Aibu for asking dp to help once in a while?

[Monkeyonmyback]

Basically I have 2 boys, one a preschooler who goes to cm 2 days a week and a young baby who is starting to wean onto solids.

I'm on mat leave but due to return to work later this year. Dp is self employed but contracted so doesn't get to pick his days to work. He works a very physically demanding job and is generally out of the house by 7am often working miles away and doesn't come home til about 7pm. He is exhausted. He only works about 4 days a week tho.

I do the majority of the housework and everything child-related, take charge of the household bills and basically any other 'life-admin' that gets thrown in our general direction.

I never have 'me time', oldest son in the throes of potty training so all is fun in our house

I am constantly run ragged from the minute I get up with the kids to the moment I get to bed at night. Always mountains of laundry to do and bottles to sterilise and general drudgery that comes with running a house.

Dp got home early last night, just before I'd started making tea. He came home to a howling hungry baby who I had just made a bottle for, a preschooler whose pants I had just changed (for the umpteenth time that day) and me who couldn't even get tea started because of the afore-mentioned things. I asked dp if he would give baby his bottle. He did, so I could make tea. Afterwards it was near enough bedtime for kids, I asked dp if he wouldn't mind getting kids ready for bed whilst I tidied kitchen and put laundry away. He did this begrudgingly as he was tired from work. I understand this.

Now the thing that gets my goat is even on his days off I do majority of housework, sorting kids etc, packing bags when we have to go out the house, sorting everything from birthday presents, buying groceries, taking kids to docs/dental appointments, that sort of thing. Dp will quite happily sit in the same room with the kids but he will be on his iPad or phone doing 'research' - just generally ignoring his spawn. He will 'help' when asked but other than that not really. The phrase that comes out of my mouth most often but not massively is 'can you just do me a favour and do x?'.

He was on his phone this morning doing 'research' in bed whilst I was downstairs giving kids their breakfast, washing up pots afterwards, and taking clothes which had been sat in the washing machine all night and put them in the dryer. I came upstairs and asked dp if he could get them dressed whilst I showered. He was on his phone on the Internet, and kicked up a shit-storm about how he never has any time to himself and how I'm always asking him to do stuff. Lets just say a row followed.

When he comes home late from work which is often, I, generally speaking have bathed kids and put them to bed, sorted out bottles for baby's night feeds which I do and cleared the kitchen. All dp has to do when he gets home from work is heat his tea up, eat it, wash his plate, have a beer and go to bed ready for the next day. I never ask him to do stuff around the home when he comes home late at night.

Today I have pretty much done everything even tho he has had a day off. We've argued about his lack of help around the home and how I nag him. We've attended my friend's child's birthday party, done the food shop and he has gone to his parents house for the night who live about 25 miles away as his family are visiting over Easter so he can go for a drink/get pissed with them. He moaned because I asked if wouldn't mind returning home at a reasonable hour the next day. 'Oh look, I can have a night out for once but with conditions attached. You just don't want me to see my family!' Errmmm.... Nope I've been suggesting you go out for a drink with them all week, you arse!

Before he left the house tonight I was still pretty upset at the events of today and had been crying. After I bathed and put kids to bed (whilst he was on the phone to someone) I took clean clothes (mainly his work clothes) out of the dryer and was putting them away upstairs. He came up, saw me sorting the laundry, didn't bother to offer a hand even tho it was his stuff and asked 'did you empty my work pants pockets before they went in the wash?' I said yes. He asks me did I come across any lottery tickets in the pockets. I said no. He rifled thru the laundry basket despite the fact I was obviously upset, pulled out his work pants, checked the pockets and found some bits of paper which had been washed by accident. I an only assume they were the lotto tickets.

He then left the house in a huff! Not even an apology for being an arse.

I will be up tonite with baby. And up early the morning with oldest son. I have a back log of phone calls I need to make at some point which I can never get round to doing - dp knows this. And yet I seem to get sweet fa 'help' towards our responsibilities. His favourite lines are 'I don't understand why it takes you all day to do what you need to do. You shouldn't have washing to be putting away at night time' or another one is 'how do other mums manage?' Or the killer line which gets pulled out the bag as a last resort 'my mum had 7 kids and ran a business, why can't you cope?'. I can cope just fine ta very much, that's not the issue!!!

Sorry for long post. Aibu to feel absolutely fed up?!? I don't want pity, I just feel like I'm going out of my mind. Can't reason with him, he is irrational. Oh and has never looked after both kids for more than a couple of hours on his own.

expat - I think I love you!

Need has a valid point there, but usually if oldest son wants something which is easy to obtain I'll do it just to keep him happy/occupied. If it's something trickier or takes longer to get/achieve I'll just tell him to wait for a moment. He gets that I have to juggle between both and often finds his own little ways of helping me with the ds2

If you think that he is going to be physically abusive though, you should contact Women's Aid for advice.

Thanks Atenco - I don't mind the boring bits of motherhood, I can put up with the fact that most days feel like groundhog day unless I choose something specifically to do that day to change the scenery. I can put up with being exhausted by motherhood in general.

I cannot stand how draining it is to live with someone who doesn't appreciate me and only hampers my confidence and twists everything I say to cause a row so little old woman doesn't complain about it again. This is a frequent dynamic in our relationship.

I don't think he will physically harm me or the dc, mostly verbal abuse to me when he doesn't like hearing me flag something which is causing concern.

I have told him he has never had a full 24 hour stretch of having dcs on his own. He said he will, but I think I'll just be waiting on the never never for that to happen. Or they'll be teenagers by then and won't want to be around us parents anyway

He had them about 7 hours once and for 5 of those they were asleep in bed. I went to gig with a friend and the gig was my birthday present from said friend.

Oh, I forgot to mention he also did an overnight stay at his parents house last week Monday as his job was assigned to that area so it made more sense. I suggested it to him to make life easier for him. I would kill for a full night's sleep though.

op I haven't read the entire thread but he sounds like my husband. Since you're not married I would urge you to leave, it will be easier now with 2 kids rather than bringing anymore into the world with him.

My husband was amazing with the 1st and pretty good with the 2nd after that he got lazy and today it looks like he doesn't give a toss if I do everything. I have such resentment I feel like I hate him right now. I'm pregnant with number 5, care for his mum and got my dad too. The worst thing for me right now I vacuum whole house alone and its bloody huge, he will be home since he's self employed and can choose hrs. Once I asked him can you help me hoover x rooms ill do others. He said he had no time he was home all day, he never went out to his office. Like yours he was sat on his phone or ipad.

ive recently got spd in pregnancy if I sit more than 30 mins I have limp when I get up to walk, and if I'm on feet too long I end up limping too. So after I vacuum whole house I'm usually limping how can another person be so cruel when they can see you going through hardship? I don't understand I would never do that to a stranger, or maybe I'm just a stupid nice person and this is what I deserve.

I asked him to clean the cooker the other day just the top didn't need a big scrub, I was busy mopping bathrooms, he didn't even acknowledge me. I feel so sad is this what I married for? /I'm sure you aren't with your DP for this either.

same as you I don't push it because I don't want arguments, but I am a doormat what else.

Don't become like this OP you're not married much easier to leave, go now whilst you can.

Also I think you're in denial you keep saying he works so hard. Fact you are working too if you didn tdo all you do he would need paid help to do it. If you weren't raising your kids I guarantee you would work outside and come home to do the housework too and would you still be saying "oh he works so hard"? It's irrelevant that he works you work too, and he chose to have these children not just you.

So do you want to have two children or three? Because if he keeps behaving like this, you're better off leaving him.

You know that the emotional shit you're having to deal with is way more exhausting than the usual motherhood shizzle. That's why you feel like you do

For the life of me I do not understand why you put up with this despicable treatment. Just so he will financially support you? Is it really worth it?

It seems like you are motivated to avoid provoking his ire. But really. who gives a fuck what he thinks? Or what your parents think? Do they know about his vile treatment of you and his disgusting preference to wear underwear again rather than do some laundry? Do they know how he speaks to his children, their grandchildren?

What a sad, toxic wasteland of a home this is for those kids. There is not enough money in the world for me to let someone use up my life this way. Is there some sort of counseling program you can tap into, to get the strength to leave him? What about women's aid? Have you ever sought any help or advice in real life?

Katarzyna

Congratulations on your pregnancy btw.
I totally empathise with spd, I had it in both my pregnancies and was basically like a cripple from about 5 months onwards and I have a physical job too. I still get the odd twinge now and then. The doctors can give you a waist tube for support if it would help?

It is horrible to feel unloved/disrespected by the men in our lives. I often giggle to myself inwardly that one day he'll be sorry when my kids no longer depend on me and I can do a 'Shirley Valentine'. I might not leave it that long though.

LeaLander - I have called Womens Aid for a different occurence.... but it basically boiled down to the same thing. He emotionally and verbally abuses me and tries to fuck with my head so I shut up. I have told him to his face he is controlling in the way he treats me. Somehow saying it out loud to him makes me feel more assertive if that makes sense?

Womens Aid recommended I drop into one of their centres. I did this a couple of weeks before Christmas but it was shut (I couldn't remember their drop in centre hours)

So this is less about asking him for help, and more... yes, your suspicions are correct. He is unpleasant. They don't have to physically beat you to be abusive. He is unkind to you, so much so you have already sought help at Women's Aid.

Take legal advice on the deposit. Maybe you could just get a loan and chuck him his half to get rid.

You sound strong. You sound smart and tough and thoroughly clued up as to what's going on and what needs to be done. You're way ahead of a lot of women in the same situation. Bull, horns, etc. You have a bunch of worries and unasked questions here, between the lines, and frankly I think yes, you're right. Yes, it's over. Yes he's cruel and yes, it's time to make the final plans.

Yes, Pufflehuff is correct. I hope you get more help and support in real life. Be honest with your family about how he treats you.

Good luck.

I worry for my kids, how splitting would affect them. And how financially I would cope. With me being solely responsible legally for keeping that roof above our heads I have a lot riding on this.

I think leaving is the correct thing to do. I just can't equate all aspects of leaving to feeling like the 'right' thing to do. I don't want to take drastic measures as yet but I do want to play it by ear as in get myself back working again and consider all avenues before choosing something cut and dried.

I have told OH today we are not working. Plain and simple.

He knows I have to go back to my kids, he knows I can't just shake my responsibilities and will use this to his advantage i.e. 'she won't kick me out, she relies on me financially and we have children'. That will be his thought process. And rightly so for now.

I consider my words as me giving him a heads up. He will not see it as that, I guarantee.

My ex and i split 13 years ago. I have succesfully kept a roof over our heads with no financial support from him. The youngest was 6 months old when we split.

He used to come home from work and tell me how disappointing it was to come home to an untidy house. I worked through both pregnancies and had to get up at 7 to do some housework before i left for work because i was too tired in the evenings.
He didn't work through either of my pregnancies. He was a fucking lazy twat who managed to turn it all round on me and totally fucked with my head.

It was a huge relief to get rid of him. I far prefer the busy stressful life of a single mum than the busy stressful life of living with an arse who twists your head.

I'd worry more about your kids growing up in a household where it's normal for their dad to treat their mother like shit.

I've been where you are OP, it will only get worse. Go back to women's aid (surely the fact that you have spoken to them already speaks volumes about your relationship) and ask them to help you plan your escape. You may not feel strong enough now because he has ground you down to feel that way but you can do it

You're worried about how leaving such an unhappy relationship will have on your children.
I was 4 when my mum left my dad and, from what I can gather, he was similar to your partner. All I can remember from that time was them arguing, shouting and falling out. I also remember a vague feeling of unease around my dad - I never really felt genuinely safe around him but didn't know why. I think it was because he used to shout at us and had a very short temper. He never actually hit us but there was always this threat of something when we were being too giddy, noisy or playful.

When my mum left after a massive row that involved shouting, screaming, things bring smashed and thrown, and lived with my nan and then on our own, I remember feeling happy, normal and safe. When she married my step-dad, I don't ever remember feeling the same unease around him. I loved him and was devastated by his death a few months ago.

We did stay with my dad every weekend and I used to dread it but, because he & my mum were apart there were no arguments or shouting or things being broken so the atmosphere wasn't as heavy as before.

What I'm trying to say is that splitting up doesn't have to be a negative, bad thing. It doesn't have to cause upset and upheaval. It could have the opposite effect on your dc and make them feel more relaxed and happy. I am of course only guessing at that but I wanted to give you a positive story.

Financially, you probably will cope. You'll more than likely be entitled to benefits and he'll probably have to pay towards their upkeep (or have them for part of the week as part of a shared parenting agreement thing, in which case he'd be responsible for feeding them and paying for any childcare cover he might need). You'll be buying less food; you won't be doing as much washing and drying; there will be fewer people using the water and the heating, therefore your bills would reduce; as the only adult in the household you'd be entitled to a 25% (I think?) reduction on your council tax... Your biggest outgoing after mortgage would be childcare and tax credits would more than likely cover that. Please don't stay trapped in a bad relationship because of money worries - get proper financial help/advice and you might find yourself better off.

Ok, so you rely on his financially, it's time to start planning. I honestly think you shouldn't give him back his deposit until your youngest is eighteen. This is to keep a roof over his children's head and, fortunately enough, he cannot legally ask you for it.

Clopy - '...who managed to turn it all round on me and totally fucked with my head.' I could have written this!

He's just text me. He doesn't have a clue where I am (I'm at my parents).

He says 'I suggested to your DBro to try out that new card game tonight if you fancy it?' DBro bought me some random card game thing for my birthday, I've not played it yet.

Did he not hear me when I said 'we are not working' and 'I won't be home til late'???

This is a classic tactic of his.

I recognise the patterns forming. He's done this multiple times before. I think it's taken me a while to wise up to it but I can defo see the behavourial pattern.

He behaves like a dick, upsets me deeply and acts hardened to it as if to imply I have wronged him so I feel worthless and doubt myself.

Then eventually he realises actually what he has said and done has made an impact. And with that comes consequences i.e. me not being at home right now. His default method is I better get things back on track before its too late.

And thus he makes attempts to be nice to me without actually addressing the issues or acknowledging any fault, like the text he just sent. And what usually happens is I go home, he gives me a hug and no more is said on the matter. If I bring the issue up to go through how it can be resolved I get told 'Please can we not talk about this now. I'm too tired to think straight'. Then it gets tied off and things go back to normal for a while.

The text doesn't constitute as an apology in my book for his shitty behaviour but he thinks it does. Either that or he genuinely believes he has nothing to be sorry for.

What is the problem with saying look Monkey, I know I've been a douchebag and I've upset you. I'm sorry, I never meant to. Can we talk about it and find some happy medium?' or is that kind of talk only reserved for people on Planet Normal?

Is there any way I would be able to find out what I would be entitled to? I know Tax credits is changing to universal credit, does anyone have any more in depth knowledge on the Universal credits? Is it roughly the same amounts as the old tax credits system?

Another text: 'There is some tea here if you'd like some?'

Woop de fucking dooooo you've cooked for once cos I'm not there. I'm tempted to text back 'Look, fucker. If the next text to come from your phone isn't sorry I'm a dick and I treat you badly I'm gonna shove your sympathy meal where the sun doesn't shine!'.

But I won't

dont reply, OP

You know he can get hold of you if there's an emergency. This isn't an emergency, he's just fishing for some attention. I suggest you don't give any to him.

I just received another text even though I've not replied to the first one. The second one I HAD to reply to.

It reads as follows: 'Ps. DS1 has pee'd himself 3 times and shat himself once. Yes I do understand how difficult it is to get stuff done.'

Finally I feel some sense of elation that he has now put up with 6 hours of what I put up with everyday. DS1 doesn't poop himself for me tho, he usually makes it to the pot.

My response is: 'Great, now do you wanna try doing a load of washing, or tidy the front room and hoover all carpets and clean the bathroom in amongst that. As well as take care of general life admin? Don't worry, you've got all night to sort it. Ps don't forget to wash up!'