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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Bridesmaid hotel rooms

68 replies

WastingTime123 · 02/04/2016 15:35

Hi all.

I'm getting married next year so plenty of time to worry about details I am just trying to get a relatively accurate budget together and don't know if myself and DF should pay for this or not.

I have six bridesmaids - I know that's a lot, they are all adult friends but we grew up together and out of our group two are married so far and we were all bridesmaids for them so it's a 'tradition'. I moved away from our home town for work and live in a city three hours away.

Obviously myself and DF will be paying for their BM dresses (just so you have the whole picture) and presents for them on the day. We fully agree if we ask someone to be involved in our wedding they shouldn't incur costs for this.

However - should we offer to pay for their hotel rooms to come to the wedding? I was thinking we should pay for the night before the wedding and they could pay for the night of the wedding. But they will all be with boyfriends/ partners so we would be paying for them too and although the hotel is reasonable it would add up to about £720 for all of them for a room for one night.

My best friend (in the group) was married last year and the same group of us were bridesmaids and as part of their package they had accommodation for the bridal party the night before, we then all paid in excess of £200 for a room for the night of the wedding. (It was one of those deals where they had hired out the venue and needed to fill the rooms. Also just to clarify I was happy to do that.) The rooms in the hotel we will be staying in are £120 per night.

Some of my BMs really don't have a lot of money. At the wedding there will be a paid for bar so when at the event they won't need to pay for anything.

AIBU to not offer to pay for any of their accommodation?

OP posts:

badg3r · 02/04/2016 21:39

I have been a bridesmaid a couple of times and always paid for my accommodation. It would be £240 for two nights and the last wedding everyone paid £250 for one night (presumably) without any hassle. I think it's ok if you can't afford it to not sub accommodation. Ask them if they would prefer an air bnb for the first night but for the sake of £40ish I would personally would prefer just to stay in the same place the whole time.

BackforGood · 03/04/2016 00:06

Surely if these folks are close enough to you, to be asked to be your bridesmaids, then you can have a simple conversation with them all - form a WhatsApp group or a FB Messenger Group or something and let them know the options.

Let them know - obviously with 6 of them staying, plus OHs, you obviously can't afford to put them all up for the weekend, and you've thought about the following options.......
a) hotel where the wedding is - rooms cost £x
b) other nearby hotels / guest houses, costing £x-£50
c) this massive house share with a double room each, costing £y between them all
d)local B&B
or
e) would they prefer to travel down on the morning of the wedding and only stay one night
or
f) other suggestions

I find it strange that isn't the first thought - I could easily have this conversation with anyone who was so close to me that I wanted them to be my bridesmaid.

ProjectPerfect · 03/04/2016 20:20

bearbehind because we basically had a big girlie sleepover the night (albeit eventually retiring to own rooms).

We had dinner, then cocktails in the bar, then champagne and shots in my suite, in the morning we woke up had breakfast in our PJs and then drank more champagne whilst we had our hair and make up done.

I was happy to pay the expenses of the additional rooms so we could do that

shebird · 03/04/2016 20:36

OP you say you are paying for the bridesmaids dresses and a present. Are you also paying for hair, makeup, shoes, accessories etc? Being a bridesmaid seems to have a lot of hidden extra costs not to mention holiday leave and the hen do/ dos. The additional night before the wedding is just another extra cost.

bearbehind · 03/04/2016 20:41

But that goes back to my point about it being bad form to pay for them when you want them there and not bothering when you no longer need them project. They clearly felt they needed to stay the night of the wedding, therefore they did, but they had to foot the bill.

I guess there's no definitive answer but I'd have raised an eyebrow at being asked to do that.

WetLettuce123 · 03/04/2016 21:32

We are paying for dresses, hair, shoes, make up accessories and gift. The wedding will have a free bar so they won't have to pay anything there. We are not covering anyone's travel costs to the venue. I'm still unsure about the accommodation as its such a big cost for the group of rooms but maybe if they don't need to pay for annoy thing other than their travel and that then that will be ok? It will still be less of an "overall cost" of being a bridesmaid than the other two weddings in the group so far.

Brummiegirl15 · 03/04/2016 21:43

Reading this thread with interest. I'm getting married this year and have 4 bridesmaids- although 3 of them are family (sister, cousin and niece). I'm paying for all dresses, shoes, hair, make up and gift. But not paying for hotel.

However I have told bridesmaids entirely up to them where they stay and don't feel they have to stay night before or even if they don't want to they don't have to stay in that hotel, that said the reception is only about 40 minutes from where my bridesmaid friend lives

I'm worried now that I should be paying for hotel as well!!!!

Balletgirlmum · 03/04/2016 21:47

I wouldn't have thought it was necessary unless you are quite well off & they are skint. I couldn't have afforded to do that.

We had to travel 200 miles for dh to be a best man so we borrowed my parents touring caravan & had our family holiday the week of the wedding - no need to stay in the actual hotel if they don't want to.

summerainbow · 03/04/2016 21:57

Have you thought about putting them up at yours the night before

WetLettuce123 · 03/04/2016 22:00

We live in a one bedroom flat which my DF will be staying in the night before so no room unfortunately.

BrummieGirl15- good to know someone else in this boat! I think the reason I'm thinking about this one so much is the wedding is 100% too far for them to stay at home either night it is definitely 2 nights in a hotel. However they can stay in WHICHEVER hotel they choose, I really don't mind at all.

In all honesty we can't afford to pay for their hotels without cutting back drastically on something else but I would do that if it was considered the "right" thing to do.

Brummiegirl15 · 03/04/2016 22:15

It hasn't even occurred to me!!! I said to my bridesmaid friend that I completely appreciated that £129 was a lot for the hotel we were going to be in, so as a lot of our friends are staying in the Premier Inn 2 miles away at £48 it was completely up to her where she stayed.

I guess my view is that her room is the only thing she'd have to pay for as I'm covering everything else.

ProjectPerfect · 04/04/2016 04:36

bearbehind What do you mean they clearly felt the need to stay the night of the wedding? Not mine they didn't...

If you follow your logic to its natural conclusion surely you should be paying for all your guests to stay the night of your wedding?

I have never had an issue with staying before/after peoples wedding- regardless of who picks up the tab. I know it's the done thing on MN to pick apart every aspect of a wedding but I actually love them: you see close friends/family commit to each other and celebrate that.

I'm fine with having a snigger at a wedding poem but I'm not sure where the obligatory negativity vitriol has come from

Magstermay · 04/04/2016 05:11

I was bridesmaid for a close friend and we paid for our own wedding night accommodation but she paid for the night before as it was her choice to have us there. If I hadn't been a bridesmaid I would have gone to the wedding and stayed the night after anyway so I don't see why the bride and groom should pay for me to stay.

I think that's fine to do personally, I'd just talk to them and say you'd like to pay for them to stay the night before, where would they like to stay? If they want to stay somewhere cheaper the night of the wedding they might prefer to be there the night before too so they don't have to move? If they do stay somewhere cheaper perhaps you could pay to take them for dinner or drinks?

Dixiechick17 · 04/04/2016 05:32

I was Maid of honour for my best friend last year and the wedding was two hours away from where I live. I happily paid to spend two nights in the hotel, It wouldn't have ever occured to me not to, all the guests happily pay to stay over should they choose to, why should I be any different. In my case the bride had already bought me a dress, jewellery, paid for hair and make up and a gift. It was the same when I got married.

Piemernator · 04/04/2016 09:14

You are far too reasonable, I only click on wedding threads for tales of bonkers bridezillas.

Last time I was a bridesmaid I stayed at the grandparents home of the bride.
Good luck with your plans.

Summerblaze100 · 04/04/2016 11:06

As far as I can see, the bridesmaids are saving on costs anyway as they don't have to pay for an outfit whereas normal guests will and pay for room too.

I would say they pay as long as you don't mind if they stay somewhere cheaper.

Alternatively, ask their opinions. They may have thoughts you haven't thought of. Xx

Oly5 · 04/04/2016 21:09

Come on summer, people with little cash don't splash out on a new dress for every wedding. Lots of guests will come in dresses worn several times previously and won't stay at the hotel because they can't afford it.
The expectation around weddings is horrible

Janeymoo50 · 04/04/2016 21:17

Look at booking a cheap flexible rate room/s now at a local place but make sure you get a deal that allows you to cancel/amend up until the day of stay. But, to answer your question, a contribution is fine, i am marrying on 28 May and gave my bridesmaids a sum of money to get their dress, shoes etc and added a bit on and said "towards hotel cost". It hasn't covered it all from what I can see but at least 60% so they aren't totally skint (both young and not high earners yet, but I could afford to help them a little).

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