To think this isn't worth ending a friendship

[Allisgood1]

Background: I have a friend who I met through a mutual friend around 6 years ago. I've known mutual friend for 8 years. Both are not British (not sure if that matters but worth saying), and I am American.

We were all family friends for around 4 years until my friend moved back to her home country. We stayed friends with mutual friends (e.g. BBQ's, bday parties, etc). Mutual friend helped us with our house sale over the summer.
Our friend's dad very sadly passed away in Feb. He had a stroke Dec. 31 and passed Feb 21. I was in touch daily with my friend about his progress. When he died I felt that I needed and wanted to be there for her so I flew (18hr flight) to be by her side as she buried her dad.
When I booked flights I think I f'Ed up. I said:

Me: "Guess what?" I'm flying to (home country) Sunday for a week"
Her: Why?
Me: "L and trying to integrate my work into (their country)
Her: "does she know?"
Me: Yes. I'll be staying with her.
And she's helping organize the business side of stuff"
Her: "If she's ok with it then fine and actually not my place to say but I know I can tell you straight but she's burying her father... Work and entertainment will not be on her mind."
Me: It was her idea. I'm going for her because she's burying her father. The way around it was to make it a business trip. She knows the right people."

No response. So a few days later I text her to say I was upset at her reaction and I thighs she knew me better than to think I would use her fathers death as an excuse to go out to her country.

She responded:

"ANYONE who cares and knows about what they are going through (DH had helped them through Many a difficult situation) see this as You trying to take advantage and financially benefit from this situation.
So yes we contacted our friends out of concern! You would too in your situation.
However we now see this as you needed to tell your DH all this so you could go! So yes I'm a friend but I will protect my friends who are grieving and check with them that they are ok with this! Bottom lie, tell the truth in the beginning...."

I didn't lie to my DH, I've got no idea where she got this from.

Anyway, I went and was at my friends side as she buried her father, held her 5 year old as she sobbed at the funeral, and gave as much emotional support as possible during the 2 weeks I was there.

Mutual friend won't talk to me. We are emigrating in less than 2 weeks and I have text her twice trying to arrange to meet up and clear the air with no response.
I know IABU in my original text. It was insensitive and I should have not ever mentioned business. But is it worth ending a friendship?

I think the "distraction" comment speaks volumes. I'm not sure how much of a compliment to your sensitivity it is that you presented your friend with your list of networking requirements during the week she buried her dad.

I can see shy she is pissed off.

Essentially she believes you put your business interests in front of the mutual friend. That, that's is the reason you went. And that alone.

Your recovery wasn't great. She doesn't believe you went there to support your friend. And tbh I think I would struggle.

Because you made the trip sound like something exciting and clearly the business aspect was at the front of your mind.

If you are as close as you say I would expect her to believe you when you said you fucked up in explaining it. But either you aren't as close as you were, or she feels you have form for putting your interests in front of others and she couldn't keep quiet this time.

OP, if your primary reason for going to see your friend genuinely was to support her, than YANBU.

Your other friend is BU to hold a grudge. If your grieving friend was happy to have you there, then that's her prerogative.

If she doesn't know you after 8 years, then she's not much of a friend anyway. We all say thoughtless things sometimes.

Did you know her dad or did she specifically invite you out to support her for the funeral?
Because if the answer to both is no then I think you were wrong to go.
If I was burying my dad I would not want any friend staying at all. Anyone. I'd want close family only.
I also think her distraction comment was telling. Comfort, support... Good. Distraction, actually not.

Presumably your mutual friends have also been in contact. If she feels that strongly I'm sure the subject came up. Plenty of opportunity for her to say that it was totally fine and she was thrilled having you.

Maybe I missed it but I want to know how you even bought up your business wants with the friend whose Father was dying.

I get that Americans can sometimes be a little more direct, I'm related to quite a few but that isn't just being direct its all very insensitive.

To answer;
I was first friends with my friend whose dad died. I met second friend through her.

In September I discussed coming to visit my friend and we discussed how badly her country could use my services (I do something in SN that isn't available in her country). For whatever reason, this trip didn't happen. For the 53 days that her dad was in hospital I text or called everyday. When he died I was heartbroken for her and said I wished I could be there. She said I was more than welcome. She added in the part about what we had discussed in September.

Just for those who think I am self absorbed: after said text from mutual friend I told my friend NOT to worry about business anything. She rubbished that and introduced me to ONE person anyway. Things worked out from there and when I was asked to stay the extra week my friend had begged me to do it.

I completely understand how I came across. I think it's sad that my "friend" can't see that. In fact when she contacted our grieving friends they told her she was being ridiculous. Yet she still won't talk to me.

No, I don't want to hold on to her friendship for business reasons at all. I just valued her as a friend but clearly she didn't value me as much.

Also, I sent same message "guess what, I'm going to X in Sunday" to another mutual friend. She never asked "why". She just said she was so pleased I could be there for her. Other friend asked me "why?" Why ask "why"?

Your priority was the business trip. Your grieving friend's priority was burying her father. Your pissed off friend's priority was to make sure that grieving friend was not being taken advantage of.

Different perspectives, yes. But really only one conclusion. You came across as if her father's death was part of the business deal

Or, rather, an aside from this oh so important business trip.

I think all you can do is write her a letter explaining everything and leave the ball in her court. You can't make her be friends with you unfortunately.

Workedout. No it wasn't my priority at all. It was a way to get there with my business paying for it because I personally couldn't.

I know my presentation was wrong, I admitted that in the OP. I wouldn't end a friendship over a misunderstanding like this which is what I am asking about.

Thanks plant. I wanted to sit down in person but a letter may be the way to go.

I can't understand why you don't understand why your non-bereaved friend thinks you're a dick.

You presented your trip in the worst way possible. As people have said, you basically said to her "hey! i've got a business jolly coming up, and I'll be staying with bereaved friend."

She says "Bereaved friend is bereaved, is it a good idea to stay with her, she won't be up for much, burying her dad and all that".

You say "no, she's cool with it"

So your non-bereaved friend thinks you're taking advantage of the other's friend's grief. Which is oretty well what you said you were doing.

And now it's been and done, you have come away with business contacts picked up at the funeral. So it looks even more as if you went out for business and took advantage of your friend's grief.

It looks like that to me, too.

Perhaps your non-bereaved friend does know you well enough?

But, op, your pissed off friend has fallen out with you because your 'presentation was wrong'. That is the part that needs fixing.

Write to her & explain to her everything you have said here. But don't be defensive. She was looking out for her grieving friend, nothing negative about that.

Or, just chalk it up.

You don't come across well at all. Your friend has the right to call time on your friendship, leave her be.

I think the text comes across badly on here because you've had to shorten friend 1s name to L, so it throws the focus onto the business. And if I got a text from a friend saying 'guess what, I'm going to place where recently bereaved mutual friend lives' I would assume she was saying 'isn't it fantastic, I can go support friend'.

I get how strangers on the internet - especially on aibu - would attribute the worst motives but a friend wouldn't. A real friend couldn't read that text and then behave like she did. So either there is a massive back story or she's never really been a friend.

It's a pretty big thing, not just a misunderstanding. It speaks volumes about your character to her.

And it may not, in your eyes, be worth ending a friendship over. But this is not about you, in the sense that you have been wronged.

But more about the way your pissed off friend feels that you have taken advantage of the situation. If you want to make amends, you need to stop sounding so defensive & making it all about your feelings. Your friend has lost a loved on.

Oh write her a letter. Explain it all as clearly as you can. Tell her that you are shocked she could think so little of you.

This is one of the reasons I dislike texts, you can write/read them horribly. But a good friend would listen when you explain a misunderstanding. You, after all, have owned the poor way you phrased your communication with her. She,as a good friend, should have listened. Maybe continue to think you behaved badly but also agree that you had not meant precisely what she read.

All that matters is that you and your bereaved friend know how it occurred and that she is happy that you could be there for her.

Why on earth did you begin the text "Guess what?"

The tone was all wrong from the start.

I would imagine non-bereaved friend (who has known bereaved friend longer) feels like you are taking over and this was the final straw.

Your wording was crass. You know that now (I hope). TBH if I was going to support a friend, I wouldn't touch business whilst I was there. I also think two weeks together is too long even if your friend said yes to that. When a parent dies, it's a family time really I think. Friends should be there for you but not for two weeks and "distraction" is not a good word.

Is there any coming back from this? I would imagine not for the reasons I said in my first paragraph.

Roussette you make a lot of assumptions in your OP, the first being the mutual friend has known our bereaved friend longer. Incorrect.

I take on board all you've said.

I think your delivery was really insensitive however as your friend was actually all ok over this then I can't understand what the mutual friend is holding such a grudge for. Sounds like this was her out to end a friendship rather than it being the reason.
If your friend told her she was being ridiculous then what is her issue.