To think, no it isn't normal for a 3 year old to hit other children AIBU to dread going out or having company for ds?

[WalkingBread]

Ds is usually fairly well behaved around adults, the odd tantrum but generally is ok.

Around other children he is horrific, has real issues sharing and hits out.

It's got to the stage that I'm embarrassed to have company for him as his behaviour is so poor. He just will not share, so possessive of his space and toys.


Friend today asked "do the nursery not complain about him?" Strange thing is he is apparently well behaved there.

I worried I'm going to run out of friends he hit her son on the nose and it bled . I would be totally furious if it were other way round so I see why she was annoyed.


I don't see other children behaving like this.

I parent my other child exactly the same and she, although younger, does not appear to have the same issues.

I've done stickers, positive reinforcement, time out, talking, withholding things he likes but nothing works.

It can't be normal to dread going out with your children surely?

[Disabrie22]

It's really very normal - my youngest child is three and has done it occasionally - my now six year was terrible at three and has grown up to be lovely. Its territorial most of the time - it your child doesn't do it - it's their personality really - unless the parenting is dreadful which obviously isn't in your case.
I saw someone smack their kid the other day and it just terrified them - you really don't need to smack a child to let them know they are in trouble.
He'll get through it I promise - all the advice on here is spot on (apart from smacking)

[TimeToMuskUp]

I absolutely agree with the pp who said don't avoid social situations; at some point he's going to spending time with other children so better he continues being social but learns to handle his anger/upset differently. Consistency and loads of gentle praise.

He's still so, so little though. Smacking a child for hitting someone is beyond madness. He is a tiny vulnerable creature only just beginning to handle himself and social situations. To imagine that a smack would somehow add to his learning is bonkers.

[Mrstumbletap]

I can sympathise OP, my DS is very similar or I could even say he is worse as he does it at nursery too. But I'm just dealing with it consistently he used to hit me and DH a LOT, but we just became very firm and every single time he did it he went straight on the thinking step. Now he he very rarely hits us, maybe once a month and you can tell he is instantly thinking 'uh oh I shouldn't have done that' and he goes straight on the thinking step again.

He also isn't great with sharing and will push another child if they try to take a toy he is playing with off him, so I just say to him every day, you need to tell me/key worker etc if someone snatches your toy/ you should share and be kind etc Just keep telling them what they should do, I know it will get better, it just seems to take a while, consistency is key.
I'm on a play date tomorrow and the first thing I will do is sit with my DS and my friends little boy and talk about sharing and gentle hands, it kind of 'sets the tone' then if he pushes or hits he will be put on the thinking step at her house.

Don't avoid those situations too much though, as they need to learn the social rules and can only do that by being in social settings ifyswim?

[LeanneBattersby]

My son started indiscriminately biting, pushing and hitting aged 16 months. I had to follow him around so he was within touching distance for two years. It was absolutely awful. He was so possessive and territorial over his toys and his space. I tried everything - time out, being firm, ignoring, shouting.

I'll be honest, nothing we really did helped improve things. We coped by avoiding triggers. So we had no friends round to ours because that's where his behaviour was worst. We didn't have his most precious stuff anywhere near other children. We had massive amounts of praise for good behaviour and endless reward charts and treats. They were immediately confiscated for bad behaviour.

We had some success with 1, 2, 3 magic.

I was hugely worried. Thought I'd done something hideously wrong or there was something the matter with him. Had visions of him up before the magistrates by the age of 10.

He's 5y 4m now, is in reception and is, no exaggeration, an ANGEL. His behaviour improved dramatically a bit before his fourth birthday. He, all-of-a-sudden, just got it. He'd never dream of hitting another child now and on the odd occasion when I have to shout at him, he actually cries. Two years ago he would have laughed at me and carried on when I was form with him.

Honestly op, if you continue to have very clear rules and boundaries, he will eventually get there. It's just tough having to wait for that time.

[Lemonblast]

If you've tried strategies that don't work, I'd adopt a zero tolerance approach. Warn him beforehand that if he hits he will be going home or straight to his room. At the first sign of violent behaviour, swoop in, pick him up and remove him. Let him know that you are cross with him. Even if it's a birthday party or special occasion, he has to learn. Hitting hard enough to cause a bloody nose is full on so I'd also be keeping him within arms reach for a while, as inconvenient as that may be.

[LittleLionMansMummy]

It's very common behaviour op and you have my sympathy. 3 was the most difficult age ime and it's hard work but you just have to persevere and keep responding consistently, always paying more attention to the child who has been hit. It will pass and as long as people see you dealing with it they are very understanding.

Ds is 5 now and totally past it - extremely caring and gentle with other children, particularly those smaller/ younger than him. He's developed real empathy for others and is much better at vocalising his feelings rather than hitting out.

[DoJo]

I'm sure I'm teaching you to suck eggs, but do you talk about alternatives to hitting?

'If someone does something you don't like, then come and tell me.'
'If you are having trouble sharing, I will help you and your friends to take turns.' etc

I found my son lashed out when he was upset or thought he had been 'wronged' but once we had really hammered home that he should come and tell me, he was much less inclined to respond violently.

[Littleredhouse]

Sympathy from me! My 3 year old Ds has hitting issues, but it happens more at nursery. It does make me tense when we have friends over or go to other people's houses - I feel like I'm always on alert.

[Swirlingasong]

Immediate consequences and just sticking with it. I have found 3 the worst age so far and things got instantly better at 4! You won't lose your friends if they see you dealing with it well and also, do just be honest with them. I have great respect for the friend who asked to come over to our house but said her dc was going through a hitting phase so asked me to watch closely too and said they may well leave early. It took me a long time to want to see the family whose child literally sent my child flying across the room off a chair and shortly afterwards let said child have a chocolate treat.

I also agree with the pp who suggested structure might help and lots of preparation for your son.

[Wolfiefan]

Such a young child won't hold the conversation you had before going out once in a group setting.
Sit with the kids playing?
Model good behaviour? Offer words to deal with his feelings.
Step in before the situation ends in hitting?
Praise the good stuff.

[SueTrinder]

Another vote for leaving immediately if he does it. Violence from a child needs to be dealt with consistently and immediately so they make the connection. DD1 was a terrible hitter, not with other kids but to me. When she was in reception she would hit me on the walk home from school. Lots of reasons why she was misbehaving (she had a baby brother who was born prematurely and was in and out of hospital that year and the stress of me not always being around came out in her behaviour). The rule there was always 'no TV when you get home' which worked well with a 4/5 year old. She grew out of it.

[knittingwithnettles]

Structure when his friends come might help. Like in nursery? So he knows exactly what they will play with, and what the plan is, when the snack is coming and where they are going to play (inside outside, living room or bedroom, kitchen or hall) You might need to supervise a lot to start with so he feels it is structured, and then he might feel calmer about people in his personal space. So you organise the play rather than him ifysim? Sounds ridiculous when you are talking about a few pre schoolers playing together but it might be what he needs. ie games of snap, hide and seek, ritualised activity session (ie playdough, or jigsaw, or duplo)

You could always try that? My four year old found having friends over very difficult, and kept coming to talk to the adults. He was only diagnosed with dyspraxia at 13, but has significant issues with sensory overload, personal space. He was always very well behaved at school and a lovel y boy generally -just couldn't work out the rules of social interaction early on. Play for some children is really hard work and needs a lot of scaffolding. He got better at it!!!

[HarlotBronte]

While obviously this is on the more difficult end of the spectrum, I think it's pretty normal for 3 year olds to deliver the odd wallop when unhappy. I've a rather mild mannered one who's done it.

[Muskateersmummy]

My dd is the opposite. Fine outside the house but if friends come to play sharing is very difficult. Not hitting and alike but a total refusal to share. She doesn't like to share on her turf! We are working on it and it's getting better. She's 3 so I do think it's a age thing.

I would agree with pp's who suggest 1 warning and then pack up and leave. op, it's a tough one

[paxillin]

Agree with pps advising to leave after each hitting immediately. If it happens in your house, keep your friend and their children in the sitting room and remove your ds immediately to his room.

Immediate action is key. Any later and he won't make the connection. Leave the " no ice cream tonight/ Disneyland cancelled next week" punishments for when he's older, they won't help this young.

[Smartiepants79]

Hitting other children and find sharing difficult is very common for children this age. I would expect most parents to be aware of that. It's a rare child indeed that has never hurt another child.
The issue is really all about how you deal with it. Do the other parents see you being proactive in dealing with it or just being embarrassed but letting it slide?
I agree with others about taking him out of these situations when this happens. A firm warning but then if anything else happens, he goes home.
It should be just a phase that he will grow out of as long as you make your boundaries clear and stick with them.
It's interesting he has no issues at nursery? What is different there?

[WalkingBread]

I'm so firm with him. Me talk in detail about not hitting, not pushing and good sharing and he will say "OK mummy"

When we arrive in company despite being so happy about spending time with friends, he just will not behave.

I'm really at end of tether.

I'm a teacher and have no trouble getting s class of 30 to behave but my own child...not a chance!

[FirstWeTakeManhattan]

Btw, OP. I've been there, I do understand. My DS is now a gorgeous, sweet 6 year old who plays very happily and shares his toys.

It's a stage, and it will end.

[FirstWeTakeManhattan]

Aren't you furious? With him, I mean? He needs to know you are very, very, angry with him. Smacked bottom and a stern telling off

A three year old will not be able to make the emotional connection between what he has done, your anger and the fact that the person he loves is hitting him.

No matter how many time you do it.

[Donthate]

If your ds can behave at nursery then you need to be on top of it. Warn him before you go out in a stern voice 'if you hit we will come straight home and you will not go to x later" when you arrive say "what are you not allowed to do?" And "what will happen if you do". Do this every single time and follow through on your threat. It's exhausting but better to sort it now than wait.

[purplemunkey]

Teach a kid not to hit by hitting them?!

[fabricbag]

Oh and also I encourage him to approach other kids first and for him to ask them to play with him. He seems to be worse if he feels like they've invaded his space or interrupted his play so this empowers him a bit.

[fabricbag]

My DS was like this from just before he turned 3. He's now 4 and there has been a little, very limited improvement... but I can see we are getting there and it will end eventually. It is very isolating and I have despaired about it many times and flet like an awful parent though my other DC is completely different! The only thing that seems to work is leaving any social situation AS SOON as he hits out. Crap for me especially as I only really get to see other adults with my DC with me, but I couldn't let other children be put in that situation and want to send a strong message that it us not acceptable.

[Bungleboggs]

My ds used to bite, hit and say very loudly "I don't like those children" cringe, two years on at school he's a different boy. Very gentle and kind. Grew out of it

[GoodStuffAnnie]

I would not go anywhere with possibilities that he could bphit. Avoid playgroups etc. If you want to carry on going you need to be right next to him.

It's not that uncommon.

Kids hit. That's life. It will pass. Bit ott in my opinion to be furious if another kid hit yours.