Aibu for asking dp to help once in a while?

[Monkeyonmyback]

Basically I have 2 boys, one a preschooler who goes to cm 2 days a week and a young baby who is starting to wean onto solids.

I'm on mat leave but due to return to work later this year. Dp is self employed but contracted so doesn't get to pick his days to work. He works a very physically demanding job and is generally out of the house by 7am often working miles away and doesn't come home til about 7pm. He is exhausted. He only works about 4 days a week tho.

I do the majority of the housework and everything child-related, take charge of the household bills and basically any other 'life-admin' that gets thrown in our general direction.

I never have 'me time', oldest son in the throes of potty training so all is fun in our house

I am constantly run ragged from the minute I get up with the kids to the moment I get to bed at night. Always mountains of laundry to do and bottles to sterilise and general drudgery that comes with running a house.

Dp got home early last night, just before I'd started making tea. He came home to a howling hungry baby who I had just made a bottle for, a preschooler whose pants I had just changed (for the umpteenth time that day) and me who couldn't even get tea started because of the afore-mentioned things. I asked dp if he would give baby his bottle. He did, so I could make tea. Afterwards it was near enough bedtime for kids, I asked dp if he wouldn't mind getting kids ready for bed whilst I tidied kitchen and put laundry away. He did this begrudgingly as he was tired from work. I understand this.

Now the thing that gets my goat is even on his days off I do majority of housework, sorting kids etc, packing bags when we have to go out the house, sorting everything from birthday presents, buying groceries, taking kids to docs/dental appointments, that sort of thing. Dp will quite happily sit in the same room with the kids but he will be on his iPad or phone doing 'research' - just generally ignoring his spawn. He will 'help' when asked but other than that not really. The phrase that comes out of my mouth most often but not massively is 'can you just do me a favour and do x?'.

He was on his phone this morning doing 'research' in bed whilst I was downstairs giving kids their breakfast, washing up pots afterwards, and taking clothes which had been sat in the washing machine all night and put them in the dryer. I came upstairs and asked dp if he could get them dressed whilst I showered. He was on his phone on the Internet, and kicked up a shit-storm about how he never has any time to himself and how I'm always asking him to do stuff. Lets just say a row followed.

When he comes home late from work which is often, I, generally speaking have bathed kids and put them to bed, sorted out bottles for baby's night feeds which I do and cleared the kitchen. All dp has to do when he gets home from work is heat his tea up, eat it, wash his plate, have a beer and go to bed ready for the next day. I never ask him to do stuff around the home when he comes home late at night.

Today I have pretty much done everything even tho he has had a day off. We've argued about his lack of help around the home and how I nag him. We've attended my friend's child's birthday party, done the food shop and he has gone to his parents house for the night who live about 25 miles away as his family are visiting over Easter so he can go for a drink/get pissed with them. He moaned because I asked if wouldn't mind returning home at a reasonable hour the next day. 'Oh look, I can have a night out for once but with conditions attached. You just don't want me to see my family!' Errmmm.... Nope I've been suggesting you go out for a drink with them all week, you arse!

Before he left the house tonight I was still pretty upset at the events of today and had been crying. After I bathed and put kids to bed (whilst he was on the phone to someone) I took clean clothes (mainly his work clothes) out of the dryer and was putting them away upstairs. He came up, saw me sorting the laundry, didn't bother to offer a hand even tho it was his stuff and asked 'did you empty my work pants pockets before they went in the wash?' I said yes. He asks me did I come across any lottery tickets in the pockets. I said no. He rifled thru the laundry basket despite the fact I was obviously upset, pulled out his work pants, checked the pockets and found some bits of paper which had been washed by accident. I an only assume they were the lotto tickets.

He then left the house in a huff! Not even an apology for being an arse.

I will be up tonite with baby. And up early the morning with oldest son. I have a back log of phone calls I need to make at some point which I can never get round to doing - dp knows this. And yet I seem to get sweet fa 'help' towards our responsibilities. His favourite lines are 'I don't understand why it takes you all day to do what you need to do. You shouldn't have washing to be putting away at night time' or another one is 'how do other mums manage?' Or the killer line which gets pulled out the bag as a last resort 'my mum had 7 kids and ran a business, why can't you cope?'. I can cope just fine ta very much, that's not the issue!!!

Sorry for long post. Aibu to feel absolutely fed up?!? I don't want pity, I just feel like I'm going out of my mind. Can't reason with him, he is irrational. Oh and has never looked after both kids for more than a couple of hours on his own.

Shutting. Oops

Poor you!

Here's what I would do... 2 stages...

Stage 1. Don't ask him to 'help', present it as a non-negotiable... 'There are these 10 tasks that need to be done today... Which ones are you taking responsibility for?'

It makes it more difficult to wriggle out of, when it is presented as tasks, rather than YOUR jobs you are nagging him for help with... And it isn't just your responsibility is it...

Next stage: be very clear what will happen unless he starts pulling his weight.. Personally I could, and would not, put up with a man-child treating me in such a disrespectful way.... Each to their own though..

Next stage... You stop... Doing everything that involves his life being better... Don't clean his clothes /cook for him... Tell him you are teaching your kids that bad deeds don't get rewarded...

Devils - thing is if I did that it would just result in another row! He would look at me as if to say 'who the f**k are you giving me a list of stuff to do?' I can already pre-empt the situation.

He has had a go at me in the past for not just asking 'can you do me a favour?' Cos apparently I have been too blunt.

Yesterday he criticized me for always asking can you do me a favour. And has done several times before that. He is like a politician, I can never get anything reasonable to work with out of him.

In one of our previous arguments I asked him 'If me asking nicely for a favour annoys you so much what am I supposed to say when I need a hand instead?' He replied with I don't know, I'm not sure.

It was him that asked me to say it like that in the first instance, the controlling shit that he is. Will be fun to see what time he rocks up today.

Is the cinema open in Easter Sunday? I'm thinking off fecking off out when he gets back

So he's the sort of man that thinks that because he works he gets to do fuck all when he gets home. No, that's not how it works. You're supposed to be a team, especially with parenting. You're both at home? You both get on with it.

You're tired too, you're entitled to as much free time and time off as he is. Think about the example he's setting to your children. Don't let them grow up thinking that chores and child raising is the mum's job whilst the dad does nothing. Stop being his skivvy. He's even controlling how you talk to him.

Of course you should go out, he should be perfectly capable of looking after his own children.

LTB. He doesn't value or respect you. He doesn't even seem to want to spend time with his own children. How sad. And who gives a fuck what his mum did.

I would be an absolute disappointment to my parents if I left him cos 1) they like him and 2) they would see it as me breaking my family up. My parents had very 'traditional societal roles' through circumstance. So I think the expectation is that made my bed by being with this man and starting a family so I should lie in it. Very old-fashioned. So I don't think i'd get much support iyswim.

As for me being tired he keeps saying how he'd love to be home with the kids all day like I am as it beats doing his crappy job. And how I should go back to work now and he will give up his job. He says this in the heat of an argument though.

I did address him in a calmer period about what would happen with all the chores when I do go back to work. He said we will get a cleaner on the weekend

With our childcare fees I think a cleaner is the last expense he will need. Funny how he's not said anything about him pulling his weight more despite having such an amazing role model in his mother

I feel so trapped it's unreal. If I had no kids, walking would be easy. The mortgage is mine alone and we haven't been in the house we live in too long

You can't continue like this.

You need to sit down when you are both calm and discuss this. You need to ask him why he thinks that he has the right to dictate to you what he will or won't do to make sure your dcs are taken care of. Why he thinks his down time is more important than your down time. And why when you are asking for help he thinks it's ok to ignore you.

My dp is in a physical job too. He is out the house by 5.45am 5 days a week and usually gets in around 6pm. He comes home and will bath ds, help with our tea, tidy toys while I put ds to bed. On a weekend we take it in turns for a lie in and he cooks on a Saturday night to give me a break.

I am a sahm so do probably 95% of the housework/chores etc but if I ask for help I get it.

But when ds was tiny he wasn't so good at doing stuff. I had to spell it out very clearly how difficult I was finding it all. I had to tell him that it was fucking hard doing everything and that I felt swamped and taken for a mug when he came home and expected waiting on. I started leaving him with ds for a few hours here and there and gave him a few little jobs to do so he could understand how hard it is.

Can you do that? Leave him with them for an afternoon or a day to see how hard it is? Are you due a kit day at work?

I agree with the above. My husband worked a 4 day week when I went back to work and after his first full day with the kids he acknowledged that it was far harder than being at work. Maybe you should leave him for a full day with them both, or even a half day if you are worried he wont cope with the baby crying.
The problem always is that couples expectations are often set from day one. My mum once moaned to me that she had left dads dinner in the oven and he had phoned her to ask how to know when it was ready to eat. I explained to her that in 50 years married she had never once expected or encouraged him to cook so he is not magically going to know.
If your husband works a 4 day week, unless he is doing admin on 5th day. he needs to be fully hands on on the days off and you need to stop referring to his help as doing you a favour. He is just doing what he should be,

He's a devout Catholic but unmarried with children? So not that devout

He sounds like an arse, maybe if your parents knew what he was really like they wouldn't like him quite so much? But anyway, it's your life not theirs, and if anyone is breaking the family up it's him and his behaviour - so I'd just ignore that

I think the shouting at the baby is for your benefit - 'Look, how angry I get at a crying baby you must never leave it with me' and you 'swoop' in and he gets to sit on his laptop again.

First speak to a solicitor then you have straight in your head what exactly you will have if you leave. You can then plan childcare, where you will live (where you are prob) and leaving isn't so panic making.

Once you speak in a calm way at a quiet time with him and explain that he doesn't engage with his DCs and is idle in the house and you are going to leave. His reaction will tell you everything.

I wouldn't talk to DPs as they will just argue with you and possibly warn him of your plans. Which will make everything more stressful.

He is moving out, he is still the DCs father and can be as good a father as he chooses to be.

If he moans about being left with the children for a few hours I would remind him (as he constantly does to you) that his mum did it with 7 so what's he moaning about?

He sounds like an arse.

Like you do, I would not expect him to do anything on the 4 days he works, but he certainly should be on the days he has off. Definitely go out on one of these days leaving him with the two children. Even for just a few hours. When you come back to a shit tip, point out that during that time you would have cleaned the bathroom.

If you are spending money putting your eldest in cc 2 days a week, could that money be better spent? A cleaner perhaps? I would also be aiming to get shed loads of laundry/general cleaning done that day when you only have your 6 month old to look after.

Massive sympathy, Monkey. I know how hard to is to be unable to 'confront' or 'demand' or 'lay it out straight'. What's the point - you just get yelled at a lot. It doesn't make things any better, unless 'better' is being bellowed at about what a nagging monster you are. No one needs more pithy catchphrases to toss back during an argument. He's already shut down discussion and taken to mocking your requests. A rephrasing of the laundry tasks isn't exactly going to make him see the light.

I feel a babystep before divorce might be to start making all the right noises about returning to work, as he has so kindly suggested. You've sent out some CVs, you have an interview on Tuesday and you're interviewing a childminder/nursery next week - it can be real, or lies if you wish, but if he wants a stay-at-home-mother so badly, he needs to realise it's a luxury, not a right, and you're well within yours to shape your life as you like. Obviously him looking after the kids full-time is not even up for discussion - he won't need much reminding that he shouts at the baby and doesn't engage with them .

He'll have two reactions. "Oh fuck, I've blown it and driven her away. She will realise after about 8 minutes of an independent life how utterly unnecessary I am. Perhaps I should have worked harder to be part of a team because now all I am is a walking salary."

or

He won't care a jot.

Which means you've gotten an early start on the childcare/employment things you'll need when he finds his locks mysteriously changed.

Is leaving really the answer though? I feel like leaving it all sometimes, just walking out the door and getting away. As we're not married I don't know what each would be entitled to if that makes sense.

Mortgage is in my name, but the deposit was joint. He couldn't get on the mortgage due to recent self employment

And yep he's a devout catholic as and when it suits him. With the morality of an alley cat.

He had a go at me last night. He was on the phone to someone (bank helpline I think) whilst I was bathing boys. I took baby out the bath, got him ready for bed and he was crying. I brought him downstairs to sit with dp whilst I finished off bathing oldest.

He finished his phone call cos he was getting flustered and agitated with baby crying then asked me why I brought him down crying when I knew dp was on the phone.

I made a point about it not being as easy as it looks to sort personal stuff out when you've got kids in reference to the fact I have a load of admin stuff to sort which requires phone calls and I can't seem to get chance to make them in peace.

He retorted with 'you have all day to make phone calls'. A sheer insight to his complete lack of experience to dealing with 2 youngsters whilst trying to run a home. I find his ignorance utterly repellant

He's not that devout a Catholic if he's knobbing you outside of marriage. Nor would he be able to unilaterally decide never to get divorced: if you got married and wanted a divorce, there are some circumstances where you could be granted one without his consent. I'm Catholic and had sex before marriage, for the record. Not that his religious beliefs/lack of them are the point here. He'd be just as much in the wrong for his attitude if he were Muslim, Jewish, Buddhist or an atheist.

I'd certainly be looking at going back to work if I were you. Something at weekend, if possible, so he has the children on his own at least some of the time. I thoroughly recommend it. I find his ignorance repellent too, but you've facilitated a situation where he's been able to indulge himself with it. That's got to stop. As has doing his washing. Leave his bloody work pants and stop asking him to do you a favour. It's not a favour.

I think I will stop doing teas for him from now on and washing his stuff. It will lead to more aggrieved but it could also mean he doesn't take forgranted having his tea on the table when he gets in.

His laundry though.... The shit leaves it all in a pile on the bedroom floor and sometimes re-wears his underwear and socks. It drives me up the wall, it's a mountain of clothes heaped on one side of the bedroom. Utter slob.

I am going back to work in September 4 x days a week which will mean up at 6 am and not home til 6pm. Not looking forward to the piles of laundry I'll have to do outside of these hours, it's never ending

Re-wearing his underwear and socks isn't your problem or your business. Ignore it. I agree re teas.

So you're expected to do all the chores outside your working hours too?

Leave his washing on the floor, let him get on with it. If you find his ignorance utterly repelling, tell him.

Make him force him to pitch in.

Dh doesn't do anything really. But expects praise when he washes up

Yesterday while he was playing Xbox I hoovered the whole flat did 4 loads of washing, washed up twice, went to the shop and cleaned bathrooms. He didn't notice.

Ges cooking lunch today for the family. I didn't want people round today. We've had a lot if family things recently. He hasn't yet bought food for dinner. He said he'd sort it. So I've left him to it.

He swears at you and the kids and tells you how you should speak to him. I'd go with a trial seperation if I was you. Send him to his mum's for a month but no man would speak to me and my kids like that especially a baby

I think I'll be expected to do majority ie laundry, hoovering, cleaning bathroom that sort of thing.

He's cleaned the bathroom once that I've known of. I was 38 weeks pg and got him to do it with me as I couldn't manage.

Do you not realise how much he needs his downtime and how it's more important than my well being? Makes me laugh. I shouldn't have to explain to him that if we work together on tasks it's frees up both our time for other things. But I have. Multiple times. He'd rather go on his phone or iPad cos he needs to shut off and destress. It wouldn't feel so bad if put some of that focus into our relationship. But nope, he climbs into bed with his other mistress. His phone.