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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

MIL nightmare

69 replies

minieggedoffmyhead · 27/03/2016 20:34

I've always had a great relationship with MIL even though DH has a fractious relationship to say the least (she can be very difficult).

Since DS has been born things have taken a turn for the worse. I want my DS to have a great relationship with all of his grandparents but she is really overbearing and intense.

I won't go into all of the issues but one is that she is telling everyone that she hardly sees us- I make the effort to see her twice a week a lot of the time without DH. She also refuses to acknowledge me as 'mummy' to my DS when I am with her and uses terms like 'milk machine' and tells me my DS only recognises me as food (DS is 6 months so clearly not the case), she also 'accidentally' calls herself mummy all the time to my DS. I know this must be hard as she's always been the mother and not grandmother.

She is telling all in sundry that I've got PND (I don't) and that I'm really struggling as a new mother (I'm not). Yesterday we went for lunch and she completely ignored me, took my DS for the whole time, refused to let me see him and didn't speak to me the whole time.

AIBU to not want to see her? I am happy for DH to take DC as I would never stop her seeing her DGC but I'm done making all of the effort to have it thrown in my face.

OP posts:

Crumpetsandtea · 27/03/2016 21:53

I agree disengage but in a non confrontational wY

Sighing · 27/03/2016 21:54

Don't give her the chance!
Milk machine? Taking him away? Refusing to give him back? She's behaving like he and you are not even people.
Just stop seeing her and refuse visits. When she asks why give it to her straight and without emotion. If she's MIL don't bother. I have to conclude with my own parents they simply don't WANT me or their grandchildren around through their behaviours. She clearly wants to drive you away with hers. You'd have to have something very wrong with you (or serious concerns) to think a 6 month old isn't attached to their mother, so she's just doing what she can to piss you off. I'd cut her out.

Original poster

minieggedoffmyhead · 27/03/2016 21:56

Thank you for all your advice. I think I am just going to disengage like it has been said.

I don't want my DS to have a relationship with someone like this and I certainly do not want my ability as a mother questioned and/ or my reputation ruined either. I also quite like my sanity.

OP posts:

RedToothBrush · 27/03/2016 21:59

DH has great relationship with FIL so will continue to see MIL - also as said previously she is very demanding and everyone pussy foots around her.

Well your DH and FIL both have a great incentive to get her to stop this behaviour then.

I repeat this is THEIR problem to sort out, and to grow a backbone and STOP the pussy footing.

Wolpertinger · 27/03/2016 22:09

If FIL is nice and hasn't divorced her then almost certainly on some level he is her enabler. I would expect no support from him at all and quite a bit of 'Can't you come a bit more often, she doesn't really mean it, she's so upset, just ignore it, you know what she's like'.

I think it's key that you didn't have a relationship with GPs and so want your kids to have one. But if the only one they can have is a bad one, do you really want that?

ollieplimsoles · 27/03/2016 22:12

Hey op, I believe you completely.

My mil is extremely similar to yours, my dh also does not want to see her but gets on with fil so we are still in contact.

I started off the same as you- wanted mil yo have a relationship even though she was horrible to me in the past. Then I realised that she was going to ruin the first year of my child's life by making me stressed and angry all the time.

Her behaviour is very like what you describe, she would accuse me of holding dd too much, not making enough milk, I'm cruel for not weaning her, I'm a milk factory to her, she wont play with me properly because I'm just food to her... You get the idea.

Remember the golden rule: Your mil is just some woman. You wouldn't even know her if it wasn't for your dh. You wouldn't let a stranger behave like this with your son, so don't let her. Drop the "oh but she's his grandmother" stuff right now, because thats what gives her her power and sense of entitlement. She has no rights at all over your child, and her time with him can easily be witheld if she is treating you badly.

If she wants respect as ds's grandparent then she should respect you as his mother. It goes two ways.

Keep him away from her, if you do meet her and she starts with the usual crap, remove your ds from her without any warning and play with him on your own, let her have a think about what she has said.

SecretsAndStuff21 · 27/03/2016 22:19

What a cruel obnoxious woman your MIL is! You are so lucky to have a DH that supports you and recognises that his DM is well out of order.
Next time she calls you a " milk machine" I would tell her that you are offended by that derogatory term and ask her if she meant to be so rude.
She clearly isn't going to change, so I would keep contact to the absolute minimum.

Bonniesloth · 27/03/2016 22:21

Its as though she's making you out publicly to be a bad mother who isn't coping, calling herself your child's mummy, and stopping you getting him back as a way of being in control... its fucking weird and I'd have flown off the handle a long time ago. She's poison. She'll manipulate your son while you arent there, when he's older probably tell him she's his real mum not you, and spoon feed him toxic thoughts about you to push him closer to her.
Cool off your relationship with her, your priority is your son's wellbeing, and being around her will do him no favours. She's seriously not right in the head.

Nanny0gg · 27/03/2016 22:35

) confront her head on about it in as nice a way as possible. This obviously holds risks of her getting worse but is the option I would recommend.

I disagree. There is absolutely no reason to be nice about it.

Stop seeing her and stop her seeing your DC.

None of her behaviour is remotely normal or excusable. My DC would have my head on a plate if I tried any of that with their children.

End any form of relationship right now. Before she does some damage.

CantAffordtoLive · 27/03/2016 22:44

Dear God I read these MIL threads and I wonder what happens to women to turn them into such, well, words fail me as I have no desire to upset anyone but suffice to say their behaviour is just totally beyond normal. I worry that one day one of my children will tell me I am about to become a grandmother and some awful transition will take place overnight and I will wake up to be a nightmare MIL from hell. Please God don't let that happen!

But seriously, her behaviour is in no way normal, or acceptable or tolerable. Really? I have to say that although it is lovely to have grandparents, they have to be worthy of being in a childs life. I didn't have much of a relationship with mine, they were few and very elderly. I can't say it has been detrimental to me or my upbringing. Seems I have something to grateful for.

SquinkiesRule · 27/03/2016 22:53

Listen to your Dh, there are reasons he doesn't see much of his own mother.
My Dh kept telling me to not get too close, it'll all end in tears. I really liked his Mum, she was great when Ds1 was born. Then it all went to hell in a hand basket, Dh completely cut her off and I now know why he kept telling me to be careful.
He knows her already, listen to him.

MadamDeathstare · 27/03/2016 22:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Pythonesque · 27/03/2016 22:57

As I see it from what you've described, since your husband has a poor relationship with his mother you've thought, that's not right I need to give her the benefit of the doubt and see how things go. Until your child was born this seemed to be ok and you were forging a better relationship. Now you're seeing the kind of behaviour that tells you fair and square that she does have problems and you need to disengage - go right ahead and do so without any guilt. She's not being a grandparent, and sounds unlikely to be going to become a decent grandparent any time soon. Sad but true.

Talk with your husband about the best way to facilitate ongoing relations with his father, now you are in agreement with him that his mother is out of the picture.

And way down the track if your child(ren) ask about this grandmother, you can just explain quite simply that she had problems and wasn't a nice person as a result, or however you want to phrase it. (doi I have a grandmother who only died within the last couple of years, who had alienated all her extended family long ago; we'd had no contact with her since my grandfather died some 35 years ago, and that was the right thing)

Best wishes, and you'll be fine.

RedToothBrush · 27/03/2016 23:01

My MIL is trying this at the moment.

she would accuse me of holding dd too much, not making enough milk, I'm cruel for not weaning her, I'm a milk factory to her, she wont play with me properly because I'm just food to her

Its to do with the fact that she can not have DS without me around if he is breastfeeding.

These comments are all about breaking that bond and link you have so that she can 'take possession' of 'her property'. Which is pretty much how she sees the grandchildren.

DH, BIL and SIL are now all pretty wise to it. She is not liking it...

I do think its more common than it should be.

ollieplimsoles · 28/03/2016 10:27

red

Yep that's exactly it, one of mils friends daughters has had a baby and its bottle feeding, so lets her mother feed and cuddle her child with the bottle. Mil cant do that (I wouldn't let her even if I was bottle feeding) so its all my fault she can't have her grandchild I night (she wouldn't be allowed anyway)

blueturtle6 · 28/03/2016 15:35

Id never speak to someone who called me a milk machine

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 28/03/2016 16:05

She's trying to lay the ground-work for something extremely sinister with her criticism of your parenting and alleged inability to cope.

You and your child need to keep away from her malign influence. She's had her chance at motherhood with her own children and has been found wanting for very obvious reasons. She does not get another chance with yours. She does not get another chance with her malign influence.

She's very dangerous to you all. Avoid a "final showdown" or she could step up to a whole other level, as these people often do. Just quietly withdraw. If you can't do it completely, then utterly minimal contact. Never, ever let her be in your child's presence without you there!

I repeat: she's very dangerous to you all. Please don't forge this no matter what she does or says.

LeaLeander · 28/03/2016 16:10

I would have walked out on Milk Machine, frankly.

Libitina · 28/03/2016 16:17

She's trying to lay the ground-work for something extremely sinister with her criticism of your parenting and alleged inability to cope.

This. Either stay away or tell her repeatedly, but firmly, no!.

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