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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu to think it's not just me that obsessively cleans if he HV is coming?

72 replies

Sothisishowitfeels · 29/03/2016 14:41

The health visitor is coming Thursday because my gp contacted her to say I have PND . Of course I have been scrubbing the living room and pretty much anywhere her gaze may fall (the rest of the house can rot away for all I care).

My dh thinks it's crazy but it's not just me is it! Other people do this .... Right??

OP posts:

YoJesse · 29/03/2016 15:54

Yes, always do an obsessive tidy or chucking a load of stuff in a cupboard before anyone but especially healthcare type people come round. I think most people to a bit of a surface clear at least. they're trained to take in the whole picture. Saying that I'm sure they are expect a fair amount of child /baby mess so it's probably pointless

Original poster

Sothisishowitfeels · 29/03/2016 16:17

And my dd has just peed on the rug... Why do I bother

OP posts:

MyBreadIsEggy · 29/03/2016 18:30

I Hoover and have a quick dust around every day, regardless of anyone is coming because of the cat.
But I don't clean especially because the HV is coming. A house that is too clean and perfect can ring alarm bells just as much as a stinking pit of a house!
I'm sure your house is clean enough normally

JeanPadget · 29/03/2016 18:43

When the HV came to visit DD for the first time, I'd made an effort to have the rooms she would see looking clean and tidy. All this was undermined when a bloody mouse ran across the kitchen floor and she saw it. To be fair, we did live in a house with a field, and we had a cat who was a good mouser, but I was soooo embarrassed........

RudeElf · 29/03/2016 18:47

I probably shouldnt be but i'm really pissed off that HCP are deeming a clean house worthy of alarm bells! plenty of people just have clean houses! Its just how they are, its nothing abnormal or concering just because they then have a baby. And plenty of women have fantastic supportive partners and family who just carry on maintaining the house while the mum recovers from the birth.

Vintage45 · 29/03/2016 18:47

With your husbands "help" I'm sure it will be satisfactory.

trashcanjunkie · 29/03/2016 18:52

I think it was the midwife, but some poor health professional walked in and had to step over a dog poo! I could have died. This was the first week home with twins and an older dc. It was so embarrassing, and I felt for our lovely dog who must have been desperate as it had never happened before.

Bloody cocklodger dcs dad was fast asleep in bed, and wouldn't move. I had to give him his marching orders very soon after that.... But the midwife was lovely, didn't bat an eyelid.

I had also asked if cocklodger would Hoover up, and of course he hadn't, so the floor was awful. I could have cried.

JeanPadget · 29/03/2016 18:54

Trashcan that makes me feel better about the mouse!

BeaufortBelle · 29/03/2016 18:59

My eldest is 21 now. Both midwives and HV commented about my house being clean and tidy adinfinitum. And the fact that I was always washed and dressed. Yes, because I am clean and tidy. I was sorely tempted to say "I can't imagine the state you must live in or why you didn't manage to wash your hair before coming to work"

Unless there are concerns about your baby's/family's/your welfare they should be focussing on clinical issues. Funny,one had no consistent advice about engorgement, mastitis, impact of ABs on breast milk, dealing and feeding with a drained breast abscess - plenty of comment about the size of our house though.

jaffacake2 · 29/03/2016 19:01

Just about to retire after 25 years inner city health visiting.
Please don't ever worry about your house being untidy. I have been in all sorts of places and nothing has ever shocked me except the really filthy homes when you gag at the door from the stench , or maybe free running snakes on the floor !!
The most important sight is a happy mum ,dad and baby

SugarplumMary · 29/03/2016 19:29

I tidy and clean when I have ANY visitors

I do too. Though HV have thwarted this by turning up hours early, wrong days or doing unannounced drop ins .

I was embarrassed when DH was very ill - he'd been in hospital I had very young children no help and he'd just got out and we had to have district nurse visits for him. He could barley walk couldn't do stairs and was sleeping downstairs and the kids had toys everywhere and everything was complete chaos and I was just coping.

District nurse was lovely - said it was nice to see a house were the children clearly had a great time and we really shouldn't worry about a tidy house.

CuppaSarah · 29/03/2016 19:57

I don't, but I keep our lounge in a permanent guest ready state. Open the door into the kitchen and its a different story.

Health visitors have a pretty good idea of houses with very young children and the chaos that brings though. They also see it all, a bit of family mess is just normal.

BeaufortBelle · 29/03/2016 20:00

But the thing is SugarPlum HV's shouldn't be turning up unannounced and if they do no mother has to let them in. "I'm awfully sorry, but please telephone me and make a mutually convenient appointment". It's called good manners. Without an appointment or a court order they are not entitled to enter anybody's home. They are obliged to offer visits; no mother in this land is obliged to accept them. That is not disseminated with sufficient clarity.

My HV spoke to me as though I had barely a brain cell, had no respect for my time and was unable to demonstrate that she had the clinicial knowledge, expertise or maturity to provide me with any sensible or pertinent advice at all. Perhaps because it was Inner London.

Oh, and I also managed to keep the house neat and tidy with a toddler and a baby. I never saw a Health Visitor after her second visit to me for either child. All mine said was "I don't know"; "That's what the leaflet says", "I'm not an expert". In which case there was absolutely no need whatsoever to waste my time dealing with her or her colleagues.

There is a shocking blanket of fear allowed to perpetuate due to the lack of transparency around the rights of the HV service, its role and the rights of mothers and families. I'm sure they could be helpful if there was a little more honesty about their role.

jimpam · 29/03/2016 20:05

The first time HV visited us when DS was tiny I had made an effort to clean the living room & kitchen, it looked lovely. Then she went to put his nappy in the bin & came across our glass recycling- it was months' worth as we're not big drinkers & she didn't say anything but I was I really think as long as you all look happy & healthy that's all they're interested in. On another note, my HV was brilliant when I had PND, hope you feel better soon OP

BeaufortBelle · 29/03/2016 20:12

Jaffa can you help out here a bit please. As the GP has contacted the HV, what is the HV expected to do for the OP? Has the role changed and can an HV now refer to other clinical specialists, diagnose, prescribe, provide CBT or other therapies?

SugarplumMary · 29/03/2016 20:13

But the thing is SugarPlum HV's shouldn't be turning up unannounced and if they do no mother has to let them in.

I was aware of that.

However I found it better to go along with it - especially the one that made vague threats about taking it further if I didn't - did end up complaining about that one about another issue.

YellowShockedFace · 29/03/2016 20:17

I think they are just checking to see if your house is reasonably clean and tidy and safe enough for children. I doubt they bother to see how clean it is or use it as a measure of mental health or parenting skills.

Coldtoeswarmheart · 29/03/2016 20:21

I had good HVs with my two, and both told me off for apologising for the dust. They were much more interested in me and the baby.

BeaufortBelle · 29/03/2016 20:31

It's such a significant issue that any mother is made to feel they have to go along with something that isn't helpful Sugarplum due to vague threats with no foundation in statute or reality. It saddens me that 21 years after I had my eldest they are still playing the same old tune.

Original poster

Sothisishowitfeels · 29/03/2016 20:34

I hope that she is nice and can help tbh I have no problem with her "checking up" I feel like I need it. But I can't go on like this I feel really unwell. I have been in hospital loads recently and now I feel so incredibly tired, my heart races for no reason and I get very breathless with skipped beats. I assume this is anxiety but I just want to feel ok .

My sister saw me today and said I look like "a corpse that's had a bad life"

OP posts:

OhGoToSleepPLEASE · 29/03/2016 20:36

Yes! Had her out last week, frantically cleaning all morning before she was due at 2pm! Was only to check/weigh the baby too

wheresthel1ght · 29/03/2016 20:38

Not at all. My rented flat had a real issue with mould when I was pregnant in the porch and the bathroom in spite of keeping windows open all the time. I spent the weekend before my first hv visit repainting to hide it in case she thought I was scummy.

Even now if the hv says she is popping in (moved house and new hv) I will blitz the house and she often laughs at me cos she can hear me yelling at dp to pick up his crap cos she has just pulled up

Crabbitface · 29/03/2016 20:49

Yup i always try and have the place clean and tidy but then I don't hide evidence of actual life. ..like washing drying on the clothes horse. My HV once rang my doorbell at the exact moment that my then four year old had explosive diarrhoea and was screaming at me from the toilet upstairs at the exact same time as i was on the floor changing my new born's explosive nappy. Four year old was SCREAMING, new born was WAILING and i eventually answered the door and literally there was shit everywhere. I even had a wee dollop on my face. She took one look at me and burst out laughing- said "I'll do the wee one, you do the big one". They have seen it all.

She's not coming to test you. She's coming to offer you support and maybe signpost other agencies or groups that can support you with PND.

SouthDownsSunshine · 29/03/2016 20:56

I had a good hv when I had pnd and she brilliant. Would just tell me what an amazing job I was doing, reassure me, told my DH it was his responsibility to look after me and the house so I could look after dd and myself.

A hv will have seen some pretty shocking homes, and they won't judge an overly tidy house either. If in doubt, sprinkle a few toys and books on the sofa/floor!

BeaufortBelle · 29/03/2016 20:58

sothis I really hope you get the help you need. Would a psychiatric referral or referral for CBT help you do you think? Your GP should be doing that for you. It might also be worth asking for full bloods to check your iron, thyroid, bit D etc. Really important to tick that lot off.

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