Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

MIL nightmare

69 replies

minieggedoffmyhead · 27/03/2016 20:34

I've always had a great relationship with MIL even though DH has a fractious relationship to say the least (she can be very difficult).

Since DS has been born things have taken a turn for the worse. I want my DS to have a great relationship with all of his grandparents but she is really overbearing and intense.

I won't go into all of the issues but one is that she is telling everyone that she hardly sees us- I make the effort to see her twice a week a lot of the time without DH. She also refuses to acknowledge me as 'mummy' to my DS when I am with her and uses terms like 'milk machine' and tells me my DS only recognises me as food (DS is 6 months so clearly not the case), she also 'accidentally' calls herself mummy all the time to my DS. I know this must be hard as she's always been the mother and not grandmother.

She is telling all in sundry that I've got PND (I don't) and that I'm really struggling as a new mother (I'm not). Yesterday we went for lunch and she completely ignored me, took my DS for the whole time, refused to let me see him and didn't speak to me the whole time.

AIBU to not want to see her? I am happy for DH to take DC as I would never stop her seeing her DGC but I'm done making all of the effort to have it thrown in my face.

OP posts:
Buzzardbird · 27/03/2016 21:06

I cannot believe that anyone would post this story and believe that anyone would come on here and say TABU.

Spandexpants007 · 27/03/2016 21:08

Challenge her. Write a very level headed letter asking her to stop spreading untrue rumours about x and x.

Fugghetaboutit · 27/03/2016 21:08

I wouldn't see her.

My mil knows she has to be nice to me or she doesn't see her grandchildren. Same as my mum, simple.

Original poster
minieggedoffmyhead · 27/03/2016 21:09

I think you are right about my DH - he has told me for ages about how his mother is and I have always tried so hard to ensure that my relationship has been good with her.

I've never really looked at it like that.

OP posts:
RedToothBrush · 27/03/2016 21:10

I am happy for DH to take DC as I would never stop her seeing her DGC but I'm done making all of the effort to have it thrown in my face.

You have a women who is undermining you to your child and calling herself mummy in your presence and you are happy for your child to see them without you there?

Are you nuts?

Apart from the fact she is doing this precisely to get you out of the picture so she can have 'her child' all to herself, she's emotionally abusive and poisonous about you.

This is not a person you want in your child's life.

Why the fuck if your husband not telling his mother that the way she is behaving is totally unacceptable and SHE has two choices (not you having two choices as previous posters have suggested).

SHE either sucks it up and behaves or
SHE does not see her grandchild.

It IS that simple if YOUR HUSBAND is any kind of a man. Its down to him to sort it out not for you to put up with.

Original poster
minieggedoffmyhead · 27/03/2016 21:12

I was hoping nobody was going to say IWBU - it's difficult when you are in the situation as it's become the 'norm' over the past 6 months so I didn't know if I was BU.

OP posts:
Noctilucent · 27/03/2016 21:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cees · 27/03/2016 21:14

She doesn't give a shit about you, milk machine really? Why bother with her, her own son has stepped back from her, tells a lot.

You are giving her the go ahead to keep treating you like the cow who calved her grandchild when you don't pull her up on her awful manners towards you.

From what you have said how on earth could she be a good influence in your child's life? Why bother pandering to her, it's obviously getting you nowhere she still treats you like shit.

I'd cut contact and tell her why, balls in her court then to salvage this mess she made. Don't feel bad she is an asshole.

PhoenixReisling · 27/03/2016 21:14

What are the other issues with her?

SliceOfLime · 27/03/2016 21:16

What RedToothBrush said. My DC would not be seeing this woman without me. Ideally not at all but I would give her one last chance after a severe email / letter from DH setting out everything offensive she's said and that none of it is to ever be repeated if she wants to see her GC. And if she said ANY of those things again, I would simply get up, take DC and leave. And that would be the end of her relationship with me and her grandchild.

Creampastry · 27/03/2016 21:16

Cut contact now!

AcrossthePond55 · 27/03/2016 21:17

If your DH has a 'fractious' relationship with his mother he should be the first person you turn to for support on this issue. Look at him and say "Now I understand what you've been talking about. In the last (insert time period) your mother has (insert her behaviour) with DS. I want to reduce/eliminate contact with her because I'm sure she won't listen to either of us if we call her on it and I'm so glad I'll be able to count on your support". If applicable you can add "I'm sorry I haven't been as supportive of you with this as I should have been".

Then just do it. Stop going by. Stop answering the phone. I wouldn't bother explaining why, she already knows she's unreasonable. Anything you say will be turned against you anyway.

DartmoorDoughnut · 27/03/2016 21:19
Biscuit
PhoenixReisling · 27/03/2016 21:22

Agree with across

You don't need to explain. Just stop visiting, answering calls/texts/emails.

Ask your DH who sounds like he has had a lifetime of her shit to field calls etc, because it I believe she sees you as the weak link what with her comments and taking the baby off you.

Original poster
minieggedoffmyhead · 27/03/2016 21:22

DH has great relationship with FIL so will continue to see MIL - also as said previously she is very demanding and everyone pussy foots around her.

OP posts:
lalalalyra · 27/03/2016 21:23

Why are you so keen for your DC to have a relationship with her if she is like that? What benefit do you think they'll get?

Good grandparents are excellent to have. No grandparents is sometimes better than the biological ones children get landed with.

Would you have her in your child's life if she wasn't related? Being related doesn't automatically make a person a good person to have in your life.

NoCakeLeft · 27/03/2016 21:29

Your son does not need a woman like this in his life. Your husband knows what his mother is like and is distant for a reason. I'd follow his lead.

This

StrangeIdeas · 27/03/2016 21:32

I can't add any more than the good sense posters have already said. This woman sounds toxic. 'Milk Machine ' really? That's awful. And not giving your ds back to you? Dreadful woman. Just don't see her. Your dh knows what she's like it seems. Have some Cake and Flowers Please don't put up with it

ample · 27/03/2016 21:34

I've been around the mulberry bush more than a few times with my MIL. No use asking her to stop, she probably won't and won't admit what she's been doing wrong (I'm sure she is aware of how she is behaving).
Take a break/stop seeing her (including ds) and tell her why. She needs to have a bloody good think about her attitude.
Your ds is 6mo so won't be missing out really, he won't look back at remember is what I mean.
Don't be guilted into her seeing your ds when she has so little respect for you - his mother. You have the backing of your DH as well so use that as backup.

AnotherTimeMaybe · 27/03/2016 21:35

OP for your own and your own DC's sake you need to be stronger than that

WonderingAspie · 27/03/2016 21:38

I'm confused as to why you would push so much for a relationship between your child and someone who is so disrepectful towards you. Doesn't make sense at all.

Crumpetsandtea · 27/03/2016 21:44

I would lessen visits she sounds toxic

imeatingthechocolate · 27/03/2016 21:45

i wouldnt cause a fuss i would simply disengage and cut contact if you cause a fuss you will have proved HER point you are unhinged deranged not coping and she is a devoted concerned grandma

i say this as someone who has a deranged ex mil she cries to her friends she never sees her grandkids i gave up and pointed out to people that her grandkids are in her home twice weekly when they see their dad WHO FUCKING LIVES WITH HER people find it hard to justify her drama in the face of facts

Original poster
minieggedoffmyhead · 27/03/2016 21:46

I guess I just want him to have relationships with his grandparents something I never had.

But you are all right, she is toxic and I need a break from it!!!

OP posts:
littleleftie · 27/03/2016 21:50

But OP you are lucky you never had a relationship with a grandparent like that!!

I think you are trying to create some kind of fantasy situation because you feel you missed out. No loving parent would expose their child to people like this. Just because they are grandparents doesn't make them nice people.

Swipe left for the next trending thread