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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Bridesmaid hotel rooms

68 replies

WastingTime123 · 02/04/2016 15:35

Hi all.

I'm getting married next year so plenty of time to worry about details I am just trying to get a relatively accurate budget together and don't know if myself and DF should pay for this or not.

I have six bridesmaids - I know that's a lot, they are all adult friends but we grew up together and out of our group two are married so far and we were all bridesmaids for them so it's a 'tradition'. I moved away from our home town for work and live in a city three hours away.

Obviously myself and DF will be paying for their BM dresses (just so you have the whole picture) and presents for them on the day. We fully agree if we ask someone to be involved in our wedding they shouldn't incur costs for this.

However - should we offer to pay for their hotel rooms to come to the wedding? I was thinking we should pay for the night before the wedding and they could pay for the night of the wedding. But they will all be with boyfriends/ partners so we would be paying for them too and although the hotel is reasonable it would add up to about £720 for all of them for a room for one night.

My best friend (in the group) was married last year and the same group of us were bridesmaids and as part of their package they had accommodation for the bridal party the night before, we then all paid in excess of £200 for a room for the night of the wedding. (It was one of those deals where they had hired out the venue and needed to fill the rooms. Also just to clarify I was happy to do that.) The rooms in the hotel we will be staying in are £120 per night.

Some of my BMs really don't have a lot of money. At the wedding there will be a paid for bar so when at the event they won't need to pay for anything.

AIBU to not offer to pay for any of their accommodation?

OP posts:
incandescentalright · 02/04/2016 16:18

I'd offer to pay for the night of the wedding and say it's up to them whether they want to stay over the night before. Then they can decide.

TheNaze73 · 02/04/2016 16:24

I think you should pay for both nights. I'm with Bearbehind

Greyponcho · 02/04/2016 16:28

Depends whether the venue is miles away from other accommodation civilisation tbh...
But offering half of the two nights stay would be nice, or a holiday cottage/flat would be nice like you said.

Original poster
WastingTime123 · 02/04/2016 16:37

DF and I live in a one bedroom flat so there isn't enough space to offer them our place to stay in and he'll be staying at home the night before anyway. The venue is in a city centre so lots around a wide variety of hotels and all different budgets nearby.

OP posts:
ClashCityRocker · 02/04/2016 16:38

You all sound like reasonable people (shit shock horror!) so I'd just have a chat with them.

Is everyone stopping at yours the night before not an option? I guess with six bridesmaids and other halfs maybe not.

ClashCityRocker · 02/04/2016 16:39

Ah xpost.

Orwellschild · 02/04/2016 16:43

Paying for night before OR Air bnb sounds very reasonable. Would be nice for you to have your girls with you the morning of your wedding. I've been on both sides - pay for either but not both - if you're going to a wedding that far away you generally will get a hotel for the night of the wedding anyway. Maybe as another gift you could pay for their taxis back to the hotel after the wedding?

BG2015 · 02/04/2016 16:56

We have never done this, but people's circumstances are different.

But it does remind me of when my cousin got married (many years ago now) I remember I had to pay for my own bridesmaid dress, the ushers had to also pay for their suit hire too!! My cousin then sold on the bridesmaid dresses and kept the money! My DM and myself were totally appalled. We still talk about it now and how they thought this was normal.

When I got married my cousin asked me if I wanted any money towards her dress and I had great pleasure in telling her "that we would be providing all outfits for our wedding for all bridesmaids and ushers at no cost to them"

I do love my cousin greatly, but have never understood why we had to pay!

IslandCanary · 02/04/2016 17:50

Offer them twin rooms, to share with each other, for both nights. If they prefer not to share with each other or want partners to sleep there, they can pay for their own.

I think it looks incredibly uncaring and tight to only pay for the first night, when they will be at your service all day and it's too far to travel home that night.

When you choose to have a large number of bridesmaids you need to factor that into the wedding budget and provide accommodation (doesn't matter whether that's in a hotel, b&b or someone's home). At the very least you should offer to pay for 3rooms in the travel-lodge nearby, thereby keeping costs down but not leaving them out of pocket.

Squiff85 · 02/04/2016 17:52

Night before yes as you want them there, night of wedding - no. Their choice to stay xx

Original poster
WastingTime123 · 02/04/2016 17:57

IslandCanary - should I take into account though they didn't pay for accommodation for us at their weddings (the ones happened so far) and one was 100% too far away to travel home?

OP posts:
Bearbehind · 02/04/2016 18:04

Night before yes as you want them there, night of wedding - no. Their choice to stay

I'm completely Shock that some people are so mercenary - you want them there the night before so you'd pay but they can fuck off the night of as they're no use to you any more despite the fact they're only there because of you Hmm

Thurlow · 02/04/2016 18:11

YANBU. But if they don't know your city well, the nice thing to do would be to do the research for them and provide a good list of options for a mix of prices that are all an easy distance from where you're getting ready in the morning.

I was a bridesmaid once for a friend (who turned into a bit of a bridezilla) who was having the wedding at a £120 a night type venue. I told her I couldn't afford to stay there and would be sharing a B&B room with another friend about ten minute's walk down the road. She was not happy Hmm If you want people to stay somewhere specific you need to pay for it.

Original poster
WastingTime123 · 02/04/2016 18:13

BearBehind - surely with that logic I should pay for everyone's train travel as well, and what about rooms for guests? Should all ushers and groomsmen have all expenses covered too?

OP posts:
Bearbehind · 02/04/2016 18:14

It does seem like you're over thinking this OP.

If the others didn't pay for you to stay when they got married and you don't mind where they stay then leave them to it.

Bearbehind · 02/04/2016 18:18

Not at all OP.

I complete understand not paying for your guests/ bridal party to stay (unless you are inviting upon where they stay then you should pay)

I don't understand paying for them to stay the night before but not the night of on the basis that they are of use to you before but not after.

IMO , you either pay for both or neither.

Bearbehind · 02/04/2016 18:19

Insisting not inviting.

Gobbolino6 · 02/04/2016 18:23

Could they stay at your home?

Primaryteach87 · 02/04/2016 18:29

I think the Air bnb would be great. Lots of fun!

ProjectPerfect · 02/04/2016 18:39

I paid for mine the night before because I wanted to host a dinner and have them there in the morning of the wedding to get ready together etc.

The night of the wedding there was no need for them to stay as the venue was easy taxi distance to their homes (central London location) so it was their choice although they all stayed propped up bar to the early hours

Oly5 · 02/04/2016 18:44

I have been a penniless bridesmaid and the bride expected me to pay for accommodation. It reduced me to tears.
I think you should pay for one night - either the night before or the night of and ask if they can foot the bill for the other night.
It's not ok to ask ppl to be bridesmaids who are skint and then have it in a venue that ties them to paying for expensive hotel rooms.
I think you have to pay one night. and I wouldn't want air bnb either.

sepa · 02/04/2016 18:54

I paid for my hotel room when I was bridesmaid for the day of the wedding. The night before I stayed at the brides house. If you want your bridesmaids at the hotel the night before the wedding then you pay. If they want to stay they pay.
The other bridesmaid at the wedding I was at didn't stay and the bride didn't mind

Hezaire · 02/04/2016 19:22

I like the twin room idea

Rainatnight · 02/04/2016 19:30

I've been a bridesmaid a few times and would never have expected to have my accommodation paid for.

Bearbehind · 02/04/2016 19:58

I just don't get that logic projectperfect

If it was close enough for them to get a taxi on the night of the wedding why did you pay for the night before?