20:19

Ime all 3 yr olds are hard work. You have to watch like a hawk and immediately act when something happens.

LillyInTheMoon · 02/04/2016 20:19

Also I agree with the PP who said to pack up and leave whatever activity you're doing when there's an incident. I've been doing the same and it does seem to be making a difference. When we're at a play date or play group, the moment he hits I pack our bag and leave.

GoodStuffAnnie · 02/04/2016 20:22

I would not go anywhere with possibilities that he could bphit. Avoid playgroups etc. If you want to carry on going you need to be right next to him.

It's not that uncommon.

Kids hit. That's life. It will pass. Bit ott in my opinion to be furious if another kid hit yours.

Bungleboggs · 02/04/2016 20:24

My ds used to bite, hit and say very loudly "I don't like those children" cringe, two years on at school he's a different boy. Very gentle and kind. Grew out of it

fabricbag · 02/04/2016 20:26

My DS was like this from just before he turned 3. He's now 4 and there has been a little, very limited improvement... but I can see we are getting there and it will end eventually. It is very isolating and I have despaired about it many times and flet like an awful parent though my other DC is completely different! The only thing that seems to work is leaving any social situation AS SOON as he hits out. Crap for me especially as I only really get to see other adults with my DC with me, but I couldn't let other children be put in that situation and want to send a strong message that it us not acceptable.

fabricbag · 02/04/2016 20:27

Oh and also I encourage him to approach other kids first and for him to ask them to play with him. He seems to be worse if he feels like they've invaded his space or interrupted his play so this empowers him a bit.

purplemunkey · 02/04/2016 20:27

Teach a kid not to hit by hitting them?!

Donthate · 02/04/2016 20:29

If your ds can behave at nursery then you need to be on top of it. Warn him before you go out in a stern voice 'if you hit we will come straight home and you will not go to x later" when you arrive say "what are you not allowed to do?" And "what will happen if you do". Do this every single time and follow through on your threat. It's exhausting but better to sort it now than wait.

FirstWeTakeManhattan · 02/04/2016 20:46

Aren't you furious? With him, I mean? He needs to know you are very, very, angry with him. Smacked bottom and a stern telling off

A three year old will not be able to make the emotional connection between what he has done, your anger and the fact that the person he loves is hitting him.

No matter how many time you do it.

FirstWeTakeManhattan · 02/04/2016 20:47

Btw, OP. I've been there, I do understand. My DS is now a gorgeous, sweet 6 year old who plays very happily and shares his toys.

It's a stage, and it will end.

Original poster
WalkingBread · 02/04/2016 20:49

I'm so firm with him. Me talk in detail about not hitting, not pushing and good sharing and he will say "OK mummy"

When we arrive in company despite being so happy about spending time with friends, he just will not behave.

I'm really at end of tether.

I'm a teacher and have no trouble getting s class of 30 to behave but my own child...not a chance!

OP posts:
Smartiepants79 · 02/04/2016 20:55

Hitting other children and find sharing difficult is very common for children this age. I would expect most parents to be aware of that. It's a rare child indeed that has never hurt another child.
The issue is really all about how you deal with it. Do the other parents see you being proactive in dealing with it or just being embarrassed but letting it slide?
I agree with others about taking him out of these situations when this happens. A firm warning but then if anything else happens, he goes home.
It should be just a phase that he will grow out of as long as you make your boundaries clear and stick with them.
It's interesting he has no issues at nursery? What is different there?

paxillin · 02/04/2016 20:55

Agree with pps advising to leave after each hitting immediately. If it happens in your house, keep your friend and their children in the sitting room and remove your ds immediately to his room.

Immediate action is key. Any later and he won't make the connection. Leave the " no ice cream tonight/ Disneyland cancelled next week" punishments for when he's older, they won't help this young.

Muskateersmummy · 02/04/2016 21:01

My dd is the opposite. Fine outside the house but if friends come to play sharing is very difficult. Not hitting and alike but a total refusal to share. She doesn't like to share on her turf! We are working on it and it's getting better. She's 3 so I do think it's a age thing.

I would agree with pp's who suggest 1 warning and then pack up and leave. Flowers op, it's a tough one

HarlotBronte · 02/04/2016 21:04

While obviously this is on the more difficult end of the spectrum, I think it's pretty normal for 3 year olds to deliver the odd wallop when unhappy. I've a rather mild mannered one who's done it.