AIBU to not invite this person to my wedding? (long)

[KensingtonLou]

I'm perfectly willing to be told I am BU!

I'm in the middle of organising my wedding. Invitations will be going out in about a month's time. It's in [location removed by MNHQ for privacy] and while we aren't paying for people's travel there, we are paying for 2 nights accommodation for everyone and they won't have to put their hand in their pocket from the time they arrive to the time they leave. No one knows that yet.

One friend has twice made snide remarks to me about the wedding. The first was a few weeks ago of when I was chatting about finding a suitable date. I mentioned one that we'd looked at was the August bank holiday next year "Oh, great, when it's going to be really expensive for people to travel!" I had to seriously bite my tongue to stop myself from saying "firstly, I wouldn't have thought a 50 quid return with Ryanair was particularly outrageous, and secondly, a wedding invitation is just that, an invitation not an obligation."

The second was when I was talking about the new job I'm starting next week and how had I known I would be getting married next year I would have potentially stayed in my old job as it's going to be challenging juggling the two. To which the person who couldn't organise a piss up in a brewery rolls their eyes and sneers "Ugh, no it won't..."

AIBU to feel like not inviting her? I have known her for a long time (getting on for 20 years) and while we do see a lot of each other with a bigger group of friends, we would never meet up on our own. It would, however, affect the dynamics of our wider circle if I didn't. But all this is making me not particularly inclined to spend the better part of £600 entertaining her and her other half for the weekend. Or am I being a total bridezilla for wanting to strike anyone who isn't universally positive about the wedding off the list?

I do feel a bit sorry for your friend. She knows about a wedding on a bank holiday, lasting 3 days long, abroad 18 months in advance. And you talk to her about it often. She will feel like she's completely pressured to attend. She probably feels a bit resentful at the thought of all that cost so far away.

She hasn't actually been mean or rude. Both of what she has said is true.

I'm confused though as to why you're keeping it a secret that you're paying for accommodation and food & drink. When will you tell people? It will vastly affect whether they say they come.

You need to put it in the invitations rather than surprising people later otherwise you'll likely get a lot of declines

I think her points are valid, and if your friend of 20 years can't tell you when you need to wind your neck in, who can? (other than MN, of course).

Weddings abroad are expensive for people, even if you're paying for their accommodation. Flights for a whole family, luggage and all the other Ryanair costs - plus as soon as one person books their flights they will go up and up for everyone else, getting to the airport, getting to the hotel at the other side, wedding gift, wedding outfit, etc etc etc.

And people who don't have the money going spare will feel pressure to go, which isn't nice. And as much as you think you know other people's finances, you don't.

And not changing a job because you're getting married in 18 months is one of the most bridezilla and ridiculous things I've ever heard, seriously.

As others have said the job thing is being a little precious, if you are such an organised person it will be fine.

Try new job, selling two houses, finding a rental flat, moving, and planning a wedding with the IL's from hell thrown in for good measure!

I agree with others about the job thing. I would think a friend was getting a tad too blinkered with the whole wedding business if they felt like that. Personally, my wedding is 12 months away, and lots of planning is currently going on. However, I also work 70 hours a week in a job with a lot of responsibility. The wedding planning is still getting done ahead of schedule. Don't worry, it can be done.

In terms of the paying for guests' accommodation abroad, I'm actually in a similar situation, except it's friends/relatives coming to the UK to us, not the other way around! I have been up front from the start with them that we will be paying for all of their accommodation, anything they need while they are staying in the UK, but they need to pay for the flights themselves. I would really, really advise that you tell your guests this before the invitations go out, otherwise it's just going to appear as a financial impossibility for many of your guests.

I think it would be sensible to tell guests that you've covered their accommodation costs as soon as possible, it will make it much a much easier decision for those doubting whether they can afford to go or not. I can't quite understand why you wouldn't tell them?

I also think your friend is getting a hard time here. You keep mentioning that she ought to not accept if she doesn't want to go, but at the same time you also keep mentioning that you'd feel it would upset the balance of your social group if you didn't invite her. Perhaps she feels the same way about not accepting? That it would cause ructions in the group? I agree with those saying that she has valid points. Starting a new job in the near future really shouldn't affect plans for a wedding over a year away. If it is, you're wedding needs to be scaled down so it's not taking over your life. The best weddings, for guests and brides and grooms, are the easy, stress-free, not OTT ones.

The job thing is odd - try organising a wedding whilst taking a new job 7500 miles away, moving the entire family and house, finding schools and accommodation, selling things like the car, renting out the family home, bla bla bla...all in three months. It was fun, eminently doable and I actually sorted most of the wedding in a week. I also managed not to talk about it much. 18 months to a wedding is hardly a deadline.

Weddings abroad are a right old pain TBH. My friend is getting married abroad in a year and I'm actually a bit meh about it. My kids aren't invited, she wants to make it a five day affair and the location is bloody expensive. I wish she'd just have a fabulous big party at home. Weddings are expensive for the invited as well as the bride and groom.

But you don't have to invite her because it really doesn't sound as if you like her too much.