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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think if someone happily announces a pregnancy, congratulations should be the only thing you say?

58 replies

ollieplimsoles · 31/03/2016 18:17

One of dsis's friends has just announced she's pregnant.

We have known her for years and she's like one of the family, she's really excited.

She's 19 and has frequent problems and break ups with her boyfriend, she's also unemployed and lives alone.

She announced on facebook with her scan pic and apart from one or two congratulation comments, the rest range from concerned to just plain mean. Lots of 'you must be joking' and 'but I thought you were trying to work it out with dp/looking for a job' one woman said ' will you be able to afford it'

She told us in person and she mentioned that she has some quite negative comments from family members.

I just feel quite sorry for her, she's really happy about it and she's just been slated really.

OP posts:

CountessOfStrathearn · 31/03/2016 19:51

Ha ha! Indeed!

My DSIL on being told that we were expecting DC4 (we'd been married for some time, aged 30-40, DC2 was stillborn, we'd always said we'd wanted a number of children to give some context, although clearly it didn't matter if that all wasn't the case either!) was silent then asked coldly,

"Is this happy news?"

BertieBotts · 31/03/2016 19:52

I was pregnant at 19 and excited about it, people weren't that judgy, but there was a lot of "Oooh..." or "Was it planned?" my cousin even asked me if I knew who the father was! My grandad said "Oh well these things happen" and my dad barely spoke to me for years - not that this was a huge change.

It didn't really bother me massively at the time TBH, mostly because I was a bit shellshocked myself, but now I'm TTC #2 several years later in more, um, expected circumstances should we say, I've thought back to it and it really upset me in hindsight. I didn't realise but I've now been married over 2 years and we'd talked about TTC before and I'd said not yet, it's only now I've really thought about things that I realised that I've been putting off TTC because I'm anxious that people won't be excited/I won't be allowed to be excited or that I'm not really supposed to have a baby like it's not right.

I wouldn't even have thought through all of that but it came up because of things and just felt kind of sad really. So I think YANBU OP, words can have long lasting effects on people.

OceanView · 31/03/2016 20:02

Fuck that, give the girl a congratulations. The people who have the shittiest relationship and terrible finances can also be the one's that would give a child more love than people who are in a more stable position.

It's nobody's damn business. If you've got nothing nice to say, they should keep it zipped.

Misswrite89 · 31/03/2016 20:05

So I think YANBU OP, words can have long lasting effects on people

This. I can remember most (if not all) of the reactions of my friends and family when we announced our pregnancy.

Queenie73 · 31/03/2016 20:09

I agree that congratulations are the only message that should be sent. Perhaps a friendly message of the "Please let me know if there's anything at all you need help with" variety, or offers of baby equipment etc. But even that is probably best done privately.

WaitroseCoffeeCostaCup · 31/03/2016 20:09

It's so rude! Mind you, one 'friend' asked me 'how on earth can you afford another baby' when I announced my third! I'm 31, happily married with our own house! I was more than a bit

witsender · 31/03/2016 20:16

People are bonkers. On telling DH's family that we were expecting (both in our 30ies, married, jobs and house etc etc) one brother's first words were 'was it planned?'

Oddity.

BitchyComment · 31/03/2016 20:26

I think posting negative comments on Facebook is awful and childish.

I think you have to say congrats even if you are a bit on the inside.

My youngest DD is 19 and if she were to announce she was pregnant I'd be absolutely gutted. I would think it a disaster for her and for the child. I know people can make it work and I've the upmost respect for those that do but I think it's much, much better to wait until you are older until you have children.

There are plenty of sound reasons that teen pregnancy should be avoided such as high levels of depression for teen mothers and increased rates of premature births.

ClarenceTheLion · 31/03/2016 20:37

Given what you tell us about her circumstances -19, unemployed, volatile relationship - privately my heart would sink for her, but I'd keep my thoughts to myself and go out and buy a congratulations card and flowers. If she's determined to have the baby, she should have as positive an experience as possible.

Sometimesithinkimbonkers · 31/03/2016 21:07

We DSIL telling she's pregnant aged 44 and when she had DS 4 years previous she had to go into a mother and baby psychiatric unit.
She asked her DM to look after baby until he was 6.
She hated every minute of bring a mum but thought her don needed a sibling.
Her DH said no more kids but when announced we said good luck rather than congratulations as we thought they needed it more.
If you can't say anything nice ... Don't bother...

We went NC after that as we couldn't deal with watching another child go unnoticed .... Nappy to knees and ignored killed us!

mathanxiety · 31/03/2016 21:18

YANBU and good for you for being a friend to her.

cocochanel21 · 31/03/2016 21:22

I never received ANY congratulations with both my pregnancies.

I was 15 when I had Dd1 my parents as you can imagine were devastated. But it was actually stranger's that made horrible comments one old lady stopped me in the street and asked if I was pregnant? When I said yes she told me their was names for girls like me and my baby would always be known as a bastard. I remember running home crying to my mum.
It all worked out in the end with the help of my parents. Dd1 was the best thing that happened to me although it was hard at times.
23YEARS later finding out I was pregnant with Dd2 everybody just kept saying ARE YOU JOKING? To be fair I was pretty shocked myself starting all over again at 38.

Ragwort · 31/03/2016 21:24

Whilst I agree it is mean to post unpleasant comments on FB (which is why I don't use FB) - having a baby can be a hugely stressful time for anyone - let alone a 19 year old who is unemployed with no partner . I have a young relative who has twice had an unplanned pregnancy - leading to huge problems.

BertieBotts · 31/03/2016 21:33

So being negative about it is supposed to achieve what exactly?

If they are sharing the news then they have already decided to keep the baby. Being judgemental isn't likely to make them go "Oh, wow, you know I hadn't thought of it like that, perhaps it will be a bit difficult after all." and book themselves in with a pregnancy counsellor to discuss termination.

It's nice to treat people with the respect of assuming that they understand the decision they have made and supporting them in that choice unless they are actually asking you for advice about something.

missymayhemsmum · 31/03/2016 21:39

Yanbu. It still matters to me, 25+ years on, that my SiL was the only person who said congratulations (and meant it) to me when dd1 was on the way.
Even if privately you are thinking 'ffs what were you thinking did you need to make your life any harder? ' you say congratulations. Always.

Original poster

ollieplimsoles · 31/03/2016 22:01

I'm really shocked at some of these responses.. When I announced pregnancy with dd last year I got a few jokey 'was it planned?' And 'wow that was quick' which I thought was rude but I'm 26, married and working and just brushed it off.

My exact thoughts where what does this achieve? She has not much else to be happy about believe me, and this news has really given her some strength. I messaged her earlier telling her to ignore the fb comments and come to us if she needed anything. Its just so horrible.

I have the greatest respect for teenage mums who really pull through and rise to the huge challenge of motherhood. Ive known a few in my time and they are all amazing. One had her ds at 16, she went back to college while working part time and she's in the police force now. Another went back to train as a nursery nurse for children with special needs after her ds was born deaf, she was only 18.

I'm really hoping this will be the making of her, ive known her since she was 5 and she's no quitter.

OP posts:

manicinsomniac · 01/04/2016 00:06

YANBU at all. That's appalling and, I think, one of the very bad things about facebook - it's a distance and allows people to say things they'd never dare say to someone's face.

I got pregnant at 19 when I was away at university from a one night stand which was the first time I'd ever had sex. I was absolutely devastated ... people still said congratulations! (I'm not saying they should have congratulated me but I think it shows what an ingrained socially polite response it should be that even the most unsuitable and unwanted of pregnancies are congratulated.)

By the time I got pregnant with DD2 over 4 years later (equally ill timed and unwanted - this one was a result of a rape) I was on facebook and the reactions were far far less kind and supportive.

If she's upset it might be as well to give facebook a rest for a bit.

Itinerary · 01/04/2016 00:15

This may be old-fashioned, but I prefer to save "congratulations" for when the baby has arrived. I'd say "Great news, that's fantastic" or similar to someone who was happily pregnant. What's the point of being unsupportive?

A 19 year old is an adult woman and her decisions should be respected, even if her circumstances aren't what others would consider ideal.

Casmama · 01/04/2016 00:22

Whilst I would never comment other than to say congratulations, there is something about announcing it on facebook that invites comments.

If she is also the sort of person who makes her relationship woes public on facebook and it is clear that she is out of work etc then she is leaving herself wide open to this sort of unpleasantness. I may be wide of the mark here but she may want to consider how much she puts on facebook in future.

WorraLiberty · 01/04/2016 00:25

if someone is happy they are pregnant then congratulations are in order I always thought.

You see I don't agree with that at all. For example, I know a heroin addict in the next road to me who is pregnant. Her 58 year old mother has custody of her 2 daughters, to prevent them from going into care.

She's now heavily pregnant again and still addicted to heroin, cigarettes and alcohol.

She is happy she's pregnant, but I certainly won't be congratulating her and I know her mother won't be either.

However, I say absolutely nothing and just change the subject or pretend I'm in a hurry when she talks about her pregnancy.

SinisterBumFacedCat · 01/04/2016 00:44

YANBU at all. Really what an absolute bunch of judges arseholes.

Apparently there is a dislike button on fb, please use it on all those rude comments.

When I made my Facebook announcement I got nothing but congratulations and likes. That's normal.

MadamDeathstare · 01/04/2016 00:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pambeesley · 01/04/2016 00:56

Because it is not the ideal way to bring a new human into the world. No job, no income and not a secure family life so maybe people shouldn't write it but people shouldn't be jumping up and down with joy either.

austounding · 01/04/2016 01:01

YANBU. As the saying goes, if you can't say anything nice...

You sound lovely, by the way. Glad she has your support.

anotherbusymum14 · 01/04/2016 04:13

Maybe she is joking? It is April Fools, so just a thought. (I just saw a FB post asking people to be sensitive to this "trick" becsuse of people who cannot have babies). Hopefully she is genuinely announcing her pregnancy and is very excited, so yes people should celebrate with her even if they disagree. Hope that makes sense OP.

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