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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not invite this person to my wedding? (long)

57 replies

KensingtonLou · 27/03/2016 19:11

I'm perfectly willing to be told I am BU!

I'm in the middle of organising my wedding. Invitations will be going out in about a month's time. It's in [location removed by MNHQ for privacy] and while we aren't paying for people's travel there, we are paying for 2 nights accommodation for everyone and they won't have to put their hand in their pocket from the time they arrive to the time they leave. No one knows that yet.

One friend has twice made snide remarks to me about the wedding. The first was a few weeks ago of when I was chatting about finding a suitable date. I mentioned one that we'd looked at was the August bank holiday next year "Oh, great, when it's going to be really expensive for people to travel!" I had to seriously bite my tongue to stop myself from saying "firstly, I wouldn't have thought a 50 quid return with Ryanair was particularly outrageous, and secondly, a wedding invitation is just that, an invitation not an obligation."

The second was when I was talking about the new job I'm starting next week and how had I known I would be getting married next year I would have potentially stayed in my old job as it's going to be challenging juggling the two. To which the person who couldn't organise a piss up in a brewery rolls their eyes and sneers "Ugh, no it won't..."

AIBU to feel like not inviting her? I have known her for a long time (getting on for 20 years) and while we do see a lot of each other with a bigger group of friends, we would never meet up on our own. It would, however, affect the dynamics of our wider circle if I didn't. But all this is making me not particularly inclined to spend the better part of £600 entertaining her and her other half for the weekend. Or am I being a total bridezilla for wanting to strike anyone who isn't universally positive about the wedding off the list?

OP posts:
Orda1 · 27/03/2016 20:23

I think most people would passively aggressive express ha

Original poster
KensingtonLou · 27/03/2016 20:32

witsender I do take you're point, I am being precious. There is no harm in being reminded periodically that not everyone is as emotionally invested in this as I am. I do have a habit of taking some things more personally than I should. It's not that I don't like her, but we are very different and I guess we rub each other the wrong way sometimes. Whether I like her enough to invite her is another question. To be totally frank, the whole thing is costing too much to invite people who we're lukewarm about.

orda1 I clearly am naive - as everyone is saying, it's a party. I honestly thought if you didn't want to go, you'd just say no? No one is putting a gun to anyone's head...

OP posts:
miraclebabyplease · 27/03/2016 20:41

It will cost more than you are thinking. Flights could cost anything as we have no idea what will happen over the next 18 months. They will need to buy outfits and wedding presents. What about food and drinks while they are there, apart from the scheduled times? Plus, you are asking people to use annual leave or take unpaid leave. There is always so much more to it than just turn up, especially when it is abroad.

Princecharlesfirstwife · 27/03/2016 20:41

You're sending out invitations for a wedding in 18 months time? Gosh. I hope you have other topics of conversation with your friends.

witsender · 27/03/2016 20:44

No guns involved no, but you were pretty dismissive of the cost issue previously so people may feel pressure and resent that.

Original poster
KensingtonLou · 27/03/2016 20:44

miraclebabyplease they won't need to pay for any food and drink from when they arrive to when they leave and we are not asking for wedding presents/cash specifically because of the cost of involved in getting there. Unfortunately when you have two people from different countries getting married, there will be travelling involved. We are trying to minimise the costs involved as much as possible. If I could charter a plan for everyone, I would!

OP posts:
miraclebabyplease · 27/03/2016 20:47

Maybe you should make that clear then? Or at least tell them you will try to cover as much as possible.

Original poster
KensingtonLou · 27/03/2016 20:52

Princecharlesfirstwife I would have thought that giving as much notice as possible for a wedding that is in another country and that people may wish to take a day off work for was nothing more than good manners.

OP posts:
Headofthehive55 · 27/03/2016 20:55

I think people find it difficult because it does cost more, both in time and money. Imagine you are organising a birthday meal and you choose a restaurant of your choice, although some people can't attend due to it being rather costly. I imagine you might get a few passive aggressive remarks...it's not nice being reminded you are just not as well off as your friends.

LosingTheWillToSkate · 27/03/2016 20:59

There was nothing passive aggressive about her saying it's an expensive time to travel. She's absolutely right. It is.

You seem to be looking for fault with her where there isn't any from what you've posted.

And sorry but who gives a fuck whether you've hosted Sunday lunch and bbqs? If you begrudge inviting someone who is supposedly a friend then stop. You're organising a party, that's all. It's really not a big deal.

Original poster
KensingtonLou · 27/03/2016 21:01

thanks Headofthehive55 while I wouldn't have thought that affordability would be an issue for this person, it's good to be reminded that you don't actually know what's going on with people's financial situation. We are trying to make it as affordable as possible, but there is unfortunately a cost involved and on this occasion it's my side that's taking the hit.

OP posts:
Original poster
KensingtonLou · 27/03/2016 21:03

Thanks for taking the time to respond LosingTheWillToSkate.

OP posts:
GiveMyHeadPeaceffs · 27/03/2016 21:10

You seem to be getting a bit of a hard time from some quarters, OP. Tbh I think you're doing what you can to minimise cost for others and being fairly generous into the bargain.

Don't invite this person, she sounds like she'd like to rain on your parade plus she's dismissive of your worries. You aren't obliged to have her there and there may be others in your social circle that aren't fussed on her either.

Oh and yes, you're organising a party but it's your wedding party and most brides want it to be as perfect a day for them and their guests so you're allowed to feel anxious/excited etc. I hope it all goes well for you x

Original poster
KensingtonLou · 27/03/2016 21:14

thanks GiveMyHeadPeaceffs - AIBU on a Sunday when people have had sugar crazed kids running around all day - I should have known better really Grin. I guess the reason I was put out is that I am actually trying to do what I can to make it easier on people and I am trying not to be that bride. But you'r never going to please everyone and I need to keep my eye on the prize - that it will be a lovely day for DP and I and all the people who care about us. Thanks for being kind Flowers

OP posts:
Tutt · 27/03/2016 21:23

I don't believe that return flights to anywhere over the bank holiday in August are only going to cost £50.
I also wonder why you are friends as you really seem to dislike this person and are making huge assumptions about her finances and motive.
I also find it astonishing that you would have re-thought a new job because you were getting married in 18 months, its 1 day in your life so why would you do that Hmm

KensingtonLou · 27/03/2016 21:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
KensingtonLou · 27/03/2016 21:33

Anyway, I think that's enough AIBU for one night. Thanks all for taking the time to respond, enjoy the rest of your weekend and you easter eggs Easter Wink

OP posts:
acasualobserver · 27/03/2016 21:41

Perhaps she just doesn't want to go to Frankfurt.

ImperialBlether · 27/03/2016 21:46

Well, that's okay, as she's not going now anyway!

KensingtonLou · 27/03/2016 21:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Xmasbaby11 · 27/03/2016 21:53

I think she made fair points but perhaps not sensitivly. It's really lovely of you to pay for so much at the wedding, but it's very unusual so it's only natural she would worry about the cost.

acasualobserver · 27/03/2016 21:53

Fair enough. And if [location removed by MNHQ for privacy] is anything like London Stansted, you're friend's got a point.

Wineisfinebyme · 27/03/2016 21:56

Tbh, she sounds rude. Regardless of the issue, someone who was that eyerolly and snide about any subject probably shouldn't be a part of your life

I'm part of a wider group that sounds like yours. A couple of years ago I organised a small birthday meal, but it was a big birthday (coughs) and I covered the cost. I didn't invite a couple of people I wasn't close to. There were NO ramifications following. The invited ones, my closest friends, didn't mention anything, and the other women didn't bat an eyelid. In fact, I brought it up with one of them at a later date, and she said she wouldn't have expected an invite to such a small group.

Be a grown up, and recognise that the people worth your energy don't include this woman.

FaithLoveandHope · 27/03/2016 21:57

Hmm you seem to not be grasping the issue here. You say you see people's views on this whilst still continuing to slate your "friend" Tbh there's not a single person in this world I'd be willing to go abroad for a wedding for. DP and I have limited annual leave and if I'm using that annual leave to pay for flights abroad you can be damn sure it's to a place of our choosing!

Spartak · 27/03/2016 22:05

£50 for the flight, plus insurance, luggage, travel to the airports both ends and all of a sudden the costs have doubled. And if people don't know their accommodation is being covered they are probably thinking it's going to be a good £200 a head plus outfits and presents.

Plus other people's wedding excitement is dull. Especially 18 months in advance.

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