Feeling let down by my bridesmaid

[Crazymamaha]

I got married last month,and am I right to feel sad and angry and a tiny bit upset that my bridesmaid never bought me a wedding card or gift ?

When my DSis got married I completely forgot about a present until the last minute, and ended up buying the random things left at the end of the gift list... Looking back I suspect she was a bit hurt by the lack of thought I put in, but never mentioned anything. I was really struggling with depression at the time, and the whole wedding thing completely exhausted me - had no head space to think about presents!

Did being a bridesmaid at your wedding and involve at lot of expense for your friend?

I was bridesmaid recently and although the bride claimed that she was paying for everything i.e the dress, shoes and hair, the 'extras' we're not covered and the hen weekend, travel to wedding & hotel stay for 4, dress alterations, expensive accessories, tan, nails etc. soon mounted up to hundreds of pounds. It could have been far worse had I not declined some of the other extras. I did manage a present but financially the whole thing left me broke.

One of my bridesmaids give us our wedding gifts months after our wedding, it was lovely and not at all expected (she did so much for us in the run up to and during our wedding)

YABU simply because your problem seems to be about a gift your BM gave someone else

The reason I was angry was she went to another wedding just after,and had a gift made up especially for the bride that took thought and meaning.Its nothing about the money.I would of loved a card and I just feel a bit hurt sad or am I being a fool to feel this,and i should just forget about it confused.

OP, it sounds like she was a guest at the other wedding, not a bridesmaid. Did she have to pay for her dress/shoes/accessories/hairstyle/makeup/accommodation/hen night party costs/etc to attend your wedding? Because if she did, all that in addition to her time and attention, was your gift. And you should be grateful.

Maybe if you'd have had yr wedding in maui then she wouldve gotten you a present/ card

I don't think sending wedding cards is a common practice.

As for the oft isn't it the bride who buys the bm a gift.

Look, OP, this is Mumsnet. If you expect a present, you're seen as entitled. If you expect thanks for a present, the same applies. If you buy someone a lovely present and they buy you a raw cabbage in exchange, you are not allowed to even feel a bit of resentment.

Depends if you covered all the bridesmaids costs, if her dress, hair, make up etc etc were paid for by you then it would have been good form for her to purchase a gift, I always do a wedding gift, in proportion with the event. Eg less for an evening only invite, more for a day, after all the couple have spent on you. If she had to pay for things towards your wedding already then that may explain the lack of a gift and is understandable as people don't have bottomless pockets. I do understand your thoughts. I only had one guest not do a gift ( and we had things for £5 on our gift list so something for every budget) and I was a bit hurt, she was a good friend, came to the day with a plus one. I always felt I wouldn't 'expect ' gifts but to not bother at all felt uncaring and a bit takey. It also made me a bit twitchy because when doing thank you's the lack of anything from her was highlighted and I worried about if it had been missed and not thanking her would be rude or if I did send a generic gift thank you in case it had been missed I would be rudely pointing out that she hadn't given anything. Etiquette dilemma ! Hence I have learnt, always always do something whenever invited to wedding, birthday, anniversary etc. I cover my ass!!

Even if it cost her to be your bridesmaid, it's incredibly off to not even buy a blinkin' card. You get can them for less than 50p in most cheapo card shops. I'll be generous and assume she has forgotten.

I really don't get the problem.
Maybe she was busy thinking about all the arrangements for the wedding? Maybe she just forgot? who cares?

I've been marred 27 years. I can't remember who sent me a card and who didn't.

I'm with everyone else, depends how much she forked out on being a bridesmaid.

Was she helpful and supportive before/during your wedding day?
Only one of my bridesmaids gave us a wedding gift. Some of the guests didn't either and we didn't care. We'd invited people we genuinely wanted to come and celebrate our wedding with us and if the either didn't want to or couldn't afford to give us anything then that was fine. I was slightly pissed off about the bouncing cheque from one of the neighbours, but nobody died because of it.
I wouldn't dwell on it to be honest, or let it sour (presumably) an otherwise good relationship.

Yes, you are right Light. It is the bride and groom who should buy the BMs' a present not the other way round.

Your BM is probably sat at home peed off that you didn't get her a presise! Or maybe she doesn't give a toss.

You were meant to buy her a gift! Did you buy one for her??

I know it's easy to forget about other people in the crazy whoosh that is planning a wedding, but someone else's time is also a gift.

After spending quite a bit on petrol and train tickets down to sort out my mates wedding and hen do (she lives at the opposite end of the country), not to mention the unpaid time making her a wedding website, fancy guestlist and menu, favours, being a taxi service for her and the groom, arranging the guests when they arrived, etc... I wasn't really in the mood to shell out more money on a gift. Perhaps other people see it differently.

op isn't answering the questions.
I'm guessing her BM has suffered enough.

Yes of course we bought her a present to say thankyou for being part of our day.We payed for her and her husband and children to stay at our hotel,we payed for her hair and dress and shoes.But that's not what is making me upset I just thought it was sad,I made a special card to say thankyou also for being my bridesmaid and i see what she bought her friend and I suppose it's like being back at school I feel

We paid for DH's nieces bridesmaid dresses/shoes, paid for nephew's ushers outfit. Paid for FIL's suit to match wedding party, paid for BIL's suit as best man. Not so much as a card from any of them. 10 years on it still winds me up, especially as FIL moans if his birthday card is a day late! Grrrrrr!

Sorry, letting off steam! Back to the OP, I do think a card would have been nice, even if she'd paid for her own outfit.

I don't think that it is traditional for a bridesmaid to give gifts, as they would be young unmarried girls with no income originally, It is traditional that the groom buys them a gift, such as a piece of jewellry.

OP it sounds like you were a lovely bride, and on the basis you describe I too would be hurt. Some people just lack style and I think you should absolutely not take it personally. I bet your wedding was wonderful.

Then she was rude. I know people say you shouldn't expect but in reality when you are looking at how generous people have been and thinking how lovely it is harsh when you see someone you consider to be a closer friend didn't bother. It makes you wonder why.

I wouldn't expect a gift, but a card would have been nice. Can't understand all this stuff about bridesmaids shelling out for stuff. I paid for dress, shoes, hair, the lot. Also gave a gift to say thank you. But I had the worst bridesmaid ever!! She gave zero help with anything, only bothered showing up for HER dress fittings and promised to take care of the hen do...she didn't. Not only did I run around after her but I didn't have a hen do. I look back and think I was very young and naive, and only asked her because she was my oldest friend...bit of a shit one really.

I would be sad too. Bit thoughtless, although many people are unfortunately

She agreed to be your BM though.. it's not a snub x
Some people just think cards are for saying stuff you haven't had a chance to say in person (like if you're a guest who didn't get much bride-time at the actual wedding etc) x